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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

Highly Emotive subject but I would appreciate the views of others

235 replies

Tiamummy · 16/10/2008 15:33

We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to ask

OP posts:
feedmenow · 19/10/2008 18:32

Hi Tiasmum. How are you this evening? I see you've been struggling with the decisions you had to make, but am so glad you and dh have decided to have Toa at home with you for a few hours. I never even knew this was something we could have done with Eris

I also see that you are thinking about what Tia should wear. I haven't read all the messages so may have missed something but just thought I'd tell you about what we did for eris. Basically, we went to a little boutique and bought Eris an outfit similar in a way to buying for a Christening. My feelings were that we'd never get to buy her pretty things agin so we bought a real girlie long, pink dress with little angel-wing like capped sleeves, and a pretty bonnet and a beautiful soft pink shawl. Even a pretty pair of girlie socks. I took photos of everything we bought for her to wear to go in her memory box. Thinking back on it now, I actually think it was quite important for us to make those choices together, to do something for our daughter together.

She also went with lots of mementoes from all of us - a photo of me, dp, dd1, ds and Eris together, plus a photo each of Eris with me and dp. She had a picture dd1 did, a letter from me, a teddy from each set of grandparents and a musical horse from us. Oh, and a blanket ds had made for her when I was pregnant.

Lots of love to you and dh. I know you've got a tough few days ahead, and we'll all be thinking about you. x

Original poster
Tiamummy · 19/10/2008 22:24

I'm so sorry feedmenow

We're doing ok for now i hope. Tomorrow i'm needing to sort out the final arrangements for Wednesday, which neither of use want to do

OP posts:
shabster · 19/10/2008 22:29

I remember how I didn't want to do those arrangements either my love.

FMNow is a lovley lady - she was the one who started our thread off - I liked her description of the clothes that she dressed Eris in.....all girly and pink. I have had four boys so no pink in our house!!

Dont forget that you can have anything you want at a funeral - any music, any poems, anything. I think you have to run it by the vicar first but it is yours and your husbands personal choice.

Keep posting my love.....we are all thinking about you.........xxx

Original poster
Tiamummy · 19/10/2008 22:31

shabster, i'm almost glad you know what i'm meaning because it's actually far too painful to actually write it all down We shouldn't be doing this

OP posts:
shabster · 19/10/2008 22:37

You are right my love - you shouldn't be doing this - you should be at home with your new baby and holding her. I dont know why all this crap happens....I doubt I ever will. The only positive thing I can say is that making these arrangements and doing everything the way you want to do it is another show of the great love you have for your daughter. Write down anything you want to ask because I kept forgetting important things all the time. I wish I knew 'why' and 'how come' and 'what the hell is all this about' but I dont.

If there is anything, anything at all that I can do please dont hesitate to ask. [email protected]

Original poster
Tiamummy · 19/10/2008 22:40

We've been told it can take up to a year before we will be able to erect a headstone. Is this right and do you know why. Sorry, it's just this has been bothering me

OP posts:
Original poster
Tiamummy · 19/10/2008 22:45

And readings, did you have any readings because neither of us have a clue about those but we've chosen a few poems to be read. Gosh i'm in tears now, it's all getting too close and i'm scared of it all happening

OP posts:
shabster · 19/10/2008 22:47

I think it is something to do with the ground settling if that makes any sense at all. We had to wait 6 months. I will check with my mum tomorrow and let you know properly. Sending you massive hugs my darling xxxxxxxxx

shabster · 19/10/2008 22:48

Poems are just as good as biblical readings...in fact I think they are better. We had 'Lord of the dance' for Matts funeral because he used to sing 'I am the lord of Gods settee!!'

You can do whatever you want to do - it is your little girl. xxxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
Tiamummy · 19/10/2008 22:50

I just want everything to be right for her. Thanks

OP posts:
shabster · 19/10/2008 22:54

You will do it right my love.....xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/10/2008 23:24

Hi Tia's Mummy. We were told 6 months. Our DS died in June and we have recently ordered his headstone which will hopefully be up at Chrsitmas. You are so much in my thoughts. xxx

shabster · 19/10/2008 23:28

Hiya lighthouse....think that Tiasmummy has touched all our hearts dont you? I keep shuddering thinking of the early days

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/10/2008 23:39

Hi Shabs. I know it's just awful knowing someone else is having to go through this. I dreaded having to say goodbye to him at the funeral directors knowing it would be the last time I'd see him. I think that was the hardest. Having absolutley dreaded the funeral it wasn't as bad as I expected. It probably sounds daft but as we walked into the church I suddenly got this feeling of inner strength as though he was there holding my hand which helped me get through it. Also we were allowed to carry the coffin ourselves and we lowered him into the ground ourselves and in some strange way these little acts really helped.

shabster · 19/10/2008 23:45

You really expressed my own feelings in your post Lighthouse. My Matts funeral was (and this will sound crazy) such a wonderful day. Gareths funeral was quiet but simply beautiful. When we lost Matt he was in the infant school and we were running several football teams etc etc so we had a lot of contacts. There were hundreds of people in the church and it was so uplifting.

Everybody sang so loudly and the school he went to closed for the day and all the children attended. It was just beautiful. OMG here come the tears again.

Thelighthousekeeper · 19/10/2008 23:50

I'm crying buckets here to Shabs. Am sending you a virtual hug!

shabster · 19/10/2008 23:57

Thanks my love and right back at you!!! xxxxxxxxxxxx

Can hear Matt singing now, he had a really weird speech thing where he couldn't say certain letters. He would sing 'Dance den whereva you may be, Iam the Lord of gods Settee and I'll weed you on wewevew you may be and I'll weed you on to Gods settee'

charleymouse · 19/10/2008 23:57

Hi Tiamummy i think we were told a few months due to the earth settling. I have yet to sort out the headstone though as it seems so final.
I know it is not for everyone but I took no photos of B after he died until I had popped him into his casket when I felt I should have a record of this. I took a couple of photos on my mums phone and it is only recently I have been able to look at them.

Just for information really Bs plot is one we can all go into in the future so it needed to be dug for the size of an adult with a little extra space dug out at the bottom. I remember being surprised by this at the time I saw it even though it makes perfect sense. Also there was a ladder and a chap had to climb in and be handed the casket for positioning as obviously is was quite small and it was a big hole. I remember giggling at the time as it seemed so odd/surreal.

Re the funeral we had a small service by the vicar and no singing as we felt we wouldn't be able to and there were so few of us. We did however choose music/songs to be played as we walked in and out of church.

I am thinking of you and you and your family are in my prayers. Much love CM x

charleymouse · 19/10/2008 23:59

Keeping it together at the mo girls but it is so hard isn't it? Much love to you all CM x

shabster · 20/10/2008 00:01

Awwww charley - my mum and dad have a grave plot next door to my grandads grave and they gave it to us. You are right, they have to dig a plot to fit an adult. In ours there is a tiny white coffin and a bigger light pine one. Not sure what this life is all about...not sure at all. Even after all these years I have times when I struggle and am sick of 'coping' with it all xxx

Original poster
Tiamummy · 20/10/2008 00:03

I'm so sorry i've stirred up all of this in you all

OP posts:
charleymouse · 20/10/2008 00:12

Don't worry Tiamummy tis not you fault and you didn't want join our club did you. As much as you ladies are lovely I would rather have not met you all this way.

shabster · 20/10/2008 00:17

Dont worry Tiasmummy - what has happened to each one of us never leaves our minds - its good to think about our lovley children. We are all in the same boat - its a crap boat and I wish we weren't in it - BUT WE ARE - and if we all stick together we can help each other

shabster · 20/10/2008 00:27

Beautiful song

This is an old, old song. It reminds me always of my boys and I agree with every word....'I'll see you in my dreams, hold you in my dreams'

MARGOsBeenPlayingWithMyNooNoo · 20/10/2008 00:50

Tiasmummy - I'm glad you found the bereaved mums thread.

You say you don't know what to dress her in. Have you got any pictures of her in a particular outfit taken before she passed away? Maybe that would be a suitable outfit. Or you could get someone to pick a new outfit from the shops, like a pretty dress. Little girls love dresses. I'm sure she will look beautiful whatever you choose to do.

I'll be thinking of you on Wednesday.

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