For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

Sending love to you both @BoyMumOfOne82 @itsquietinside
I’m a bit further down this hard line..15months since I lost my mum. It’s still such early days for you both. I remember thinking I just want to talk to my mum about how terrible this is and asking her if I was doing things the way she would have wanted. She would be the person I’d talk to about things and not being able to talk it through with her was incredibly hard.
I have had some counselling, it did help a bit. I think I was holding back some things from those close to me as I was worried about making them sad but you can talk freely with a counsellor.
It does feel more manageable as time goes on. I agree with those that say you don’t get over it but you find a way to live with the loss. You’re right @itsquietinside we have lost our mum’s so feeling whatever you’re feeling is completely understandable.
Just sending love and hoping for some peace and comfort for you xx

Thank you both @itsquietinside and @dmango . It helps just knowing that how I feel is 'normal' for such a big loss.

I was lucky that we had time to make some incredible memories, but I never asked about future advice as it just made my mum so upset and that's not what I wanted to do. It's exactly what you said @dmango - whether I'm doing things they way she would have wanted. I feel like I want to prove to her that I'm so heartbroken, which in itself seems mad, as I know deep down that she knew I would be before she died. It's so hard to go through the loss of your mum, and my mum died far too young. I've got a new perspective on life and I miss her so much!

@BoyMumOfOne82 It’s just so hard. I’m a bit older than you and I often ask myself how I’d want my children to be when I’m gone. I wouldn’t want them to ‘prove they’re heartbroken’ I would know they are. I’ve felt things like that too and had loads of ‘mad’ thoughts like you say but in my heart I know my mum would want me to be ok and as she said to my daughter carry on and live, just carry me in your heart.
You did lose your mum too soon and that’s not fair and such a massive loss to cope with so be kind to yourself and feel and do whatever you need.
this is such a lovely thread and everyone understands and you’ll get lots of support here.
xx

@BoyMumOfOne82 a friend said to me early on in my loss “why on earth would you feel normal? You’ve lost your mum!” When I’m really struggling and questioning why I can’t cope, I hear her saying that to me! she was right. I lost my mum in her early 60s out of nowhere and there’s shock and trauma I think from that too. You say your mum was young, so that may be making things particularly difficult! I know I dwell a lot on the (hopefully!) many years ahead of me without her.

Fathers Day tomorrow. Anyone else struggling?
My dad always thought it was commercial and he really wasn't fussed about it. But, I acknowledged it anyway, and sent him something and sent him a message. So, it feels very weird (the first one, another first) and I'm struggling with all the Fathers Day reminders (promo emails etc) I'll be glad when tomorrow is over. Love to all others dreading tomorrow x

I didn’t think I would struggle with Father’s Day, but it would have been Dad’s birthday tomorrow too and he died last year 2 days after his birthday, so it all feels a bit too much, all at once, if that makes sense?
I don’t even have anywhere to ‘go’ either, because the rest of the family wanted to scatter his ashes in the sea, which I wasn’t keen on (a memorial tree would have been my preferred remembrance). Again, I didn’t think I would be as bothered as I am, but it is what it is and I will do something to please my own memories of him.
I did see a lovely bench at a local landmark this morning. It was metal and on the slats were written things like ‘Grandad’ and ‘Favourite Saying’ with quotes and memories running along the seat. I probably haven’t described it very well, but I found it really touching. I don’t remember seeing it before and it was comforting to be reminded that I’m not alone in these Firsts or feelings. Asis coming across this thread when I needed it, so thank you

@MaterMoribund oh gosh, that's three firsts in the course of 3 days for you. I'm so sorry. That's really hard 😔
Re memorial - yes, hopefully you can do your own thing. Maybe a walk in one of his favourite places? Maybe a house plant in his memory? You could still have the memorial tree you wanted too. I'm sure you'll think of the right thing for you x
It was my dad's birthday last month, and I went to a restaurant he used to like when he was younger, and had lunch there. It was emotional, but felt like the right thing to do.
My dad died last late autumn, so I've got a while to go to face that painful anniversary. But, I've been thinking already about what to do to honour his memory that day.
Whatever you decide to do tomorrow and in three days time, or the next few days generally, I hope you find peace. Take care 💐

Sending hugs to everyone struggling with father's day and having a difficult time at the moment. DH's Dad died from COVID in 2020 and it would have been his birthday tomorrow. And I've had to go to Manchester this weekend because of work and I feel bad not being at home with him. Hopefully our 2 DS's will keep him busy!

Thank you @WoodlandLove . It was always tricky to get separate birthday and FD cards and presents, not that he ever expected both when it landed on the same day or wanted a fuss! It was weird not to have to think about getting them this year. I will find something meaningful to remember him by, I’m sure.

Sending love to everyone missing their dads today x

Thinking of everyone without their Dad today 💔

I'm extra grateful for this thread today ❤️
Love to all also struggling and desperately missing our dads today 😔💐

It’s been 20 weeks today that my mum died. I try to go through my day as normally as I can but the evenings are hard . I wanted to speak to her so desperately earlier . Probate is taking forever and having to go to mum’s house to water her plants is totally heartbreaking. I don’t think I will ever get over losing such a beautiful person 😢

@Marvellousmeadows I'm so sorry. I miss picking up the phone to my mum so much too. We are putting my Mum's house on the market and everything is SO SLOW. Was away for a short break this week and wanted to tell mum about it. It was the Countdown quiz final yesterday and mum would have been avidly watching.xx

I just find it all so weird, all her things are still there but she’s not . Her adored elderly Jack Russell died whilst I was looking after her , mum was in hospital. The reserved for the dog cushion in mum’s house breaks me every time .

I’m not really sure if I’m in the right forum so i apologise in advance of any misunderstanding of what I’m going through.

ill try and keep it really brief im just looking to speak to people who like myself have lost, loved and lost, basically good people who bad things have happened to but who struggle with day to day life.

my first my big loss was at 11 i lost my dad, the next year mum lost her mum, i became her emotional support system while she put herself back together and went back to work to keep a roof over our head. She moved her father in with me and I looked after him between school and what little social life I had until he passed away when I was around 20 that hit me hard as he was a very special grandad and almost like my second dad.

fast forward a couple of years I meet my wife, we marry after 7 years together and are married for 10. Last year mum was given her death sentence cancer of pancreatic cancer, my wife and I weren’t getting on particularly well but I loved her dearly and would never have abandoned my family so obviously due to these losses, shocks I struggled a lot with my mental health and my wife doesn’t believe in it, never lost anyone close to her, a little younger than me. So she announces midway through mums cancer battle she wants a divorce so I’m running my own business, caring for mum, providing for my family as I always had done until I was basically told you’re surplus to requirements now go live with your dying mum.

which I did, she died on the 4th dec 2025 and was buried 22nd December. By this time was I not only struggling massively on my own to eat, sleep, go to work, try and be present for my two children who are getting older as the weeks roll by.

i have met someone else but perhaps it’s too early to really judge where it will lead as I have such a preoccupation with doom/gloom/death

i live alone with my little dog and things haven’t been easy co-parenting. Initially i struggled with the loss of my wife, and how cold she turned on me when i needed her the most. I didn’t think she was as cruel or as cut throat but here we are and one day i know she’ll regret it, well maybe. It’s only now I truly wish her peace and mean it.

with all of the grief and stress my relationship with the kids kinds of fell apart and she didn’t do anything to help me, she just said “get on with it” which is extremely unhelpful when you’ve not had the life I’ve had. I’m not looking for pity or sympathy. I just want to connect with others who have been dealt an equally or more/less bad hand in life.

i have a lot to be grateful for but the overwhelming loneliness and anxiety and grief is just killing me. I can’t eat, sleep, nobody seems to understand.

the relationship between my soon to be ex wife is non existent and she has raised false allegations against me as our children are out of control with their devices but it’s easy to blame absent dad right. She has kicked me when I’m down in the worst way and all I want is the best for everyone. I haven’t seen my children for 2 months. She’s not happy I’ve moved on, she’s not happy with how she parents the kids and now it’s backfiring with them accessing inappropriate material online etc and I feel like she’s making me a scapegoat despite never being allowed to parent.

i went to work and provided and she took my kids away. It breaks my heart. I love my children so much and I want to break the trauma cycle so badly from my own childhood that they are literally 100% the only reason im
still here. I refuse to leave them behind as I know how horrible it was for me growing up dealing with losing my dad. Especially my youngest my sons 10 this year and I really just want them back in my life but she’s making it difficult and she did threaten to ruin my life and I dismissed it as I thought “how can my life get worse” well it did get worse and I will say she’s a great mother in terms of looking after them in a lot of ways but devices, teenager and one almost a teenager I’m not happy about device usage but I have no control over this.

for example my daughter is 14 and she lets her stay up all night in the half terms and sleep all day, my daughter will literally snatch the phone from your hand if you approach her which worries me, and my son is watching age inappropriate material online. It looks innocent cartoon wise but it’s not right.

anyway if you read this far, I thank you so much as this my life, and it was starting to get better but every time I move up something knocks me down. I’m not even 40 yet and feel like I’ve lived 3/4 lifes in one. Life feels unfair.

somebody please help or point me in a direction to which I can get some help and relief from this constant anxiety, stress, mental pain and grief. I’ve never felt so alone in the world.

again, thank you. J

I’m so sorry you’re in this situation too. I genuinely understand the pain the sense
of loss that can’t ever filled or fixed. The cliche time is a great healer is something I’ve clung to but I was very young when I lost my father and as we know mums are different/special. I don’t know how old you are, if your male or female, or your personal situation, but try and look after yourself “easy for me to say right” i genuinely believe holding on to the laughs you shared and the memories you have may seem sad, daunting or even so painful you avoid them completely. I hope you have a support system around you. What I will say is there are no shortcuts in this, the journey is individual and it’s okay to take your time and grieve in your own way. To put it bluntly it’s shit, it’s horrible and bloody hard. My private messages are always open to genuine, kind people. We are stronger together and just knowing someone else is dealing with similar does bring comfort to some. Again I’m so sorry for your loss, and I’m sending you lots of prayers, and light.

@Jamestruggling that’s a kind message thank you ! Sorry you are struggling too.