For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2025)

[Crunchymum]

A follow on from the nearly full old thread - https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/bereavement/4932881-for-anyone-needing-support-after-losing-a-parent-very-supportive-thread-november-2023?page=40&reply=147297138

I hope this thread continues to be a place of warmth, support and shared wisdom.

Thank you for you kind words x
DF wont be having a funeral as he has always expressed a wish to just be cremated with no fuss (although his exact words were just to throw him in a skip with his belongings).
He is due to have a post mortem at the end of this week at the earliest, so it all feels a bit on hold anyway.

I will be going to my mum's this weekend for a few days.

Ah, I'm glad you're going to your mum's. I really hope that you can be a comfort to eachother.
Funnily enough, my Dad wasn't remotely fussed about about what happened to his body. He made that clear several times over the years. I think funerals are definitely more for the benefit of those left behind. As well as cultural norms in many cases.
That's hard on you that it's all on hold, but I guess it does give the benefit of giving you time to get your head around things? It was such a whirlwind in my Dad's case, and we were in such a state of shock.

You take loads of care, and I hope you can find some inner peace in the midst of the awful grief x

We had my DF funeral on Monday. It was a lovely service, both DC got up and spoke which was very emotional. I am struggling, perhaps feel a bit traumatised by the actual burial. Thinking of him in his coffin, all alone, underneath all that soil. It's a family lair so it looked very deep. It's all I can think about. It has been full of for my brother and I since he died. I feel a bit forgotten about, as family are just messaging (his siblings etc) to say how much they are struggling, but not asking how we are. One of his siblings said she was too upset to come to the funeral tea (she's barely seen my dad in over 30 years yet was able to message and ask for items from his house before the funeral which gave me the rage) - I am finding our family dynamics really difficult to deal with, as all I want to do is think about my wonderful dad, who did so much for others.

I am now faced with sorting the estate which feels massively over-whelming. Some of the solicitors quotes are huge. I don't know whether to try and tackle it myself, and just get them to do the grant of confirmation, or just get them to do the whole lot - but it's so much money. I'd be sharing the load with my brother who I trust. I'll need to see what he thinks.

Last night I broke down the coffin spray into lots of small bouquets and took them to various family members headstones, and also to my dad's house and put some by his front door. I am also trying to dry some, and press some, so will see how that turns out. I'm trying to find little tasks that bring me comfort and joy to distract from my upsetting family members.

I just feel so lost.

I keep re-reading this Donna Ashworth poem.
The Loss of a Father funeral reading - Melbourne Celebrant

@TheonlyoneiknowIt’s a lot. I’m also struggling with Other People, anxiety, and sheer exhaustion. The estate stuff is hard and feels so bloody stupid and such an unwelcome demand on the reserves I have. I tend to feel better the busier I am, but my sleep is crap and I’m so tired.

It’s almost a year since my Dad died and Mum died the year before. My Dad adopted me at an early age but his family never accepted me. It was horrible growing up knowing that half my family weren’t there for me.

Dad’s family didn’t even get in touch when he was dying even though I sent updates to his brother every couple of days.

His nephew and niece attended his funeral
against my wishes and his brother was phoning solicitors and trying to track down his will within a few days of Dad’s death. He clearly felt I was entitled to anything and probably sought legal advice about displacing me.

I’m an only child and have had to sort out Dad’s estate, including selling his house on my own. I’m exhausted with it all, particularly after having to take two companies - British Gas and Nationwide to the Ombudsman.

Mum’s family haven’t been supportive or kept in touch either and I feel people see me as not needing or deserving support.

My mood is incredibly low, I barely function when I’m not at work and find it difficult to to be around people because I just don’t have the energy to interact with and pretending I’m alright is draining.

Thank you. DM had a call from the coroner today. They have not found an obvious cause so further tests have to be done and it might go to inquest.
I am dreading going... seeing the empty sofa he was always on. Even no longer hearing him getting up to pee in the night. Silly things.
I need to write him a letter to take with me tomorrow, for his journey from the coroner's to the crematorium and beyond.... and my goodness, it is so hard. I have used ChatGPT (which I hate) for ideas and it given me a template.

Aww @XenoBitch I'm so sorry you're going through this. Grief is horrendous.

I know for me going to my parents' house after my Dad passed away, on the run up to the funeral, it was acutely painful seeing his empty chair, surrounded by his stuff. His absence confronted me and the physical pain of grief took me by surprise. But, I also felt it was really important to be there, and to feel those things, and grieve intensely there & then, as I knew it would feel more abstract after I left again.
Obviously grief is unique to everyone, and it might be very different for you. But, I hope you and your mum can comfort eachother, and it can help you grieve in a cathartic way.

Sending you love x

@Theonlyoneiknow My Mum was buried 3 weeks ago in the family lair with my Dad and I found it so depressing too. For people saying they are together again that is not providing any comfort. Thinking of you.xx

My beautiful mum is being buried on Friday in the meadow with my dad . The last three weeks have been ruined by my elder brothers who have bullied me since a teenager. They started about the will the day after she died and the disgusting texts are daily . My husband is the executor as I refused the role by my late mum. One brother hadn’t seen my mum for over six years and is the main perpetrator of this . All I feel is so sad that they thought only of my mum’s money . I am absolutely dreading the funeral and wake. They haven’t wanted any part of it just to see her will . Poor mum 😢

I’m so sorry - that sounds incredibly tough. And I cannot believe the gall of your dad’s family. As a fellow ‘only’ I get how lonely this must be. Sending love and strength x

I am back home now. It was hard. Going into their house, and he was not on the sofa watching the news. Just a massive and all encompassing silence. His phone and glasses were still on the table... and his slippers nearby ready for him to put on after walking the dog...the walk he never came home from.
Me and DM watched TV, and there was recorded stuff that he had lined up to watch, and he will never watch it.

Whilst I was there, more cards turned up, and a someone knocked. I overheard what was said. The lady made it all about her... how her husband found my dad lying in the grass and did CPR... and how my parent's dog was running about going mad. All untrue. It was a young couple who found my dad, and the dog was on the lead and just stood there. Why do people insert there self into things? Why do they make stuff up?
My mum said she has been told several different versions of what happened, and it is really upsetting her.

@XenoBitch I'm so sorry to read all that. So hard for you and your mum.
Now you're home, lots of self care needed. When my sister got back from our Dad's funeral, she treated herself to a posh box of chocolates. I think I had lots of long hot baths (still do) and it's so important to look after yourself, as grief can take a huge toll on both body and mind. It affected my sleep hugely for well over a month.
Thinking of you, and everyone else on this thread grieving. Thank goodness for this thread x

It's been a tough week this week. It would have been my lovely mum's 73rd birthday this week. It feels so strange not to celebrate it with her and I have many memories of happy celebrations at this time. Last weekend I went up to the crematorium with DH, my 2 DC, my brother and my dad. It was tough. I put some flowers at her plaque where her ashes are buried. We all had dinner at my Dad's and raised a glass to mum. It was nice but this week has been an emotional one. Next month it will be a year since she passed and that's playing on my mind too. I miss my mum so much. A friend of my mum's checked in with me on her birthday which was lovely and it gives me comfort that others are thinking of her too.

@Marshmallow201 happy birthday to your Mum, it's really hard the first birthday without them you just spend the whole time thinking they should be here. Sounds like you marked it in a lovely way x

@Marshmallow201 I'm so sorry you're you're having such a rough week.
I hugely empathise with the birthday. It's my dad's birthday in May, and I'm already thinking about it. It'll be so odd to not be wrapping a present and writing a card. I think I'll give something to charity around that time, to honour his memory.
Take care x

Huge hugs and solidarity, Marshmallow. My dad would also have been 73 this week. It felt very much like yet another awful milestone to get through. I’m now dreading both Mother and Fathers days. My birthday in the summer will be tough too without both parents for the first time.

Ive also found the signs of Spring have made me really sad. Dad adored his garden and the fact he won’t be here to see the bulbs he planted coming up make me really emotional. 🥲

We buried my beautiful mum two days ago. I thought I would feel better now she’s back with my dad but today has been truly awful. I am missing her so much and I feel sorry for my husband as the grief has taken over our home . I am trying to be logical and think she was late eighties she had lived a long life but how can you just accept the person who has always been there is now gone . Looking at her clothes I find especially painful 😢

I’m sorry Marvellousmeadows. It’s still so early. It’s natural to still feel upset. I think the period after the funeral is always tough.

We are in the process of clearing out my mum’s house. For some reason I’m finding it upsetting, which is weird as I was halfway through it already because she’d moved in with us six months before she died.

I feel for those of you who are now in the house clearing stage too. My wonderful dad passed away at the end of January. We are now trying to sort his estate, both financially and physically. I had to make a start on his clothes, shoes, cookbooks etc last week. I felt like I was living in some kind of parallel universe like Sliding Doors.

Sending love to everyone that has recently joined us. Struggling at the moment, Friday it was dad's birthday so me, mum, my sister and my niece went to his favourite fish and chip restaurant and raised a cod and chips to him. His grave is awash with flowers but it's just so hard. His birthday also marks the start of when things went so wrong, The moment dads cancer diagnosis exploded into our lives. 5 weeks in hospital watching the strongest man I know fight with everything he had. 5 weeks of hope, denial, exhaustion and realising love wouldn’t be enough. April will be tough as we mark 1 year without him.

I’m sorry @Howmanycatsaretoomanycats . These firsts are tough. It’s three years since I lost my dad now and I have to say it’s a lot less “sharp” now than it was in the first year.
Mother’s Day is looming and starting to hurt when I see cards in shops. I can’t believe it’s already 3 months since she died.

@Howmanycatsaretoomanycats what a lovely way to mark your Dad's birthday. It's such a tough time, take care of yourself 💗

Take care @Gingercar on Sunday. I completely empathise with Mother's Day being difficult. Last year it was at the end of March and that was the last time I saw my mum. I know my own DC and DH will spoil me on Sunday but I wish I could celebrate it with mum.

Hello.

It appears I'm at a similar stage as some recent posters.

My mum died very unexpectedly in early Jan. The funeral has taken place, and a lot of stuff from the house is away. Then it will be put up for sale.

I guess I thought I'd feel different after the funeral. I thought I'd be constantly crying, and collapsing, but I didn't.

The main things I struggle with are she died in the street, passers by were helping, ambulance and paramedics etc but she most likely had passed before any help arrived. That afternoon, I then took a call from a police officer, trying to ascertain who I was, and then had to tell me what had happened.

It was such a shock....how I had to be told and that she was on her own.

Oh that must be hard @PurpleKittyKnitting. These things go over and over in our heads to torture us. But hopefully it was very quick for her. She probably wasn’t aware she was alone, and it sounds like she had people around her. Again, eventually time will dampen this and it won’t be in your head so much. You have to try to tell yourself to stop thinking about it, you won’t change anything and will only hurt yourself.

I can’t help think we were more open about death as a society it wouldn’t feel quite as awful as it does . Obviously you will still miss the person but death is so natural but rarely spoken about . I feel very alone as most of my friends still have both their parents and now both of mine are gone 😞