For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

Well done for getting through it. I know that numb feeling. I always think I'm gonna have some dramatic emotions or something but it's never quite like that. Shame about the lantern, but as you say, you gave him the messages you needed to. And don't worry about the JD - you get through these things however you can.

I'm not worried about the JD. It was his drink so was apt. I'm making up for friday when i cant drink at the charity night went through 4.5 bottls of red wine saturday with a mate, that wasn't a good idea i dont usually drink red lol.

And I don't think you should be worried! Alcohol was, rightly or wrongly, my biggest crutch through the early days. As I said before, there is no right or wrong, only what you feel like doing. And if JD and 4 and a half bottle of wine were what you needed at those moments, then you do it. I'd be the last one to judge !

The emotions hit you when you don't expect them don't they, not at the times you think they 'should'.

I'm going to take some time off from Mumsnet for a bit. I intend to lurk on this thread as it gives me strength when I need it, but I need to have some space to get my head round lots of things, and I'm finding Mumsnet too distracting (and upsetting at times).

So lots of love to all of you. I"ll be thinking of you often I expect. EM and Cyteen - sometimes I feel I know you and half expect to bump into you in the street! Crazy I know. I often wonder if I see any of you without knowing in RL. All take lots of care of yourselves and I will check back in at some point. xx

I dont rely on it as much now but its not the best idea really as im not eating too much. My dad has commented to my mum that i've lost weight but i've only went down a dress size and feel better for it lol.
Thats very true miss m. There is no way of knowing when its going to get you. I will think of you take care xx

I'm not gonna say what I really want to.

Take care MissM.

Thinking of you today dejavu, and for your sister's birthday in two days. Wishing you peace and some happy memories xx

Thank you evensmummy

Last weekend I managed to get all Jane's siblings together at her grave side. We have cleaned the stone and generally made everything look tidy. We each left a different coloured flower in the vase which now looks really nice.

We each told our favourite Jane story and we left with that curious mixture of happy and sad feelings that you get at such events. I do wish that our Dad could have been with us.

I went to church this morning, which is unusual for me, to say a little prayer for her. Too late for tears now.

Thinking of you too dejavuaswell x

dejavu, sounds like a special time. Glad that there could be a bit of happiness as well. Do you have a lot of siblings? Do you manage to talk about Jane much?

I'm having a rough old time. Finding it increasingly harder to get out of bed in the mornings. Can cry at the drop of a hat. Very short fuse. Not quite sure what to do about it.

Jane was the youngest of 5 (4 girls and a boy). She died in a road accident 15 months after she graduated. She was closest, chronologically, emotionally and tempermentally to my brother. He was quite stiff upper lip about it all at the time but now, 18 years later, he felt able to talk about his feelings.

My older sister, the secular one, has always kept a picture of Jane on her bedside table but virtually never talked about her until the last few weeks. My younger sister, the religious one, puts everything down to God?s Will and almost seems to think of Jane as the lucky one for being in Heaven before the rest of us.

As for me - Jane and I never really had that much in common despite growing up in the same house. There were enough years between us that we were never in competition so we didn't have many sister-to-sister talks.

But Jane would have made a super wife and mother and it makes me sad that she never was given that opportunity.

BTW we never knew exactly how she came to crash her car. There was no proof that there was any other vehicle involved but it was very hard to explain what happened unless she swerved to avoid something. [hmm}

dejavu, thanks for posting that. I don;t think I ever knew before the details about your sister, helps to know where you're coming from in your grief. I also just noticed your message on the bereavement thread. I don't think you need to say sorry. As someone else said, there is no right and wrong in grief, and it does funny things to you.

Do you find your other siblings help? It sounds like you've all done your grieving very separately, and in very different ways. I'm so glad you were able to get together last weekend at her graveside. Sounds to me like it was an important thing to do for you, and probably for them too.

I have a friend whose younger sister also died in a RTA, with no explanation as to how it happened. In some ways we don't know either about Jonny. That's really hard to come to terms with, I am having to learn to live without answers. I suppose it doesn't make any difference at the end of the day.

I also feel the exact same way about Jonny - he never got the chance to do so many things. He would have made a marvellous dad and husband, and I feel my ds has been cheated out of a great uncle. There's a lot of injustice in that.

Well, thinking of you again today, Jane's birthday. Hope I haven't got the date wrong!

he never got the chance to do so many things. He would have made a marvellous dad and husband,
that resonates very deeply with my my db was a fabulous uncle although ds wont really remember what he didn with/for him I know and will tell him so. He would have been a great daddy

hello -am so sorry for my long absence- shelleylou has prompted me to find you again - things have been really hectic with work and other stuff and when I do come on mumsnet I am on the tamoxifen thread usually- but haven't forgotten about you all. Will try to read back over the posts as soon as I can but just wanted to update.
since July I've been seeing a Cruse counsellor who is wonderful -very gentle and we met for the first few weeks each week for an hour,then it increased to an hour and a half - i was amazed at just how much there was to say. I've been seeing her every two weeks and now approaching my last session in December -so a month's break (there was time off in the summer too) 12 sessions in all.
I've also started a Mindfulness Meditation course which is 8 weeks and is really interesting- meditating and yoga- to bring the mind to the present moment- hard work but worth it !
I found the most excellent book (which you may already know of) which echoed so much with me -I can't recommend it enough..
Sibling Grief
I've also been able to make this little tribute to my brother - today is his anniversary

love to you all x

Thinking of you today maryann will light a candle for you and richard later x

thank you x

nice to hear from you maryann. All gone quiet here, so it's nice to 'see' a familiar face.

A beautiful tribute to your brother. Well done you. I'm glad the counselling has been more beneficial than you thought it would be. It's surprising what even locked away grief can do, I guess.

A very dear friend of mine is dying in hospital. I went to visit him today. It has put me in a funny place. Lots of old feelings resurfacing. I feel very sad to be losing another very special person.

hello evansmummy- so sorry to hear about your friend - it must bring up lots of feelings.

and thanks for nice words about my film- I am doing a picture too -the Cruse counselling has been excellent-they are wonderful people.

hi MAS - loved the film. Is that you in the first Holy Communion dress? Will have a look at the book link.

Evansmummy - so very, very, sorry to hear that your friend is dying.

yes-my lovely Firat Holy Communion dress -loved it !! the photos of db in the shirt and tie are on his (am now a very lapsed Catholic !)
Am a bit anxious about my parents reaction to the film- a friend has pointed out that I probably tried to protect them from my grief,and from their grief at the time (and ever since) I can remember letters from my grandma telling me to be brave and grown up or at least words to that effect and in another letter from my great uncle to my dad he reported that granny had received a 'very sensible' letter from me.

MaryAnnSingleton Your parents must know know how deeply you grieve for Richard. 'Very sensible' - ouch!

What a wonderful tribute to your db, MaryAnn. I has me in tears.

Thinking of you and Richard x

thank you both

It had me in tears too. But I didn't mention it as I was trying to be 'very sensible'!