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Original poster

Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
PenelopePitstops · 14/03/2008 14:36

feedmenow no advice but so so sory for you loss x

MaryAnnSingleton · 14/03/2008 14:37

Look at the Natural Death Centre website,will see if I can find it...so sorry for your sad loss feedmenow

Hassled · 14/03/2008 14:38

I'm so so sorry - what an awful thing to have to go through. My thoughts will be with you.

Talk to your local Funeral Directors - they will have had experience of this and will give advice. Never been in your position but sorting funeral for my father they were amazingly helpful and supportive.

Nicecupofwine · 14/03/2008 14:41

I am so sorry for your loss. I lost my baby when she was 3 weeks old. It is a dreadful time for you. My advice is to contact the local funeral director who will be compassionate with your situation and will be able to advise on coffins and the next step to take. We had our baby cremated and her ashes are buried in the baby garden of the crematorium. Any other questions you have I will try to answer for you. It is such a distressing time, just take one step at a time.

MaryAnnSingleton · 14/03/2008 14:41

here
A friend's child died a few days after his birth and I suggested a memorial card to be given to friends and family, maybe at the funeral or just afterwards- something to keep and remember him by. I designed it for them and drew the little soft toy that they'd got for him - they wrote the words which gave his dates and name and a few words about his very short life and how much he meant to them.

tomps · 14/03/2008 14:44

Good luck during this horribly sad and difficult time for you. Our son was stillborn at 42 weeks 3 years ago. We chose a natural burial site in Hampshire, where we buried our baby and planted a cherry tree over his grave. There was just me, my partned and our older child present, but they do have a room you can use for family/friends, you can have a wake there, or whatever you want to do really. It is a beautiful site, very peaceful, and for us this seemed the most 'positive' way to deal with such an awful thing to have to do. There is an organisation called the Natural Death Centrewhich has advice, and a list of natural burial sites can be found here
Best wishes.

luckylady74 · 14/03/2008 14:44

I'm so sorry for you and i have no experience, but i do know that when my dad died we went to the nearest funeral directors( it was a local firm in the nearest small town) and they sorted most things out - i have no idea if they were good because nothing to compare with(we just wanted to sort it) - they gave us the number of the humanist man because he wasn't religious and the service happened at the crematorium and then we held a wake at a hotel function room.

I don't think there's any right or wrong in this situation and I hope you have lots of support - talking is the only help imho

hazygirl · 14/03/2008 14:45

my dp arranged my grandsons funeral, we used a local one who was so wonderful and helpful,they sorted out such a lot as we had never had to do anything like this before.im so sorry x

nomoremagnolia · 14/03/2008 14:45

feedmenow So sorry for your loss.
No advice I'm afraid, just couldn't ignore your post when I 'recognised' you from the hut. Can the hospital put you in touch with any support groups who might be able to help with practical things like the funeral/memorial as well as your own grief? I am thinking of you xxxx

Moomin · 14/03/2008 14:52

So very sorry, fmn.
I really don't know what I can say that might be of any use at the moment, but a dear friend died at the end of last year and she had a woodland burial in a wicker coffin. It somehow made the whole thing more 'natural' if you know what I mean and it was comforting knowing that she was going back to the earth. I have no idea if this would be something you would be able to consider... I think maybe when you've spoken to a few more people that have experienced this, you might find an option you feel is 'right'.

Much love xx

Califrau · 14/03/2008 15:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChipButty · 14/03/2008 15:42

So sorry. I wish you the strength to cope with this horrendous time. xx

chinchi · 14/03/2008 15:43

Im so sorry for your loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers

harpsichordcarrier · 14/03/2008 15:47

feedmenow, I am very sorry for your loss.
I helped my dsis with funeral arrangements for her baby. it really is incredibly difficult thing to do, and I wish you strength.
there is no hurry at all, and you should not feel pressured to arrange a funeral until you are ready.
you could think about having a small, private burial or cremation, perhaps just with a small group, if you would prefer that.
a funeral director will be able to help you.
do you go to church? your local vicar would be a good person to talk to, if that would help.
ime it really helps to have something personal. do you have any photographs? have you asked for a lock of hair?
sending love
HC xx

elesbells · 14/03/2008 15:49

so sorry xx

Piffle · 14/03/2008 16:16

I am so sorry feedmenow. Is there someone at somewhere like SANDS that could offer guidance? Perhaps they have forums or people who have been through this heartbreak as well? Am thinking out loud. I hope you find the right thing for your family.

MaryAnnSingleton · 14/03/2008 16:17

when my brother died ( he was 10) he was cremated and I didn't go to the funeral - consequently there was never a grave or place to visit which was very sad for me - I think that would have helped. As feedmenow says there is little if nothing remaining after a babe is cremated so no=thing to keep/scatter...somehow a grave is more tangible - wicker coffin is a lovely idea - maybe filled with nice things like blanket, flowers,toy,a letter from you,photograph...

harpsichordcarrier · 14/03/2008 16:18

wicker caskets are very beautiful. my friend had flowers woven into the wicker for her dh. it was a real comfort to look at it.

vio · 14/03/2008 18:11

Feedmenow, very very sorry to hear your story. I have experience, unfortunately, James passed away at 4 1/2 months.

We used co-operative funeral, in fact, it was the hospice who organised most for us. I have to say that I am very glad that I found the courage to place James in his tiny coffin myself. I felt right, I looked after from the day i found out I was pregnant and I looked after him till the end.

Make sure you do what you want from your heart, everything, from your heart for your beautiful little girl.

We also cremated James, althought they did warn us that there might not be any but in fact we did have quite a bit left. Make sure you choose everything for her from your heart. Love & hugs x

zeebee · 18/03/2008 11:00

feedmenow, I am so sorry. Is there anyone who can recommend a funeral director to you? We had specific recommendations for a fd with experience of dealing with children's funerals, however I am sure they are all as good. If you cannot face it, can anyone phone a local church office for you to get some feedback or phone a couple of funeral directors for you to get a feel for them.

You will find people are so helpful and kind in this situation.

Choosing your child's coffin is one of the most surreal and painful decisions. I too could not bear to see my daughter in a coffin and the funeral director kindly rigged up a bed in the chapel of rest when we visited as they did not have a cot. However it did help to see the coffin separatley before the funeral - somehow this made it less of a shock.

I agree with vio, whatever you do, do what feels right for you and your daughter, not anyone else. There really is also no rush at all, the time must be right for you.

You may find it helpful to write a letter to your daughter which you or someone else could read out at the funeral if you wish. I'm sure you have lots to say about your precious girl. Take care and be kind to yourself.

halster · 19/03/2008 08:41

So very very sorry. . There is a book called "We need to talk about the funeral" which has lots of beautiful and non-traditional ideas on how to organise a funeral. My thoghts are with you. x

Bouncingturtle · 19/03/2008 08:58

Feedmenow - I have no advice to offer, but just wanted to say I'm so so sorry for you loss
My heart is just breaking for you.
Lots of love to you and your family and to your precious Eris.

justjules · 19/03/2008 09:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LedodgyCheapEasterEggsAreASin · 19/03/2008 09:16

so very, very sorry. x

WanderingTrolley · 19/03/2008 09:24

Oh feedmenow how terribly tragic.
Poor you and your family and little Eris too. What a lovely name you gave her.

Are you doing all the arrangements yourself, or do you have someone to help you? You may find it overwhelming to do it all alone, or you may need to.

The hospital where Eris was born may have some information, perhaps a friend could call them for you? I say a friend because I can't imagine you'd want to hear the maternity ward in the background on the phone.

Yellow pages will list your nearest children's hospice. I'm certain they would be able to help, they would have a lot of experience with children's funerals and I can't imagine they wouldn't be helpful.

So so sorry for your loss.

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