My lovely boy is gone

[Rainbowdrop22]

This is awful and I’m not sure how I get through the next second, never mind the next minute or year or the rest of my life.

My son was just short of 17 years old and took his own life 3 weeks ago. The pain is getting worse every day. He’d had some mental health issues but we only started to become aware of them at the beginning of February and only a week before he died were we concerned to the point of calling the school, his Dr etc.

He was clever and funny and thoughtful and lovely. I told him this all the time. He was a teenager so of course he was also patronizing, moody and thought he knew everything.

I’ll never understand it and I just want to scream. I want him back here with me. I want my boy.

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you and your family x

I am so sorry to read this .. your huge love for him comes across in your post

I'm just about learning to live with a family suicide. I really feel for you and can only advise that things like eating and sleeping do get better with time but the heartbreak goes on. Maybe it was a sudden suicidal urge that is quite common in young people. You feel as if your heart has been ripped out at the moment but keep putting one foot in front of the other and be selfish about doing whatever helps you. It might be therapy or medication but for me I think it's just time. Please know that you are not alone.

I am sad and heartbroken for you. Your Son was clearly very, very loved and please know that he knew that.

I just feel that sometimes, a special person comes into your life and makes it heaven. Sometimes that same person is simply too special to stay for too long.

I cannot imagine your pain.
But every day you will feel different and every day things will change.

You are going through hell, I can feel that. One day in the future you will be able to sit with it but not right now.

Just know, your beautiful boy loved - and was loved. You could never have changed any of this.

I'm holding you in my heart 💔

Sending love and thinking about you x

Thinking of you, and your beautiful boy, @Rainbowdrop22 x

Hi everyone,

I got a bit overwhelmed after I posted originally and I stepped back from social media, this forum, even texts and what’s apps.

I’m now nearly 5 weeks in and we had the funeral a week ago. I wish my son could have seen how his friends decorated the hall with flags and photos and put flowers in science beakers, how many people showed up, how many nice things were said about him. I think he’d have been blown away.

It still seems unreal. I spend my day binge watching Netflix with my 14 year old daughter. We had lots of family and friends around but we asked them all to give us space. I don’t want to talk about my son and I don’t have anything else to talk about. I’m playing crappy games on my phone and trying to learn to crochet and making earrings with my daughter. I want to just stay in my living room and pretend the outside world isn’t there. Every so often I go upstairs and cry and scream and beg for my son to come back.

I love my daughter so much and she’s the only thing keeping me going. But my god, just being awake is so bloody hard.

Holding you in my thoughts x

I hope you gained some comfort from all of those people @Rainbowdrop22. What a lovely tribute.

Take care xx

Hello I’m so sorry to hear about your son. I lost my son two years ago. Have you contacted compassionate friends? You can find their amazing website and there is a group for people who have lost their children to suicide. I have found them really supportive. Sending lots of love.

Oh my dear. Just putting one foot in front of the other is a mammoth achievement. One minute, one hour, and one day at a time.

Thinking of you. Take care.

I’ll look them up, thank you

Also, I’m so sorry for the loss of your son :(

Just wanted to say that I was here to hear about your lovely son. I'm so sorry. He was so very loved, that is so clear. One foot in front of the other.

So sorry for your loss. I know there are no words on here that can make you feel differently about this awful situation but i couldn’t read your post and not comment.

From everything you have said you are such a lovely mum, your daughter is lucky to have you by her side while she is going through this too.

I'm so sorry, my ds is not much older & has MH problems, it is the one thing I was always terrified of. You didn't cause it, it isn't your fault & there is nothing you could have done to stop it happening. If they are determined to do it, nothing will stop them. Speak to the organisations that have been quoted & be kind to yourself.

I'm so sorry OP and again adding to the reams of posters sending you love.

Have a Google of Johnnys Happy Place if you can, it's a charity set up by an amazing mum of a young man who also committed suicide here in Northampton some years ago now and they do lovely work.

Remember that whatever you're feeling moment to moment is totally normal and there is no right way to grieve something like this. X

Thank you for this. I called Cruse one day and the woman on the line told me about this charity but I couldn’t remember the name after I hung up. That’s really helpful

We're still all thinking of you xxxx

I often think of you Rainbowdrop22 i can only imagine the pain you and your family are going through 💔

Thanks, both of you. It’s hard, really, really hard. Reality still hasn’t completely sunk in and we’re trying to navigate our way around this new life. We miss our boy so much but almost worse is the loss of seeing what he would have become and the ‘what if’s’ of how I could have stopped him.

i signed up to Grief Works and have the app, which I’d recommend highly. It gives me something concrete to do every day, with small exercises to help with high emotion, guilt etc etc.

@Rainbowdrop22 , thinking of you a lot.

I'm glad Grief Works is helpful.

What ifs are horrific - and always misrepresent the situations that you were dealing with at the time. You love your boy, and you did your absolute best for him. The awful "what if"/guilt black holes you can get sucked don't represent reality. But I know they hurt like hell.

Sending love.

Hi @Rainbowdrop22 just wanted to drop a wee line to say hello and we're still thinking about you. Hope you're doing okay. Sending love xx

Still thinking of you, @Rainbowdrop22

@Rainbowdrop22 - sending you much love. The first 6 months are so very hard. Please do whatever you need and whatever time you need to get through each day.

Grief is like waves - it can knock you sideways on some days and other days are just about bearable. It doesn't get easier with time - it just changes. Your life and your family's life will never be the same. It is likely that you will even lose some friends and even some family members who cannot cope with your loss and are unable to hold you. It is not you. When you lose a child, we represent people's very worst fears, magnified by a society which does not openly talk about death - much less suicide.

I found, and still do, that The Compassionate Friends charity are very supportive and a lifeline. Being among other bereaved parents who really understand what you are going through. They have a helpline, retreats and local groups which you can contact. Although I have amazing friends, there are certain things I will only ever share with other bereaved parents.

I also found poems by Donna Ashworth of great comfort. You can hear her simple yet powerful poems on Facebook for no charge.