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Original poster

Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
shabster · 25/03/2008 09:42

morning FMN - just checking in with you and hoping..........well, dont know why I put hoping! I know it feels a hopeless time at the moment. Sat here staring at the screen and not knowing what else to put. Charleymouse - so sorry for your loss

I remember thinking I was the only one in the entire world who had ever felt the grief and pain of the loss of a child. Somehow it opens your eyes to other peoples sadness when you are on a thread like this.

Also agree CMouse - with the different grieving of the mum and dad. My husband just fell apart and had a breakdown after both our boys died. I became manic and outwardly very light hearted and SOOOOOO mad that he 'left me' to grieve in a much more spectacular manner than I did. That sounds weird typed out. I was the 'strong one' but I didn't want to be. It has been many years but now we talk about it - not often - but we do talk.

Early days FMN - will be here for you next week, next year etc etc. Grief changes over time and can jump up and bite you on the bum when you least expect it.

Thinking of all bereaved mummies today

hazygirl · 25/03/2008 10:07

thinking of you, x and thanks shabster i got in touch with compassionate friends ,thanks,love to you xx

shabster · 25/03/2008 10:16

Hope that Compassionate Friends can help Hazygirl. They are a tremendous bunch of mums and dads - just trying to help each other. Newly bereaved all the way through to 20 years plus.

You will be amazed at, sadly, how many people are part of that group and also how many more would benefit from their friendship and support.

Original poster
feedmenow · 25/03/2008 12:48

Hello all, thanks for being here still.

Charley, thank you for sharing your story with me.

Northernlurker, that didn't seem clumsy or wrong at all, thank you.

Dp spoke to FD today. They have been told by St George's to call back on Friday so still no progress with the funeral. Last week I was happy to wait, I think because it meant I did not really have to face up to it all. Now I don't like the waiting - we're going to have to do it eventually and the waiting is just prolonging the pain.

There is info on the SaNDS website about a Canadian lady who retouches photos of stillborns so that you can proudly show them off to others. I emailed her some pictures of eris last week and I've had them back today. They are fantastic. One in particular shows just how perfectly beautiful she is. Funny how you can feel so proud yet so heart broken at the same time.

OP posts:
MerlinsBeard · 25/03/2008 12:53

((((((((((((feedmenow)))))))))))

lilyloo · 25/03/2008 13:27

feedmenow , thinking of you and have just rwad the recent posts. How lovely you have got a special photo of Eris and can show others how beautiful she was. My heart really aches for you , can't begin to imagine the pain you are in but sending you love and hope the funeral can get sorted out quickly for you.

cantgetcomfy · 25/03/2008 14:09

Hey Feedmenow

I am so sorry for your loss. Our son Finn was stillborn 12 weeks ago after a perfectly healthy pregnancy. It was nearly 8 weeks before we got our angel back to have him cremated. It is the hardest thing that any parent has to go through.

Arranging the funeral was one of the most surreal things I have ever had to do. I felt that i was in some sort of bubble and not really taking in what was happening around me. At the funeral we played a song called Precious Child by Karen Taylor Good and this said everything about how we were feeling.

Feel free to PM me if you want to talk. I know that talking about what has happened to Finn has been one of the only things to help me cope with it.

Yvonne x

frumpygrumpy · 25/03/2008 16:01

charleymouse, thats a great post x. Nice to see you, you can always pop in our thread you know, anytime. Shabster is a regular now.

feedmenow, I hope you get some progress soon. Thinking of you x.

Rolf · 25/03/2008 17:56

I'm so pleased about the photos, feedmenow. My friend's first child was stillborn at term, and she has some beautiful photos of her daughter around the house. She was an absolutely beautiful baby. The baby is very much a part of my friend's family and they are very open about talking about her. My friend went on to have more children and they all go to the grave at Christmas and anniversaries.

bundle · 25/03/2008 17:58

feedmenow, that's lovely about the photos, x

Unfitmother · 25/03/2008 18:09

I'm very sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. I lost a son in similar circumstances.
The wait for a PM is very long as it needs to be a paediatric pathologist.
I hope you find support from a bereavement counsellor.
I found my son's funeral beautiful and a real source of comfort. I buried him as the graveside gave me a place to go and mourn.
The funeral directors will be very professional and provide both you and your daughter with dignity and respect.
I hope you get some comfort from the service and do just what you want. We had no one but DH and I there, you may want the support of others.
Thinking of you x

shabster · 25/03/2008 18:24

UMum - it is frightening how many mums and dads have been bereaved wish I could gather everyone on here in a massive bear hug and tell them it does soften around the edges in time. Never, ever, forgetting but finding peace most of the time. Take care of yourselves and never stop talking about lost loved ones - keep them close to your hearts

imjin100 · 26/03/2008 14:39

popping by to send you a hug and love and thoughts.

joanie1 · 26/03/2008 20:43

Feedmenow - so very sorry for the loss of your girl. Our daughter was stillborn at 40 weeks in December. As you say in your posting, I couldn't quite believe at the time we were arranging a funeral for our child.

We chose to bury our daughter with my grandparents. It gives me enormous comfort to know she is there with them and I can let myself believe they are looking after her. It also means that we know her grave will be visited often and hopefully for a very long time. Is something like this an option for you?

We also used the same funeral directors who buried my grandparents - any funeral director you choose however will be compassionate, experienced and able to guide you through everything you need to do.

We buried our daughter in a favourite outfit I had chosen for her, a cardigan knitted for her by a family member, a shawl given by my MIL and a pillow from my mum. I wrote a letter to her telling her how much we had looked forward to her arrival, how much we loved her and how she would always be with us. I included photos of our wedding day, family members and even our dog.

Hope this is of some help to you - please get in touch if you would like to talk about ANYTHING. xx

shabster · 26/03/2008 21:19

oh joanie1 -

My sons are buried next grave to my grandma and grandad - in some sort of strange way it makes me feel they are looking after them.

So sorry for your loss

shabster · 27/03/2008 08:20

FMN - just checking that you are ok love? Are you managing to sleep? I used to feel like I was falling into a massive black hole when I did manage to go to sleep. Dont forget please - all your behaviour is NORMAL.

lilyloo · 27/03/2008 11:16

FMN just popping in to see how you are and let you know i still thinking of you and hoping you have got some news r/e funeral.
So very sorry to all the mums on here who have lost a child it really must be the hardest thing

shabster · 28/03/2008 07:51

Morning FMN - thinking about you xxxx

Original poster
feedmenow · 28/03/2008 14:18

Thank you ladies.

Spoke to FD this morning - still no news. She will call us on Monday, hopefully with an update.

TBH, I feel like things are getting worse. I think each day brings a new level of realisation that this is really real. I am trying not to look at her pictures as much as it just reminds me of what we have lost. This really is a life sentence isn't it?

My dp thinks Eris is with the great grandparents, but I have lost whatever faith I used to have and just don't think she is with anyone. I hope that, in time, it will comfort me to think of her being with our other loved ones, but that just isn't where I'm at at the moment.

Shabster, for some reason I am sleeping like a log. I lost a lot of blood when Eris was born and had to have a transfusion, and am still on iron tablets, so wonder if that is effecting my sleep. I usually have very vivid and bizarre dreams, but didn't seem to dream at all for the first 2 weeks. Now, only for a few nights, I have had a return to my normal dreaming. One dream involved a dead baby, although not sure if it was Eris or not. I just hope my dreams don't start focusing on her because, for now, sleep is the only time I am not thinking of her.

OP posts:
shabster · 28/03/2008 17:07

Good to hear from you FMN - 100% understood everything in your post. That awful moment when you wake up and realise all over again - that does soften but it takes a while.

Especially after I lost my older boy I ate like there was no tommorow - I couldn't stop and I put a lot of weight on that I am still trying to loose. Nobody else around me had any appetite and I just couldn't stop.

I used to get those anxiety 'pregnancy type' dreams - the kind that make you jump up almost screaming.

Dont worry about any of the different emotions you are experiencing they are all totally normal - even though they may feel anything but.

Take care sweetheart

frasersmummy · 28/03/2008 21:27

ooh feednow I have been thinking about you since your original post

I cant believe you are still waiting to lay your lovely daughter to rest.. the healing process cant start till you have said goodbye

shabster is absolutely right Dont worry about any of the different emotions you are experiencing they are all totally normal - even though they may feel anything but.

You are right .. it is a life sentence.. no matter how many of a family you may/may not have in the future, Eris will always be missing.

However the pain does get easier to bear as the years go by.. it never goes away but it does ease

please keep us updated with how you are doing

I am here if you want to talk..

JellyNump · 28/03/2008 22:25

My son wasn't still born but he died at 9 weeks. We used a local funeral director here in Bristol and he had a lovely blue coffin with angels and the moon on etc. We put toys in his coffin that he had been given when he was born and my auntie put in some of her teddies she had. We had a slide show of him of pics we had taken on during the sevice and we let ballons go for him at the burial. I am so sorry for your loss, I can't imagine having a stillborn child. I personally didn't want to cremate him as he'd only just been 'made', but that is down to personal choice.

shabster · 29/03/2008 00:25

Forever here FMN - at the moment I am quite drunk and giddy. Shout for help if you need me xxxxxx

shabster · 29/03/2008 00:26

Jelly - many bereaved mummys all here together and forever sticking together

thritbies · 29/03/2008 00:39

feedmenow- I am so sorry for the loss of your precious and beautiful daughter Eris. There is so much that I want to say but am crying after reading the thread- especially posts like charleymouse's, which really touched me. My first son was stillborn just over 6 years ago. I will try to get it together and write something of more use tomorrow. I am thinking of you xxx

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