For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

I'm so sorry - that's awful. To have no warning and at such a young age. As a previous poster said with any grief it is one day at a time. Sending love💐xx

I'm going to a family event and it's hard knowing my mum won't be there with us.

Sending strength to you all.

I am not deeply religious but this picture that my cousin sent me when my dad died really helped me. I need to start looking at it again as I am grieving my mum so badly .

Sorry here it is .

I just wondered if anyone else who specifically has lost their dad is struggling with some of the David Attenborough at 100 stuff? I love David Attenborough, but it's my own dad's birthday in a few days and the first one without him. He was much younger than 100. Also, my dad loved David Attenborough and nature & wildlife; so there are many aspects of it that are hard for me. Unexpected things can trigger me.

@WoodlandLove sorry you are struggling at the moment. I found my mum's birthday really difficult. I wanted to celebrate it, as I have done all my life but the person I wanted to celebrate it with was no longer here. And you fill that void even more deeply. The fact that David Attenborough is celebrating his birthday and your Dad was a fan and loved wildlife too, I can understand why you are finding it difficult. Take care of yourself and celebrate your Dad's birthday in whatever way you want (or how you think he would have wanted) ❤️

@WoodlandLove Yes, me too. I also love David Attenborough but it's hard, I have to admit. His children are in their 70s, like my dad was... I would have just loved my dad to reach 80 later this year. But then I tell myself that many people die much younger than 79. I suppose whatever age, it often doesn't feel long enough.

Fully get this @WoodlandLove- we lost dad less than a month after he turned 64. Will be thinking of you over the next few days xx

Thank you all. Sorry for my delayed response. I'm away, and didn't bring a charger with me 🤦‍♀️ so minimising phone use. I'll respond properly tomorrow evening x

Yes @WoodlandLove- it really irritated me. My dad was 78. Not old enough but not young enough to legitimately feel short changed. Not many make it to 100 in such good health (physical and mental). I remind myself he is an anomaly. Even the fact they took a gamble on planning the celebrations and disaster didn’t strike - all while disaster struck me and my family - ach yes. It’s hard to explain, but yes.

Thank all for your replies. Sorry, I meant to reply properly last night, but was shattered.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts too. Always helpful if people empathise.
I think everyone is triggered by different things, and often unexpected things.
It's my dad's birthday tomorrow, so I'm preparing myself for a day where lots of things could set me off. He actually wasn't fussed about his birthday; but not ringing/messaging him to wish him happy birthday, and not having the ritual of wrapping or sending a present to him feels very strange. I guess everyone on this thread has either been there or will be there. All the firsts are so hard aren't they...
I'm so grateful for this thread. Take care x

Hi all, I’m so sorry you are here too. I’m really struggling after losing my lovely mum after a shock stage 4 cancer diagnosis and then passing away only a week later. She wasn’t really unwell , before she went to a&e she was out with her friends and was still working. She was in hospital throughout that week and reported to be doing well. The consultant was discussing treatment and retuning home with her so I don’t think it was expected so soon. It happened a month ago and we just had the funeral. I’ve gone back to work but am really struggling. I feel so low and have no interest in anything. I keep replaying that final week and days and all the things that she said to us. She was only 60 and had so much life left to live. My young children seem to have taken it ok and are doing well thankfully. I don’t know how to be normal anymore and just feel irritated or tearful. I also feel I wake up every day and wonder what awful thing will happen today to change everything. I wasn’t dealing with the cancer diagnosis very well but managed to keep it together on my daily hospital visits, before breaking down afterwards. I just can’t believe that it’s happened and I feel heartbroken.

Hello @itsquietinside I just wanted to say I’m so sorry that sounds so hard. Just sending love really.
I my mum last year and I’ve had some bereavement counselling and they told me that anxiety on waking up is very normal as your life has been turned upside down so expecting the worst is a usual response.

My only advice really is to be very gentle and kind to yourself and do whatever you need to make life manageable as this is so tough. The unexpectedness of losing your mum is even harder and she was really young too.
Maybe seeking out some bereavement counselling for yourself too, I found it helpful just to be able to share how I felt with someone who I wasn’t worried about upsetting etc was useful.
Just sending love and take care of yourself x

Thank you for your kind words @dmango. I have signed up for bereavement counselling, although there is a 12 week waiting list.
it’s strangely been harder since the funeral. I think I was maybe in shock before. Now I’m back to work and the kind wishes and flowers have stopped, and everything is supposed to be normal but it isn’t! I was in sort of a suspended state between her going and the funeral. I don’t know. I just almost forget for a moment then it hits me again and I can’t breathe. I work as a community nurse and my visits are just draining me, when I used to love my job and visits. all I want to do is sit in a dark room and think, but I know that’s not helping me.
I also went to the chapel of rest just before and strongly feel that was a mistake as she didn’t look like her. I don’t think that’s helped me either.
I just feel so low, and I am really trying to not be! I can keep a happy appearance around my children, but when they are at school or in bed I’m just done.

Yes often there’s quite long waiting lists I think mine was about 3 months.. its hard but also sort of give you a bit of time so you may have a bit more idea how you feel and what you might need etc.
That bit after the funeral so the absolute worst as I think you’re definitely numb up until the funeral and I also feel like you’re doing something for your loved one so planning the send off makes you feel close to them.
My mum wanted her ashes laid in the rose garden at the cemetery and although I very much don’t think she’s there and I was a bit like that’s not going to help. Actually going to put flowers there and just sitting quietly does bring me some sort of comfort.
I’m a bit like you too, in that I’m a teacher so its a similar job in terms of how much you need to give of yourself. I did find it helpful to be at work but it’s was also hard. I think my Head teacher was good in that she’d say just say if it’s too much and you can step away, I didn’t have to but knowing that support was there helped. Is there anyone that can help you at work a bit or just understands?
I also recognise the feeling of remembering and it taking your breath away. That’s level of panic was one of the things I worked on during counselling.
It’s hard being with little ones too, I’m nearer your mum’s age so I only have a grandson but I would use your time when they’re busy to do whatever you need. Sometimes I just stayed in bed watching rubbish tv, just do whatever you need.
I’m sorry that you didn’t find comfort from seeing your mum in the chapel. I actually didn’t go to see mine and wondered if I should have as my children said she looked peaceful and just like she was sleeping but I’m not sure if they were trying to make me feel better. Hopefully you can remember your lovely mum how you always knew her rather than that last time. I definitely remember my mum more as herself now than I did in the early days when the horrible last day was at the front of my mind.
I’m so sorry it’s so hard but just be kind to yourself and nothing you feel is wrong so just sort of give yourself permission to feel whatever you feel. X

Work have been really great and supportive. Honestly I don’t think they thought I would be back after the funeral, I was so distraught on the two calls I had with my manager while I was off and have broken down a couple of times on her since I came back. I’m on a phased return but even that is just draining. It’s odd in that I desperately want to be back to the old me, and be able to function normally but also seem to be holding on to feeling like this.
We don’t know what to do with the ashes yet so they’re just in the house. She was so desperate to get home when she was in hospital, and we weren’t able too.
sometimes I just look at older people and think why did you get 20/30 or sometimes 40 years more than my mum? It’s my whole lifetime! I know it doesn’t work like that but those horrible feelings creep in now and again. My job doesn’t help because I feel a lot of guilt that I didn’t pick up that anything was wrong! Although there wasn’t much to pick up on, I know in my head.
its just all bloody awful.

@itsquietinside I feel like this too. My dad passed away suddenly 5 weeks ago of a heart attack. He was with me one day, less than 24 hours later he was gone and only 57. He had no health problems, there were no signs.
I can't even bring myself to go to the shop - I have those feelings of unfairness and also wonder how on earth everyone is carrying on when my life feels like it has fallen apart. I also wish that I could go back to my life 'before' where all the problems I thought I had pale into insignificance compared to this, you're not alone in your feelings.
I'm not doing great and I'm not back at work so I think you're doing great. Don't be so hard on yourself and take it one day at a time x

@Everglowim so sorry that you are going through this too. It’s such a shock when it’s so sudden and out of nowhere, and then on top of that there is the massive whole in our lives. How do we even start to fill it?
I’m not entirely sure I should be back at work, even on my much reduced duties. I’ve had a couple of “ better”days when I first went back, but for the most part it’s getting harder every day to act normally when nothing is normal. I wasn’t expecting this, I thought it would take some time but that it would get easier being back as the days went on. It’s taking so much out of me, so I would say don’t rush back before you’re ready. I feel now now I’m back I can’t go off again. I’m just taking it day by day really. I have enjoyed seeing my lovely colleagues again, so that’s been a positive. All I really want to do is lay in my bed. I’ve lost weight because I’m not eating enough, but I’ve just got no interest.
This is just so hard, and is only getting harder!
I do think this response means we’ve been lucky enough to have parents who had such an impact on us that we miss them this much. It’s just so unfair we couldn’t have longer with them. It really upset me when it was David Attenborough’s 100th birthday the other day! I just sobbed! Why did he get an extra 40 years to my lovely mum! Although the normal me wishes no ill feeling on the poor man for reaching such a good age! I think it’s just too much for the brain to handle and process, which is why normal functioning and thoughts are suspended.
wishing you lots of peace x

@itsquietinside I agree, I was very close to my Dad and I will never be able to fill the hole. I guess at some point, from what I've been told, we just learn to cope with it better but forever feels like such a long time. I just really want to speak to him again 😢
I also feel its getting harder - every day is another day longer that I haven't seen him and I am terrified that I'll forget his voice, the way he walked, his mannerisms. I don't have many pictures or videos, I just didnt see this coming in a million years. Obviously I knew at some point he wouldnt be here, but not now when he should have had so much more time. I feel cheated and I feel like he has been cheated, as I'm sure you do.
I know you feel like you can't go off again, I feel the same as in once you're back you're back, but you absolutely can. I understand our life has to to go on and we have responsibilities and bills to pay, but my dad worked and worked his whole life and now I think what for? He won't see his pension he worked so hard for, he won't see any state pension. I'm sure his colleagues will think its sad for a bit but ultimately he will be replaced. If you're able to, you need to take care of you and allow yourself to process and grieve, the shock alone takes time to get over.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, it truly is awful and I hope you have lots of support to get you through💕

I hope you don't mind if I join the thread, I could use some second opinions from people who may understand.

My father died at the beginning of March this year. He was 88 and though he hasn't been in great health, the speed of his decline and the circumstances of his death were really harrowing for my family.

Since then my mum is doing really well and I am proud of her. They were married for 67 years, so she has a huge adjustment to make, and she isn't in the best of health herself.

One thing I am struggling with though, and I feel awful for feeling this way, is that in some ways I feel mum’s grief is so huge that there is no room for mine, I wish the two of us could talk about how I'm feeling – but we only really talk about how she is doing, and while I don’t want to burden her when she is struggling, I feel like I need to talk to her about my grief.

She never asks how I am coping. She is very grateful for all the practical things I’m doing, and how often I am going down to see her, but there doesn’t seem to be a way for me to receive emotional support from her.

I just don’t know if it’s appropriate to bring up my feelings, because his death has affected her in so many more ways than it has affected me, and I still have my partner, where she is alone. But at the same time, I don’t want to be silently resentful.

I have noticed that nobody is asking me how I am coping now – lots of people ask how mum is doing, which is kind of them, but it’s like I should be completely fine and back to normal now – with my only focus being on supporting my mum. I feel like a selfish brat – but I want to say what about me? I’m grieving too!

Does this resonate with anyone? Or do I just need to give my head a wobble and get on with it...

@LurkerTurnedPoster I'll be totally honest, I felt exactly the same when my mum died last year, the exact same feelings...the "but what about me" and then the guilt.

My mum and dad also had a long marriage and everyone's first words to me, friends, neighbours, were how's your dad getting on, I've been thinking of him, how awful for him.

And don't get me wrong, it was and is so incredibly awful for him, and I don't want to detract from that in any way at all.

But really, no one seemed to do more than a brief acknowledgement of my own loss, this huge seismic event in my life too... I'd actually lost my mum, who I was so close to, which to me was utterly incomprehensible, and still is.

I had no chance to start to process anything as it was straight into the practicalities of supporting my dad, sorting all the arrangements and so on but I just felt like raging to the world... and if I'm honest, I still do.

I'm so sorry you've also had to deal with these feelings on top of losing your dad too. It doesn't take anything away from how much you obviously love and care for your mum and please try to be kind to yourself here, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this.

Grief is just so complicated.

@LetMeJustCheckMyCitrusPocket Thank you so much for your response, I'm so sorry to hear about your mum and I hope you are doing OK. Whilst I wouldn't wish this on anyone it is a relief to know that someone else has felt this way, you start to think it's just you which makes you feel even more guilty.

I think it's also hard because up to this point in my life, if ever I'd been struggling emotionally my mum would have been the person I would talk to, but our relationship has kind of reversed and now I'm looking after her, so in a way I feel like I've lost her as well as my dad.

As you say, grief is complicated. Obviously I knew that I would lose my dad one day, and I dreaded how much I would miss him, but I didn't expect these feelings to be so tangled up with confusion and anger and resentment.