My little brother died 2 weeks ago today

[evansmummy]

I say little, he was 24. He died 5 days after a hit and run accident in the city where he lived. He graduated from uni last year and was still living and working there. He was due to move back home in three weeks time.

He spent 5 days in Neuro ICU battling a serious brain injury but it was too much for him in the end. My parents, other brother (27, I am eldest) and I were with him when he died.

He was the most beautiful, sensitive, kind, energetic and passionate boy. He went for what he wanted and believed in everything he did. I am so angry that he has been taken from us when his life was just getting started. He had everything going for him, and an amazing future ahead of him.

I am getting drunk every night, smoking 5 times more tha normal, and have this huge resentment toward God and the person who hit him. The injustice of it just makes me want to scream out loud. I feel sick to the stomach with grief, and anger, and loss. I wish he could come back. I love him so very much.

The funeral is not until Monday, then we have 10 months before a court case (the driver was handed in by his family members) and an inquest. I can't believe this has happened to us.

Hope you dont mind me using that Mars - it touched my soul.

V - you are a good woman. Thanks for being a great friend.

And to you too my Mighty Shabs.

Evans, the funeral is a peculiar time, if there are going to be as many people as you think there will be at the funeral, prepare yourself for more.

For my brother In a crematorium that seats 200 people, the seats were filled, people were stood all around and outside in the waiting area.

Looking back now, there is something bizzarely comforting about it, at the time I thought it was just so bloody sad that ALL of these people were gonna miss him.

I could go on and on (and normally I do) but you need to be taking tiny weeny incey titchy steps right now.

Like I said keep posting.

x

So sorry about your lovely brother. I lost my sister after a asudden asthma attack - she was 5 days in a coma also and on all the machines etc. We donated her organs to three people - 2 kidneys and liver. The recipients are all still alive 11 years on.

I totally get where you are coming from wrt the drinking and smoking and anger with god. it's all part of the grief and shock. Big big hugs your way.

One day you'll wake up and realise that you didn't think about him the day before at all and the guilt will knock your socks off - but after that day things get easier.

After a few years in the wilderness - bursting into tears everywhere and overeating (to stuff emotions down) I gave up overeating, drinking, started to look after myself and meditate and I'm a Buddhist now, and it helps me with all kinds of things. That maybe the path you wish to follow also.

Big hugs to you, you are not alone. How blessed you were to know and love your brother.

Morning Evansmummy,

Just popping in to see you and give you a hug for today.

I am so sorry evansmummy
My thoughts are with everyone posting on this thread.

I am very sorry...Big hug....Thinking of you and your family.

So sorry to read your news, evansmummy This thread has made me cry.

How are you feeling this morning?

evansmummy - how terribly sad for all of you. I can well understand your anger and despair.

shabster - you amaze me. I know you probably don't always feel strong but you come across on here as someone with incredible strength and compassion. My Matthew is almost 7 and is growing into the nickname of Matt.

Like others I too have been in tears at this thread. There seems to be so much sadness around at the moment.

Evansmummy - I had to post when I saw you had lost your brother in a car accident. I lost my mum in a RTA 7 months ago. I know exactly how you are feeling. I know especially about the feelings of anger and injustice. We have just got a court date for September for the other driver. We have still not had an inquest.

There are a whole load of other emotions to deal with than in a "natural" death. There is the knowledge it is someone's fault and could have been avoided and that makes it even harder.

I can't really add to what others have said, all I can say is you WILL come through it but don't expect anything of yourself too soon. Literally just focus on getting through each day. As Bree said, it gets harder and harder then you suddenly have a day when it feels a little better. It has taken me at least 6 months to get to that stage, but you will get there. I had days when I really thought I would never feel happy again and that was just horrendous.

There was so much I wanted to say to my mum so I bought a notebook and wrote a lot of it down, as if writing letters to her. It helped a bit.

I am so so sorry for your loss. I know that feeling of "I can't believe this has happened to our family" - it seems so unbelievable.

So sorry lots of hugs

What a gut wrenching thread to read - Evansmummy I am SO sorry for your loss - poignant to me as my sister was knocked over 3 years ago and seriously injured but thankfully survived. The feelings I got when I was told of her accident and thought she was dead scared the life out of me - I was sick, I ran away from the person who was telling me, I went into shock, I kept thinking to myself I cannot do this, I cant deal with this and really honestly felt the worst x 100000000000000000 that I have ever felt. THANKFULLY for me, I got the relief at the end that she was alive, Im so sorry that you havent.

I can only imagine that you need to take it one step at a time, one hour at a time.

Do you have any support in looking after litte one whilst you try and look after yourself?

I wouldnt worry about the smoking etc just yet - whatever helps.

I'll be thinking of you.

So sorry about your brother - don't know what to say xxx

What a terrible, terrible thing. I'm so sorry for you and your family.

Whatshesaid, you are so right that it seems to make it harder because it could have been avoided. My brother was so unlucky - he broke his jaw falling off a fire escape two years ago and last year he was attacked and beaten with a huge bar. And now this. I keep wishing we'd have made him come home after the attack - this would never have happened then.

We have the opportunity to go and see him in the chapel of rest today. I realy don't know if I want to go. I'm having enough trouble with the images of him in hospital and then 20 minutes after he died when he was pale and cold. I don't want to make it worse by going today. But then I'm worried that if I don't go I will regret it. The idea of seeing him dead again really frightens me. I don't know what to do.

Much sympathy.
Really sorry to hear what's happened.

It just makes life seem so random doesn't it - that something like this can just happen out of the blue. I went through a stage of thinking "If only she'd left the house 5 minutes later", which doesn't really help but is unavoidable.

I have never felt so angry as I have in these last few months. One book I read suggested physical activities like running, swimming etc to try to get rid of some of the excess emotion. I tmay help tire you out - I found I got pretty bad insomnia in the months afterwards.

I don't know what to say about going to the chapel of rest to view his body. I think in the long term it may help but you should go with your instinct. And you have already seem him and had a chance to say goodbye, so if you really don't want to, just don't.

evansmummy - I lost my "baby" brother very suddenly too. There isn't really much that I can say. It is such early days for you, I can remember what a living hell it was. Please be kind to yourself and let yourself feel the anger and loss.
I only have two (small) practical suggestions. One is that in the chapel of rest, your brother might look more "like himself" if you see what I mean. The people there often do a really good job of making the person look nice, which can be more reassuring than seeing them in a hospital bed. It's a very personal thing though, and obviously if you don't want to you, then that's the right thing to do.
The other thing is that I put a lot of faith in the legal system and thought that an inquest would give me "closure". I was wrong, and to be honest, I think that I have completely given up on the whole idea of closure, I just don't think that it will ever happen. It's been several years now, since he died and I am definitely doing so much better than I was in the first few. I am now living (for the most part) with the loss and the grief, rather than it dominating me. It has taken longer than I expected, but I think that I'm doing pretty well now (although obviously I still miss him).
Anyway, I've rambled on enough. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please don't apologise for rambling! It's important, nd helpful in a way, to share experiences. At least reassures me that what I'm feeling is normal in tis kind of situation.

I really do feel that it is dominating me at the moment. I think of nothing else. Can't bear to be with my ds by myslef - just don't have the patience. And poor dh is suffereing too. I just mope and cry and seethe (sp?) with anger.

We did say goodbye when he was dying, I had my hand on his chest and felt his heart stop beating. Maybe that's enough.

I am heart broken. Don't feel I will ever get over this

evansmummy even if it seems frightening or strange to do now, I think if you do go and seem him in the chapel of rest, you'll be very glad you took that last chance to say goodbye. It will help make it more "final" in your mind (even if that's the last thing you want at the moment), which is an important part of your grieving.

Is there any chance that you can get some bereavement counselling? I had two lots - one just after he died, when everything was so raw, and then another, a couple of years later, when I felt that I was stuck and going round and round in circles (fixated on the same stuff over and over again).
I didn't have DD at the time of the death, so I had more time for myself, which I think probably helped. It sounds as though some space to really let it all out might help you too.
No wonder you are heartbroken.

evansmummy, i just want to reassure you,that although for you it is very early days you will have better days ahead.I expect it seems that life is over for you ,i know when my sis died i wanted to die with her for a while.But that feeling soon passed.As i said in a previous post,life still can be good but for now just concentrate on one day at a time,then one day you will smile at something and then you will see that yes there are still things that will make you smile.I cannot remember my sis funeral very well because i had to have medication to get through it,maybe your doctor can help you in this way.

zazen my sis died in the exact same way as yours.

evansmummy - I am really, really sorry for your loss. I cannot even begin to comprehend what it is like. If I ever lost my brother, I don't know what I would do.

For all those others who have posted on this thread and for the ones that haven't but have also lost - you are all very brave people.

Some lovely replies on this thread.

Evansmummy. If you can muster up the strength, do go and see him in the chapel of rest. I lost my sister four years ago, and the image I have of her in the chapel of rest is one of peace, where she was no longer in pain or suffering and looked 'herself' again IYKWIM.
You WILL get through this. Drinking, smoking and the suchlike are normal reactions, I think. I did both after my sister went as well.
Be strong, and rest assured in the knowledge that nothing will ever be this hard again.