Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

[Monkhouse2022]

@Lillygolightly so lovely to hear from you.
I have a box load of cyclogest that I take 2-3 days after ovulation for last 2 months. One month stopped pre spotting, next month got spotting down to 2-3 days before AF. Lets continue and see how I get on.

You have your hands full with the twins but doing amazingly well. Easter sounds like fun in your house!!!
Good to hear yr dd has now got a diagnosis so a proper plan can now be put in place for right treatment. I do hope she is not in alot of pain. Hope the physio helps fingers crossed x

[Lillygolightly]

@Vie8126 I have been thinking about you, I am so very sorry, sending you big big hugs.

@Monkhouse2022 I am always keeping my fingers crossed and praying that you and Vie get BFP sticky beans. I remain very hopeful for you both. I wouldn’t be too put off by the spotting before periods, I have had this for around 3/4 years now and still managed to fall pregnant with my Angel and with the twins. Spotting can be a sign of low progesterone I believe, it might be worth approaching your GP and asking if they would give a prescription for this on a positive test, Tommy’s can also do it, failing that there is always the option to go private, my friend did and whilst it amounted to £300 or so for the appointment and the medication she really thinks it helped. Apologies if I’m repeating myself there, I might have mentioned the progesterone before, but as it happens I never was prescribed any for my pregnancy with the twins. I think keeping up DTD is a good idea, it certainly can’t harm I don’t think especially if you feel you may be ovulating later in your cycle.

@MomLostInTheClouds sounds like your girlie is well and truly on the move. I do the same on the days when the twins are being a bit of a handful and remind myself how incredibly lucky I am, and there are days they’ve just be so sweet and loving or more often when they are sleeping I am just full of so much gratitude.

Plans for Easter so far is to Chuck chocolate eggs at all the kids and peel them off the ceiling later 🙈🤣
I will actually probably do some crafts with them now that the twins are older this year and can join in properly. A few years ago we made Easter baskets for the egg hunt and they loved it so may do that again.

As for how me and the kids are doing. We are all fine, my 14yo DD finally has a diagnosis for her mobility issues she has something called bilateral iliorbital band syndrome, which basically means the bands that connect her hips and knees are too tight and snap and flick across her thighs causing pain and inflammation. She’s had her first physiotherapy session, and we are just going to have to see if the physio helps enough or whether she will eventually need surgery.

The twins are 2 years 4 months and little balls of energy, I swear I say the word no about a million times a day closely followed by get down, don’t touch that and be careful. They now play together and most of the time they play nicely together but are definitely starting to have the odd scuffle over wanting the same thing at the same time and of course yours truly gets to play referee 🫠

[Monkhouse2022]

@Vie8126 I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Ive been meaning to message. Big hug. I hope dp is behaving himself with you. Keep smiling my love.

@MomLostInTheClouds lovely to hear how you are getting on with your bundle of joy.
I’m still foolishly ttc but not a sniff of bfp yet. Started to temp again using opk strips and cb stick. Had to stop using ovusense gave me itching down there, was awful. I think instead of stop dtd few days after getting peak on opk I’m going to continue. Just get this niggling feeling my egg is being released later. Although think I’m entering peri stage. Periods still normal but seem to spot 7/8 days pre AF for quite sometime now.
Still continuing with my counselling for losing my girl over neglect. Not really helping but gives me a chance to talk about her openly.
Please pray for a BFP for me….

No easter plans, looking forward to a few days break though x

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Vie8126 oh my god...that sounds like a lot.

I'm so so sorry...

It must have been hard for you...🤗sending hugs.

I just hope that there's light at the end of the tunnel.
And yeah...a 2 year old must be a handful, while I'm having a crawling/learning to walk baby, chewing on everything, and I'm literally stuck for most of the day, unable to do many activities...

Stressful and frustrating as it is, I still remember where I came from and have that gratitude in the heart.

How are you ladies, @Lillygolightly and @Monkhouse2022 ?
I hope life is kind for you.

Plans for Easter break?😛

[Vie8126]

@MomLostInTheClouds well I started bleeding about 2/3 weeks after finding out and unfortunately miscarried. Did not want to go down a hole with my mental health so compressed all my feelings and pushed them away and into a box. Was a truly horrible time though full of uncertainty about lots of things. Dp and I are ok ish just going through the motions of daily life work and having a 2 year old. How are you, your boys and your special girl doing?

[MomLostInTheClouds]

I know life's been busy for all of us, but @Vie8126 how r u there? And your little bean?
Tell us everything and how's dp?

Lots of love.

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Vie8126 yeah, ask for progesterone, folic acid 5mg, baby aspirin, cervical length scans at least from 16w.
Yourself start good prenatals. Proceive is good or Terra Nova, and coz of age I'd consider Omega 3 (Proceive has a one for preggers).

I won't lie...pregnancy when I was young and slim was easy peasy...but now...at 40?! It was a hard-core...full of anxiety. Physically draining.

Save your energy a lot (moderate bedrest in case it's IC related), eat well (yeah mama, eat these greens hahhaah that don't come easy when preg!), and try not to stress out.

@Lillygolightly oh glad to hear about your dd.
Oh yes, vit D deficiency cam cause severe lower back pain, bone pain, rickets.
I had extreme leg pains when small coz of it.
High dosages will do. And with folic acid, lots of greens and make sure she gets the natural one (methylfolate). It's better absorbed.

Yeah I'm also less panicky, but still worried. The only thing that makes me clamer is the fact that he's been having it for so long, his results are fine and it can be just the way it is. He had a serious ear infection (otitis media) on that side when he was a baby and I guess the lymph node never shrunk...
It freaks me out when he's sick coz it gets even more swollen (like a massive grape!), visible with naked eye and red...😕
I've been making castor oil neck wraps for him and indeed it keeps it under control. But every time I see it, worst thoughts cross my head...

@Monkhouse2022 dear, you alright?
I've been sending that baby dust virtually...
How's your life going? FAMILY?
Still killing time walking?

I managed to clean up and cook in between my girlie's naps, didn't sleep well (my big boy was performing in London and came back at 12.30am!) so of course...I couldn't sleep until I hugged him and fed him.😉

Life's super fast now, hectic...
Things get done or not...
But now she's in my arms, contact napping and I wouldn't change it for anything in the world. Including more sleep. Hahaha...she's 8 months in few daysA😌

Stay warm and yeah...enjoy these birds chirping....spring is coming!

[Lillygolightly]

I’m keeping everything crossed for you @Vie8126 it always seems like time slows down when your waiting on a scan, so I hope the next few days pass swiftly for you. If you’re going to be consultant lead I would request progesterone and baby aspirin plus high dose folic acid. I also very very much hope your DP comes round and supports you.

PS: your birth weights sound similar to mine: 7lb 8oz, 8lb 9oz, 8lbs (she came early, would definitely have been over 9lbs had they let me go to term) and the twins were both 6lbs 14oz and born at 37w, which going by the weights on my twin mum group is absolutely massive for twins. I put all their weights down to the fact that I always crave whole milk when I’m pregnant and drink gallons of the stuff 🙈 I actually never ate loads more when pregnant, but milk…it was like an addiction 😂

The twins are actually pretty well behaved, and they play together nicely most of the time. It’s more that there is 2 of them that presents difficulties, though they are now used to taking turns for things like being picked up and what not, but when they run in opposite directions to get into mischief it’s bedlam 🙈🤣.

My girl twin has her audiology appointment on the 12th and then after that another check in with the health visitor and see where we are at and if any further referrals are needed.

@MomLostInTheClouds we actually got her blood results yesterday, nothing too concerning just low Vit D and low Folic so that was a huge relief so can top her up with vitamins and just continue the long wait for her orthopaedic appointment.

I totally understand the worry especially with the swollen lymph node, I too was worrying about luekemia and similar illnesses with my 14 year old, the issues she has with leg/hip pain coupled with the thick blood at the first blood test sent my mind into overdrive. I’m still worrying of course, but not quite so panic stricken as before.

The crawling stage, yep which leads to constant hoovering and scanning the floor for fluff and anything they might want to put in their mouth. My hubby used to laugh at me because I would go round and take all the cushions off the sofa to cover the corners of the skirting boards and the hearth of the fireplace. He rolls his eyes and calls me the health and safety officer 🙈 I on the other hand like to think that despite being perhaps overly safety conscious I have avoided some A&E trips.

[Vie8126]

@Lillygolightly @MomLostInTheClouds hey guys! Well they won’t scan me until 6 weeks which is next week waiting for that to come through, so hoping to have more info then. Im always consistent led anyway because my first was born via section some 24 years ago this year LoL and was a particular large baby! Had all vaginal births since with the subsequent 3 all birth weights started with a 7 so far more reasonable size then my 9lb 9 whopper! I’m also in my 40s aren’t I which adds to the risk.

Dp well his going away again next week his in denial and not talking to me. He thinks I’m selfish, thinks our ds is not enough it’s going to finish us.

@MomLostInTheClouds oh bless you the worry is so real! I’m sure it will all be fine but can’t imagine how stressful and worrying it’s all been. Ah as if she’s crawling how time flies. How’s your dh?

@Lillygolightly wow 2!! How do you cope with two 2 year old strong willed little people?!

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Lillygolightly I'm also worried, going for a pediatric appointment with my 5 year old...

He's always had a swollen lymph node on the neck and had detailed bloods (including blood film for...leukemia and lymphoma), scan and though everything came back as normal...they want to see him.

Stressful...as heck!🙄

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Lillygolightly I've just been thinking about all of you...what a coincidence. Lol.

How's everything going?

How's your dd? Any updates?

And twins?

My girl is crawling...I really have 0 time...frustrating, but also heartwarming...

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Vie8126 just checking on you girl😘
You're alright?

Any idea which week? And what about your Antenatal care? Will you be consultant-led?

How r u feeling? Nausea hit?

And how's dp?

[Lillygolightly]

@Vie8126 I just wanted to pop here and let you know I’ve been thinking about you. I hope you are doing ok xxx

[Lillygolightly]

@Vie8126 it sounds like you are dealing with your DP’s reaction in a similar way as to how I dealt with my DH. I pretty much focused on myself and put myself, my wants and my needs first….something that I had never done in the entirety of our 2 decades being together. I don’t really know if he ever questioned keeping the pregnancy, if he did he knew better than to even so much as suggest it to me anyway. I think perhaps for the very first time he knew that he wasn’t even on the list of my considerations when it came to the fate of the pregnancy. I know that might be awful to admit and seem very selfish of me, but just being completely honest that was how I felt. Of course I obviously wanted him to be happy about it, but if he wasn’t he wasn’t and I had made my peace with that the moment I knew I was pregnant. All I knew was that I couldn’t upset myself and stress about his feelings as they were out of my control, all my efforts went towards keeping myself sane with all the worry, fears and anxiety that come with pregnancy after a loss like ours…I simply didn’t have time to worry about him, I was too busy worrying about myself and my babies and hoping and praying they would stay put.

In short if I can offer one piece of advice it would be to just focus on yourself and what you need as much as possible. He may come around, he may not, but you are on this journey whether he is along for the ride or not, so you travel that road however you want/need to and know that it’s ok to be getting what you want (even if he doesn’t share the same thoughts) and that it’s ok to put yourself and your wants first and ahead of his, because I imagine that you’ve put him first plenty of times in the past. It’s your turn now love ❤️

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 Well the twins turned 2!! Where have my babies gone, I can’t believe it. We have talking now, proper words and sentences and whilst they are hard work and demanding they are lovely and fun and cuddly. I have some concerns over Willow, she’s definitely behind her brother in speech but today we received an appointment from our referral to audiology just to get her hearing checked, and the health visitor will be checking in after we’ve had that just to see if perhaps we need to look into possible ASD. My 2nd eldest daughter just turned 14 and we are currently going through a rough time with her too, she’s having terrible leg/hip joint pain, it’s so bad she’s on a reduced timetable at school as she can’t manage the full week. We have a referral for paediatric orthopaedics but we’ve been told not to expect an appointment until March at the earliest, the referral was done almost 3 months ago!! We also have some other concerning symptoms going on and so I am pushing for further investigation. She has bloods booked in for tomorrow, her blood was too thick from the previous test for any results so this is a repeat. The wait to see what’s wrong is killing me because all sorts are running through my head, I am out of my mind with worry for her. Other than that we are actually doing ok, we managed a nice Christmas which was lovely as we were all poorly the previous 2 years. Looking forward to the better weather now and being able to let the twins loose in the garden 🤣

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Vie8126 I'm glad you're busy and has focus somewhere else...oh these kids, keep us busy...
My days just pass so fast...there's always something to do.

Well, like @Lillygolightly my hub wasn't happy either when I got preg with our rainbow. He was saying he was comfortable with our life, kids being bigger and more time for us, to travel and he stated last thing again were nappies and sleepless nights.

When she was born he didn't even hold her for some time. Kept saying she was too tiny...
Whole pregnancy wasn't supportive and we had silent days that turned into months...no intimacy...destructive time...
Might be he'd "digest" it and come to his senses...it'd be a pity to lose such a lovely family.

Yeah, contact bereavement midwife. It's what I did first, as early as 4w 6d or something.

Be brave...that little baby needs you to be calm.😘bug hugs.

[Vie8126]

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 @Lillygolightly thank you so much for your support. We still haven’t spoken he is working away this week until the weekend and it’s nice just me my dd and ds. Works been super busy so kept me occupied and the normal rushing around with kids of an evening. I don’t need him around anyway and need to focus on other things. I actually really dislike him he has remained a firm nope want no part of this. I thought maybe he was scared of the last time and how he lost me for so long but nope that isn’t his reasoning. His reasoning is all me myself and I reasons along with financial worries which I do understand but being nasty to me doesn’t change anything. He says I am selfish and the family we have is clearly not enough and I am risking everything for my own reasons.

I’ve reached out to my bereavement midwife and have a call with her next week as when I had a telephone app with my gp and she couldn’t see recommendations from the consultant on care.

[Lillygolightly]

Hi @Vie8126 firstly and most importantly congratulations on your long awaited BFP! I totally understand your head being all over the place, that’s absolutely normal. As for your DP I am truly very sorry he hasn’t taken the news in a positive way, it’s the last thing you needed.

I can relate somewhat, my DH didn’t take the news of the twins very well either, it also complicated matters that I was already bleeding when we found I was pregnant and with 2. Things did not look hopeful so we didn’t even discuss it, there was a very heavy atmosphere and tension between us until it seemed the babies might stick we didn’t really acknowledge it between us at all, and in fact avoided each other.

He didn’t much change his tune until we found out the sex of the twins and until after the 20 week scan. He was worried for me and for the twins and I was too, but unlike other pregnancies we didn’t excitedly plan for their arrival, talk much of names…that all came really in the final weeks. You would never know now that we had been that way, he’s so happy the twins are here…but during the grieving of our Alexander and my pregnancy of the twins I really wasn’t sure we would make it, we were as far away and as distant from each other as we had ever been.

I do really hope and pray that he comes around and supports you, but even if he doesn’t please know that you have the support of us here and we are all cheering you on and wishing you nothing but the very best! 💐

Quick hello to @MomLostInTheClouds and @Monkhouse2022 i will come back and update on me and the twins xxx

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Vie8126 I'm so so sooooo sorry to hear this...
These should be your joyful moments...it's all you've ever wanted and such a boooom...

How immature and bad is such thinking...
As you said, after showing his true colors, I'd call it quits anyway. I wouldn't be able to be with a man who doesn't want his baby...

I hope you'd keep her/him?
What is your plan?

You definitely need to know your ground and if it's over, closure.
Maybe he'd change his mind though if you tell him everything you feel...

Life can be so unfair...

I'm keeping fingers crossed you...we're hear to support you.

Sending ❤️

[Monkhouse2022]

@Vie8126 that is absolutely awful. We can all map out our lives but sometimes we get thrown a curveball and you deal with it (directed at your hubby). All this stress is not good for you. I really hope he calms down, stops and think things through rationally. Even if you wanted to be happy and get excited about a new pregnancy, your dp has not allowed you to feel good about it.
I’m really mad with the way he has reacted!

[Vie8126]

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 dont think we can work through it he has categorically said he doesn’t want it if I go ahead he will leave and basically down right bloody nasty if im
honest to the point I have had to block him. I’ve spent the last two days in tears. So think either way we’re done!

[MomLostInTheClouds]

🙌sending baby dust....


........ ..........* ............. ............


There's always hope...please please please don't lose hope ...

I'm sure it'll happen at the right time, as it did foe @Vie8126 and I can't wait to hear it from you.😘

[Monkhouse2022]

@Vie8126 Hello my lovely so happy for you with yr bfp.
Like @MomLostInTheClouds said your prayer has been answered.
I am sure you can work things out with your dp. You’re probably still in state of shock.
Pray for a healthy pregnancy with a healthy baby,
Wow @MomLostInTheClouds your lil one is crawling, how time flies.

I am still trying but not even a sniff of a bfp.
Last month my AF was for 2 weeks is this start of peri, really hope not.
I have to take each day as it comes. Since my loss my mental health has not been good. I just seemed to be fixated on the injustice from nhs.
I am now taking proceive max see if that helps. I dnt want to give up but time not on my side and I feel like the hope of having my rainbow baby is slipping away at such speed.
Anyway lets not sadden you with my misery.

Keep us posted on how you get on.

Big hug to you both…, sprinkle some baby dust my way, pretty please!!!! X

[MomLostInTheClouds]

*some free childcare

[MomLostInTheClouds]

@Vie8126 how are you today?
Does it sit well with you now?
Have you talked to your dp?😋

Well, having a baby is a game changer.. strikes hard in terms of time, self care, finances, etc. It's hard work!!!!!
My rainbow is entering the crawling/walking stage so she can be a handful.


But it's worth it...

You can still have a wedding, preg.
Now I believe the some care starts at 9 months so you can find a good nursery.

In the end, the baby is the answer to your prayers.
And I'm so happy for you...

I hope you'd have a healthy and uneventful pregnancy and send us the pics of that little munchkin in 9 months!

Nausea hitting or too early?
Take a good care of yourself there 😏

[Vie8126]

@MomLostInTheClouds I should be jumping for joy but I’m all over the shop. Dp literally said the other day another baby would screw our future plans. We just booked our wedding. I don’t know what to do or what to think. I’m terrified of everything.