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Original poster

Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
c4it · 19/03/2008 18:47

So sorry for your loss - my thoughts are with you.

DonDons · 19/03/2008 19:31

so sorry feedmenow {{{{{{{{{}}}}}}}} x

lissielouwithbunnyears · 19/03/2008 19:43

oh feedmenow, i wish i had the words my love, but im thinking of you and am here for you x

frasersmummy · 19/03/2008 19:44

I'm sorry I havent seen this post before now ...

our first little boy was stillborn almost 4 years ago.. so I know how horrid the whole ordeal is

I am sending you hugs and kisses.. if I can be of more practical help please let me know - we can talk outwith the board if you want

derah · 19/03/2008 20:19

Feedmenow - I'm so so sorry to hear about little Eris. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but please know my thoughts are with you.

I hope you managed to make funeral arrangements that did justice to your beautiful precious daughter.

biscuitbarrel · 19/03/2008 20:36

Feed Me, I have been a March lurker for a long time, but couldn't go past your post.

I know its not top of mind at the moment, but I really recommend that you try have some support around not just now, but at the one month, two month (and so on) anniversaries- these can be incredibly lonely times.

You have a wealth of support here xxx

3madboys · 19/03/2008 20:52

(((feedmenow))) thinking of you and your family, sending love and strength xxxxxxx

RIP little angel Eris xxxxxxxxxx

Coolmama · 19/03/2008 21:26

so very, very sorry you are going through this

SorenLorensen · 19/03/2008 21:30

I'm so very sorry for your loss.

marina · 19/03/2008 21:42

Feedmenow, I'm so sorry Eris died.
If she was born in hospital I am surprised the staff did not give you some guidance and support on arranging a funeral - or direct you to SANDS. They publish a practical and sensitively compiled booklet called "Saying Goodbye to Your Baby", and people at their helpline will be able to assist you. For example, they will have suggestions for Bible and secular readings, for prayers and blessings.
Following a campaign by SANDS, in many parts of the country an undertakers will not charge for a simple funeral for a baby, and most crematoria waive their charges too.
Some cemeteries have a special area dedicated to memorials and graves for children, and there is a National SANDS Garden of Remembrance in the National Arboretum at Alrewas in Staffordshire. You can sponsor a tree there if you wish.
Our son was stillborn before 24 weeks so we did not have to register his birth or death. At his funeral we had the reading from St Mark's Gospel about the little children coming to Jesus, and the woman who would have been his godmother sang a lullaby. We also had a poem by Elizabeth Jennings.
We had help from friends who had a similar experience some years before - we could NOT have done this alone.
You could do with some help in RL - a Hospital Chaplain, a Bereavement Midwife, a local priest or someone from SANDS.
We chose cremation for Thomas and knew there would be no ashes.
To remember him we have a crab-apple tree in the garden, and one of the piccolo pipes on a great English cathedral organ is dedicated in his memory.
I really wish there was someone with you to help you organise Eris' funeral. I hope SANDS can put you in touch with a local branch Befriender. XXX

tori32 · 19/03/2008 21:43

Hi feedmenow, words can't express how sorry I am to hear of your loss . I don't know about funeral arrangements but my cousin lost a baby who was still born at 8mths. She had photos of her ds taken, took hand and footprints and hair lock. She has kept them and has said they have been a comfort for her through the years.(it was a long time ago now.)
Thinking of you at this terrible time and wishing you the strength to cope xxxxx {{{{hug}}}}

splishsplosh · 19/03/2008 21:53

I'm so so sorry for your loss x

justjules · 19/03/2008 21:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onebatmother · 19/03/2008 22:00

Feedmenow, I'm so sorry to hear that Eris has died. What a beautiful name for your daughter.
I can't help, but I'm really thinking of you, and your family.

camillathechicken · 19/03/2008 22:00

feedmenow, i just want to offer my most sincere condolences to you and your family. I am so sorry that your precious daughter did not make it. the hospital should certainly be able to help you with this. i am sorry for the loss of your daughter ,Eris, it must be so hard to take in what has happened, i hope you get lots of real life support. definitely look at SANDS.

thinking of you and will say a prayer for Eris and for you

Lulumama

lilyloo · 20/03/2008 09:21

feedmenow i didn't realise you had posted this last Friday as the funeral may have already happened my thoughts are with you all at this time

shabster · 20/03/2008 09:34

just wanted to send my love and thoughts. Unfortunatly I am a bereaved mum as well. Please be kind to yourself - don't put on the 'brave face' - I did that and it truly does not work in the long term. Scream and cry, talk about your true feelings. There will always be someone on mumsnet who will be able to listen and help.

No death so sad as that of a child.........

cece · 20/03/2008 09:37

feedmenow - I have only just seen this.

So sorry to hear about the loss of your beautiful daughter Eris. My heart goes out to you and your family.

I am not sure if this of help but when we lost our daughter at 18 weeks we did have some ashes (in fact they are upstairs in my bedroom at the moment). It all depends on the crematorium and how they run their furnace apparently. Our local one shuts down overnight, so they cremate the babies at the end of the day when it is a bit cooler. Hence we were able to have her ashes. Sorry if this has upset you but it is something that I know can be very important to know. Even my bereavement midwife didn't know this.

We are going to get a bird bath for the garden for our duaghter. I didn't want a plant in case we moved/it died. I thought it would be nice to see the birds playing in Hope's birdbath and felt it would be of some comfart to me.

merryberry · 20/03/2008 09:37

Dear feedmenow, me and my family want to say how close in our thoughts your family are to us now. Your loss is so great, poor poor Eris.

I've lit a virtual candle for her here.

IF anyone else would like to light a candle, do feel free to click and follow the simple instructions.

taipo · 20/03/2008 09:41

I'm so sorry for your loss, feedmenow.

Thinking of you and your family.

honeybrown · 20/03/2008 09:45

Thinking of you FMN, your partner and Eris. x

shoshe · 20/03/2008 09:51

Oh Darling what a awful thing, to happen, my heart goes out to you all.

When this happened to me, with first my son then my daughter, the hospital, contacted everybody needed, (it was all a blur, I must admit).
They were born at different hospital, in different counties, ten years apart, but the funeral dirctors, arranged for them to be together.

Has the hospital, told you anything.

We had a councillor, who helped us through it.

shabster · 20/03/2008 09:55

How sad - all the bereaved mums on this thread already - I will never, ever know why - why a precious child - just why really

kate2179 · 20/03/2008 10:04

Feedmenow I'm so sorry to hear your news. I haven't read all of the posts so I'm sorry if I'm repeating what others have said. My father is a funeral director (family business started by my greatgrandfather) and now my husband works for him. You have probably already made arrangements by now, but if you would like to talk to them please do let me know. I am sure they would help you.
When they have to do a funeral for a baby, which thankfully isn't very often, there are a number of things they do to make it as bearable as possible for the family. Fot instance they don't have to use the hearse, the coffin (which you can choose) can go in the car with you if you'd prefer, on a little stand that they put in. There should be ashes for you to take if you decide on a cremation, so please don't worry about that.
There are other things I could say, but I suspect nothing that will really make any difference. Please do let me know if you'd like to speak to either of them, their number is 01489 885525 and we are in Hampshire.
Sending love to you and your family, Kate xxx

bunnyrabbit · 20/03/2008 10:06

Feedmenow. I have no experience or words of wisdom to offer. I just wanted to pass on my deep sorrow at your loss.

BR

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