How old were you when your Mum died?

[mistymirror]

Sorry to be so morbid. I am just interested to know how old people were when their Mum died and how they handled the situation?

Thank you everyone for your replies and I am so sorry, some of these stories are so sad
We found out on Thursday that my Mum's cancer is sadly incurable, I don't know how much time I have left with her yet but I know it won't be as long as it should be. I'm devastated. Never in a million years did I ever imagine she would get such an aggressive and random cancer (oesophagus), she's otherwise so healthy, never smoked, rarely drinks, no history of cancer in the family. It's just so random and so heartbreaking. It's also been missed for months by health care professionals which makes it that much harder to process and accept.

So so so sorry. I believe I’ll see my mum again when my time is up but your mum still has some so fill it with so so much love. I remember telling myself we’re all on borrowed time and at least we knew for a short time that it was precious. x

48, my mum was 72. I was shellshocked by grief.

I was 56 and she was 90. Reading all.of these posts I realise how lucky I was to have had her for so long . Love to all of us who have lost our mumsxx

I was 33 and it was hard. I am one of 3 girls, the eldest, and we were all still at the beginning. My mum didn’t see any of us married and missed out on all three of her grandchildren. I remember bawling my eyes out with my DF when my eldest niece was born and then doing the same with my DSis when my son was born. The sorrow was real and unspoken, the tears were all for my mum.
There have been so many times that I wished she’d been around to share the joy our lives have brought us, but I’m also glad she wasn’t around to worry about the serious health problems all three of us have experienced.

My youngest sister found it difficult to talk but my other sister and I made a pact that we would be surrogate mums to each other and we have stuck to it.

Life has been different without her but not sad. My DF died when I was 40 so we have been parentless for 20yrs. My DH lost his DF when he was 3 so I feel so much luckier because I grew up with both my parents.

We had DS late so it’s likely he will lose us when he is relatively young. His ambition is to marry and have a family, as well as a good job. I hope he has a happy marriage and a houseful of children to grow old with.

Just to add, the weird thing is, my DS is a clone of my DF. He is like him both in appearance and in personality. It’s quite spooky at times. DS was a few months old when my DF died and even as a young child he was unmistakably his grandfathers grandson. They would have really got on. In some ways he has filled the gap my DF left behind. Both my sisters are convinced he is my DF reincarnated.

I'm very lucky my mum's still here at 85. My dad passed when I was 13 though and that was life changingly upsetting.
I think I'll be very sad when I lose my mum as I'm an only child and we are extremely close. But of course it's devastating for everyone at any age.

I'm very sorry about your news @mistymirror

Please try not to put pressure on yourself to feel or react a certain way. Shock, disbelief, anger, fear, distress and more are all normal reactions and there is no timetable for you to process or accept any of this.

Hopefully your mum will have support from a Macmillan nurse, and they should be able to link you up with support too. If she has hospice support (even if she's cared for at home she should still be able to access hospice services), they also should have support for you.

I am truly sorry this is happening to your mum. If it offers you any comfort, I lost my mum in similar circumstances and like you it was devastating - but in some ways that final period together brought us closer and after she died over time I gradually found ways to carry her with me still and to cope.

Your mum will always be part of your life, whether she's physically present or not - she has influenced who you are and is part of your story. Relationships don't end when someone dies. You'll be able to find ways to carry your connection with her throughout your life. I never talk about it as "moving on" or "getting over it" because I don't think that's how it works - you don't leave them behind or forget them, you learn to move forward and carry them in a different way. When the time comes, that's what you'll do.

There can be a lot of pressure in circumstances like this to try and get everything perfect - to have all the perfect conversations and moments and bucket list activities. Try not to add too much pressure on yourself and just do what is right for your mum, for you and your family in each moment. It's completely okay to just cry and hold each other or just to want to do little everyday things while you can.

Please make sure you take up support for yourself when you need it. Marie Curie has some information pages about caring for someone with a terminal diagnosis. I won't link it in case you're not ready to read it / it's too upsetting, but that's one place which has support services.

Sending love to you and your family 💐

@owladventure
that is such a lovely thoughtful post xxx

I was 28. My mother died two days after her 45th birthday- in a particularly horrible way. The whole family just collapsed - it turned out she was the lynchpin for all of us. She had so many friends who were also devastated. I don't think any of us really recovered

Sorry to hear about your Mum OP - I hope you get to spend as long as possible with her.
I was 4 when my mum died (aged 21). I don't really remember her sadly as she'd been ill for 2 years before that, and in and out of hospital. Dd is 21 next year. I can't even imagine....

I was about 56 - I purposedly don't remember the date so could have been 55.

I was delighted to finally be rid of the narcissistic, controlling old bag.

I’m so sorry.
i lost my mother six weeks ago to a rare and aggressive leukaemia, and it all happened very fast towards the end. She had looked after herself too. I know how it feels.

It is a lot to take in. Try to enjoy the fun moments—and there will still be those, we were joking around the evening before my mother lost consciousness. Screenshot funny WhatsApp’s and texts etc. They bring comfort. 💐

Thank you so much for your message and advice. I will screenshot this message and look back at it when I feel I need to.
The waves of different emotions I have been feeling are exhausting and quite terrifying. I have been through grief before with my Grandparents who I was very close to so I know that time heals wounds and things eventually feel easier but I am finding it hard to believe I will ever get over this. I think because it feels so unfair because she is still young and otherwise healthy, only recently retired and won't get to see my children (I have 2 young daughters) grow up. Her symptoms were missed in January by her GP and that also makes it hard for me to come to terms with. All of this is just a stark reminder of how horribly unfair and cruel life can be sometimes. I don't want to become cynical because that's not the way I've been brought up but it's very hard not to be when things like this happen.
Thank you again for your response and I am sorry you went through similar with your Mum.

My mum died when I was 40. She had me young and I should have had another 20 years with her. This was 2 years ago and my heart is still broken. I don't think I will ever recover. She was my best friend, my rock, my comfort, my confidence and my biggest fan. I don't have other family. She also got cancer. When she was diagnosed and told it was terminal I never truly believed it. I have only realised that in the last month. Grief is awful. I'm sorry for everyone going through this. X

46. Dad went 10 years earlier. I'm an only child and had 4 teenagers. A very difficult time.

I was 3 years old with older siblings. My dad was useless and we literally had to drag ourselves up. Think it was harder on the older ones. I guess I never knew any different and didn't realise how much you need your man until I got married myself and later had children of my own.

So sorry to read about your Mom, OP. It’s so unfair.

I was 53 and my Mom was 87, she died almost 2 years ago. She’d always been so fit and healthy, she was always busy and we were certain she’d see 100 but suddenly she started having falls, became weak and appeared to shrink before our eyes. By the end she didn’t have the strength to stand at all, this all happened over a period of around four months. It was more of a relief when she died as she was really struggling.

My Dad is 91 and still going strong, he lives alone, does his housework and has learnt to cook for himself. Had a long chinwag about football with him this afternoon.

38 she was 69. It’s heartbreaking but gets better with time. You learn to cope but you always miss them and it hurts your heart.

I was 4.

I'm so sorry about your darling mum. I lost my mum 7.5 years ago, she was 65 and I was 42. Cancer. I had her for 18 months after diagnosis and I spent every waking (and a lot of sleeping) minutes with her, I'm an only child and my dads way of coping was to pretend it wasn't happening and stay away as much as possible. The anticipatory grief is something you will come across and I remember one day, close to the end, when I left her bedroom to get some fresh air, I was looking through the conservatory into the kitchen, to the stool she always sat at, and she wasn't there. The sudden terror of never having her with me again is something I will never forget, I was terrified, the last thing I wanted was for her to see me like that so I spent sometime getting myself together.

I wish with all my heart and soul that I could be with her, here. My story doesn't really have much good advice for after she's gone as I went into work mode (police) and I still haven't grieved for her, and I know one day it will all come crashing down on me, so I'm
Not the best for answering how do you cope, but I do have a couple of bits that might help,

Don't do you're grieving now, do your living with her now, don't waste it on grief if you can,

When the time comes grieve, grieve until one day becomes a little easier than the last, and the day after that and the day after that. Don't do what I've done,

Sending love

I was 5…. 10 days before I was 6.
sadly I really can’t remember her 😞
I so wish that it was more commonplace for people to have had video cameras back then as I’d love to see her and hear her.

@CoffeeCakeAndALattePlease life can be so unfair. A child should never lose their mum just like a mum should never lose their child. X

If she was ill then many would think it was a blessing as they wouldn't want someone to suffer. It's something that many people think or say and is usually meant as a source of comfort even though it may not feel like it to the family (but also in fairness often the family members feel relief too after a long illness)

43. My mum died last week. She had MS for 45 years. Horrific. My mum lost her voice at the end so I recommend making audio recordings of stories - we don’t have enough recordings of her voice.