My lovely boy is gone

[Rainbowdrop22]

This is awful and I’m not sure how I get through the next second, never mind the next minute or year or the rest of my life.

My son was just short of 17 years old and took his own life 3 weeks ago. The pain is getting worse every day. He’d had some mental health issues but we only started to become aware of them at the beginning of February and only a week before he died were we concerned to the point of calling the school, his Dr etc.

He was clever and funny and thoughtful and lovely. I told him this all the time. He was a teenager so of course he was also patronizing, moody and thought he knew everything.

I’ll never understand it and I just want to scream. I want him back here with me. I want my boy.

You didn’t fail him. Your love for your darling boy shines out through your posts and he sounds an infinitely loveable child.

It is very hard but sometimes we cannot protect our children even though we’d willingly offer up every breath of our own to save them.

One minute at a time. Take care.

I'm so sorry OP. He really sounds to have been the very definition of lovely, and you clearly had a very close relationship. I'm completely heartbroken for you, and am holding you in my thoughts so much. There is nothing you could have done xx

I’m so deeply sorry.

I enjoyed hearing about him and everything you mention describes a kind, caring mother.

You must be heartbroken and my own heart goes out to you.

I’m so sorry for your loss. Can’t even imagine how heartbreaking that must be.

if you can focus on reading, or maybe later on, this is a very powerful book by a Danish author who also lost her young son to suicide.

https://coffeehousepress.org/products/when-death-takes-something-from-you-give-it-back

friends of mine who lost their children have found it a good read. Not that anything in this earth can take your pain away. My deepest sympathy.

I am so sorry for your heartbreak and the loss of your dearest sweet boy. I can only offer words and they will mean nothing to you now.

I hope you have support and strong loving people surrounding you. I’m thinking of you.

I’m so so sorry OP - he sounds like a wonderful boy and your love for him is clear to see. Three weeks is no time at all - just take it one day/hour/minute at a time x

@Rainbowdrop22 I'm so very, very sorry. Your boy sounds absolutely lovely.

A decade ago, my sister took her own life young, so although I won't pretend to understand all of this, I've seen my parents' grief (as well as my own, of course), and speak with my mum almost every day, always involving my sister.

Nothing new here, but in case there's anything of use:

• You didn't cause this. Whatever you did as a parent, there would ALWAYS be something you could use to blame yourself for. You loved your boy, and you did your best. That's as much as any parent can do. My parents were and are incredible, loving, caring parents, and it happened to them, too. Along the way, we've met lots of other incredible, loving parents this has happened to, as well. You're not alone, and it isn't your fault.
• Some people will surprise you by understanding. Others will surprise you by not understanding. It will be hard to predict who's going to be in which camp in your current group of friends. Try not to dwell on the ones who aren't helpful. There will be others who are more amazing that you'd have predicted, and you're likely also to meet other people - new friends - who truly do stand alongside you.
• There will be times when you don't think you can survive the level of pain. You'll discover that you can survive it, and that there will be breaks in it. Allow yourself to use the breaks to recuperate.
• At some point, as well as the grief (which will never go away, of course), there will be space to experience other things alongside it. Even happiness. What people will tell you about finding a more comfortable place to carry the grief is true.
• Your son is still with you. He's a part of you. You're a part of him. Inseparable and always there.

@Rainbowdrop22 - again, I'm so, so sorry. Sending love.

I am so so sorry for the loss of your son truly heartbreaking to read 💔 be gentle with yourself this is not your fault I only wish he had been able to reach out to someone 💔

I know I’m not replying to everyone individually, but please know that I’m reading all replies and taking in every suggestion or piece of advice - everything.

You are lovely, lovely people. I’m so touched that so many complete strangers have taken the time to post and comment. It means everything.

Please accept any support you're offered, particularly from any specialist bereavement by suicide services available in your area. It's a grief like no other.

Take things one minute at a time and allow yourself to feel.

I am so sorry for your family's loss.

I'm glad this thread is helping a tiny bit. There are lots of us who know that it could be us at any point. Again, this isn't your fault and I am so so sorry xxx

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your lovely son. He sounds such a lovely person, chatty and thoughtful and very sweet making you cups of tea.

It must all be unfathomable now. It's an absolute tragedy because we need more of the likes of him, thoughtful kind people around us in this world. I'm so sorry again. Do you have any idea what set it off? No need to answer or reply, only if you feel like it's OK to write about it. I suppose it scares me to think that this could be my son or daughter. We're all only a few weeks away from something like this ourselves. You just never know what will turn someone's mind. Big hugs to you. So very sorry again.

Hey @Rainbowdrop22 I hope you're OK today. I know you won't be 'fine' for a long time, but I hope you're coping ... I like the name of that book @Goldfishonabike posted about 'when death takes something from you, give it back.' May be worth looking at. It's about a woman who also lost her young son. Take care of yourself.

I am sending a hug - you did not cause this, please remember that. So sad for you.

I'm so very sorry for your loss. He sounds like a wonderful boy and you sound like a lovely mum. As others have said, your love for your son shines through in your posts. Please don't blame yourself, there is no way we can know exactly what is going through someone's mind, no matter how hard we try.

I’m so very sorry! No wise words but please reach out for some help from a counsellor or a professional. Please do look after yourself…

I'm so sorry for your loss. My heart truly breaks for you. Your son sounds like a wonderful person and his passing is an absolute tragedy. I'm sending you so much love and strength and pray you can find a way to heal and cope with this terrible situation.

I’m so, so sorry for your loss. Your boy sounds wonderful. You will be in my thoughts x

You did not fail him, you raised an amazing human being who had inner demons that were too strong for him. It sometimes happens, and not even a mothers love is enough to destroy them before they destroy the person whose soul they have chosen to take.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Your love for him is obvious even through these posts. It must have been obvious to him too. It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship and he felt comfortable to be himself with you.

No one ever knows exactly what is going on in someone else's mind. It's just not possible. Please don't feel that you failed him. We are all just making it up as we go along as parents. None of us can ever be sure our actions are the right ones all the time. I'm sure he knew you acted with love always.

His life has been horribly cut short, but it sounds as though it was filled with love and he was supported and encouraged. It's all you could have done.

I am so sorry for your loss.

Hi Op. Im so very sorry for your terrible loss. As someone who has been experiencing suicidal ideation recently, I want to pass on to you, sincerely, that this is not your fault. You can have a perfect life, and be suicidal. Genuinely. It’s not about how good your life is, or the people in it. It’s mostly a brain chemistry thing. You did not cause it. You are clearly a brilliant loving mum of a most wonderful boy. Really, he sounds just lovely and I’m so sorry for you. He won’t have meant to cause anyone else pain. He just probably felt like there was no other option in that moment. Im so very sorry for your loss.

My heart goes out to you What an awful loss, I am so very sorry.

Love and hugs sweetheart xxx