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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

My lovely boy is gone

183 replies

Rainbowdrop22 · 07/04/2024 13:28

This is awful and I’m not sure how I get through the next second, never mind the next minute or year or the rest of my life.

My son was just short of 17 years old and took his own life 3 weeks ago. The pain is getting worse every day. He’d had some mental health issues but we only started to become aware of them at the beginning of February and only a week before he died were we concerned to the point of calling the school, his Dr etc.

He was clever and funny and thoughtful and lovely. I told him this all the time. He was a teenager so of course he was also patronizing, moody and thought he knew everything.

I’ll never understand it and I just want to scream. I want him back here with me. I want my boy.

OP posts:
TheWeatherIsShite · 07/04/2024 23:00

Rainbowdrop22 · 07/04/2024 22:33

Thank you, thank you, thank you so much, all of you.

From my living room window I can see life going by - everyone walking their dogs or going to school or heading up to the high street to do their shopping. Everyone looks so normal and I’m here, broken-hearted, knowing the whole town is talking about us, finding it hard to leave the house. I feel so isolated.

Posting on here is the first thing I’ve done that’s given me just a little bit of comfort. I’ve called Cruse, I’ve been in touch with SOBS, my GP has been lovely, but it’s all been a bit hollow.

I remember thinking I wanted the world’s bus to stop and let me get off to rest a bit when I lost my brother. It was as if everyone else’s life continued but mine just stopped, it was as if I was existing, feeling sometimes but mostly feeling numb, it’s such a horrible lost feeling.

I hear you @Rainbowdrop22 as will many others on here. You’re not alone, although I know it feels that way right now. Grieving is a long very slow process, there’s no quick fix unfortunately, it’s like a process you go through and everyone’s process is different. There’s no right or wrong, there’s no timeframe and the waves of grief still catch me unaware many days but that’s ok.

I’m so sorry for the loss of your son Flowers

SabreIsMyFave · 07/04/2024 23:00

Awww, how sad. 😢 I am really sorry @Rainbowdrop22 What awful sad news. I have no words. What a shock it must be. He was so young too. Take care of yourself. Flowers

Houseplantmad · 07/04/2024 23:06

This has made me cry - it’s so sad, and you both sound so lovely - I can’t begin to imagine what you are going through. I am glad you have support but it will take a long time for you to come to terms with the shock of this, so keep the support in place. Take care.

Bringonthesunforthewashing · 07/04/2024 23:06

Oh my lovely, I am so very very sorry to hear about your son.

please please keep posting here for support, we are all here for you xxxx

hmb255 · 07/04/2024 23:14

I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family. Your son sounds like he was a great person. Make sure you all take care of each other during this very difficult time xx

Hollywolly1 · 07/04/2024 23:16

I am so sorry for the pain you are feeling

TextureSeeker · 07/04/2024 23:19

I'm so sorry for you loss. A girl in my sons year at school took her own life recently, she was the same age as your son. I just wanted to say that the only thing people talked about was our sadness at a young life gone and our sadness for the family left behind. Absolutely nobody blamed the parents or gossiped in a horrible way, everybody was(and still are) just incredibly sad about everything. The death of a young person reverberates around the whole community, nobody will be will be wishing you anything but love ❤️

fearfulexchange · 07/04/2024 23:20

I am so very sorry for your loss x

NellyCortado · 07/04/2024 23:23

Sending you much love and strength. I'm so incredibly sorry to hear this and thinking of you.

ToMissAdventure · 07/04/2024 23:26

I don’t have the right words but I want to say I am so very sorry for your loss. I loved your description of your son and it must be utterly heart wrenching he is not here with you. I hope you are getting support to help you through this very difficult time. I am so so sorry this has happened.

HalfasleepChrisintheMorning · 07/04/2024 23:29

I’m so sorry for your loss.

Sayearlgrey · 07/04/2024 23:47

Thinking of you. So very sorry to hear about the loss of your lovely boy.

Mystic94 · 07/04/2024 23:54

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my younger brother to suicide 7 years ago, he'd just turned 18.

At the time, there were no signs. But in hindsight, they were all there. Isolating himself, awake all night and sleeping all day, avoiding speaking to anyone.

None of this is your fault, and if someone is determined to take their life then nothing will stop them. It's a decision they've made, and it's like a weight has been lifted. I struggled with anger towards him, how dare he, how selfish. But now I'm out of the grief cycle, I realise that he wasn't selfish. He was so mentally unwell that he was convinced he was doing us a favour, and he was a burden and couldn't go on any more, as he wrote in his note. None of it was true, but depression and desperation took over his mind.

I remember the early days so clearly, I was in autopilot. I couldn't accept or even believe it, I just kept thinking I'd hear from him soon or he's just gone on holiday. It wasn't until the funeral a month later that it slapped me in the face and I had to practically be carried out of the chapel, I couldn't walk, riddled with anxiety and grief and my legs turned to jelly.

Others who'd been through it told me it won't always feel this painful, and I didn't believe them. I didn't see how I could possibly move on or be happy again without my brother. But in time, it will feel less raw. You'll be able to be reminded of him and it make you happy and not burst into tears. Memories of your son, happier times. His interests, his life and so on. You learn to live with it, you never get over it, but the pain settles.

Look after yourself, don't feel pressured to do anything you don't want to do. If you want to surround yourself with people or throw yourself into something to distract you then that's fine. It's also fine to lie in bed and scream and cry. Whatever gets you through the next minute, next hour, next day. Baby steps.

Once again, I'm so sorry you're going through this. It truly is the most painful thing to experience and live with.

caringcarer · 07/04/2024 23:59

I hear your pain but also the huge love you have for your son. He loved you. He showed you every time he made you a cup of tea. Hold on tight to your DD and DH and cc one through this together. 💐

Beatrixpotts · 08/04/2024 00:04

No words, just love. Please look after yourself. I'm so sorry x

Rainydayinlondon · 08/04/2024 00:05

Rainbowdrop22 · 07/04/2024 16:04

Thank you, everyone. I do have support, thank god. I have a younger daughter and my husband, and family are taking turns looking after us.

My son was science-mad and had his whole further education and career planned out, down to which city he wanted to live in. He read all the time and he talked like a 50 year old. Sometimes I think I treated him as older than he was because he spoke like some old professor.

He was really thoughtful - always making me a cup of tea when I was vegging out after work, he was witty and sharp and good company. I loved going with him to our nearest bookshop and coffee shop and buying too many books and eating cake.

He was a complete space cadet (like me) and he felt things very deeply, but didn’t often let it show.

Im questioning everything about being his mum now. Was I too strict? Not strict enough? Too critical? I think I was probably too controlling and didn’t make him feel like he could be himself. I know he compartmentalised everything and I feel like we’ll never know why he did this. All I know is, I’m his mum. I’m meant to protect him and not let him come to harm and I’ve failed him utterly.

17 year olds can be very volatile and you must NEVER blame yourself. You sound as if you had a wonderful relationship with him and were very close which makes it even more tragic. My heart truly bleeds for you. One can never know what is really going on in someone else's head.
Sending deepest condolences xx

Mumtoboys82 · 08/04/2024 00:05

Oh OP I’m so sorry, I can hear how heartbroken you are and I wish I could give you a hug. Your son sounds like a really lovely lad, and you must have had a wonderful relationship. A teenage lad going for cake and book shopping with his mum! That’s amazing and just shows how much he adored being with you. Remember that when you start to question if you should/could have done anything differently. 💐

TiredMum30 · 08/04/2024 00:07

I'm so very sorry for your loss 💐❤️

Lovepeaceunderstanding · 08/04/2024 00:18

@Rainbowdrop22 , I can’t begin to imagine your pain. I am so, so sorry for your loss. It wasn’t your fault and I doubt your darling boy would want you to think it was. My dear aunt experienced this with my cousin, she has recently died but she is the person I always aspired to be like, outside influences got her boy. When you are ready it may help you to find an organisation/forum which brings together people who have similarly suffered. Lean on those who love you as they may need to lean on you.
Sending you a warm and caring hug. X

Luna42 · 08/04/2024 00:21

Your boy sounds absolutely wonderful, I am so sorry for your loss. It will have been a momentary impulse, and he wasn't thinking rationally. In that way I see it as a kind of accident of the mind, that tragically happens with teenage boys especially. You obviously loved him so much, he knew that. It was nothing you did as a parent.
I am going to the funeral of a teenage boy tomorrow, a dear friend of my sons and the whole family. We are all heartbroken and like your son, he too was sweet, kind, funny and caring.
Sending you love. Please be compassionate to yourself, from other friends who have lost children I know this grief feels so painful, you will be exhausted and empty. Do whatever is right for you and your family.
Every parent of teens, especially those with any mental health struggles ( like me) fears this loss. It could be any of us, and I am so so sorry it has happened xx

LifeExperience · 08/04/2024 00:22

I'm so sorry, OP. You are going through the worst pain a mum can. I hope and pray that you find some peace.

Penguinsa · 08/04/2024 00:23

I am so sorry for your lovely boy and you.

16 is such a difficult age with GCSEs, A levels, relationships starting and the after effects of lockdown. He sounds a bit similar to my boy who has been diagnosed with alexithymia and autism but is like a little professor but cannot tell you if say he was being bullied, which is what they suspect happened to my son, and can only experience emotions at 0,1 and 9,10 so you would not have had much warning and it sounds like you sought help as soon as you knew. I am sorry the help he needed did not come in time. You clearly loved him and did your best. I hope you can all get support with this incredibly painful time.

warmheartcoldfeet · 08/04/2024 00:34

He loves you, you love him. It will never change.
I honestly think that some souls are just too lovely for this world and they move on quickly. While he was here he knew you loved him. He still knows.
I'm so sorry, you must feel like you're breaking in two. Your daughter loves and needs you and has lost her brother. Just keep hugging each other, stay close, keep talking, cry when you want to but also give yourself a break when you can and grab some fresh air and scenery Flowers

crumblingschools · 08/04/2024 00:59

I am so sorry 💐

BlurpBlorp · 08/04/2024 09:26

OP I wish I had some magic words. I'm just so sorry for the loss of your perfect, beautiful boy 💔the way you describe him, he sounds absolutely wonderful. You might never make sense of what has happened but I hope the love and all the wonderful memories are a comfort. Please look after yourself. I hope you feel all the love surrounding you on your thread. Mumsnet at its finest 💝

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