For Jonny, and all our darling departed sisters and brothers..."their diminished size is in us, not in them".

[evansmummy]

I have remarked over the last few months that there are a number of us on this forum who are living through the death of our brothers and sisters. I would even go so far as to say I never even imagined there could be so many!

I have also noticed that the thread for bereaved mummies is the most amazing place of support, a great place to go and say how you feel without being judged, and knowing that others are going through something similar. And of course a place to go and get a good old MN hug.

So I wondered if those of you who have lost siblings would like to join me in making a place where we can say how we are feeling and to be here for each other, and even to gripe and moan! If you are interested, just let us know a bit about your sibling and a bit about your grief journey if you like. I'll start!

My youngest brother Jonny died a little over five months ago as a result of head injuries sustained during a hit and run accident. My family spent a week in intensive care with him in a coma before he died of heart failure on Fri 30th May 2008. Horrible, just horrible.

I feel down most of the time. But will admit to the strangest mood swings, from very depressed to almost hyper-excited. I still drink and smoke a lot, but less than right at the beginning. Suffice to say that things are not getting easier or better. Maybe even the opposite. I'm dreading Christmas, Jonny's birthday, and then the inquest and court case. I hate it all so much and wish often that it would just all go away. I still can't believe I'm writing this tuff about my own brother.

It's hard to quickly put into a short paragraph the pain and turmoil of the last five months. But I'm sure if this thread works out we'll have plenty of time to go into more detail.

Over to you...

Love Me xx

evansmummy - my brother died 37 years ago,which is a very long time ago (I am old !!) and in a way it makes me feel a bit of a fraud because it is such a very long time and others are suffering much more recent losses which seem so much more intense. I think I get on well with my younger brother -as you get older the gap shortens but we never really talk about R - neither do my parents - perhaps it is still too difficult..we do of course speak about him on his birthday/anniversary..my dad always gives my mum flowers on the anniversary but we don't talk as much as perhaps we should.

My DS1 lost his twin brother 26 years ago and his little brother 16 years ago. You are not a fraud sweetheart. The flowers from Dad to Mum sound wonderful. Older grief is more gentle but it can still jump up and bite your bum.xxx

Ditto what Shabs says MaryAnn, I do know what you mean though. We have had longer to learn how to cope and live with our loss.

I bet you can remember how you felt in the early stages though dont you ? You can remember the intensity of your emotions and the roller coaster you were on.

Shabs, as for you and your bottom biting

thank you both shabster and Vagina (hey,we live near each other don't we !) - you are right older grief is more gentle..I think at the time that he died I buried my feelings because I really didn't want to acknowledge that anything like this could have happened to my family - I couldn't bear to be thought of as different- to be regarded as 'different' and maybe scary by my friends (I keenly remember feeling this about a girl in my class who lost 2 brothers to muscular dystrophy when we were at primary school-it frightened me)
Also,I am quite strict with myself and tend to do the,'ok,you've been through that,now leave it alone' type of thing with myself.
Huge hugs and love to all of you here who have lost precious siblings - am sure they are watching over us - I always ask R to look after us,esp my ds

A few of you have written to me too after I posted about my brother. He was 34, died last month. Lots of you already know the story from my other threads. He was also a musician and also lived more life in 34 year than most of us will in 80. Right now I still feel numb, and afraid that I am not grieving 'properly'. But this morning I cried so much that the snot fell out of my nose (sorry for being so graphic, but I'm sure you can all relate).

Reading your stories helps, but I am also so horrified at the amount of grief that people have to bear. HOW do you carry on?

MaryAnnSingleton.... me or Shabs with regards to location ? You have chosen to deal with your feelings in that way an it works for you. What we all do, how much we do or dont cry, talk about or not talk about is a personal choice and we all find the right balance for us as individuals.

Don't beat yourself up over any of it, there are no books on what is the right or wrong thing. I think MN is the best thing for me, I can remain anonymous while still pouring my heart out.

I have a few good friends in RL that I can re-visit grief with, but here you can have one of those "Bite on the bum" moments and get a virtual hug, cup ot tea and cake in seconds. You can talk what you think is a load of twaddle, but somebody always seems to understand and validate your feelings.

MissM.......hello

HOW do you carry on ???? Million dollar question isn't it ?! I dont know how we carry on, but somehow we do. Some people simply cannot, I could have just as easily have been one of those people, but for whatever reason I am still here, being a pain in Shabsters arse !!!

jeee, I'm so sorry about your sister, what a fantastic achievement to have gotten a place in the Olympics, I know your sister could not take part, but she was credit to you all.

Mary, just looked at your profile. Your DS is absolutely without question a gorgeous, handsome, delicious boy.........

Vagina - I live nr you (on the Winchester thread) - thanks for kind words about dealing with grief and esp. for saying nice things about my boy
Jeee - just read your post about your sister ( skipped into the middle of this thread a bit in order to talk about my brother without seeing what others were writing) for your loss but how proud you must be of her xxx

V - you can be a pain in my arse any time you want.

Last night I babysat my first grandchild. He looks so like his daddy and his daddys twin brother. I spent all night running up and down the stairs and making sure my 5 month old baby grandson had not stopped breathing!!! WHY???? His daddys twin brother died at 7 months with congenital heart problems and his uncle Matt died at 7 yrs old because a lorry reversed over him.

It sounds so over dramatic and pathetic but it happened.

I cannot imagine what it feels like to loose your sibling. I really cannot.

oh shabster

I'd be the same...
I've posted a picture of brother R on my profile...he was nearly nine and we were riding in Spain...he had a ponyskin belt on and Spanish riding boots which we both were bought that holiday - we'd never ridden before but were on a massive horse ! He has a profile v much like ds,similar nose,delicate features.

Oh my word he is like your DS - I remember looking at your profile many months ago and think I remarked on how handsome your DS is.

Your DS is soooo much like your DB. Do you take comfort from this Mary ?

I know it's avoidable isn't it because of genetics, I'm not sure how I would feel if my DS was like my DB. I do see similaritys however and I find them amusing, they make me smile and bring a tear to my eye.

Both of them have such a strong jaw line too.

God - such weird timing to come across this thread today. I have just come back from the hospital where my father is in intensive care after having a brain aneurysm and not expected to live.

I have such mixed feelings about him dying as he has severe Alzheimer's and, tbh, the person who is my dad, died a long time ago and just a shell remains.

But he has been through so much - an Auschwitz survivor who lost his parents and younger sister, and who years later, had to go through the pain of losing a child - my younger sister - to a heroin overdose. One thing to be thankful for recently, is that he had forgotten all the pain he has ever been through ...

There was only 18 months between Nicky and myself and she was my best friend as well as my sister and even though she died nearly 10 years ago, I still miss her so much.

My greatest regret is that she never met my twins - and they will never know her.

IMO, you never really get over the death of a loved one, you just live through it and thankfully, the pain lessens as time goes on

Hello again evansmummy and cyteen and hi to all the others.

VaginaShmer.... - so sorry about John, you obviously loved him very much; pushki - hope you can come and share later on. Jeee - my condolences on your sister's death; she sounded amazing. And MaryAnnSingleton - sorry about your brother, I'll think of him on the 15th (my DD's birthday).

Miss M, sorry about your brother, I know what you mean about that feeling of not 'grieving properly' - that's how my DH felt about his sister, but I think there's no 'proper way' - grief seems to be as individual as we all are in our own ways. kdk - I'm sorry about Nicky and your father's illness.

Shabster - I think we've talked before (am a fellow City fan!), but I've not said how much I admire you and the other mums, like frasersmummy. You are inspirational (and your boys are all beautiful). I came across your thread and it's changed how I am with people. The woman on the supermarket checkout recently mentioned she'd only had one day off sick in years - for her granddaughter's funeral. Instead of mumbling something anodyne, I asked what her granddaughter's name was and we had a conversation about her. She said 'I am surprised dear, people are normally too embarrassed to ask about her!'. So thanks.

Sorry for essay - hope you are all doing ok tonight.

xx

Have had a bad weekend. Took the kids out today to a National Trust place, beautiful, lovely weather, all very ideal family Sunday. Then by coincidence one of the volunteers turned out to be the mum of someone my brothers were at school with. They weren't friends, but it was a village, so most people haven't moved on. When I told her my name she said, 'And how are DB1 and DB2?' I had to say 'Well, sadly DB2 died last month'. She was clearly very embarrassed and rattled off something about my other brother and what was he up to. It was bloody awful. DH had to drive home as I was too shaky and had the biggest headache imaginable. I still feel shaky and tearful now.

I kept dreaming about him as a child last night. It's so weird - I've had no dreams of him as an adult, but I dream of him as a child. Why?

kdk - so sorry about your dad and for the loss of your sister..sometimes it seems so truly unfair how some families seem to have to suffer so much loss,shabster and her family for example..I remember a family we knew losing one child and then another and finding it unbelievable that after suffering one such terrible loss that fate or God or whoever couldn't possibly allow it to happen again

The OldestCat - thank you for thinking of my brother on 15th,that is sweet.
MissM - A hug to you xxx - I took a few years of knowing my now best friend before I could admit to having a brother who had died - it wasn't that I was denying his existence or anything,it's just that I find it so hard to deal with other people's reactions/embarrassment/pity - I hate peopple to feel uncomfortable and not know what to say.
The OldestCat did the best thing in talking to the lady in the supermarket though - I'd like to think that I could do that..

VaginaS - yes, it is a comfort in a way that there are likenesses...it's as if a bit of R is there in my boy- I wondr if my parents see that ? It used to scare me too that something would happen to ds at same age as my db, but I feel better now he is older than db.

Oldestcat - thank you so much for your kind words, Im sat here with a lump in my throat. Im so proud that you asked the lady about her grand daughter - that would have meant so much to her.

Thank you again.....and yes I remember you, us City fans have to stick together

Hey all. Sorry for long absence. The weekend is the worst time fo me to get on the PC, dh hogs it .

Reading everyone's words has brought a tear to my eye again. I hate that anyone has to go through this amount of pain. But having somewhere to come and share it gives me a bit of strength.

For those of you have come a long way on this journey, do you still cry for your lost siblings? I can't bear the thought of not crying for my brother as it seems so unfair. Yesterday was the first day since Jonny died that I didn't cry at all. I feel so guilty today.

kdk and MissM, hi! Thank you for coming over and sharing your stories with us. Such sadness.

TheOldestCat, what a perfect reaction to the supermarket situation. I hate that most people in RL ignore what's happened, like it's not really there if they don't mention it. There's such a taboo about death and grieving in the country that makes me feel embarrassed about crying, or feeling down. Pr at least makes me think I need to hide it away, when I really don't want to! MissM, I feel for you having to go through that with the lady you met. I haven't really had anyone to tell, my parents know everyone in our village so everyone knew almost immediately, like within a day. Thinking about that first day is making me cry. It's so painful to remember.

I'm now making up for not crying yesterday...

hi evansmummy...no,I don't cry about R but I do cry at other things, Remembrance day, hearing Two Little Boys on the radio this morning for example.. and I sobbed uncontrollably at FILs funeral in August - it's displacement crying possibly

Sitting at work crying and wishing I could go home. I feel so lonely.

evansmummy...have a hug xxx

Thanks, Mary, just what I needed.

How much I dislike my job now! I have literally done about 10 minutes work since getting here at 815. Just want to go. NOW!

Have a hug from me too - really feel for you evansmummy

I still haven't got round to posting my story about my brother - but you may know me from some of the other threads - I will get some time soon hopefully.....

I felt terrible back at work after my brother's death - eventually saw a counseller in occupational health, and came to the conclusion that I needed to have a bit of a break. Luckily we could afford it - DH very supportive - and I cut down to one day a week. Remember when I made that decision (about 8 months after) |I felt so relieved that it was the right thing to do - my job is in health care and I was losing my empathy for people!! One example I remember was the week after the funeral, one lady complaining that her appointment had had to be rearranged, she wouldn't let it go so I ended up blurting out to her - "well I'm sorry I wasn't in but I was burying my brother!!"

Is there anyone at work you can talk to, be flexible with your hours, take any time off? It's really difficult isn't it?

Big Hug

pushki, thanks for the support. I am already having one day off a week (I only work pt), and they were reluctant about that. I asked for it in September and wanted to stay off til after Christmas and they said no, only for 2 months. I have two weeks left of my reduced hours then supposed to be going back. Not happy about that.

But I made the decision last week to leave. I am really unhappy here since Jonny died, just can't get a feel for things anymore. So have decided to go and finish mu degree zith the OU. Started years ago at Liverpool, then fell in love and married, and left my studies on hold. Feel it's a good time to start someting new, and do something fulfilling for myself.

Just can't decide if I should stay at work til course starts in feb, or stop now. I know what I feel like doing, but probably not financially wise. I really do hate it here.