My little brother died 2 weeks ago today

[evansmummy]

I say little, he was 24. He died 5 days after a hit and run accident in the city where he lived. He graduated from uni last year and was still living and working there. He was due to move back home in three weeks time.

He spent 5 days in Neuro ICU battling a serious brain injury but it was too much for him in the end. My parents, other brother (27, I am eldest) and I were with him when he died.

He was the most beautiful, sensitive, kind, energetic and passionate boy. He went for what he wanted and believed in everything he did. I am so angry that he has been taken from us when his life was just getting started. He had everything going for him, and an amazing future ahead of him.

I am getting drunk every night, smoking 5 times more tha normal, and have this huge resentment toward God and the person who hit him. The injustice of it just makes me want to scream out loud. I feel sick to the stomach with grief, and anger, and loss. I wish he could come back. I love him so very much.

The funeral is not until Monday, then we have 10 months before a court case (the driver was handed in by his family members) and an inquest. I can't believe this has happened to us.

Evansmummy, so sorry to hear this.

Your reactions are totally normal, as so many wonderful ladies have already said. Do try and get some counselling. xx

I became part of The Compassionate Friends after the death of my two sons.

They are very, very helpful and will try to 'match' you with another family - you can then correspond if you want to.

The Compassionate Friends, 53, North Street, Bristol, BS3 1EN.

www.tcf.org.uk
[email protected]
Telephone: 0845 120 3785

They have a siblings group as well.

It is a self help group for bereaved families of children from newborn to ....well, I dont think there is an age limit.

Hope these details are of some helpxx

I just found this in the latest Compassionate Friends newsletter.

I'll always love you

I'm always here
always around
Always with you
I don't make a sound.

I'm always listening
always aware
I'm always your brother
I'll always be there.

I'm always beside you
always so near.
I'm always watching
when you shed a tear.

I'm always listening
when you talk to me
Always attentive
I'll always agree.

I'll always remember
we always had fun
Always so special,
our days in the sun.

I'll always be with you
when you're laughing out loud
I'm always right by you
when you're in a crowd.

I'll always be waiting
I always will care
When you come to meet me
I will be there.

xxxxxx

I'm so sorry for you Evansmummy. I would be so very angry too in your shoes. It is so unfair.

Thank you so much everyone for your posts. And for your bravery in sharing your stories. It helps to know that people have gone through this and come out the other side.

I did go and see my brother today. And it was the right thing to do. he looked so much better than he did in the hospital. And although he didn't quite look himself (for avrious reasons that I can't go into), he looked peaceful. When we cleared his bedrrom last week, he had pined on his wall my wedding photo and a drawing that my dh had given him when he went off to uni. We brought both home, and today we put them back with him in the coffin. It felt right.

I am still hurting today, but some of the anger has gone. I'm guesing it could, and probably will, come back, though.

One day at a time... Sound advice.

I'm so glad you got some peace from seeing your brother today.

MrsTittlemouse made a very good point about the grief - you don't ever completely get over it, but it stops dominating your life and you start to live with it. Try to hold on to the thought that it will get better and it may make the hard days a little more bearable.

I am so sorry for your loss. I know you feel as if your heart will break. It will feel better. This is the hardest part. Take each breath, each moment, each hour and each day, one at a time. Slowly it will become easier. Try and remember he loved you and knew you loved him. In the end that is what matters most.

Thinking of you.

evansmummy,i am so glad that you went to see your brother.I know for some its not right but for me it was very important,and like you i was glad because i knew then that she really was at peace.She actually didnt look ill anymore and i prefer that picture in my mind rather than the one in the hospital on a life support system.I am quite a few years on from where you are at the moment,but we still all talk about her all the time,she is still my sister she just dosent live here anymore.At the time you wonder how you manage to eat a meal ,do the washing and shopping when such an awful thing has happened,but even these little things show you that life does in fact carry on.I really feel for you at this time as i have been there and know the anguish you are in.x

Hi evansmummy, I love that you put the photograph and drawing in with your brother, very poignant and the right thing to do.

I have so much to say to you to try and reassure you that you will get through this, the journey is bloody hard but the road gets less windy and complicated. Every now and then you hit a bump and it will remind you of him, the bumps get smaller too.

I struggled to put on the brave face for the first year and then when the Anniversary came up I hit the wall, disintegrated into a thousand pieces.

Counselling and AD's helped.

MN is my pick me up now. I am glad you have come on here and shared this painful experience with us.Sending love to all your family at this awful time and wishing you strength for Monday.

Just out of interest where do you live, if you can say ?

My dad was killed in a hit and run too. I hope it will be a comfort to you that you will see who did this to your brother being brought to justice (they never found the driver who hit my dad).

I know it's a bit soon, but when it goes to court, ask the police liasion about the process called 'restorative justice.' It's where victims (you) and criminals are able to communicate and perhaps it would help if you could direct your anger.

You will get through it - some days are worse than others but it does less traumatic.

I'm so sorry evansmummy

I've known a family shattered by a drink and hit and run driver, my friend, their son and brother, sounds just like your brother. Nicest guy you could possibly ever meet. There wasn't enough space in the chapel for all the mourners.

It takes time. So be kind to yourselves - it's okay to be angry at everyone and everything right now.

So sorry evansmummy. I had a little brother. He died when he was 6. That was 21 years ago. I still miss him - but it does eventually get easier. Promise.

oh evansmummy this is my first look at this sad thread.
firstly I am so very sorry to hear about your sweet little brother. However grown they are ( I have 2 younger) they are always my little brothers.
I just wanted to reassure you about the rush of mad feelings you experience after losing a dearly loved person.
I experienced
god denial that persists 17 years on
anger
hatred
fear
pure all consuming grief
drinking whisky
smoking one after the other
insomnia
when you've lost someone there is no script on what to do. Grief is both individual and shared.

It will take time but perhaps one day you may think the selflessness of the the family who handed the driver in. They too have lost something, but that is too raw for you, save it til later. I only say that as a bystander with perspective.
I hope you are, I know you must be wrenched with pain.
Take precious care x x.

Oh EM I am so sorry you are having to go through this I feel god always takes the best young people of the world.

Thank you again all so so much for these posts. I am finding comfort in reading them even if I'm not posting much.

VS - I live in Bucks. Would like to get some counselling, and plan to look into it after the funeral.

At the moment I detest the driver, even if it was just a terrible accident (he apparently wasn't speeding, nor was he drunk, although there are no independent witnesses at the moment). I couldn't even bear to be in the same room as him at the moment. But maybe that will change over time.

Yesterday was a better day but I feel dreadful today. Going to my pqrents now for Fathers' Day lunch. My poor dad...

I will keep posting, even if it is sporadic. And I appreciate and will continue to appreciate the support. My emotions change every day, every minute, and that's part of what is so hard.

Thanks again everyone, you're all beautiful.

Funeral is tomorrow. Am dreading it

Evansmummy, so sorry about your loss. I hope tomorrow is the best it can be for you and your family.

Lot of love and hugs xxxx

evansmummy. just checking in again. sad to hear you are dreading tomorrow. but it is a very important part of the grieving process.

you need to be there and draw strength from the people you love that will be standing there with you. you need, for now, to feel, to howl, to keen and to express your pain as much as you can.

you need to let the cup spill over as it were, the cup of suffering you hold in your heart. and then you can take each day to heal slightly and remember your beautiful brother.

'When you are sorrowful look again in your heart,
and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that
which has been your delight'
-Kahlil Gibran

i will be thinking of you tomorrow.

Hi Evansmummy - I don't know whether you and your family are religious, but I found the whole ritual comforting. (my dad was killed in a hit and run) Family is Catholic, so it was a funeral mass.

There were lots of family I hadn't seen for awhile, and in a sense there is the dichotomy between joy and sorrow. Joy at seeing so many people who loved my dad at some stage of his life, and sorrow for obvious reasons.

Try not to think of the funeral as final. It's merely a process of putting grief into some sort of order.

maybe you could plan a memorial service for your brother at a later stage on your terms, for when you feel ready? And to celebrate the essence of your brother and how you want to remember him? Maybe just you and your close family?

The main thing is not to feel that events are out of your control.

I don't blame you for dreading it.
The only "good" thing about the funeral is that you will see how many people were touched by him and his life, and how much they all cared for him, and miss him. It is still a (small) comfort to me now.
I'll be thinking about you tomorrow.

Thanks all so much. We are expecting to see a lot of young people there - from his school and college and uni.

My Dad said this evening that he was scared of tomorrow but that we would all be there together and that was the most important thing right now. I love my family so much, there is just a big gaping hole where he should be.

So sorry to read about your loss evansmummy.

I hope tomorrow goes ok.

xx

So Sorry - but be strong for him. He's not far away - in the next room - Remember to talk about him , Don't be scared - take heart from the people who come to see him off.. the young ones especially will remember him.. as well as your family

Will be thinking of you today evansmummy - and of your family. So sad to know that your Dad is scared of today. It is unnatural to have to bury your child. Totally unnatural.

thinking of you today.