My little brother died 2 weeks ago today

[evansmummy]

I say little, he was 24. He died 5 days after a hit and run accident in the city where he lived. He graduated from uni last year and was still living and working there. He was due to move back home in three weeks time.

He spent 5 days in Neuro ICU battling a serious brain injury but it was too much for him in the end. My parents, other brother (27, I am eldest) and I were with him when he died.

He was the most beautiful, sensitive, kind, energetic and passionate boy. He went for what he wanted and believed in everything he did. I am so angry that he has been taken from us when his life was just getting started. He had everything going for him, and an amazing future ahead of him.

I am getting drunk every night, smoking 5 times more tha normal, and have this huge resentment toward God and the person who hit him. The injustice of it just makes me want to scream out loud. I feel sick to the stomach with grief, and anger, and loss. I wish he could come back. I love him so very much.

The funeral is not until Monday, then we have 10 months before a court case (the driver was handed in by his family members) and an inquest. I can't believe this has happened to us.

I'm sorry for your loss, what an awful time you're having. Thinking of you x

Hit and run is an offence whatever the consequences, so the driver will not get away with it scot free. I'm sure there will be some media interest so he will be named and shamed.

Scared of Prozac but not scared of alcohol or tobacco? I'm scared of all of them. I do drink alcohol but after 3 glasses I'm talking to God on the Great White Telephone all night so that does inhibit me a bit.

He didn't stop at all. Just drove straight off. He said he 'panicked'. Went and ârked the car at home then went to a take away that his family owns. Two hours later some of his family returned to the scene and said they had the person who did it at their restaurant.

He's been charged with dangerous driving, which he'll probably get away with as there's no evidence to prove that at the moment, failing to stop at the scene of an accident, which is punishable with a fine and points, and failing to report an accident, also fine and points.

Can't get through to local Cruse office until next Wednesday. Definitely want a drink now, so will prob ask gp for medication when i see him next week.

Feel awful again.

evansmummy,you will have many days when you feel so upset,but its a very gradual process to getting back to a near normal life again.One day you will feel fine maybe just for a couple of hours ,then the next time it will be for a bit longer and so on ,it does take time and its not going to happen overnight.But please dont use drink as a crutch,it will not take away your unhappiness,it will only deaden it for a while,then reality will come flooding back.There are a few of us who have been where you are now and can empathise with you ,and we are all here for you to talk to when it overwhelms you.

I agree with mummylin when ,y mother died the truly awful scenes were down to me drinking too much and losing it with those nearest to me who just wanted to help. In the end I cut right down and saw a counsellor - hang in there and get to Cruse as soon as you can. Drinking solves nothing and can make it worse. GOod luck

so sorry to hear about this. Can't understand, but I have 4 'little' brothers and this must be devastating for the whole family

xx

Still no luck with Cruse. But have an appt with a bereavement counsellor from my church, on Monday.

Very up and down today. Managed not to drink until this evening. But I have had a bottle of wine tonight.

And a good chat with my mum today. Talked about how we were feeling, and it helped, a bit. I'm surprised about how much my emotions can change in the space of a day. This morning I wanted to join my brother, didn't know how I could face another day. Then this afternoon, after spending some time with my mum, felt a bit more positive. Or at least a bit calmer.

Have started talking to Jonny today. Couldn't manage it before. But have been speaking to his photo (is that crazy???) a bit each time I walk up the stairs at home.

It will be my birthday in two weeks. Wondering what it will feel like without him there.

I am very sorry to hear about your loss. I remeber that when I lost my nan I read this poem a number of times - might be nice for you too

And if I go,
while you're still here...
Know that I live on,
vibrating to a different measure
--behind a thin veil you cannot see through.
You will not see me,
so you must have faith.
I wait for the time when we can soar together again,
--both aware of each other.
Until then, live your life to its fullest.
And when you need me,
Just whisper my name in your heart,
...I will be there.

EM, so not crazy talking to your little brother/ his photo - I still talk to my Mum. I have a photo of me in my wedding dress with her in the hospital from this time last year (at the time we didn't know she was terminal) and it's my favourite one to talk to.
Whenever I go to the grave (my Mum is in with my Nan and Grandad) I talk to them all there as well. It gives me a focus and helps me remember them as still being part of my family - and who knows, maybe somewhere they can hear me. I like to think so and so I have conversations with them all.

I talk to my mum all the time and she died 7 years ago now. Also chat to FIL when DH is driving me round the bend I think its a v healthy thing to do - hope today is a bit more bearable evansmummy - good luck w tomorrow's appt

How did it go evansmummy?

Work was dreadful today. I really didn't want to go, but my boss had said (in true management speak) 'let's work towards you coming back on Monday'. So rather than stand up for myself, I just went. And hated it. Felt all wrong. Sobbed the whole way there, couldn't concentrate, just wanted to cry, the smallest thing set me off, wanted to shout at them all that football registration forms just aren't important anymore, hated the prayers (I work in a church). Nightmare.

Then this afternoon, a ray of light. The counselling session was great. Although we didn't talk a lot, an certainly didn't cover everything I thought we might, she did talk to me about setting boundaries and not allowing anyone to make decision for me at the moment, about what's best. To 'love myself', be selfish and just do what feel right. She peruaded me to phone my boss and say I wouldn't be coming in the rest of the week and that I needed to take things slower. And I'm so thankful for that. Don't want to 'get on with things' yet. Need space and my own time to learn to live with this, and having to ignore because I'm at work just isn't helpful.

She also advised that I talk to my folks about memories, esp as I don't have many of Jonny between 3 and 10 years old. No idea why. So I'm going for a walk with my dad tomorrow and lunch with my mum on wednesday.

Feel a lot calmer.

Dreading bedtime. Last night I tossed and turned thinking about his last night awake, the accident, the 5 days in hospital. I can vivdly remember holding his dry hand, it being heavy and lifeless and just squeezing it. Holding his arm, kissing his forehead, watching the machines around him. I don't want to remember that stuff, but at the same time it was the last I saw of him alive. I'm starting to make myself feel sick...

Evansmummy, I am so extremely sorry to hear. I lost my brother at the same age 9 years ago. Agree with some of the other posters here - it's a gradual process. It will get easier, but sometimes it will still be incredibly hard. You will be happy again. And you will always love him just the same. In a way he'll always be with you. I miss my brother (he was 2 years older than me) so much, but I do find some comfort in knowing I will see him again one day. Thinking of you.

life does go on and your brother would want you to be happy.It must have took a lot of courage for the drivers family to shop him and of course that isnt much comfort if you lost a lovely person.Your brother will always be in your heart.He knew you loved him.When my mum died (she cut her finger and died of septisemia )i had just given birth to her first grandchild.I promised my mum IN MY HEAD i would have a great life and and enjoy the things she didnt as she died at the age of 41.I was only 19 .Life does get any 1 down at times esp when people die and leave us.Memories will give you comfort just dosent seem like it at the moment.It can be a sad unjust world but just try to think of the love you shared with your brother.GOD BLESS

It's my birthday today.

He should be here

I'm so sorry. The first year is so hard, because there are so many firsts. Your birthday, his birthday, Christmas, and then the first anniversary of the accident.

Happy birthday evansmummy.

It may not seem like it now but it will get better.

I feel so desperately sad

so sorry and sad for you, how is your ds?

It's getting harder every day. I hate this.

been reading this and wanting to respond. My brother died of prostate cancer 5 years ago aged just 40. Your feeling of it getting harder each day was and is in some ways still true for me - the worst thing people could say at times was that it would get easier. Of course, it changes but I wouldn't say it gets 'easier' just different and the rawness is slightly smoother.... but I still have days where I physically ache with the feeling of loss. So everything you are feeling sounds 'normal' whatever that is - and don't feel that you 'should' feel any different than you do or guilty in any way for it not feeling any easier. Feel angry when you want to, sad when you want to and intolerant of others when you want to!! lots of love and thoughts to you

Just been re reading all these messages. I feel so lonely. I have these awfl waves of realisation where I feel my heart sinking. I would do anything to have him back. I think of nothing else.

At least I've slowed down the drinking. And still seeing a counsellor, which helps.

Want to write a letter to the consultant neurosurgeon who treated my brother, as i have some questions that have been going round and round in my head. But I just can't seem to get on and do it. It's so hard to think properly.

I wish it would go away.

Couldn't not respond. So sorry for your loss. .

I think that writing the letter (even if you don't send it) could be cathartic. Maybe write it and take it to your next counsellor appointment and talk it through could be a good next step.

Regardless of any answers you get, unfortunately it will not change the outcome, although you know this.

You will be in my prayers tonight, I hope that this unbelievable burden gets easier for you over time.

Glad that you have slowed down on the drinking.

Just looked at your profile and he was a lovely kind looking bloke.

Ohhh, sweetheart. I just re-read your OP & looked at your photos. How completely impossible to believe that lovely man isn't with you any more.

I wish your pain could go away too.

XXX

Evansmummy - sorry for your loss. It does get easier, albeit slowly. I lost my sister four years ago and I still miss her terribly and feel very lonely. It has had huge repercussions in the family and my mum is dealing with it very badly, but we've coped. You have to.
I once asked someone I worked with who had lost her mum years ago how she dealt with it, and she said that no matter what life throws at her, she knows it will never be as bad as this. You can deal with it. Stay strong.