Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

Bfn...
Tested using First Response 6 days earlier.

Disappointed 😞...
Relieved? (How weird)...

Countdowntopregnancy.com calculated my chances of conception - 10% at the age of 39.

I'm beginning to accept we'll be family of 4.😟

Anybody got bfp?

Sending ❤

Ladies I have been an emotional wreck this week and today - all I do is keep thinking about my baby girl and looking at her pictures.
I can’t speak to my friends as I don’t want to sound like a broken record, can’t speak to family or partner don’t want to worry them. I am so so lost. Its like I can’t go on without her being here. 3 months and I feel no better. Some of you have suggested counselling but I can’t see that helping. My mind is fixated on my little girl. I really don’t know what to do. I’m a mess

@MomLostInTheClouds I am sorry to hear about your BFN.

@Monkhouse2022 it takes a lot of time to heal... really...

I allow myself to feel all these positive and negative emotions, to cry, to laugh and to lament 5 minutes later.

I guess you can also try to let them be.

This is how it is. And maybe if we don't allow ourselves to have them, we'd never heal.

I'm like you - won't go for counselling at this point in time as I feel I can handle it on my own...

We're here, pouring our sadness out so maybe it's better for us than counselling...

Writing about it is therapeutic in a way.

So write here, in a journal, in your notes, anywhere. It helps me name and identify my state of mind. And in no time I'm better.

Will you try?

My loss and my bfn are my biggest lesson - I always loved to have things go my way, when I want and how I want... but life isn't like this...

I'm exercising my patience now, learn to be grateful for what I have and for how my life looks like.

BTW, one of the parents has told me lately in front of the school that I must have done something to lose my baby (eaten something or not to take care of myself).

How people can even tell you something like this and try to inflict a feeling of guilt in a grieving mother?

And I came home and again started to analyse all my days before I lost my son... I tried to find my fault...

@MomLostInTheClouds I commend you trying to be positive and good for you, I am trying but seem to get pulled 2 steps back each time I try. Constant reminder.
I just want to close my eyes and never wake up, I can’t handle this pain. My heart keeps yearning for her.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm worried about you... just please try to find something that will work for you. And if you don't, I'd really try counselling.

Hugs ((()))

@MomLostInTheClouds Don’t worry I am not going to do anything silly, thankyou for your concern…..its just how I feel :(
I’ve said before if I didn’t have a toddler and a lovely DP then it would definitely be a different story.

Same here...

I always think if it happened with my first child, I'd be in a completely different place with my grief.

@MomLostInTheClouds Im sorry I missed your comment about how someone told you it was your fault - that is awful. We already blame ourselves and someone to say that is spiteful. I am so so sorry

@Monkhouse2022 i know how you feel. When I found you ladies I was in the darkest space I had been since my daughter. I felt like my living children had a parent but our daughter had no one with her and needed me. I got drunk kicked screamed and generally abused my poor dp cried wailed asked to be taken to a police station honestly I was in a terrible place. Out of nowhere after thinking I was fine. My DP made me speak to my gp who signed me off work for a month and increased my antidepressants that I had stopped taking on my own decision as I felt fine. Have you spoken with your GP? Antidepressants aren’t a solution but they help massively. I have taken them religiously as in the cold light of day my actions terrified me. I’m not saying you are at that point but just to let you know I am here and know the feelings you talk about.

@MomLostInTheClouds im sorry you had a bfn but it is early days you are not out until you are out when your period turns up. Also I fell pregnant with my ds at 39 so you have a chance. I’m also sorry for what was said to you, you know it isn’t your fault that is just ignorance from a terribly horrible person and I am sorry you were faced with that.

Just found it.
For every grieving mom here...
Especially for you @Monkhouse2022 😚
Thank you for kind words @Vie8126 😊 💓

@Vie8126 Oh my days I thought same as you, my baby girl has no-one and I wanted to be with her. Its such a strange feeling.
I am trying to hold out going down AD route and seeing counsellor but I may have to resort to one. Its not fair on my toddler. I feel so disconnected with him right now x

@MomLostInTheClouds That poem is so fitting. Thankyou x

@Monkhouse2022 it is so strange I was torn my living children have a parent she has no one how was that fair? No one really understands it so I’m lucky you ladies do! I need my baby too it’s like a living hell. That moment from the sonography feels like a sliding doors moment in my life that has continued since then like some bad dream. I have stopped counselling tbf as I think looking at other aspects of my life at a time I am weak was not helping with my recent outburst. ADs have helped me function get me up and moving but understand they aren’t for everyone. Time off work has helped I only have a month left before my notice is finished. I start a whole new career in November starting with a training course so I am trying to focus on building that and hope it will give me some fresh perspective on life in general.

@MomLostInTheClouds such a lovely poem. How are feeling today?

AF showed up and I am feeling extra emotional. Didn’t sleeo last night still reeling over the loss of my baby.
Yesterday hospital called me whilst I was at work to say they were calling to confirm my c-section date, I broke down told them about mc and why my records not updated.
Everyday something sets me back. I just feel numb and lost :(

@Monkhouse2022 its terrible the way they keep contacting you. I know how awful that is. On the drive home after our daughter was born my midwife called me to make my next appointment. I ended up being very apologetic to her for the awkwardness of the call. Why I don’t know. Sorry AF turned up. Mine is due Saturday and I’m already cramping so it’s on the way. Dp actually said to me Monday night oh why don’t you do a test. I don’t need to go through the emotions of that AF is hard enough month after month.

I had my boss call me yesterday to ‘check in’ I am sure she feels frustrated with me and doesn’t see why I am so down and unable to be in work. I only have 4 weeks and I’m then ‘unemployed’ for a month before becoming a student again. I just wanted her to say look I know you aren’t coming back etc but she just huffed and puffed and said well when will you feel better you are taking ADs etc so why aren’t you feeling brighter. She then said ‘Vie terrible things happen and we have to move on from them and learn to cope that’s life’ said to DP feel like I’m being stupid. I hated my job anyway it was a position I secured after being made redundant due to covid and then fell pregnant. I just feel bad about it and like I should be able to go back. That place is just a reminder to me and I need a fresh start which I am obviously getting. Sorry I’m rambling now. She just made me feel like I’m stupid and I should pull myself together.

@Monkhouse2022 my oh my... I hope now they will update your data in the system and won't haunt you again...😘
I know all these things make us feel nasty, but hold on in there.
AF probably makes things worse.

@Vie8126 I hate when people make us feel that our feelings are invalid, that we shouldn't feel what we feel or that we should pull ourselves together.
And yeah, good you're leaving...

And BTW...when we're not oj, we're not ok.
Screw it!
I don't want to pull myself together!
I want to cry.

Yesterday I cried so bad at night.
I literally could feel my son's presence.
I went to sleep thinking he's next to me...

Ladies, I don't know what's going on with me...
I didn't sleep since 3am, had sore boobs and body aches.
AF is about to show up tomorrow, but not a sign of it...
Usually I have cramping, spotting, mood changes, but I don't feel like it's about to come.
Anyway, I don't trust my body after my loss and last month - it tricked me to believe I'm pregnant and now the same thing is happening.
I even had nausea in the morning!

I believe I'm getting mental or I might have some other health issue.
I feel so tired...

Started to think I may have menopause if AF won't shop up! I already read about perimenopause and was thinking it'll get me soon (if not already!).

13dpo and test was negative so I'm not allowing my body to do it to me again, and I just really suspect some hormonal issues...

Awww ..my GP says my bloods are OK, I'm fertile and still have chances for a baby, buy my gut tells me otherwise.

I'll update you if the witch will come tonight and if not (I'm usually earlier than late), I start to freak out that I'm sick or something...😑

Anyways, I keep myself busy, try to stay positive and feel like I'm not going to focus on ttc in October.

It's emotionally draining and I'm now so aware of all issue that can go wrong that I'd probably make myself sick with stress...

@MomLostInTheClouds I get them weird pregnancy symptoms some months isn’t it odd. If AF doesn’t turn up are you going to test again? I need to have my hormone testing I’m positive I’m peri menopausal my mum was 43 when she had hers and I’m almost 42. My cycles are getting short too. I thought my period was due next week but some period math on other months showed me it’s a shorted cycle around 24 days so it’s now Saturday. You have a good range of symptoms though so I have everything crossed for you - you most certainly are not mental though!!

@Vie8126 I agree with @MomLostInTheClouds do not let others dictate how you should be feeling right now.

@MomLostInTheClouds my fingers are crossed for you.

I'm just here to inform you that that 9-15 October there'll be Baby Loss Awareness Week and Tommy's is encouraging all angel mamas to speak about their babies.

As for me, I'd love to hear about your angel babies. You're free to share your feelings, memories, photos, poems, anything...

@Vie8126 yeah have yourself checked. Usually we share a lot with our moms. My mom has a prolapse (though she got it when she was 50+) and she also lost her 2nd baby at 5 months (but it was toxoplasmosis). Uff, my mom had her menopause late so maybe I'm not yet there...

And on a different note, ladies, I have 0 hope regarding pregnancy this month.

FRER negative on Saturday, coop cheapie negative I think 3 days ago, Morissons cheapie negative yesterday and today another negative from a pharmacy test.

I don't know if I test again...what for? Lol?
Of course I'd be tempted (1 more Morissons left lol), but last time I got my bfp on 16dpo (wasn't checking passionately like this tine). How about you? Which dpo?

I suspect something sinister happening with my health and hormones...

@MomLostInTheClouds I did a test today why oh why did I do that to myself? Not even an early one. A clear blue rapid response. Been awake since 3:30 with ds and it just kept going round my head and I felt compelled to do it. A bfn obviously. AF due Saturday. I will more than likely buy another today but a first response for tomorrow as I know what I am like. Get myself stuck in this testing cycle and disappointment. I don’t even know if I ovulated when we conceived ds I was tracking with clear blue ovulation sticks with the flashing and static smiley. When I fell pregnant with our dd it just well happened 5 months after ds was born. Was convinced I would have been pregnant again by now.

chasing my bereavement midwife as she offered some bloods when I spoke to her last week and when I said yes absolutely want them I haven’t heard from her. She also have photos of our dd and her funeral which I want from her. I feel awful to keep texting her as I know she is so busy.

Baby Loss Awareness Week, we have a display of knitted hearts near us and we can put a name on them so I have asked our local SANDS for one with our daughters name which we will go and look at. Are any on you planning on telling your story on your personal socials for awareness?

TRIGGER warning - photo of footh and handprints

AF has just arrived in town 🙄...
on majestic day 29 (so unusual for me)...

No signs (no intensive PMS like in last 2 cycles), but anxiety and fatigue.

I'm gutted to say the least.
Another month my body has mimicked pregnancy symptoms and kept me convinced there's hope until there isn't.

BTW, I've read recently about phantom pregnancy. Oh lol, it happens to dogs when they weren't impregnated in few years or it can even happen to females 🤣 (look at me) who long for a baby or have just lost it.

Since my loss my hormones are out of whack.
I'm a mess...
Everything is different in my body and I don't know it anymore. It keeps surprising me. Before I could exactly tell when my period's coming, had cramps (now even cramps feel different or there are no cramps like this time!).

I snap, get irriated with little things, despise my husband 😒 and would just like to hide in bed till the end of my days...

@Vie8126 I know how bfn feels. But don't lose hope, until the witch comes you're not out. I'm keeping my fingers crossed so much that they hurt!😘
And chase that midwife...chase!
How lovely is the initiative with the knitted hearts 💕 nothing near me... or not that I know.

I got some invitation from my Bereavement Midwives to go tonsome Church and put mu baby's name in the memory book, but I'd crumble if I just see it so no...

I disappeared from social media...since my boy passed away.

I regret announcing pregnancy (just few days before I lost him... I was convinced you can't lose the baby this late and that I was in the safe place!)

Me silly me!

Now I'm full of shame. Alnost 4 months of silence on the socials.

I feel incompetent (like my cervix)...
Some friends were already mocking me and saying I'm too old and wouldn't I feel shame to walk with a bump...

Only 2-3 closest know...rest...? Well, I don't think I'd ever spit it out to them...

Have you talked about it?
Announced?

Lol, how fast we announce good news, pregnancy, happy events...and how hard it is to admit something like this...a baby loss!

I leave my ovulation tracking and Meet Me app.
I'm leaving "baby making"...
It ruins my mental health.
I'm leaving folic acid and all these stupid vitamins.

I'll focus on my baby's little hands and feet that I want to share with you today...haven't shared with anybody...

Lots of love mamas.

Sorry for all the typos, I crying 😢 and half-blind...

@MomLostInTheClouds We were so close after 12 week scan that magic marker of everything being good to announce to the world. But I didn’t. We were waiting for the 16 week gender scan which was then put off due to other things until almost 17 weeks when we were told our darling girl had gone a few days previously. I’m convinced the things that made us reschedule were a blessing. Two close friends of mine knew dps friends knew and our mums who were with us at the scan. My older children knew also. Boys though they don’t get it especially young men they have no understanding of pregnancy timelines so they have never really understood and think of it like an early miscarriage. I spoke to my oldest son who is 21 one day and explained to him as they didn’t attend her funeral and he just said ‘mum I’m so sorry I didn’t know’.

Tbh we didn’t tell many people as everyone has a comment don’t they? My age, the small age gap, the fact it would have been my 5th child (despite the fact out of my older 3 only one lives at home!) the ‘don’t you have a tv’ comments. My partner is 10 years younger than me also and our ds although he has siblings there is a 20, 17 and 13 year gap between him and them so he is pretty much going to be an only and we just wanted a sibling for him. I know I don’t have to justify my rationale to you ladies but yeh people and their shitty comments had an effect on us announcing our news.

The test well I did it looked at it shoved it in a drawer and came back to a blue cross the line is blue but thin so I’m pretty sure clear blue are playing tricks and it’s just an evap. I don’t know why I torture myself by keeping them and looking at them after the time. Should know better at my bloody age!

Look at them beautiful hand and footprints. I didn’t get anything like that I know you will treasure them forever. My dp never saw our daughter and I felt overwhelmed and didn’t even hold her or have alone time. I wish I could go back every single moment and tell her I love her and hold her close to me. I try to find comfort in that I did what I did based on my feelings at the time to protect myself a tiny bit and she knows I love her.

Do not feel shame for announcing your news you did what we all do and wanted to share your beautiful news. You are not incompetent. You are a strong woman and I am positive you will have a bfp soon enough. Keep talking with us. We know the hurt we know the feelings. Sending you hugs and love xxx

@Vie8126 Try not to get too worked up over the test but I know its easier said than done. I did early test few days ago which was bfn then AF shows up bang on date - its so disheartening. I was rather upset.
Do not give up, do what feels right for you.
Keeping my fingers & toes crossed for us to get our rainbow baby.

@MomLostInTheClouds I would not worry what other’s think. You’re always going to get handful of people that just don’t get it and can be cruel.
The hands and feet print so beautiful, made me cry when you see such tiny hands & feet. I look at my baby’s prints & I fill up with emotions. Thankyou for sharing.