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Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪
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MomLostInTheClouds · 21/06/2022 14:32

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

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Yorkshirebornandbread · 22/06/2022 18:30

Hello, I’m sorry, I have no experience of this at all, but hopefully someone wiser will be along to give you some support. I can’t imagine your pain, but just wanted to let you know you are in my thoughts xx

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DangerouslyBored · 22/06/2022 18:46

I just want to say you did absolutely nothing wrong. Please don’t beat yourself up like this.

Even if you’d sought medical advice sooner, at 18 weeks there would have been nothing anyone could have done.

Cut yourself some slack and be a best friend to yourself, you are going through something incredibly heartbreaking. Flowers

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LuckyMoonstone · 22/06/2022 19:44

I had a loss at the same gestation earlier this year. I know your pain. I’m so so sorry. It is a horribly traumatic thing to go through. It might not feel like it now, but it will get better. I felt like I would never recover, but 6 months later and I am starting to feel more normal. I think about the baby boy I lost every single day, sometimes I feel him with me, especially when it rains (I don’t know why, but the rain makes me feel like he is part of it) but it’s so much easier now to bear the pain.
You did nothing wrong, it’s just a terrible terrible random thing that happens sometimes. It’s so hurtfully unfair, but I promise you will heal. Allow yourself to feel all of your feelings, grieve, take time off to look after yourself. I had 3 weeks off work and it wasn’t enough, I wish I’d had more.
Again I am so sorry for your loss ❤️

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Thejoyfulstar · 22/06/2022 19:55

I'm so sorry for your awful loss. That sounds so traumatic. I will echo what others have said in that it definitely isn't your fault. I drank coffee every day during my pregnancy and was 39 when I most recently delivered. This was outside of your control. Sending you prayers for peace.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 23/06/2022 08:55

@Yorkshirebornandbread thank you for showing up and leaving kind words. It helps so much.
@DangerouslyBored I needed to hear it. I'm trying to be kinder to myself...
@LuckyMoonstone Oh dear... I'm so sorry for your loss too... I exactly can feel your pain and strangely I also find solace in the rain.
Do you mind me asking if you ever got to know what happened? Any medical investigations, answers, reasons?
Glad you're feeling more normal now. Good to know it's possible one day.
Have you thought about ttc again? Or is it out of question? (My husband has lately told me he wants me to be preggo ASAP and I thought I want it too, but got absolutely petrified that it might happen again, and so far...avoid him like fire).😳
@Thejoyfulstar thank you for your prayers. I do feel more peace since we buried him, but I miss him so much!
Today I accompanied my oldest for a field trip and it hit me by the school gate that my sleeping baby will never experience this...😔

Generally, there are moments I'm ok, but many things trigger me. My Bereavement Midwife tells me to give it time, stop feeling guilty and go on living. Hopefully one day.

Now I have to face all my friends and colleagues and tell them about my loss. Many assume I'm still pregnant and have no clue what had happened. I even gave them no explanation when they asked me how was the baby (...and the baby has been gone for 2 weeks...just couldn't!).

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LovelyQuiche · 23/06/2022 09:08

There’s absolutely nothing you did that caused this. And nothing you could have done to change the outcome. It’s a terrible thing to happen and I think as humans we need to find a “cause” for every thing, but sometimes it’s just the way it is. I don’t mean that to sound flippant, I lost my first pregnancy at 31 weeks 2 years ago and I can think more logically now about these things but at the time I tortured myself and do you know what? None of that torturing changed the outcome. I have since had a beautiful baby girl (I’m now 40).
Give yourself time. Be kind to yourself. Get outside in the fresh air.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 23/06/2022 10:37

@LovelyQuiche it's absolutely heartbreaking to go through such a late loss... 😢 💔 Was it a girl or boy? If you don't mind me asking, any reason why it happened? I begin to understand that really some things just happen and are not meant to be... Congratulations on your baby girl! What a wonderful gift 🌈!
Please, share how fast you got preggo after your loss and how was the pregnancy itself (was it the same?), how did you manage anxiety, etc.? I'd love to hear that.

I started to go out again... yes, fresh air helps... went shopping and everything was fine until I spotted a new mummy sitting in a cafe and thought to myself that I was robbed off of this joy-to-be😑To add to that, stupid Bounty app (I uninstlled it!) has just reminded me on my email that today I'll be starting 22 weeks in my pregnancy journey...
Ohghhhh!

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LuckyMoonstone · 23/06/2022 12:13

@MomLostInTheClouds the results of the physical tests show nothing wrong with the baby at all. I am still waiting for placenta and chromosomal tests, even though this happened in Jan and it’s almost July! I want there to have been something wrong with the baby so I don’t feel like he was taken away from me for no reason. We started TTC again right away and it hasn’t happened yet. I don’t want to forget about the one we lost, but the urge to have another baby is too strong to ignore. But I know that when I do get pregnant again I will be plagued by anxiety that anything could go wrong at any gestation, so I don’t see myself enjoying my next pregnancy at all :(

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MomLostInTheClouds · 23/06/2022 12:52

@LuckyMoonstone Aw that's been a long time. I don't know where you live, but where I live (Berkshire) they told me that PM would be 12 weeks wait (we didn't want it), placenta 10 weeks or more (waiting for it to be back from Oxford), follow up - in 6 weeks. My time somehow stopped (how about you?) and waiting for the appointment with the consultant drives me crazy.😫

I also want them to find anything (at least I can 'brace for impact' or maybe get some treatment in the next pregnancy.
😬

Instinctively I avoid my husband and intimacy ... I'd like some answers first. Check up... I also feel this anxiety... and the thought of it happening again stops me now from ttc. I mean there are days I'm ready here and now, but then the fear that something is wrong with me (maybe cervical incompetence, toxoplasmosis, etc.) puts me off. I'm in limbo...

I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you. I can't wait for you sharing good news with us.

I remember when the Midwife told me when I was leaving the hospital in tears: "We will meet in 6 weeks and you will be in a completely different place". Well, I think I'm slowly getting there, and you're already there.

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LuckyMoonstone · 23/06/2022 13:06

@MomLostInTheClouds I’m in the midlands, I did email my hospital as I was worried they’d forgotten about me, I was supposed to get a call back last week but I haven’t had anything so I’m chasing them again now. They did tell me back in March that they were experience really long delays with lab results at the moment but 6 months seems ridiculous. Even though it’s not stopping me from moving on, I still really want to know what happened to my boy. It might sound bad but at least if there was something wrong with him, and he wouldn’t have lived or had any quality of life, at least I’ll know it was the best thing for him to pass away without even knowing what was happening to him. But if it turns out that he was perfectly healthy, I’m going to feel more angry at the world than I already do 😔 I already have one child so I can’t imagine it’s a physical problem with me, I carried him and birthed him fine.

It’s still really early for you, of course you’re going to feel all these feelings! And it’s totally OK to not feel up to thinking about your next pregnancy. How is your husband coping? Is he supportive?

You may start to have accepted it more at 6 weeks but don’t make yourself feel worse by wondering why you aren’t just ‘getting over it’ or thinking that’s what people expect you to do. Take all the time you need to grieve.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 23/06/2022 13:30

@LuckyMoonstone Awww, 6 months is really ridiculous. Yeah, chase them.

I feel the same way about the results - if there was something wrong with my baby boy, things would be more 'bearable' and comprehensible...
No reasons make it scary and pointless.

I was also sure I can carry a baby to full term. My 2 boys were both natural births, every milestone by the book, healthy. I was a bit concerned about my weight and age, but was sure I'm going to make it.

Have you had any sings of it coming? Or like me? In 1 day... all done? Unexpectedly?

And how old is your boy?
(My pregnancies were 9 and 4 years ago)
Was your boy aware of what happened?
My older was crying so much while the younger until burial kept on asking:"When is the baby coming?" as if he didn't understand it (saw his sleeping brother many times before). I believe it just got to him now.


My husband is ready to start and wants me to be preggo (lurking 😉). He seems to be so OK with that as if he got over it... but maybe it's the men's thing? He wasn't very supportive though and couldn't go for the burial. It hurts me, as if he was denying the baby's existence. We never really talked about it properly, just one time cried together expressing what could have been...

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LuckyMoonstone · 23/06/2022 13:42

@MomLostInTheClouds oh that’s so sad about your sons going through that with you 😔 at least you have them to help you through the darker days. My little one had only just turned 1 when all this happened so obviously he had no idea. It would’ve been so nice to have had their birthdays so close together.
My experience was different to yours, I just went for a scan when I was just over 17 weeks, to find out the sex, and they couldn’t find a heartbeat. So over the next couple of days I had medication to reduce pregnancy hormones, then had labour induced. Labour took 4 hours, which was a relief as it could’ve taken much longer. Some days I think about it and I can’t actually believe I went through it, it’s like a weird dream.
It might just been that’s his way of dealing with it, cry once to let it all out then move on. My husband is very open and supportive but even I find it hard to talk about. I rarely say our baby’s name in front of him, but I talk about him/to him myself all the time!

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MomLostInTheClouds · 23/06/2022 14:03

@LuckyMoonstone Oh yes, birthdays close together is a nice thing. Me and brother have such a small age difference and we always stuck together.

Don't worry. I believe magic can happen for you,... and not once! Then your little one will get somebody to play with. My boys are far apart and older one (gamer) finds it hard to play with younger.

Gosh, we're so blessed to already have a kid/kids. It really keeps me going.

And as for your story, it also sounds so heartbreaking. Hearing that baby has no heartbeat must have been devastating. You're so brave, I can't even imagine... I was in a situation where there was no time to think. I'm a sensitive type and probably waiting for labor would break me. ((((Hugs))))

For me it's also like a dream now.
And mentioning his name, makes me tear up too. Ohhh...
Glad that your hubby is there for you.
I literally limit my contact with mine just to basics . 🙃 Otherwise it would end up in bed...not ready yet...
My husband wanted to give the same name to next baby boy, if we have one, but I told him I'd cry everytime I'd have to call him. I hope he'll change his mind.

Hope you'll come back soon and we'll both share some good news/results. 👍

Take care!

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MomLostInTheClouds · 11/07/2022 13:18

Good afternoon girls!😚

Hope you alright.

Today is the day I've been waiting for for weeks...my bloods came back and I had a full check up (inside out with transvaginal scan)...the only thing we're still waiting for is placenta.

It turned out that as for basic infections (parvovirus, toxoplasmosis, listeria, Covid, HIV, etc.), I tested negative. General blood results, all good.

They suspected intrauterine infection but now? How can anyone tell?

Physical examination + scan show everything is good and there's nothing that looks worrying (uterus is clear, ovaries ok, proper color of discharge, period back after 4 weeks).

I start to think that if placenta and genetics come all clear, this late miscarriage will remain a mystery 🤔... something that shouldn't have happened!

Has anybody experienced something like this?


I wanted a baby so much, but now I'm literally full of fear that if it's unexplained, there would be no treatment whatsoever, and that the same thing might happen again!

So now I take supplements, prenatals, eat well, lost 5kg, fixed my bad tooth (I was told that infection could have spread to my blood from that tooth?! So I'm not taking any chances).

I don't know what else can I do?

As for me, I feel it's my age (39 in September) and maybe my progesterone levels were too low, but they say to my age isn't an issue...

I needed to vent.
It's been so stressful.

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Merryhobnobs · 11/07/2022 13:26

I was in your shoes 5 years ago. No explanation was ever found. I had the flu which I suspect in part caused it. I went on to have another baby and that pregnancy was filled with anxiety for me. It was a heavy burden to carry the worry but all was well. Family now complete.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 11/07/2022 16:51

Firstly, so sorry for your loss. May I ask which week was that? We both have an angel 👼.
Oh, flu? Gosh, Im thinking that my boy brought some cold /maybe flu from school shortly before it happened, and we were all a bit ill, but never thought of it as something serious. Buy now who knows...?

And congratulations on successful pregnancy! How long have you waited after your loss?
Was it a healthy pregnancy? Similar to previous one?

You were very brave... I got hit by doubts and still wait for placenta. The thought of it happening again spoils all the joy of future pregnancy...

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Monkhouse2022 · 12/07/2022 07:34

@MomLostInTheClouds I too suffered a late miscarriage at 17weeks + 2 days exactly 3 weeks ago. I had to give birth to my beautiful baby girl with her funeral coming up this week. Just like you I questioned where did I go wrong. I was known to have short cervix but hospital didn’t do much about it. Sadly I lost her due to many hospital errors and not natural cause. I had Harmony Test and low risk in everything.
I know many women, if not all on this site who have had a loss due to incompetent cervix go on to have a healthy pregnancy. Difference with me I cannot go onto have another baby this was my last chance due to my age. I am hurting so much and feel at a loss. I feel your pain.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 12/07/2022 08:32

@Monkhouse2022 I'm so sorry for your loss.
I know it's all raw and hard now, but as simple as it may sound, time heals. I feel still emotional, hurt and sad, but it's easier as time goes by.
For me, funeral gave closure to this painful event. Now I go to the cemetery and I've somehow processed that it is exactly as it was meant to be.
I'm so shocked that in your case it was quite obvious that it's the short cervix, yet not much has been done. No stitch? No extra transvaginal scans?
Did you have any symptoms? Did they or you figured the short cervix out?

Honestly, I was suspecting incompetent cervix in myself, but they told me if I had cramps, contractions, etc. I went into labor and incompetent cervix opens without pain and doesn't resemble labour.
Was it like this with you? I'm sorry I'm asking, but at least I'd like tonknow from other moms that this could have been/couldn't have been that.

How old are you? Are you sure you won't try again?

See, I'm also very old, almost 39 and petrified to try again (while everyone tells me to give it a last try!)...

Please, take care.
Thinking of you and your little angel.

@Merryhobnobs have you seen my reply to you? If you want to share with us, we're here to listen.

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Monkhouse2022 · 12/07/2022 09:04

@MomLostInTheClouds my short cervix was discovered when I had my son in 2019 he was born 35 weeks by emergency c-section and had no health/medical issues.
I am 45 and fell pregnant again naturally. All was going well till I had a cervical length scan at 16weeks (I should have had it at 14weeks then my daughter would be alive today!). My cervix had shorted alot but hospital were denying me stitch and told me to go home and continue with progesterone pessary. I requested second opinion and another consultant said same so I had to fight my corner. Eventually consultant agreed only to say to me during stitch, lucky stitch put in as cervix open with membranes bulging - so had I gone home without fighting for stitch I would have miscarried within a day. During op they forgot to put catheter so I ended up with urinary retention which can set off preterm contractions (which I experienced few days later) No one at hospital had realised I had urinary retention this would have resulted to sepsis and lead to my death, there were other catalogue of errors where ultrasound was not given list is endless. I hate myself for not doing enough for my daugther I was let down by the hospital in every ward/dept. It gets me so angry.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 12/07/2022 09:28

@Monkhouse2022 Oh dear... so in your case it was all evident (in my case it was all out of the blue!).
I can't imagine how difficult it must be for you knowing that something could have been done earlier and that your life (and baby's) was put at risk.
Thank God you're all safe and sound.
And I'm so glad to hear you have a son. Kids make it easier for us to go on with our lives.

It frustrates me that many hospitals don't take women and their concerns seriously.
In medical environment they all the time say "it was just bad luck" or "it was one of these cases", or "nothing to worry about, let's wait/let's see". My friend even says it's like natural selection...

Are you planning to do anything about it? Take legal action or you just leave it to me peace of mind?

I'm now left with no plan of action, thinking that if I ever get pregnant probably every twinge will rush me to A&E and it still doesn't guarantee anything.

My friend had low progesterone levels (did private bloods) and yet was refused a simple thing like a cream or pessaries coz she hasn't had miscarriage before and was supposed to carry her baby holding on to hope she wouldn't miscarry.

With all this and more women joining our "club" everyday I'm thinking I won't handle ttc again...

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Monkhouse2022 · 12/07/2022 09:38

@MomLostInTheClouds yes I have put complaint in and lets just say they know they have done serious basic human errors - no matter what it won’t bring my baby girl back. Hospital don’t realise the major impact this has on oneself. Yes I do have a son but kept pushing him away I was too busy wallowing in my pain. He is my miracle baby and I should appreciate what I have but this grief totally consumes me and Im constantly running the whole saga in my head. The hospital has changed me, Im a total mess.
Please don’t let my experience put you off ttc. If you have time on your side go for it but do your research, be prepared to fight for your unborn baby.
I want to try again but can’t put my body through it again (I even contemplated getting surrogate but thats no guarantee) who knows next time I may not come out of it healthy or even worse leave my son motherless harsh I know but I could have died few weeks ago with a ruptured bladder had I not demanded to see a consultant asap.

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MomLostInTheClouds · 12/07/2022 10:21

@Monkhouse2022 I also go down and isolate myself for some time to cry...everyday! I also felt I'm not good enough for kids in this time, but it's all normal and natural.

Today let's hug them tight and do something special witb them.

And try too...try anything...don't give up. There are ways...yes? Even surrogacy...

Let us know how things are going soon...

I'll be updating you too...
At least here I have people who know how I feel and went through the same thing.

Lotof love.

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Merryhobnobs · 12/07/2022 10:30

Hello, sorry hadn't seen until now.

Please don't read if this is going to cause distress and it is long.

In 2016 I gave birth to my first child, I was 31. In early 2017 I found out I was pregnant again, it was quite a surprise, it had taken quite a long time to conceive our first and the due date would have given us a 17 month age gap which was pretty daunting but we figured it would work out and we would be exhausted but fine. I had my 12 week scan and all was well.

Husband went away for work for a week. The day after my eldest came down with a horrendous cold. 3 days later I got it as well. I had no sleep really and just felt so unwell. I am pretty nauseous in my pregnancies so that, not much to eat, no sleep looking after my poorly baby and feeling diabolical myself.

A few days later I started to feel a little better, just exhausted but I started spotting. Husband came home and the spotting became bleeding. Early pregnancy did checks and baby was fine. A couple of days later the bleeding became losing large clots of blood, it was so scary. The pregnancy unit this time did an internal scan to see if they could find anything wrong. Baby could be seen bouncing away happily. Tests didn't show anything wrong. I was told that it could be all okay but I just knew it couldn't be. The clots continued.

At 15 weeks at teatime I told my husband to take care of our eldest and I went to lie down, a few minutes later he came in and immediately said he was going to phone maternity. In hindsight the pain was now contractions and the downward pressure was a sign but whilst he was on the phone I gave birth to our baby. The baby was wriggling. It was a tiny little baby. I screamed for my husband to keep our crawling 11 month old away and maternity told him to hang up and dial 999 immediately.

It felt like ages but the ambulance arrived very quickly. As they came in the house I passed the placenta. Baby stopped moving. I was continuing to pass large clots of blood so they took me into hospital. No family nearby so husband stayed at home with our eldest. At the hospital they got the more senior consultant on duty as the baby and placenta looked to be intact but I was continuing to pass large clots. The scan showed my womb had filled with clots so I went under general anaesthetic to have a d&v to clear my womb.

To this day it is that night in hospital that gave me all the post traumatic flashbacks. The staff were wonderful, a nurse stayed with me the whole time but I desperately wanted my husband. I was scared and alone and broken. Over the phone we decided to allow our baby to be cremated with other babies and ashes in a remembrance garden. We didn't feel that a funeral was the right choice for us.

I wasn't great for a few months, in hindsight the aftercare for people in my position was nil and I ticked a lot of boxes for PSTD. About 6 months after our loss we had an appointment with the consultant who looked after my that night. There were no conclusive results. The baby was tested and all looked well. I was fine. The consultant said the strain the flu put my body under may have just prompted my body to put me first rather than baby and eject it. We will never know.

14 months after I lost the baby we decided to try again. We didn't want a huge age gap between our children and I was aware that it could take a while, risks increase with age etc. 6 months later I became pregnant. I was so stressed and worried, we had to have extra tests as our 12 week scan came back high risk (waiting for the harmony results which timed with the loss of our first was awful) but all was well. In 2019 I had our baby. He had a slightly tricky start with a pneumothorax and I had sepsis but he recovered quickly and well and both our children are now thriving. I'm 37 and my husband is 40 we are done, he had a vasectomy.

We have a special silver leaf which we got engraved and will be added to a special tree of remembrance in botanic gardens for babies who are lost.

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Monkhouse2022 · 12/07/2022 10:49

@Merryhobnobs oh I am so sorry to hear what you went through. One wonders why things like this happen. Pleased to hear you progressed along with another baby.
Wish my son had a sibling 😢

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Monkhouse2022 · 12/07/2022 11:26

@MomLostInTheClouds thankyou for your support. Yes we must try remember the here & now. My head is telling me to be positive but my heart needs to follow same way.
I will keep you posted and you too my friend xx

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