For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

Really empathising with everyone on here. Am in the "it's just shit" mood today. Missing both Mum and Dad (who died this and last year, 5 months apart). Dad's funeral was 2 weeks ago and I'm feeling guilty when I grieve Mum more. I suppose it's because the grief for her was suspended? We had a great Christmas with Dad which I am so greatful for, then the New Year hit me like a tonne of bricks in terms of missing her. Then Dad went mid January. Go between realising it's real and still the odd flash of denial because how can it be?

@Alittlebitofthebauble that must be awful, losing then both so close together, No wonder you are reeling and up and down. It’s completely understandable. 🙁

Has anyone had counselling?

Cruse emailed me back to say my local branch aren't accepting new referrals just now, with links to other companies.

I don't know whether to call the Cruse helpline and see if that helps.

Hi @PurpleKittyKnitting I had 6 sessions in September from Sue Ryder. I lost my mum last March. It did help me feel a bit calmer. I think I had been frantically trying to find a way to feel better or still connect to my mum. I feel like I could probably do with some more as I’ve struggled since Christmas with all of the ‘this time last year.’ But I think it’s worth doing try signing up for Sue Ryder, I think I waited a couple of months. I hope you find some counselling and it helps x

Thanks @dmango

Yesterday managed to call to a work support group, and then 6 calls arranged.

@PurpleKittyKnitting o that’s great, I hope it helps. Take care of yourself x

My mum died last November after a long battle with Alzheimer’s. She was cremated on 12th December but her lifelong wish was for her final resting place to be in her parents grave in Scotland, near where she grew up, so I’ve spent the last couple of months making arrangements for this.

I was ok in the run up to the funeral and even afterwards, when we brought her ashes home, I was still ok, but now I’m really dreading going to Scotland to bury the ashes, and I don’t know why. Is it because it’s the final stage? I feel on the edge of tears all the time and I need to be strong to support my Dad.

Grief is so strange. I feel much worse now than I did right after Mum died.

It looks like there’s not much activity here - not for my post anyway. I’ll see if I can find a more suitable support forum.

@Pushkinia I'm sorry for your loss, it can definitely hit you at different times one day you can be okay and the next will be harder 😔

It's lovely that you are honouring your Mum's wishes and what a beautiful place to do it too. I have a great fondness for Scotland.

@Pushkinia I'm so sorry for your loss.
I lost my dad at a similar time. Yes, grief is definitely not linear and can hit us to different degrees at different times. I come from an Irish family, and today has been hard, as I remember St Patrick's Days in the past with my beloved dad.

It's lovely you're honouring your mum's wishes, and I know what you mean about it seeming final, but in actual fact I think there'll be loads more moments when you feel you're saying goodbye or communicating in other ways with the memory of your mum.
It was different for us, as the funerals culturally happen very quickly in Ireland, and burial is far more common. So, my dad was buried a few days after he passed away, and we were all still in such shock. I almost didn't have time to think of it as the main goodbye. I've found myself chatting to my dad many times since. I did today. I'm very spiritual, and believe in the afterlife very strongly; but even if you don't, you might find yourself chatting to your mum's memory, if that makes sense. I couldn't bear to think of the funeral as the big goodbye. I was on autopilot and can barely remember it to be honest.

I think you could maybe frame laying your mum's ashes to rest as an act of love, and love never ends, and is always ongoing.

I'm so sorry you didn't get an immediate response to your initial post. I dip in and out of this board, and I think many people do. So, I didn't see your message till a few moments ago, and probably the same for lots of us on here. But, it's a very supportive place, and I hope you can find it helpful.

You take care, and I hope laying your mum's ashes to rest in accordance with her wishes, can give you some peace and be a time of reflection. Thinking of you x

Thank you both.

@WoodlandLove your story really touched me. I still talk to mum as well. Her ashes are currently still in a drawer in her bedroom until we go to Scotland, and I open the door every morning to say good morning and wish her goodnight at bedtime. I sometimes feel silly doing it, but I need to do it!

Thank you @Gingercar It's a crazy thing grief, isn't it? Have lost grandparents and family friends before and thought it was the same thing. It really isn't. This is crushing.

@Pushkinia hope you’re having a better day. Grief flies in from nowhere sometimes and floors you. Sometimes I find it gets me most when I’m stressed about something else.
And I frequently talk to my parents and best friend. I witter away. I like it, but sometimes it makes me sad that I can’t get their reply. I also love that I occasionally catch myself saying something or doing something and I stop in my tracks and think “that’s come from them”. Someone said to me when my dad died that they’ll never be gone while you’re alive, they live on in you. It’s a nice feeling.

Do you mind if I join? I lost dad yesterday. He'd been in hospital 2 days and we told he was end of life. I'm just feeling overwhelmed with everything that needs to be done. I don't even know what I'm supposed to be doing as NoK. He left money in his bank account to pay for his funeral, but how does that work if I can't access his account now? It's questions like this that I have but no one to ask.

Thank you. I’m still going through waves of “coping” and times when I feel awful. I wake up every night about 3am, which is really getting me down.

I have Dad to look after (and he’s going through health challenges of his own) but my sister is supportive and helps a lot when I’m at work. My other sister and my brother both live much further away but we’re in regular contact.

@wyntersky I’m so sorry you’re going through this too. Are you your father’s executor? I’m afraid I don’t know much about the bank account side of things but I did find the funeral director very helpful in steering me in the right direction for a lot of things. Citizen’s Advice might also be a help.

I'm so sorry for your loss
Yes, I think the funeral director could probably advise you about the practical stuff.
Take care x

I'm so sorry about your Dad. I lost Mum in January and it's the first time I've had to deal with anything like this. I had to register Dad's death before but not deal with financial issues. I'm in Scotland so not sure if that makes a difference. The bank needed the death certificate and a copy of the will (which will show you as executor) and you will need to provide photo id. They usually have someone in branch who deals with bereavement and you are given a bereavement reference number. If you have any issues you can go into any brach with this reference number and staff will help you. If you take the funeral director's bill into the bank the staff will scan it and it is paid from a central point even though the account will have been frozen This was RBS. I hope this is helpful.

From experience, the only payments allowed out of a deceased person’s account are for the funeral. All other transactions are frozen. When Mum died I didn’t realise this and paid for the first half myself, but managed to get the balance paid to the funeral directors direct from her bank.
The ‘Tell me once’ service lets the main people know or council tax, state pension. It’s actually a brilliant system and very easy to use.

I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your Dad and send heartfelt condolences. As well as all the sadness it must feel a scary and overwhelming time. A persons bank account is frozen once someone dies but the bank will release money to pay for the funeral. Stay on the thread as I’ve gone through this after my Dad died last year. I don’t want to overload you with too much advice all at once. The funeral directors will be able to guide you but you won’t be able to do much until you’ve obtained your Dad’s death certificate and registered his death. Get several copies of the death certificate as you will need these for different organisations.
I was also an only child dealing with everything.

@wyntersky I’m sorry for your loss.
I lost my mum at Xmas. We had to send the funeral receipts to the bank and they paid the bill out of mum’s account. We haven’t got probate yet so other funds haven’t been released.
Did the hospital give you a leaflet on what to do? You usually have to wait a couple of days for the paperwork before the undertaker can collect them, but you can speak to undertakers. They should be very helpful. And once you have the paperwork you can register the death at the local registry office, and get the proper death certificate. I got several copies of my dad’s but didn’t need more than two. I’ve only needed one for my mum.
In the meantime perhaps make a list of your dad’s affairs that you will need to contact- banks, pensions, phones, utilities etc. And you’ll need property valuations too.
Do you know if there is a will/who is executor?
It does feel overwhelming at first, but take your time, you will get through it. Weirdly I find it easier when I have things to sort out/deal with. It stops my head thinking.

Wyntersky

So very sorry to read about your dad and also send my condolences.

We all know how hard it is to start re the paperwork. In my case I had to start filling in forms for his repatriation from the holiday accommodation that very evening.

Did he make a will?.

If you can go into his bank with his death certificate and your passport as means of id this will help. I was treated very kindly by the bank staff even though this is routine for them.

The tell us once government service is useful to use. (I was not able to use this for my dad as he died overseas).

You will also need to inform his previous employer if he had a private pension scheme. The council will also need to be informed of his death re council tax.

As I understand it funds can also be released by the bank to also pay the HMRC if needed.

If you have his recent bank statements go through it and list all the direct debits.

Did he use a mobile phone?. I would not start dealing with the likes of them until more time has passed. I found they are not the easiest of companies to deal with.

Be kind to yourself in these early days.

I posted about losing my dad.
He had his direct cremation. The coroner said about an inquest. After further tests, they were satisfied with a cause of death.
My mum has been worried as she is in social housing and was terrified about being forced to move as she is now under-occupying (and has done for years anyway). She found out today that there is no pressure to move. The housing association people were actually really nice.
It is a weird time... a time now like all the things are final and it is time to move on.

Just had the 1 year anniversary of Mum passing.

I found it so hard, it's gone so fast.

Also I've had such good support from friends which I need to focus on but a group of long term friends completely ignored it, no acknowledgement at all and that really hurt, I'm seeing the friendship very differently now 😢

Hi @Fightingdragonswithyou I’ve had the year anniversary of losing my mum earlier in March. It’s tough isn’t it? The lead up to it was very hard too, lots of ‘this time last year.’ I can’t believe it’s been a year, I miss her so much and would love to just have one more chat.
In terms of friendships I’m not sure what happens. I’ve had so many lovely people offer support unexpectedly but a bit like you a close friend really hasn’t and it changed that relationship forever I believe. It’s made me see the relationship really differently and possibly see things that were always there I was just a bit more tolerant and accepting.
Anyway just sending you love and you’re not alone xx