My little brother died 2 weeks ago today

[evansmummy]

I say little, he was 24. He died 5 days after a hit and run accident in the city where he lived. He graduated from uni last year and was still living and working there. He was due to move back home in three weeks time.

He spent 5 days in Neuro ICU battling a serious brain injury but it was too much for him in the end. My parents, other brother (27, I am eldest) and I were with him when he died.

He was the most beautiful, sensitive, kind, energetic and passionate boy. He went for what he wanted and believed in everything he did. I am so angry that he has been taken from us when his life was just getting started. He had everything going for him, and an amazing future ahead of him.

I am getting drunk every night, smoking 5 times more tha normal, and have this huge resentment toward God and the person who hit him. The injustice of it just makes me want to scream out loud. I feel sick to the stomach with grief, and anger, and loss. I wish he could come back. I love him so very much.

The funeral is not until Monday, then we have 10 months before a court case (the driver was handed in by his family members) and an inquest. I can't believe this has happened to us.

I still feel bad.

Funny how people are really 'there for you' in the first few weeks, then everyone else's life gets back to normal and you're left feeling very lonely.

so sorry to hear this evansmummy. SO so sad. My DH was involved in a hit and run but was lucky in that he survived, albeit with a paralysed arm, but he's still here. I can't begin to imagine how you must be feeling.

I know what you mean about how people are there for you to begin with then they 'get back to normal' and you're left to get on with it. Sadly it seems some people only have a certain capacity for sympathy and support. On the other hand, maybe if you told them you were feeling crap, needed to chat, have some company etc, they may surprise you and be there? I hope the latter will be the case.

In the meantime, keep posting on mn, you will get loads of support and sympathy here.

Once again, I am SO sorry to hear about your poor brother.

Look after you. x

Keep talking here and if you can in real life- people find it so hard to know what to say,

they don't know if you will want to talk about him or not.

I am so sad and angry for you, he sounds like he was lovely.

Thank you, and I will keep posting.

Surprising how strangers have a better capacity for sympathy than friends and family.

I like it here

I am so sad for you. Life can be so cruel and unfair sometimes.

The people who care are still there for you, but probably aren't sure how you're feeling and fall into the classic trap of not talking about your loss for fear of upsetting you (as though you're not totally aware of your loss all the time). Talk to people (including mners) about how you feel, they can't read your mind.

Is there anything good you can pour some of your grief into? Is there something your brother was passionate about that you could take up for him, a joint passion, something about your life that you can work on and make him proud?

Many years ago I lost a very close friend fairly suddenly and I like to feel he's still with me in the inspiration he gave me to change my job (through a comment he made before he died, that I acted on later) - it sent my life in a whole new direction and I always have him to thank for that and that feels good.

I hope you find something and keep up the counselling. I don't know if "it will get easier" but you will learn to manage and put some kind of normality back into life. Take care.

I feel like I should be starting to do something. But I just don't know what. My brother too once made a comment about my job, which I loved at the time, but since he died, I hate being there. I wonder if I shouldn't think about that a bit more.

We both loved music and I stopped going to gigs when I had my ds. But my other brother has invited me to go and see a band in a month's time (esp as my two brother's went to gigs all the time together), so that will be good.

Am buying a tree tomorrow, to plant in his memory.

He was a very fit and active person and I'm not, so it's kind of hard to know what I can do. I know he would be proud if I got myself fit. But I just can't be bothered. I started exercising about a month before he died, and never got a chance to tell him, and I just can't bring myself to get back on it.

I must admit that I've withdrawn a bit from my friends and dh. I worry that they'll get bored of hearing me go on about it so I just pretend. Entirely my own fault that I'm not getting any sympathy really... Also my best friend keeps trying to 'fix it'. I'm having a complete crisi of (Christian) faith and, bless her, she just wants to make that go away. So I've stopped telling her about how I feel.

I wish this had never happened. I just want to wake up and for it all to be gone.

so sorry you are feeling pretty crap - it's horrible. It does start to feel as if everyone expects you to start 'getting over it' & you somehow feel guilty wanting to still feel miserable! But that's normal I think - do you talk to your other brothers about how you're feeling? Whilst I did not have any other siblings, I have close cousins who I talked to about my brother - although I still deep down that no one really understood the real pain & grief of losing a dear brother. I think I said in an earlier post that i'm not going to pretend that it gets easier that quickly - just different. 5 years on I still feel crap on daily basis but I have some kind of acceptance, and the rawness is a little less jagged round the edges. I never hadcounselling but actually thinking about having it now as still have a lot of anger & issues that I feel I'm not coping with - so I would encourage you to have some. Don't blame you having doubts about your faith - I'm not especially religious but found well meaning comments from people about 'gods will' etc the most upsetting & hard to deal with. Look after yourself - don't put pressure on yourself to 'feel' a certain way - if you feel sad find time to cry, angry find a way to let it out - I have punched my cushions a fair few times! Take care x

I love the tree idea and definitely gig sounds fun and meaningful (and you'll probably cry and it'll be dark and no one will know and you won't have to explain...).

Maybe you can introduce your ds to some of the music you and your brother shared, boogie around the living room style (you don't say how old ds is - or musical style come to that).

Job thing's a tricky one and can't always be rushed, can it? I'm sure you'd hate ANY job just now, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't change. Do you have an idea of something else you could do? Do you have the money to finance a careers guidance meeting if you're serious about a change? Explore what else there is out there kind of thing?

I'm an atheist so probably not much help on the crisis of faith part.....

Finally, if you've recognised that you're pushing people away, tell them and say sorry and ask them to help you open up to them again. You need those people who care and they're probably feeling they've lost you too.

Meant to add, would dh help with the exercise thing? Maybe there's something you could do together but also feel like your brother would be thoroughly approving?

Evansmummy I've just seen this thread after your kind words on mine. What a terrible terrible thing to happen, I am so sorry. It makes no sense at all when someone is just at the beginning of such wonderful things. My brother was too (and he'd only been married six weeks and was so happy and in love). I am not religious at all but can imagine that if I was it would cause me to question what I believed. I have to say the friends I have who do have faith have said things like 'the good die young because they have gone to a better place', and that has made me even less likely to become religious than I was in the first place! Not helpful

Thanks all. I found reading all this very helpful.

I am seeing a counsellor from Cruse which is very good for me. She came today in fact. I wouldn't be without it, it's like a beacon in my week when I know I'm gonna be able t get it all out and have some constructive advice back.

The tree was disastrous today. Didn't find what I wanted and now have decided to do a bit more research and wish hadn't. It's a lt harder than I thought it was going to be...

My remaining brother and I are going to see The Boxer Rebellion (rock) in London. My ds is only 3, but he likes his guitars and drums (my living brother is a drummer), so sharing music with him would be a good idea.

I really like the idea of a careers guidane meeting and I will definitely look into it after Christmas (which I'm dreading). I'm working tomorrow and am not looking forward to it at all.

I keep hearing the 'better place' and 'God's will' things too, and it angers me. It's not helpful to know that sort of thing at all. Maybe why I find work so hard (I work in a church).

I keep meaning to start swimming again. Just moved in with my brother at our folks house and they have an indoor pool in the garden. But, like I said, I just can't be bothered to get on with very much at the moment. I hope it will come though.

Bad day today. Wished myself alone somewhere with no responsibilities to anyone or thing. Sometimes think I would like to run away.

Evansmummy - so sorry about your brother. It is just the most awful thing to happen. My little brother died suddenly when he was 19 of a heart condition that we knew nothing about. That was ten years ago. Over the years I suppose I have learned to live with it. I've got used to the idea of him being gone, but I will never 'get over it'. I think about him everyday and dream about him all the time. Christmas is always hard. One thing that really helped to keep me sane was exercising. I would have gone crazy if I didn't go for a jog or a swim most days. I don't know why it helped me, it was just quite therapeutic. It was time I had on my own, something to focus on and take time away from the awfulness of what was going on. Maybe it helped because it was one thing that I had control over. I really believe that it kept me off anti-depressants. Anyway, I just wanted to say give the exercise a go. Even if you don't feel like it, you will always feel a bit better afterwards. Sometimes the last thing I felt like doing was going to the pool, but I never ever regretted it afterwards. I hope work was ok for you today. xx