Hi everyone,
I’ve just come back and re-read all the posts and it’s brought tears to my eyes - in a good way. What lovely people you all are. I’ve been able to take in all the suggestions for books, poems and groups, which I probably didn’t completely register at the time.
We’re 4 months in now and things are constantly changing. I can do nice things, or see friends or take my daughter shopping and it’s do-able…exhausting and so much effort, and with a constant background of grief, but do-able. Other days, I’m floored by grief, or depressed or just want to shut out the world.
We managed a trip to visit family abroad this month. It was hard, as somewhere we’ve been so often as a family of four, but I’m glad we did it. My daughter had a lovely time in the sun, co-ordinating her summer outfits and eating her body weight in seafood. I’m realizing it’s better (for me) to go to the places that are so strongly linked with Thomas, rather than avoid them. I haven’t managed to go back to our favourite coffee shop though…I think I’d sob my heart out.
I was so worried about forgetting things about Thomas so I’ve left a notebook and pen in his room and every so often I go in there and write down things I remember, from his whole life.
Strange as this sounds, we have been so lucky with those around us and involved in Thomas’ death. I have a GP who called me every week. We don’t have inquests in Scotland, instead a report is sent to the Procurator Fiscal who then get the post mortem results and police report and decide if a crime has been committed (just a formality in our case). The Assistant ti the PF called us to see how we were and explain everything, sent us useful resources and updated us at every turn. The child protection unit (always called in these cases) were so supportive and lovely, accompanied my boy to the post mortem and told me to call anytime. When we were able to get his possessions back, one of them spent an hour with me, chatting, answering questions and just being so kind and human.
Our region will have a review next month with everyone involved in Thomas’ life and death…his gp, the school, the procurator fiscals office, emergency services, to review all the processes and whether something should have been done differently and check that nothing needs to changed or improved. I think that’s so valuable.
This is a bit of a stream of consciousness really, prompted by @fingfong , @ExerciseBikeTelly and @MyFragility. Thanks for checking up on me.
It’s still raw, still unbelievable and still so bloody hard. It’ll always be hard snd I can see it’ll take a long while to figure out how I live this new life.