My little brother died 2 weeks ago today

[evansmummy]

I say little, he was 24. He died 5 days after a hit and run accident in the city where he lived. He graduated from uni last year and was still living and working there. He was due to move back home in three weeks time.

He spent 5 days in Neuro ICU battling a serious brain injury but it was too much for him in the end. My parents, other brother (27, I am eldest) and I were with him when he died.

He was the most beautiful, sensitive, kind, energetic and passionate boy. He went for what he wanted and believed in everything he did. I am so angry that he has been taken from us when his life was just getting started. He had everything going for him, and an amazing future ahead of him.

I am getting drunk every night, smoking 5 times more tha normal, and have this huge resentment toward God and the person who hit him. The injustice of it just makes me want to scream out loud. I feel sick to the stomach with grief, and anger, and loss. I wish he could come back. I love him so very much.

The funeral is not until Monday, then we have 10 months before a court case (the driver was handed in by his family members) and an inquest. I can't believe this has happened to us.

Couldn't read this and not post. I've got a huge lump in my throat and feel so sad for you.

I lost my cousin, who was like an older sister and best friend to me, 4 years ago. She died suddenly after an aneurism. She was beautiful, hilarious, gentle, and taught me so much.

I remember the funeral and getting very very drunk (she would have approved). I remember feeling numb through the readings. I am still grieving for her, but in a gentle, almost reassuring way. I don't want my sadness to die completely, but at the same time, I am now able to look at our lives together and be so so thankful. Music really helps me to remember her, both in grief and in joy. Too early for you I suspect, but you will get there in time.

Look after yourself - allow yourself to feel your feelings IYKWIM.

Evansmummy such awful news, thinking of you. If its any cnsolation (which it probably isn't) look at the work of kubler-ross on grief - you're reacting as you need to. Take care, hugs.

Evansmummy - I wish you peace.

No one can take away the memories of your brother. Maybe something of his life can inspire you in some way that you will deal with your own dc.

May his spirit comfort you, even as you mourn.

Evansmummy - read this thread and had to post - can I suggest you try to get some counselling if not now then in a few weeks time - I did this when my mum died of cancer 7 years ago and it dragged me out of the anger/drinking/wigging out cycle - DH had to put up with some extreme scenes before I went to the counsellor but going to her her gave me an outlet to vent, cry, talk whatever without fearing recriminations or accusations - really, go and see yur GP and get a referral. It will help you get through the days.

Some else here said 'baby steps' and I couldnt agree more - you've lost a massive part of your life, it will be hard for a long time but eventually you emerge, different definately but still you. All my love and take care.

Feel so exhausted. And empty. Each minute I don't know how I'm gonna get through the rest of the day, I just wait for bedtime when I can pop a pill and knock myself out for a few hours. Being awake is just so painful.

I have an appt with the GP tomorrow. Saw him last week and he was great. I will ask about counselling when I see him.

Not So Rampant - I know one day I'll feel differently, its this time between now and then that's hard to look at. I don't have the perspective that you have yet, but it's reassuring to hear people's only story of their journeys through the grief. I look forward to the day that I can think of him and smile rather than think of him and feel my heart tearing apart. My baby brother.

Since he died, I've been searching high and low for the letters I wrote him while at uni then while I lived in France. They weren't in his room where he lived, nor his room at my parents. I was beginning to think that he must have thrown them away. I found them today, all together in a Winnie the Pooh tin I had as a child. He'd onviously found it somewhere and used it to keep all my letters. I crumbled into tiny pieces when I saw them all there. I have read some and although they date from pre ds (no bloody time to write after that), I'm confident from what I wrote that he knew how much I loved him.

Would anyone mind if I put a photo up of him? Can anyone tell me how?

Hello evansmummy, i wanted to say that i am so so sorry for your loss. I lost my brother also at 18, he was 24. He took his own life however which left me with lots of anger, at hm at first, then at god. That was 6 years ago now, and that anger has faded along with much of the grief, i will always hurt that he is not here where he should be, but i can remember him now and smile, think of all the good things he brought to peoples lives (he was a care assistant and the nursing home he worked in opened a sun lounge in his memory).

Counselling is a really really good idea, just to get those feelings out, work your way through them.

I hope as time passes life will begin to ease for you and when it oes, that you dont feel guilty, i know i did when i first began to feel better, your brother would want you to be happy xxx

evansmummy - don't look ahead, look right in front of you. Do whatever you need to do to get through the moments. It takes lots of time, lots of crying, lots of talking before you can start to look back with anything like perspective.

It is so hard - I hope you are being kind to yourself in whatever way works.

I cherish all the birthday cards, letters, photos and objects that link me to my cousin. But it is still very hard to come across things I haven't seen for years. I recently helped my parents pack up their house and found lots more letters etc.

It is good that you know that he felt loved by you. In the future that will be a big comfort.

People being kind IRL made me feel so close to losing it that I put on a mask for a long time. Didn't know about MN in those days either. No need for masks here. Let it out when you want to.

I haven't really talked about it yet with anyone. Not that we don't want to, just that we haven't. Only to say how much we're hurting, or how unfair it is. I'm thankful that we can cry with each other (my aprents and other brother) though.

Just had a friend bring me dinner for tonight. What you just said NSRR is so true. I felt myself close to tears with her but held it all in. Now i'm in floods.

I think I am being kind to myself. Don't really know. Not back at work yet so it's easier to do whatever feels right at any given moment. Am reading going back on Monday. Just don't want to be with people. Plus I work in a church and I have a lot of mistrust and anger toward God at the moment. And I know that all my colleagues and church friends prayed for my brother the week he was in hospital - those prayers went unheard.

We didn't talk about her at first. Just too too painful. Now we talk about her when the whole family is together and it is amazing and wonderful that we spend much of that time laughing (impossible in those early days and months). My sister and I often share our memories of her - she was gorgeous.

Holding your pain close is how you protect yourself and others from the intensity of your feelings. It is normal.

Do you have to go to work on Monday? Is there anyone at the church that you could be open with about your feelings? Very hard to go in when you are so angry and hurt.

So sorry you are going through this.

oh love I'm so, so sorry, xxx

oh God, not sure I should put this up yet - please don't think the prayers went unheard, because in the end your brother may not have had any quality of life if he had not died. When my mum died last year, I was so angry at first that she hadn't given herself a chance to be treated by going to the docs when she first felt ill but this was overtaken by a realisation that she managed to have the best life she could up until the point she went into hospital - no surgery, no chemo, just getting on with things. She was only in for 4 weeks and we only knew she was going to die for the last 8 days - very hard to come to terms with so fast, especially when pregnant and knowing that she would never see my beautiful baby boy. Knowing that in the end, the best thing for her had happened, helped me.

Of course, the real sadness for you is that the accident happened in the first place, and you might blame God for letting that happen.

If you have to go to work on Monday perhaps you could just have a word with your boss or whoever and ask them to tell everyone else that you just want to get on with things and not have people being sympathetic or asking you how you are all the time - that might help.

Thinking of you

I've added some photos to my profile. Please feel free. I am so proud of him.

Thankyou for sharing your photos. Your brother is gorgeous! So sorry for your loss, just too tragic for words.

evansmummy ,thankyou for putting some picture of your brother on here,he was a very handsome young man indeed.I have lots of photos around of my sister and i always heve flowers or a single flower by the biggest one.I know you are finding it very difficult at the moment ,but it is very early days for you .Your emotions wil be all over the place and they will range from anger,to the grief you are feeling and everything in between,Its a normal reaction and i expect a lot of us have felt the same.You will think maybe some strange thoughts as i did when my sis died ,i was worried she would be cold in the cemetery,then on a sunny day i would be upset because she couldnt see the lovely day,all sorts of odd thoughts,but gradually things returned to a more normal train of thought and even though life is never going to be the same again ,it does get better,i promise you that.The funeral is now over and the healing process will gradually begin for you.x

i have just loked at your photos and they are so baeutiful!
epecially the one about the mucsle vests!
my older brother died 15 years ago now. you do get used to then not being there but even after all this time it feels like he is on a long holiday and he will pop his head around the door and say 'im back'
he too died in an accident (fire not car) but was taken from us so suddenly, not expected at all.
i hope you start to feel better soon.
i heard this once 'remember the dead but dont forget the living'
easier said than done at the moment, but it does get better

evansmummy, what a beautiful man your brother was. Such a lovely face, so smiley and sincere looking.

My brother was called John and also physically fit and so handsome.

It is such early days for you, give yourself time, dont be hard on yourself, keep your expectations low, and keep talking.

x

oh your brother is beautiful - such lovely eyes ! and the bit about the letters in the Winnie the Pooh tin - he kept them and he knows you loved him

Just looked at your photos. He looks like someone who enjoyed life to the full.

Hope you are OK this morning.

I couldn't pass this by without saying how terribly, terribly sorry I am for your loss.

take care x

Went to the shops this morning and battled the ruge to buy a bottle of wine and sit in a park somewhere. Then at 11 battled the urge to go to the pub. Now at home and dh has finally gone to work so having a glass of wine. It's all I've wanted to do for the last two hours.

Just wanna take the edge off it...

Oh evansmummy I'm so sorry.

sorry too evansmummy that you are feeling so sad - not being preachy but wine will only muffle to feelings and they'll still be there after the effects wear off, perhaps more so. Best thing is to try to bear it - it hurts like hell but I believe it's better than making it all fuzzy, if that makes any sense. I find drinking just increases any anxiety tthat is already there.

evansmummy, i know the booze takes the edge off but the anti depressants will not work properly all the time you are drinking, completely understand though.

Did you say you were sorting some counselling ?

GP gave me number for CRUSE today. Will phone for an appt. He also recommended Prozac rather than drinking. I'm scared of it though.

Been thinking about the accident. I have a nasty feeling that the driver is gonna get away with this. There are no independent witnesses. He says he wasn't speeding, that my brother crossed the road then ran back out into the raod and that's when he hit him. That's just too weird, plus I don't believe a word from a man that knocked someone down then drove off. He had over two hours to make up anything he wanted. Plus, apparently my brother had been drinking (he left an incomprehensible message on a friends voicemail about 20 mins before the accident), so that would go agianst him, iyswim. Toxicology not back for another few weeks. I will be gutted if he gets away with points and a fine.

Bad day, really bad day

evansmummy, RING CRUSE, do not delay.

Have only just come from another thread talking about Prozac. The GP is right.

Why did his family hand him in ? Did he stop ?