Highly Emotive subject but I would appreciate the views of others

[Tiamummy]

We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to ask

I agree with Dittany.

I am so very, very sorry - it is such a terrible situation for you.

Sorry, having never lost a child I can only try to understand where you are coming from.

When there is an open casket at someone's home I personally find it very difficult as I don't want to see the dead person as I feel it will distort my memories of them.

This said, I understand what you mean about it not seeming real if she isn't will you. I think though if your DP is really against it you need to talk to him about his motives- is he trying to protect you in some way or does he not want her there? If not then why not? Surely it can't be any worse that what you are going through just now?

If he is worried about other people then he needs to be thinking about you and what will ulitmately give you the most comfort. This said (and again, I can only use my dad's death as my frame of reference and I know it's not the same) sometimes having your loved one home can present its own problems.

Good luck in your decision. God bless.

I appreciate everyones honesty with me.

Tiamummy I completely understand. Of course you want her there and I can also understand how you'd feel wrong about NOT having here there. You'd feel you were shutting her out because of your own discomfort when really the day is about her and she should be there in any way possible.

It's a very tough situation at a very tough time. Can she be in a quiet room so you can go and visit her and chat but your husband doesn't have to?

I think this is very hard, but I wish you all the best. I'll say a prayer for you all tonight.

First of you , please let me send you every best wish and consolation for your terrible loss.

We had a wake for dh, but he was not 'there' in body, but we all felt that her was very much 'there' in spirit.

and being able to talk about him, with all the people who loved him gave us all great comfort.

It was a real celibration of his life

I am so sorry to hear of your loss. There is no right or wrong when someone close to you dies. You have to do whatever comforts you. Your difficulty is that you and your husband have different ideas. Could you compromise on having her home for a short time on the day of the funeral so you get to spend some time with her and she leaves from home? I didn't have DH at home before the funeral but his ashes are buried in a tub in the garden with a plant and it comforts me to feel that he is at home, close to his family. Perhaps not for everyone but it is right for us. You must do what is right for you.

Spidermama that's exactly how it feels
His view is that bringing Tia back here will make letting her go again all the harder, but that's a risk i'm prepared to take just to not feel the guilt.

Tiamummy, I've been reading your postings and would like to add my condolences as well. I can't imagine what you are going through but I know that if it was me and I wanted to have my child in the house with me I would go ahead and do it even if my dp really didn't want to as I wouldn't want to live with the regret of not doing it.

Is there any way that you could bring Tia home with the option to take her back to the funeral home if you found that you weren't able to cope or if was too upsetting.

I do feel for you and hope you can find a solution.

I would say if his only problem about it is that it will make the next day harder and lettng go harder , then if I was you I would try to persuade him otherwise . I hate to say it but nothing will make THAT day harder than it is going to be and if you are really keen on having her there then you should try again . If for no other reason than not regretting it later .
What do the rest of your family think ? Is anyone thinking the same as you ? It could help to get someone else to talk to your dh .

I live in NI and a lot of people bring the body back the day before, there's still a lot of funerals held in the house here, so it's not unusual. We don't refer to it as a wake, though.

I can see yur point of view but also your DH's, so I can't really advise.

My condolences.

All i'm asking is to have her back here where she should be for one last time. I'm already consumed by grief, and have total dread of the day looming over us. Nothing is going to be easy, whatever we do

I am so sorry for your loss
I have been thinking of you over the last few days

You should do what you feel is right for you

Do what feels right for you, but perhaps your DH feels that he cannot let her go. I have to say when my DH died earlier this year I went to see him 3 times in all, and felt that I must not go again as it was too hard to leave him, and that got worse with each time. He came home in the hearse on the way to the funeral and we placed the flowers ourselves, but seeing "him" go away again from the house was one of the worst moments of my life. This is such an individual thing and I would not presume to understand your feelings on the loss of a child, but talk to your DH and try and reach some compromise, whatever you do needs to be right for both of you as far as possible. Wishing you both strength x

SO sorry for your awful loss. While both you and your DH have valid viewpoints, I think on balance that it is probably better to have her home for at least a little while (as someone else said, maybe for an hour in the morning) than not do it and regret it.

Neither of us can agree on much at present, it actually feels we're fighting eachother and i don't know how to get out of it

Tiamummy I am very sorry for your loss. You are coming across as a really amazing person. Does that sound weird? I've only read a few of your posts and you've really touched me.

Sorry Tiamummy - that's not what you started the thread for.Is there a family member who is able to help by talking to your dh?

different situation but perhaps relevent?when my brother died if was really important for my dad to bring him home the day before the funeral and have him spend thatlast night at home - my mum was less keen. what we did was bring him home, keep the coffin sealed and have it in the back room so that those of us who wanted could spend time in there, and those who didn't want to could avoid it. the funeral directors came the next morning and took the coffin out - my mum made herself scarce, and then we met the coffin again at the church.
it is very difficult but so important, that everyone does the things they need to do to make an awful situation a bit more 'right' for them.
thinking of you xxx

I think i might have a word with his brother, he might be able to get him to think more about it. Him and his brother are solid and he's not an emotive guy. I can't ask either of our parents to talk to him

I don't like having to ask other people to talk to him, when i should be able to do it myself. It feels wrong but i need this.

How about asking whoever is conducting the Service (Priest, Vicar etc).

So sorry you and your dh are finding it hard to communicate. Grief really is such a lonely business isn't it? Even when you're grieving the same person. It's just another cruel added extra on top of your pain which you really could do without.
How about talking to him with his brother there too? Would it help to take the intensity out of the one on one?

Whatever happens we're here for you Tiasmummy. Sending you lots of love. You're in my thoughts. U

Thanks Spidermama. I haven't been able to get hold of his brother as yet, but I've had my parents here this morning which has helped.

Tiamummy, so sorry, I don't think there is a right/wrong way to do things, you just have to do what you think will help you. I do however realise that when you and your DH are involved that may not necessarily be the same thing. I think you need to explain to your DH what you want to happen and tell him why, I think he needs to do the same for you.

FWIW I did not have my little boy at my house ever, he died in hospital and the funeral was in an area where we did not live. What I did do though was take him a bag of clothes and wash things, toys, photos and gifts. Whilst at the FD he was in a moses basket when I visited. I bathed him, changed his nappy, dressed him, gave him a final cuddle and kiss and placed him into his casket myself. I then placed all the other items which were to go with him in the "right" places. I was not sure the FD would get things how I wanted them.

I visited him a number of times at the FD whilst my DH didn't see him after the day he had died. People need different things to grieve and you have to judge what is right for you, right for your DH and right for the family. I think the idea of having her come home for a few hours might be a good compromise however if your DH is only saying this for your beneift then make sure you let hime know exactly what would benefit you. If however he does not want her at home as he feels she is already gone then you may have to allow him that and meet him halfway. It really is so difficult and there is no correct way to do things.

DH did carry the coffin to the church and grave though and is quite proud to have done that for his son. Albeit it is something that he was not sure he would be able to do, the FD asked him if he would like to but if he broke down they would step in and carry him. I was on standby to step in regardless of how heavy he was and how recently after an emergency section as if DH couldn't do it by god I was going to do it. In the end he did manage it though. It isn't for everybody though.

We only had immediate family there, me, DH my Nana, Mum & Sister, FIL, SIL, BIL and his sister his brother was still in special care so I will deal with the guilt of him not atending in the future I think. After we went to FILs house for a cuppa and a snack. We didn't have a traditional wake/celebration of his life as it was so short there wasn't much to celebrate and only DH and I had met him.

Just try to do what you feel is right and hopefully you will get there together. Much love CM

Charliemouse i'm seeing her each day if i can, my husband has been a couple of times with me. For me, right now it's a comfort, where for him it's pure pain. When i go i just sit with her and stroke her face, and talk to her. Tears are coming agin now, so that's enough for now.