Please help me with funeral arrangements

[feedmenow]

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

I am so sorry for your loss.
When my neice was stillborn at 40 weeks, we all put a little something in the coffin with her. Photos, letters, tiny teddys.
She was buried and I still occasionally visit her, my in laws go a few times a year too. Its a comfort for them, her own mum can't bare it.
She found it hard for people to talk to her, people didn't know what to say, a lot brushed it away and didn't acknowledge her. She would be 12 now, and my dd, who is 9, knows her name, knows what happened and has been to her grave. She is part of the family still. I agree with others that a place or a "thing" is needed to mark her life.

Feedmenow - so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and your family

i'm so sorry for your loss.we almost lost our ds2 at birth and i can only begin to imagine the heartache you are going through.

make sure you give yourself the time to decide what type of funeral is right for you and give yourself time and space to grieve for her.

it might be hard but have you taken any photos of her? im sorry but i havent read through all of the posts.i only say this as you might find it hard to do but if you haven't you might regret it after the funeral.

please make sure you ask for help from a trained councellor/family and friends to see you through this dreadful time. there is no shame in needing help, even with the little things like helping around the house.
it's too easy to pretend to the outside that you are coping when inside you're broken apart.

my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family and your little girl.

Thank you shabster.

I'm finding it quite difficult to talk about in RL. I finally saw my closest friends on Friday night and wasn't able to talk about Eris until I'd had a fair few drinks. I can talk to dp and dd but other than that I seem to have a bit of a block on. So it is nice to come here and see people offering their love and comfort and have a chance to shed a few tears.

Strange as well, that one of the friends I saw on Friday stayed over and told me the next morning that she'd heard me crying in the night. I wasn't awake so must have been crying in my sleep. And last night I woke at some point with my face all wet, so must have been crying again.

For some reason, today has been a bad day. From the moment I woke up I had a horrible feeling of emptiness, and of not knowing what to do with myself. I just wanted to crawl back into bed and stay there until everything had gone away. I can't believe my little baby girl is gone and is never coming back. My body is still making milk, still trying to feed a tiny baby. It just seems so cruel.

Just remembered, Cece yes she was born at St Peters. Am planning to ask the bereavement midwife for details of their counsellor next week. Not sure if that is the same as the Birth Reflections but plan to find out.

So sorry for your loss fmn. My thoughts are with you and your family. x

You and Eris are still in my thoughts, fmn. There is a homeopathic remedy that helps your milk drying up. How cruel for you to have to suffer that as well as everything else.

so very sorry

so sorry for your loss.

Good night my love - sleep well - if possible. Cry as much as you can.

Thinking of you, see you in the morning.

Morning love - just re read through the last few messages. I remember the 'crying in my sleep' thing - I did that for a long time. So what? I was as strong as an ox (outwardly) when my little boy was killed and it did my mental and physical body no good whatsoever. How I wish I had broke down and screamed and cried. There is nothing about the bereavement of a precious child that makes any sense whatsoever.

If you would like to e mail me at any time I can put my e mail address on for you. Not sure if I could be of any help to you but I really would listen and talk if you wanted me to.

Take care and try to enjoy today - there I go again with stupid words

I just found some words in a Compassionate Friends newsletter that may help.

Falling Apart

I seem to be falling apart
My attention span can be measured in seconds,
My patience in minutes, and I cry at the drop of a hat.
I forget things constantly,
The morning toast burns daily,
I forget to sign the cheques.
Half of everything in the house is misplaced.

Anxiety and restlessness are my constant companions
Rainy days seem extra dreary,
Sunny days seem an outrage.
Other people's pain and frustration seem insignificant.
Laughing, happy people seem out of place in my world.
It has become routine to feel half crazy.
I am normal, I am told....
I am a newly grieving person.

When I read those words I remember the horrible, early days.

Please let me know if I can help with anything xxxx

So sorry for your loss.

Yes birth reflections is the official name. The counsellor who I saw has just retired but the other two ladies are really lovely as well. You can phone them to do a home visit if they haven't already done so.

The things you are describing about the crying at night and not wanting to see anyone are all prefectly normal. My DH took me to the GP and I had some sleeping pills for a few nights to help me get through those initial weeks.

I keep thinking of you and your sweet Eris.

Feedme - So sorry I've only just seen your post. I too have no practical advice, but I just wanted to say that my thoughts are with you and your family at this horrible time. x

Shabster, those words are so true aren't they?

Cece, they told me someone called Anna was just about to/had just retired. Maybe that is who you saw? Did you have a home visit? The bereavement midwife told me that I'd be better going to the hospital. She said that way it would not "contaminate" my home. I thought that a bit odd as my home is already "contaminated" with our loss through the simple fact that I was full-term and had averything ready to bring a baby home too. Everywhere I look I am reminded of Eris. I think I will speak to the counsellor herself (am assuming it will be a woman...) and see what she says.

Tomorrow I will have to call the funeral director who, I assume, will have an update from St George's.Maybe we'll even get a date for the funeral. I think I've had this stupid idea before today that I'll be able to hold it together at the funeral, but today I suddenly realised that there is no chance of that and I'll be a gibbering, weeping wreck. I'm not ashamed to cry, but I'd just envisaged the day as being a celebration of her existance. I don't even know why I should care really. Oh, sorry, I am no just rambling on. I don't mean to, I suppose it's just nice to have somewhere to vent my feelings.

I so want this to come out right, please forgive me if I mess it up and it seems clumsy and wrong.

It seems to me that your grief is a celebration of Eris's existence. You will be crying at the funeral because you loved her so much, because she is a valauable piece of your family, of your heart.

Feedmenow, still thinking of you.

Yes I saw Anna and yes she did a home visit initially but tbh I preferred to see her at the hospital but she did let me make the decision. You need to ask for Zara. There is another lady called Micky but I'm not sure if she is a trained counsellor or not. CAT me if you'd like to talk some more.

NorthernL - dont worry I know exactly what you meant by your post and Im sure FMN will as well. xxxx

FeedMN - I know I can only help with words but I have a million of them to offer and a good listening ear for you as well.

Feedmenow I am so sorry for the loss of your beautiful daughter Eris. There is no right or wrong in any of this you just have to do what feels right for you/your family at the time. Hopefully you/your funeral directors will have some news from St Georges so can start finalizing your plans for the funeral.

For what is it worth I will tell you some of what I did after the death of my little boy aged 9 hours. I was told they did not embalm tiny babies but not sure if this is always the case. We did not have a postmortem as we knew why he had died so not sure how this affects things.

I chose an outfit for Benjamin and took a bag incl cotton wool, nappy, scissors to cut a lock of hair and something to put this in to the funeral directors chapel of rest. I asked for a bowl of warm water and bathed him and changed his nappy before dressing him. He was cold but not stiff as I had expected. They told me they usually have babies in moses baskets rather than caskets until the funeral. So I dressed him and wrapped him in a blanket and then sat and cuddled him before putting him back in his basket. I wanted to put things/presents in with him so I asked if I could place him into his casket myself and visited the night prior to the funeral to place him in his casket and place his gifts/toys/letters/photos in with him. I also took a photo of him in his casket, I wasn't sure if I wanted this or not but thought if I didn't have it I could never get it back. I also sat with him a while and wrote to him in a diary format what I was thinking and how he looked and what he was wearing more for his brothers benefit but it was actually quite cathartic. I have since taken comfort from rereading what I have written and only recently have been able to look at his photo whilst he was in his casket.

Kate2179 is right about the car/hearse at my DT1s funeral we had the coffin on a little stand in a normal person carrying funeral car. The casket goes where the middle row of seats is. I could not bear to see such a small coffin in a traditional hearse so chose to have him in with us. Myself Dh and DD all travelled in the car with him. At the church (we had a burial) DH carried the coffin rather than one of the funeral directors. I remember him saying he wanted to do something and he wanted to be the one to bear his son to his final resting place. It was surprisingly heavy when you consider the size/weight of a new baby. The funeral director offered us the choice as to whether we wanted to do this. I wasn't sure if DH would be able to do this so I had decided if he couldn't face it then I would but afterwards he told me I probably wouldn't have managed it.

We had flowers on the coffin but they had to be a smallish/delicate arrangement due to the size of the casket. The florist was very helpful in helping with this.

We also chose some music to be played in church but did not have any singing or eulogy. The vicar just said a few words.

You will find the professionals are unfortunately very competent in dealing with this sort of thing so use them that is what they are there for. Sorry if some of this seems a little practical or TMI but some of these things would have helped me know what to expect

Once again I am so sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself and allow yourself time to grieve. One thing that did shock me was DH and I grieved differently so do not expect to be the same as the other members of your family. You are grieving from the same loss but it may be in different ways. My HV likened it to expecting two ill people to be able to look after each other when they are ill at the same time, it is too difficult.

feedmenow - I am so so sorry for the loss of your darling Eris. I know that there are no words of comfort but you are all in my thoughts and prayers. Eris will live on in your hearts forever.
xxxxxx