How old were you when your Mum died?

[mistymirror]

Sorry to be so morbid. I am just interested to know how old people were when their Mum died and how they handled the situation?

I was 35 when I lost my Dad and 36 when Mum died (but there was actually only ten weeks between their deaths). My DCs were 7 and 5. I coped as best I could. I’m 11 years on now and in some ways only just emerging from the rubble! But I’m not the same person now. My life feels divided into the before and after.

I got much longer with my folks than some do, and was glad I had my children young enough to see my parents become grandparents. But they were too young really- 65 and 66 and had both been very active and in excellent health up until that year.

For a while it really hurt to see women my age with their Mums. Especially if with small kids as well. I sometimes had to avoid places like garden centres (especially in the run up to Christmas), and cafes on weekdays. Something I found especially difficult was meeting people almost twice my age who still had their mums! Genuinely made me cross and then made me feel guilty for being jealous.

I’m so sorry you are facing this, and I understand your terror. In some ways that terror that you will simply not survive it is worse than how it really is. I mean- if you’re lucky enough to have enjoyed a good relationship with your mum- which it sounds like you have- of course it is devastating and likely to change you fundamentally as a person. Before it happened, I had that same terror you have. I couldn’t fathom how I would go on living. But you just do. You ride the waves of grief and let it unfold as it should. There’s no escaping or solving it and we find ways to cope- I hope you have supportive and loving relationships in your life. I had my lovely children, my amazing steadfast husband, and my dear brother; and lots of lovely friends who held me up. At first it is a case of getting though the day. And then further down the line, I began to find reasons to be cheerful, ways to find purpose. You will be ok. You will find the strength.

Take care of yourself 💐

7

I lost my mum in January, she was 66 years old. I was 36.
Honestly, it has hands down been the hardest thing I have ever been through. She was chronically ill for as long as I can remember but she just got on with it and very very rarely complained. She was never expected to make an old age but that doesn't make it any easier. She was an amazing woman who always saw the best in people and would do anything for her loved ones.

Sadly I don't believe it ever gets better with time, I think you just learn how to manage your feelings and you do even if it's bumpy along the way. Because of all of her conditions I used to worry a lot about this happening and would stew over it and get panicky thinking I would not cope. I'm not sure I am coping as well as I could but it's early days still. I am going to explore some bereavement counselling too.

There are so many of us who have lost our mums at a young age, so many mums who were taken far too soon. I know it's not the mumsnetty thing but I think we all need a big hug

I’m so very sorry.

There are so many very sad stories in this thread. My heart goes out to all of you, but very especially those of you who lost your mums in childhood. 💐

I was 24 and she was my last living parent so that was that with parents for me. It was all new, being executor of the will, inheritance tax, mortgage, utilities, pensions, putting an estate through probate, packing up all her things, selling the house, figuring out what to do with all the stuff. Ringing all her friends to tell them, how to arrange a funeral, how much coffins cost, how many meetings you have to have with people, solicitors, funeral homes, flowers, celebrants, the vicar, the food, the venue, the newspapers, all of it, and it’s all so urgent and it all has to be done near instantly. You are just thrown into this massive extra near full time job of sorting it all out, I had to learn quickly.

I find it very strange when fully grown adults have parents or refer to asking their parents, going places with their parents, etc. I know rationally it’s not weird to have parents but it sounds so strange to my ear.

I was 53, it hurts me every day 8 years later. My husband lost his mum when he’d just turned 9.
I don’t think my husband ever really got to attempt to deal with his grief and there were numerous ramifications from that.
I still talk to my mum almost daily, I am broken and unbelieving eight years after losing her. I fought so hard for her. She was a magnificently intelligent woman who battled dementia. I will never believe there is a God in heaven because only a devil would put my mother through that torture.

2

28, she died this year at 57 unexpected of a sudden brain bleed, probably made worse by the fact I’m now carer for my sister who has learning disabilities as my mum was, so I’ve had to set aside my own grief at times to support my sister through hers

Fifty-six. I was devastated but so lucky to have had her for so long. Still wasn’t long enough though. She was my best friend. 😢

I'm so sorry to those of you grieving especially those who felt they and their mums weren't ready to go or those whose lives have been utterly devastated beyond words. It is hard to accept a sudden loss at any age and it's interesting how many people have put "still" when noting they miss their mum. There is no time limit on love and no time limit on grief. I expect to miss my mum my whole life without her. Just as I expect to love her.

My mum died after a horrible 3 month battle with cancer last year when I was 39.
I thought that if my mum died then I would never be able to cope without her as I was very close to her and have a young child and no supportive partner. I miss her terribly every day and in all honesty my life is so much harder now since she has died both practically and emotionally, but to the outside world I would be seen to be coping well, behind the scenes I do find it difficult but keep going.

46 🥺

I was 53. She just dropped dead one day out of the blue and it was a real shock. I felt like I was living in a hazy cloud for months. Bless her.

i was 12, she died very suddenly from a brain hemorrhage, absolutely devastating, and I didn’t get on with my dad, until i was married, so my teen years were just awful.

38 for my dad.

I was 20 when my mum died. She had cancer and I’d just had my first child who she got to meet, which I find a blessing. I don’t feel it’s something you get over, you just learn to live with it. I still talk to her sometimes and as time goes on I find that there are things I would like to know that I’ll never get the answer to as she can’t tell me and there’s nobody else to ask now.

I’m now older than she was when she died which is a strange feeling sometimes. I find if I’m feeling a bit low giving myself a talking to, along the lines of my mother didn’t make it this far so be grateful, seems to help me. I miss her every day and I know she would be so proud of my children and would have been a fantastic granny.

I was 32 and my mum was 60. It's been over 22 years and I don't think about it too much anymore. I can't change it unfortunately.

I lost my mum at 57. She was 81 and very ill for the final few years after being extremely fit and healthy up to that. As she was so bad it was a relief for her as she couldn't take any more so that eased the pain somewhat. It has been 5 years but l am regularly just overcome with loneliness missing her. My dad died pretty suddenly years before that and to this day l cannot talk about it without crying. It devastated me as l thought l had years left with him and he was a darling man.

My mother had been ill from the time I was seven and died a month before I turned 11. She was 45.

I spent different times of my life grieving for her.
It had to do with my growing up and processing it differently as I aged and all the events where I wished she was around once I grew up. I am 54 now and I do still wish I had her in my life.

I also spent most of my life worrying about when I was going to lose my father. It was as if I was grieving for him before anything happened to him. He had an eight year illness and died when I was just about to turn 41. He was 75.

There's a saying: "Grief is the price we pay for love, and the more we love someone, the higher the price is when we lose them". It's very true.

I was 37 and my mum 79 … she had a good life but I still miss her like mad 💕

Mid 30s for my dad then early 40s for my mum,

did feel odd having no parents, sort of rootless.

Honestly it’s such a cliche but time is a great healer. I was so close to my mum, and when she died my whole world felt shattered but you just learn to cope because there is no alternative. It’s been over 10 years now and I think of her from time to time but she is not constantly on my mind the way she was the first couple of years after she died. Sorry for what you are going through but you will get through it x

She died on my 36th birthday.
I can’t say how I coped, not that well if I remember.
DD was 11 so I just threw myself into looking after her. She adored her grandma.

Sending you all hugs. I feel blessed to be nudging 60 with both my parents still alive and in good health.