Highly Emotive subject but I would appreciate the views of others

[Tiamummy]

We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to ask

[travellingwilbury]

Hi Tias mummy

How you doing today ? You have been in my thoughts all week . You are right about the rawness of those early days . Do you have anyone else other than your oh to talk to ?
It is such early days for you both , I really feel for you .

[sunnygirl1412]

Tia's candle is burning in my front window now.

Hugs - and if I can do anything to help, please ask.

sunnygirl.

[onlyjoking9329]

hello tiasmummy, I haven't been able to read the whole thread as I am doing this from my phone.
I am so sorry that your daughter died, I don't know what it is like to live with the death of a child so I can only try to imagine how hard it is for you, everyone faces grief in different ways and althou at the moment you feel you and your dh are doing it differently at some point you may be able to do it together but it might be a while ahead yet, you need to have somewhere to talk andMN is very good for that.
My Dh died in June Mn helped me throu and still helps me throu, me & the kids are in menorca at the moment it is one of the places that was special to us as a family and we have found a certain level of peace here. You too will find peace thou it will take a while.
Much love.
Oj

[Tiamummy]

cikecaka, the thing is he isn't actually being strong for me, it's quite the opposite. He's blocking his emotions because he cannot deal with them, and i believe doesn't actually know how to deal with them. His dad was of the old camp of crying's for girls, so for him being in touch with his emotions is like asking me to swim the channel. Not a very good example but hopefully you'll know what i mean. It's me that is having to be strong for him and i can't, it's totally impossible and i cannot put my grief on standby. It's too fierce and raw, and if i can't work through it then it will eat me up and our relationship, which i already strained, will disintegrate.

There's no easy way round any of this but just being able to type stuff out that's in my head helps.

[TinkerBellesMum]

That sounds like my OH too. He thinks it was his fault (I went into labour at 20 weeks and our daughter was born alive, they found out from it I'm autoimmune) that he should have done something more or didn't look after me properly.

That's men, it's their "duty" to protect their family and when something goes wrong they've "failed". They're torn between grieving, their own feelings and their grief. They will separate themselves because they feel they've let us down once and are scared of doing it again and they feel we should blame them as much as they blame themselves. Plus I think they don't "deserve" to grieve because it was their fault.

(Please note the speech marks are because I'm putting it from their side and don't believe any of it)

I think it's really important for us to support them because that will in turn bring the support we need from them. I keep telling my OH that I don't need him to be there for me, I need him to be here with me. Pull him into you and you'll get to the point where you can cry in each others arms, that's where you need to be together.

I do use the SANDS forum, there's a few on here who do. If you can find your local branch you may find that helps your OH too as he will be able to talk to other men who've been there without realising it helps.

[cikecaka]

Knowing most men, he is probably trying to be strong for you and that is probably why he wants to get some sort of normality. I think he will probably break down again soon, maybe when you are a little stronger!

[Tiamummy]

It's hard because just reaching out to him gets him stroppy. He broke down majorly at Tias funeral, but before and especially now he's so full of anger and guilt. I desperately want us to grieve together, but we're poles apart emotionally and i can't get through long enough for it to break, so not only am i hurting with my grief i'm hurting for his aswell and carrying him. I've never known him to be this way and his is so affected by Tia but is keeping his guard well and truly up.

This is the only place i've been on at the moment. Do you use SANDS?

[TinkerBellesMum]

It's hard for us when we watch our men go through it. My partner doesn't show his feelings very much, he was brought up that it's a sign of weakness, I could see how hard it was for him, he fought constantly between his grief and the idea he couldn't show it. I was dealing with what was happening because I was showing it and it hurt me to see him struggling so much. I split my time between being there for him and trying to grieve myself. They say that women are the stronger sex because we deal with our feelings and I certainly found that.

You need to be there for you and your husband, your daughter won't ever leave you and you won't ever forget her or stop loving her like a mother will. Allow yourself to grieve and look after your husband, your daughter will still be there when you start to come through it.

When I was pregnant with Tink I was very angry, I remember one day just saying to myself "I don't want this baby, I want my baby!" I got a great sense of peace when I let that feeling out and I realised I won't ever hold her again, but I still love her, this baby I will hold, she needs me and I can be there for her.

[TinkerBellesMum]

It's still early days, those fears are normal and to be expected. You will find the place where she's hiding inside you and then those fears will be chased away. You'll worry from time to time that you might forget or that you're getting on with your life "too much" but you'll learn to bring her back to you each time.

Have you joined the SANDS forum?

[Tiamummy]

TinkerBellesMum she feels so far away right now, and i really am struggling to hold onto her. I keep waking in the night needing to see her picture because i panic i forget what she looks like . I am struggling but also trying to gain some sense of composure with my husband, because he really isn't coping so he's in the forfront of my mind taking up space where Tia should be.

[TinkerBellesMum]

I could have written that. She's not going away from you though, you will always carry her with you, you just have to find the place you have made for her inside yourself then when you need to you will be able to draw on that and bring her close.

[Tiamummy]

Sunnygirl1412 i'm just touched you cared enough to leave a message, so thankyou anyway.

There really is no strength here, just typed words on a page hiding a flood of tears. This may sound a little odd but it's the only way i can describe how i'm feeling right now, but as each day goes by i feel further away from her. Like she's slipping away from me. Can anyone make sense of this feeling?

[TinkerBellesMum]

I often feel very guilty that we can't get to the cemetery as often as I would like to, but I've come to realise that Lily-Hope isn't at the cemetery. I carry her where ever I go, it wasn't the baby I held for her whole life time that I buried there. I have her picture on the wall and when I look at my daughter and stepsons I see her there too.

You'll find this yourself soon, it's OK to go away because if you went as far as you could go Tia will always be there, she will never ever leave you.

Sorry, I haven't read the thread I just saw your post about leaving her and had to answer.

[dismemberingdora]

Tiamummy, I am so amazed at your strength. Thank you for reminding me of the value of life and love. You're not alone. You have given hope and comfort to others not able to comprehend or deal with death and the passing of lo. God bless you, your dh and your angel Tia.
Thinking of you and yours x

[sunnygirl1412]

Sorry that my previous post was so out of place - I hadn't realised how far the thread had moved on.

The love and caring shown on this and other threads is simply amazing.

Tiamummy - I'll be lighting my candle tonight and will say a special prayer for you and your dh and Tia. I just wish that there was something more that I could do for you.

[ILikeToScareYouScareYou]

Hi again Tia's mummy.

I totally understand about not wanting to leave Tia. We were exactly the same. It took us about 6 months to go on holiday after Cole's death as we couldn't stand the thought of leaving him.

As others have said, we all grieve in different ways. You and your partner will get through this, and remember if you get through this you can get through anything.

[wheredowegofromhere]

Having had to organised my mother's funeral recently, and as a single child, single parent, I really did not want to do it, I would say that a wake, or any time set aside for people who have come to relax outside the funeral environment will be welcome.

People want to talk, whether you want to hear it or not. Also, it is polite to feed people who have travelled a few hundred miles.

Whatever you decide, good luck.
xx

[travellingwilbury]

Hi Tias mummy

Harry was also my first born , I didn't work at the time but I had applied for a part time job as a carer . I found out the crb check had gone through the day after he died so could start work as soon as I liked . I did start work about 6 wks later and for me it was a life saver . They all knew what had happened so I didn't need to explain myself to everyone . It did help to have a reason to get up in the morning . I only worked mornings and I was mostly on my own . It was also in the village were I live so I could go and see Harry whenever I wanted .
It did help but it was very hard .

All you can do is one hour / day at a time and see how you feel .
My oh went back to work after a couple of weeks . I think he felt that if he didn't do it soon he would never do it . He did struggle with it , more than I realised tbh . We did get through together but there were times when we seemed to go off and lick our wounds seperately . The biggest difference between us was that I wanted people round all the time . I couldn't stand the silence in the house where as my oh wanted us to be on our own a lot more .

I hope you are doing ok today . Sorry that sounds so trite but I hope you know what I mean
x

[sunnygirl1412]

We had one after my Dad's funeral, because a lot of people had come a long way to attend, and it seemed only right to feed them before they left.

It also gave us, my mum particularly, a chance to talk to all these people about Dad, and to thank them for coming so far.

[Tiamummy]

I'm very much in the same boat as you were. I gave up working to become a mum, so i've nothing to return to even if i wanted to. 90% of my friends have children, although my best friends children are older so it hasn't affected me quite so much.
As for getting away for a while, i think that would be something to consider in a few months time but for now i feel i need to stay close to family and Tia
Our relationship is showing signs of strain right now but i will never give up.

[ILikeToScareYouScareYou]

Hi there Tiamummy.

Like you I lost my firstborn and I was a sahm, so whne I lost my ds I really felt I had no place or purpose.

I'm not sure I have any pearls of wisdom for you, but I carried on seeing my friends and their children (it didn't upset me as much as I thought, infact it was a comfort to know that life still goes on) and I decorated rooms in our house.

Weekends were very difficult as they were so family orientated, so dh and I took the chance to go away a few times, we bought cinema passes, and took the chance to catch up with friends.

Most of all, dh and I were there for each other. Be kind to one another and give each other times to cry, talk and grieve. xxx

[Tiamummy]

Yes he does need to return to work. He's someone who needs a sense of normal in their world, where as i'm the opposite. Time will tell how he manages, but he needs to give it a go. I just want to thank everyone for being to warm and kind to us, you are all wonderful examples of the wonder of human nature

[nooOOOoonki]

Hope you have a better sleep tonight tiamummy,
xxx

[lauraloola]

Hi Tiasmummy, just wanted to let you know I am still thinking of you and hope you are doing ok x

[VaginaShmergina]

Tiamummy, hello, how are you doing today ? Have you and DH managed to talk at all ?