Highly Emotive subject but I would appreciate the views of others

[Tiamummy]

We are at stalemate on the subject of wakes. So i would appreciate the views of others on this. It's taken all day for me to pluck up the courage to ask

TinkerBellesMum she feels so far away right now, and i really am struggling to hold onto her. I keep waking in the night needing to see her picture because i panic i forget what she looks like . I am struggling but also trying to gain some sense of composure with my husband, because he really isn't coping so he's in the forfront of my mind taking up space where Tia should be.

It's still early days, those fears are normal and to be expected. You will find the place where she's hiding inside you and then those fears will be chased away. You'll worry from time to time that you might forget or that you're getting on with your life "too much" but you'll learn to bring her back to you each time.

Have you joined the SANDS forum?

It's hard for us when we watch our men go through it. My partner doesn't show his feelings very much, he was brought up that it's a sign of weakness, I could see how hard it was for him, he fought constantly between his grief and the idea he couldn't show it. I was dealing with what was happening because I was showing it and it hurt me to see him struggling so much. I split my time between being there for him and trying to grieve myself. They say that women are the stronger sex because we deal with our feelings and I certainly found that.

You need to be there for you and your husband, your daughter won't ever leave you and you won't ever forget her or stop loving her like a mother will. Allow yourself to grieve and look after your husband, your daughter will still be there when you start to come through it.

When I was pregnant with Tink I was very angry, I remember one day just saying to myself "I don't want this baby, I want my baby!" I got a great sense of peace when I let that feeling out and I realised I won't ever hold her again, but I still love her, this baby I will hold, she needs me and I can be there for her.

It's hard because just reaching out to him gets him stroppy. He broke down majorly at Tias funeral, but before and especially now he's so full of anger and guilt. I desperately want us to grieve together, but we're poles apart emotionally and i can't get through long enough for it to break, so not only am i hurting with my grief i'm hurting for his aswell and carrying him. I've never known him to be this way and his is so affected by Tia but is keeping his guard well and truly up.

This is the only place i've been on at the moment. Do you use SANDS?

Knowing most men, he is probably trying to be strong for you and that is probably why he wants to get some sort of normality. I think he will probably break down again soon, maybe when you are a little stronger!

That sounds like my OH too. He thinks it was his fault (I went into labour at 20 weeks and our daughter was born alive, they found out from it I'm autoimmune) that he should have done something more or didn't look after me properly.

That's men, it's their "duty" to protect their family and when something goes wrong they've "failed". They're torn between grieving, their own feelings and their grief. They will separate themselves because they feel they've let us down once and are scared of doing it again and they feel we should blame them as much as they blame themselves. Plus I think they don't "deserve" to grieve because it was their fault.

(Please note the speech marks are because I'm putting it from their side and don't believe any of it)

I think it's really important for us to support them because that will in turn bring the support we need from them. I keep telling my OH that I don't need him to be there for me, I need him to be here with me. Pull him into you and you'll get to the point where you can cry in each others arms, that's where you need to be together.

I do use the SANDS forum, there's a few on here who do. If you can find your local branch you may find that helps your OH too as he will be able to talk to other men who've been there without realising it helps.

cikecaka, the thing is he isn't actually being strong for me, it's quite the opposite. He's blocking his emotions because he cannot deal with them, and i believe doesn't actually know how to deal with them. His dad was of the old camp of crying's for girls, so for him being in touch with his emotions is like asking me to swim the channel. Not a very good example but hopefully you'll know what i mean. It's me that is having to be strong for him and i can't, it's totally impossible and i cannot put my grief on standby. It's too fierce and raw, and if i can't work through it then it will eat me up and our relationship, which i already strained, will disintegrate.

There's no easy way round any of this but just being able to type stuff out that's in my head helps.

hello tiasmummy, I haven't been able to read the whole thread as I am doing this from my phone.
I am so sorry that your daughter died, I don't know what it is like to live with the death of a child so I can only try to imagine how hard it is for you, everyone faces grief in different ways and althou at the moment you feel you and your dh are doing it differently at some point you may be able to do it together but it might be a while ahead yet, you need to have somewhere to talk andMN is very good for that.
My Dh died in June Mn helped me throu and still helps me throu, me & the kids are in menorca at the moment it is one of the places that was special to us as a family and we have found a certain level of peace here. You too will find peace thou it will take a while.
Much love.
Oj

Tia's candle is burning in my front window now.

Hugs - and if I can do anything to help, please ask.

sunnygirl.

Hi Tias mummy

How you doing today ? You have been in my thoughts all week . You are right about the rawness of those early days . Do you have anyone else other than your oh to talk to ?
It is such early days for you both , I really feel for you .