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Original poster

Please help me with funeral arrangements

375 replies

feedmenow · 14/03/2008 14:35

My daughter Eris was stillborn on Tuesday at 39 weeks.

Now we are having to do something that I never dreamed I'd have to do, and I have no idea where to start.

I suppose we need a funeral director, but who do we use? I don't know anyone round here who has buried their child. In fact, I don't know anyone who has buried their child, full stop.

I think we want her cremated, although it saddens me more to know that with tiny babies there will not be any ashes to take away with us.

I have looked online at coffins but cannot bare to imagine my tiny daughter in one.

I want something beautiful to commemorate her in some way, but what can be said about a tiny angel who never even drew a single breath?

Has anyone else here had to go through this? How and where did you begin?

OP posts:
preggersagain · 20/03/2008 10:07

feedmenow you and your family are in our thoughts.

ingles2 · 20/03/2008 10:15

So very Sorry for your loss. My thoughts are also with you.
xxxxx {{{{{{{}}}}}}}}}}

mymama · 20/03/2008 10:25

Feedmenow. No words to say but very sad for you loss. Thinking of you and your family.

Wisteria · 20/03/2008 10:30

Feedmenow - am thinking of you, Eris and the rest of your family. I have no experience of funerals like this or arrangements but my friend planted a beautiful tree in memory of her daughter who died and it flowers/ blossoms at this time every year.

Original poster
feedmenow · 20/03/2008 14:34

Thank you all for your lovely messages. It really does mean something to have such support.

We have progressed a little since last week in that we have appointed our local funeral director. As someone mentioned, they do not charge. We have decided definitely on cremation. The crematorium we are going to does not charge for their early baby/children slot but apparently more than one baby could be cremated in one go. So we are paying a reduced fee to have a private service.

At the moment we still have no idea when the funeral will be because Eris has gone to St georges for pm. I a plan to go and see her at the funeral directors once she is back there because I cannot bare the thought of not seeing her again.

My dp and I went out today to a lovely baby & children's clothes shop and have bought a special dress and bonnet and shawl for her. I know that she does not care how she looks but I feel the need to be doing something special for her.

Cece, it is good to know that you were able to take home Hope's ashes. Apparently it is quite likely we will have something to bring home too, as the crematorium is one of the older ones. My nearly 9yo dd asked me last night what we'll do with the ashes and I told her that we would keep them in my wardrobe with my Nan's ashes until we decide! Looks like I'm starting a new collection.....

Anyway, thank you all again for the kind words and advice and support.

OP posts:
bundle · 20/03/2008 14:44

feedmenow, I'm so sorry thta Eris died, and that you're having to find strength to do all of the practical stuff now.

I'm so glad lots of people have posted with good advice. Please come back and get support any time, xxx

lackaDAISYcal · 20/03/2008 14:50

feedmenow, you sound so strong in all of this. My thoughts are with you and your family.

daisy xx

littleducks · 20/03/2008 15:10

Sorry, i havent read the whole thread.

But wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and the pain you are going through. I am sure that you will be able to arrange a lovely funeral that Eris deserves and pray that that you find strenghth and support to get through such a terrible time.

I think that the whole of the march 08 board have you and your family in their thoughts at the moment.

I have seen in the past some lovely ideas put forward by mners about how to commemorate a child and am sure that someone who is able to relate to your situation more than myself will be able to provide help for you.

MerlinsBeard · 20/03/2008 15:18

feedmenow, i know that nothing i say can make it hurt any less but i am pleased you have felt supported here at least. I can't even offer any advice, just tell you that you are in my thoughts at the moment and in the coming weeks as well.

shabster · 20/03/2008 15:51

fmenow - Haven't been able to get you out of my thoughts today. Just wanted to add to the thread that you can have whatever kind of funeral you want - ask the funeral directors and they will be able to help you. My DS3's funeral (and please dont think I am going mad) was a proud, touching day for me.

Everybody dressed in bright colours (at our request) we had happy assembly songs - all Matt's favourites and people told funny stories about him. Of course, it was a heartbreaking day but it was a perfect thanksgiving for his short life.

I so agree about you taking special clothes for your precious baby. I hope I haven't offended you by my thoughts on this post - I just want to help you

lilyloo · 20/03/2008 15:55

feedmenow what a lovely idea getting her something special.
I am sure it will help to see Eris again although i know this can be a personal decision.
Have you got something special to put in with her maybe a toy or something. Also having a special song for the funeral may help and also give you some comfort afterwards.
My heart goes out to you and your partner and dc's and i wish you the strength to get through the difficult times ahead.

hazygirl · 20/03/2008 15:59

thinking of you,my heart goes out to youxx

YeahBut · 20/03/2008 16:12

Thinking of you all and wishing you peace.

justjules · 20/03/2008 17:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fitnfortyone · 20/03/2008 18:11

feedmenow, how devastating for you. {{{hugs}}} and all my sympathy as I can't offer anything else. I hope you find something appropriate to commemorate her with.
all my love xxx

cece · 20/03/2008 19:45

feedmenow - I have just noticed you live near to me. Were you at St Peters? Their birth reflections service were excellent for me.

wilbur · 20/03/2008 19:54

So very sorry for your loss. Thinking of you and of Eris. xx

Waswondering · 20/03/2008 21:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

frasersmummy · 20/03/2008 22:03

Hi Feedmenow

You should put as many special details into your darling daughters day as you want. I know from experience that there is so little you can do in the years to come that is comforting to know that you had a lovely goodbye

We played a couple of childrens hymns and wrote a eulogy built around things we did and places we went when we were expecting our son

I got the hymns put on tape so I could play them in the months to come.. I found it comforting ..

I hope you are being kind to yourself and that you have lots of support

I am here if you want anything at all

lilyloo · 21/03/2008 17:46

fmn just a thought it may be nice for your dc's to choose something personal to put in too.

merryberry · 21/03/2008 18:41

Keeping our candles lit for Eris

lilyloo · 22/03/2008 09:09

Have just lit a candle for Eris.

imjin100 · 22/03/2008 10:59

Feedme - my darling I send you love and hugs and a special prayer for Eris - may god be kind to you now and protect and guide you, and may eris be safe watching over her darling mummy.
xx

frumpygrumpy · 22/03/2008 11:08

Sending love to you all. A thing of beauty is a joy forever x. Sleep tight baby girl x.

shabster · 23/03/2008 09:39

Feedme - just thinking about you this morning. Nothing really to say that I think would help just..........thinking of you.

Always here for you, never forget that

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