Highly Emotive subject but I would appreciate the views of others

[Tiamummy]

We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to ask

We all take comfort in different ways Tiamummy. I am so sorry you and your DH are suffering.

Hi Tiamummy, I remember you from the bereaved muummy thread.

I will tell you my experience, and this may help you come to a decision.

My darling boy was at home until the funeral. Being able to talk/kiss/touch him as and when I wanted to helped saying goodbye on the day of his funeral a little bit easier.

DH and I placed Cole in his coffin and put all the things we wanted to go with him in there, including a note telling him how much we loved him. Dh also carried the coffin to the graveside and later filled in the earth. These were the last things we could do for our little man, and they helped us. So I guess what I'm trying to say is, no matter what others opinions are, you have to do whatever you need to do to get you through this.

Family and friends came to see Cole while he was laid to rest at home, but we did not have any sort of get together afterwards. The thought of making small talk with a room full of people horrified me. But you have to do what you want to do, I can't stress that enough.

I'm so sorry you and your dh are pulling in different directions at the moment. My advice is talk, talk, talk. No matter how hard it is, you need to let eachother know exactly how you are feeling and what you are thinking.

Be kind to each other and do whatever you need to do to get through this difficult time.

I am thinking of you all xxx

It was a week & half between when Toby was born & was buried (they did the PM etc), we went to see him often during that time. We also brought him home the night before the funeral & took him to the cemetery the next morning. It felt like the most natural thing to do and the night he was at home with us I felt incredibly peaceful - it felt totally right. I have an 8yo daughter as well & think it was very helpful in her grieving process.

I'm so terribly sorry for your loss.

Thank you for sharing your stories with me. It's Tias funeral next Wednesday, which is why i want this decided asap. I need to soak up as much of her as i can between now and then

Hi Tiamummy, I have read your other post and I am so so sorry for your loss.

I have been to only 2 funerals in my life - Both Grandparents and both had wakes at their house with food afterwards. It was a chance for everyone to be together and remember who we had lost. On both occasions we remembered the funny things they did and even laughed. It helped us all so much and helped us to remember them x

If your husband isnt so sure maybe you could just invite very close family. You have to do what is right for you with regards to bringing your little girl home.

I will be thinking of you all on Wednesday x

Hi Tias mummy how are you doing ?

No words can convey how i'm doing, how we're both doing infact

So sorry TM.

Thinking of you {{{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

No wonder I havent been able to get you out of my mind Tiasmummy - this is a big decision and as you said earlier on this thread you need to try and get it sorted asap.

I didn't have either of my boys at home - wasn't allowed with Matt because his injuries were so severe. One post on this thread said 'what about having Tia home for a few hours before the funeral' In my opinion that sounded like a wonderful compromise.

Oh my darling I wish I was with you right now to hold you tight and try to reassure you that everything will get better....its a long road that I regularly fall off BUT this will all soften as the years go by. Tia is a lucky, lucky girl to have a mummy and daddy who love her so much.

Please take care xx

Shabster what did you do about what they wore? Sorry for asking

This is going to sound really really awful but I cant remember what we got for Gareth. The only thing I can remember is that the Funeral director asked could we find him a tiny hat because of the postmortem. Once I heard that my mind switched off because I simply could not contemplate the post mortem. My mum and dad, I think, bought him a little white velvety babygro.

Matt had his favourite Harlequins rugby top on and he had wanted some bright orange adidas trainers for so long. I hadnt been able to afford them and they were two sizes too big for him anyway. BUT he got his wish for his orange 'grown up lads' trainers.

You know that you can dress your little one however you want to - she is your little girl and always will be.

Please dont be afraid to ask me questions or apologise for asking them. You have been on my mind for many days and I will help in any way I can xxx

tiamummy so sorry you even find yourself in this dreadful position

i attended a "do" for friends who's lo died and we had food,looked at pictures, shared memories of lo.had a cry and all acknowledged how difficult it was

actually quite cathartic and the acknowledegement of loss was helpful

so often people encourage not talking about bereavement

mark this sad event as you wish
call it what you want

so sorry for your heartache

Agree with Dittany.

But, would it be more difficult bringing her home knowing that she has to leave again?

Or would it bring you comfort as far having her near by?

ilovemydog i personally need to have her back here where she belongs, so i can be with her here and be able to soak her up before we let her go again. I need to have her close again

You really need to do what's right for you.

Of course you want her to be close. You're her mom.

Morning Tia, how are you today?
Thinking of you xxx

Tiasmummy

I have been thinking about you a lot recently. I have been there and know the pain

I was worried when you disappeared from the bereaved mummies thread.. glad you are still posting

I really couldnt have had Fraser in the house... dont ask me to explain.. I just couldnt do it !!!

We had a service in the house, Fraser was in the drive in the funeral car.

We had pickedan outfit for Fraser to come home in before we lost him. We decided to dress him in this before we left the hospital and then we just told the fd.. Fraser is dressed as we want

Just found some thoughts in the latest Compassionate Friends newsletter. Written by Don Hackett who is from South Australia.

'I confess, with both sorrow and gladness that I can no longer summon the full measure of those savage feelings and the unremitting pain that engulfed me in those early years. Working through them was the most demanding challenges of my life, enacting tolls in physical health perhaps even greater than the long term effects on mind and emotion.

Today, however, I can reflect with gratitude upon a decade of mastery over the sadness. Control of my thoughts has returned to me and I know freedom from the utter devestation of those early years.

I have learnt to communicate with my spouse, and friends when my love for them was shrouded behind the totality of my grief.

Is this not our goal, to heal, to find the strength to love both yesterday and today? Our children have been the richest part of our lives and today should reflect the grace of that love in all that we are today.'

Thinking of you today, as always xx

I'm trying to do ok, failing miserably though. We actually came to a mutual decision lastnight after a lot of tears. We're going to have her here for a couple of hours before the service. My dad, at the moment, is going to carry her through the church because neither of us feel able to do that. I still don;t know what she'll wear though

When my dad died (in Ireland) we had a 'wake' in the local pub. They laid on soup and sarnies and we all had a good chat about my dad. They also have a lovely tradition where the men from his side of the village dug his grave and then while we were in the pub they filled it in. It was lovely.

Morning Tiasmummy. Im so glad to here that you have and your husband have come to an agreement.

Have you had a look through her outfits yet?

Tiasmummy ..

I remember we said that neither of us had the strenght to carry Fraser to his "garden" but on the day DH did carry him.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that when the time comes you may find your emotions will drive how the day ultimately goes

So glad you and your DH have talked. Think that your decision to have your little girl home for a couple of hours is a perfect idea. I will be thinking about you all on the day. I know my Matt and Gareth will greet your little girl - I can imagine them showing her round everywhere and asking her about her mummy and daddy. I realise that a lot of people would think that last sentance was 'barking mad' but I know there has to be something after this life.

xxxxxxxxxxx

I can only speak from my heart and from my own experiences of losing someone very close to me (my Dad) but if it were either one of my children that I had lost I would definitely want to spend some time with them before the funeral.

I went to visit my Dad in the Chapel of Rest just a few days before the funeral. It was hard because he had changed so much. He looked so different and I personally found it very hard to believe it was my Dad. But going to spend some time with him gave me the chance to talk to him, tell him how much I love him and how grateful I was that he was my Dad.

Having a wake after the funeral gave us all the chance to talk about him with all his friends and relatives. There were no tears and we all remembered him and smiled which is exactly what he would've wanted.

Losing a child must be so incredibly hard for you and you have to follow your heart. If you want to have your lovely little girl at home before the funeral then do it. If you want to have a wake afterwards then do it. Don't listen to anyone else and their opinions...you follow yours, she was your special little girl after all.