Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

How old were you when your Mum died?

209 replies

mistymirror · 13/08/2024 21:42

Sorry to be so morbid. I am just interested to know how old people were when their Mum died and how they handled the situation?

OP posts:
Enko · 14/08/2024 07:33

I was 42 it was a sudden death so a shock. However my.mum was not very involved in my life so handling it was more about grieving when I needed it.

In truth when mil passed it affected me far more as she was an active part of our lives.

Wisenotboring · 14/08/2024 08:01

Allthegoodnamesaretaken92 · 13/08/2024 23:10

Does losing your mum have a bigger impact than losing your dad?

why only mum? Is no one affected by losing their dad?

I imagine it is different for different people. OP asked about mothers as she is facing losing hers. That's why people are respo ding about their mums.

worriedgal · 14/08/2024 08:10

I was 23 , my brother was 19
You have no choice but to cope with it!
I'm 52 now and older than she was when she died.
It has always been with me but no choice other than to live a life I hope she would be proud of.

ChocoChocoLatte · 14/08/2024 08:12

32yrs old and 40wks pregnant

ShinyAppleDreamingOfTheSea · 14/08/2024 08:13

@mistymirror

I just mean how they coped with loosing their Mum. I'm worried I'm not far away from losing my Mum I'm 31 and I just don't think I will cope without her. I'm terrified of how my life will be without her in it.

I'm sorry to hear that .

I lost my mum last year, late 50s, and my mum was in her 80s. She had dementia and had suffered for a few years, gradually getting worse . As another poster in a similar situation has said, it was her time . Mostly I feel a bit guilty that I didn't handle it as well as I could in the early stages when she was in denial of her illness .

FlipFlops4Me · 14/08/2024 08:19

I was 50. My DM had had Alzheimers for years and tbh her death was an absolute blessing. She was - to put it plainly - a vegetable that swallowed mush if it was put in her mouth, and had no speech, no cognition, no ability to move.

I dealt with the funeral, clearing her room etc and then I dealt with her estate (such as it was).

My reaction to it all was to write a Living Will (through my solicitor) that is lodged with my GP and a copy is in my notes at the hospital, saying that if I lose my marbles with no hope of recovery - don't treat any illness with antibiotics etc, DNR, do not operate - nothing. Just let me go.

I also have a LPA giving the same instructions. My DH has an LPA worded the same as mine, and it is in effect now because he has vascular dementia. The nursing staff at the nursing home know the instructions and will follow them.

Edited for clarity

patchworkbear · 14/08/2024 08:20
  1. My mum was 42. Car accident.
FlipFlops4Me · 14/08/2024 08:21

Emotionally I cope with having no parents (DF died long before DM) by remembering them a lot, talking about them and if I have a problem I ask myself what advice would they have given me. In a way, they've never left me. And that's a great comfort.

VanLife33 · 14/08/2024 08:21

My mum died last month after a very short illness of cancer .. she was 56. I'm 33 and have just had to get on with it really.. I have 2 children that are 7 and 8 .. it's summer holidays, one just had a birthday we go on holiday next week ..

Life goes on ❤️

(I don't think it's really sunk in yet 😕)

Oneblindmouse · 14/08/2024 08:36

I was 40. Mum was 68. She had only been ill for 3 months(untreatable cancer). The initial effect on me was sadness but we were ready for it due to poor prognosis. However the biggest effect on me was that my Dad had a heart attack a week after the funeral when I was at their house over an hour away from my home. I got him to hospital but the problem was that they had 6 dogs. I couldn't stay at their house to look after them as I had two DC at home and was working. Then a year later my Dad emigrated to Spain which devastated me as I had effectively lost both parents.

lele2221 · 14/08/2024 08:39

29 and my mum was 64 after a 5 year battle with cancer. My dad died suddenly when I was 13 and he was 53. When my Mum passed I had an overwhelming feeling of being abandoned and realising I was now an orphan. I was 29 and suddenly felt very vulnerable, even though I had my own house and relied very little on my mum. I think emotionally I relied on her a lot. And when I did have my first child years after her death, I cried for her more than I ever did.

Xelda · 14/08/2024 08:48

Grateeggspectations · 13/08/2024 22:02

I was mid fifties. Mum was in her nineties with dementia. It was a relief. I sometimes think I miss her, but then she was ill for so long I’d never want her back like that. It was her time.

I could've written this post word for word x

Nikee20 · 14/08/2024 08:51

I was 28 when my mum died and 3.5 when my dad died.
It’s rubbish.
When all your friends are visiting their parents, going round for holidays etc and you can’t…

1984Winston · 14/08/2024 08:52

17 I think it's hard whatever age you are tbh but I am sad she didn't see me as an adult or meet her grandchildren

Amti6 · 14/08/2024 08:58

I was 35 and she was 57. She was taken far too soon and I miss her terribly. I have since had a child which has added an extra dimension to my grief. I see people out with their children and mums and I am so sad we never got to have that, as she would have been the best grandma. However I always remind myself just how lucky I am to have had her at all, I couldn't have asked for a better mum ❤️

Mathsbabe · 14/08/2024 09:06

I was 66 and my mother was 90

Mepop · 14/08/2024 09:11

I was 40. My mum was 65. My Dad died 5 years later at 75. Mum died after a long illness, Dad’s death was a RTA. Looking through this list there are so many who lost parents younger than me but I do think we are the exception. Everyone I know around my age have at least 1 parent still, most have both. Some still have grandparents!

Hoistupthemainsail · 14/08/2024 09:18
  1. It was horrendous and I miss her every day. Sometimes I feel like I can't actually remember her which hurts so much (now 50)
olderbutwiser · 14/08/2024 09:22

60; mum was nearly 98, fit as you can be at that age and 100% mentally there and her actual death was a surprise to everyone. But her friends and peers were all long gone; 90 will be plenty for me.

caringcarer · 14/08/2024 09:24

I was 51 when Mum died and 30 when Dad died. When my Mum died I remember thinking I'm an orphan now. When alive my parents were always there for me. There deaths left huge holes.

Abra1t · 14/08/2024 09:33

I'm 60 and my Mum died five weeks ago aged 86.

The immediate response to her death was some relief that her suffering (aggressive leukaemia) was over. After the funeral, about four weeks after she died, I was very weepy for some days. I still do dissolve briefly from time to time, but feel cheerful the rest of the time. Possibly the admin is a distraction.

I rang her up every day, at least once, since she was widowed just before Covid, and still feel strange the time of day when I usually made the calls.
I will always miss my parents because nobody else loves you in quite the same way.

veritasverity · 14/08/2024 10:56

Op, it's irrelevant how other people cope, because we're all unique in how we grieve. Losing someone you love, at any age, is hard.
Personally I'd like to my kids to be at least 18 before I pop my clogs, because before then, as a child, you don't have much autonomy, and if the surviving parent marries again, I think that must be incredibly difficult for a child, no matter how lovely the potential new step-parent. (Hard at 18+, but at least heading towards independence).
My mum died a couple of years ago, I still miss her. She was a wonderful woman, my best friend, my guide and my guru. But I'm also incredibly grateful that I had her in my life for so many years, she died too soon, but when I look at some of my friends and see the painful relationship they have with their parent, I'm reminded how incredibly lucky I was to have had my mum.
If I could give any advice, I'd say ask any questions you might have. I wish I had asked my mum more about her family, I wish we'd talked more about death (I had no idea what she wanted for her funeral), I have so many things I wish I'd asked her, but her death was unexpected and very sudden, no time to prepare, (big stroke which left her very disabled, robbed her of all communication, and she died three weeks later).

Cattery · 14/08/2024 10:56

I was 39 and my mum was 66. She died of cancer and she faced every obstacle with such optimism. Her family were her life. She adored her three grandchildren. She was the rock on which our family was built. We were adrift for a long time after. It was an unimaginably difficult time. My sister and me were so stunned with grief we couldn’t even go to choose flowers for the funeral. Our respective husbands were marvellous through it all. I so wish she hadn’t missed so much of what was to come; how well all the grandkids have done and the lives they’ve built for themselves. My niece is getting married next spring and my mum won’t be there. I’ve so much I want to tell her x

Fizbosshoes · 14/08/2024 11:27

I was 33, and my kids were 1 and 4 when my mum died. My DD particularly was the apple of my mums eye, she was conceived when my mum was having chemo and I think that gave her something new to look forward to. I mostly miss that I can't share how my DC have turned out, and at key moments in their life. (I know I'll feel it on A level results day tomorrow)

But I'm lucky to have had her into adulthood
Flowers to everyone but particularly those who lost their mum when they were kids.

Glowingreviews · 14/08/2024 11:31

I was two years old. I was shunted around half a dozen foster homes as my father went awol. He then remarried within a year then eventually decided he wanted me and my older brother back. We were physically and emotionally abused for years until adulthood really. It was a pretty shit life.