Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

Good morning my lovlies!

Actually...almost good afternoon...and I don't know how it's already 12🙄...

How are you all doing?

@Monkhouse2022

@Vie8126

@Lillygolightly ???

Man...having a 16 months old after 40 is another level of gymnastics...it's like wrestling a hippo, chasing a cheetah and doing endless work...

Ladies...tell me...when does it get better?
When they're 2? 3?

I'm so knackered...sleep deprived...and joke that I deal with something I'd prayed for so hard just like 2.5 years ago.😫

Life's busy...
Hectic.
Won't lie!

My eldest is in secondary.
I feel I lost the grip of him.
He's so engaged in his social life and with friends...that I miss his little self.

My tiny boy who was just in reception is suddenly in year 2.
So opinionated and doesn't need me anymore, lol.

And my active rainbow 🌈 😍 lol...
Don't ask...!!!!!

She's cute, but I wish I could sit down, eat on my own, do something at home...it's such a mess.

Hi @MomLostInTheClouds I can commiserate on every level!! Twins will be 3 in just a couple of months, they are wonderfully exhausting!!! We do at least have sleeping through nailed down (mostly) I think my boy twin gets night terrors but it’s usually just a cuddle and settle him back which typically doesn’t take too long. The day times are something else though, I must have my eyes peeled at all times for mischief they might get into too, and being 2 of them they seem to egg each other on!

My 6 year old had also entered year 2! Seems only 5 minutes ago I was dropping her at reception class! So far year 2 has brought out a bit of attitude and a whole lot of questions, difficult ones like why do we die? does everyone have to die? Why can’t we visit heaven?

My eldest is now driving, got herself her first job (outside of working for our business) and she’s off the office every day in her car and so far seems to be enjoying herself. She’s 20 next month!! I can’t believe I have a fully fledged adult child!! She still lives at home with us, but I suppose she’s ready to fly the nest sometime in the not to distant future! Her boyfriend of almost 3 years is in the Navy and I suspect once he’s qualified in his specialism and is eligible for military housing I suspect she may leave then, though she really seems in no rush, which is a comfort as I shall miss her terribly when she does finally move out.

My teen has entered year 10 and has also just received a secondary diagnosis to her condition. I’ve just this morning had a meeting with school as to how they can support her through this next year. She’s been diagnosed with bio-mechanical chronic pain, this will be life long for her unfortunately and she will always need physiotherapy and other coping mechanisms, however the good news is, is that it is nothing sinister like cancer or autoimmune it’s literally just the way her body is built and other than having to watch over for not overloading herself physically it shouldn’t stop her from doing most things.

As for me, well in a couple of weeks time I am raising funds for Sands by hosting a remembrance ribbon display at my local church, so if any of you would like to have a ribbon dedicated to your angels please let me know, I would be so very honoured to include them in the display. Just let me know the name and date (if you want to include it) and you ribbon colour choice: Pink, Blue or White.

lots of love ❤️

Hey ladies!!

@MomLostInTheClouds @Lillygolightly well I’m 43 with a 3 year old I could noway cope being at home 7 days a week he is exhausting!! Nursery definitely wears him out! My dd is in year 11 now seems like only yesterday she started secondary those years go by so quick especially with boys mine used to disappear into their bedrooms and seemed to have grown every time they came back out and one day was a young man standing there!

My older boys are 24 and 20 next month so I feel ancient to be running after a 3 year old! I can’t believe he starts primary school September 2025. I am literally looking at infant schools and sixth forms at the same time 🤣

Feeling at peace with BLAW this year although I’m sure it will be emotional once here.

Life has been busy moving so fast not a moment to think really. DP and I are actually getting married next year so full on planning alongside the kids and work.

Oh dear!

Ladies!😑

Reading your stories just melted my heart. 😍

It was better than drinking hot chocolate on these rainy days...so much love just shines through them...family...care...daily battles and health issues (@Lillygolightly thank god it's nothing sinister for your girl!
My middle is also OK.
I don't know if I already mentioned that, but his lymph nodes are also OK, it's just lymphodemopathy ...and some benign changes...nothing sinister. He had detailed bloods, scans, etc. Can't really tell you what a relief is that...it's been bugging me for years...).

So is the age of 3 any easier?
Are you getting more time for yourself or not yet?
How do you keep all the kids connected and together? @Vie8126 this question is also for you.

@Vie8126 no freaking way!
You're getting married...!!!!!😛
I should be congratulating...but...my personal experience is so bitter!

Please, please...don't mind me saying that...but I regret so much getting married!
I only think about divorce in these days and how complicated it will be now...and if only I was free...cohabiting with him...it'll be like a breeze...just pack and go.
The paperwork, battles for the custody, getting all the dirt to the broad daylight...naaaah thanks...

So I'm stuck...and unhappy...and need to face the music.

I hope it'll go well for you though.
I wish nothing, but a happy ending and live forever ever after.

And yeah, having kids in such varied age makes you go through all of the issues.

I've been just reading about types of baby rashes, forcing my year 2 boy to do the homework and spellings, and having a serious conversation about chores and swearing with my pre-teen. Lol.
I'm a seasoned mom...🙄
It's so overwhelming and my husband is uninterested, not present...

I'm a single mom and always will be.
He's just there...but not for us.

@Monkhouse2022 ...are you somewhere there sunbathing on Mallorca again? Sipping these cocktails?
How's been life for you?
How's family? And your little one?

I wish my day was 48h...

BLAW scares me...
It's the time to go back to the dim and distant past...and no time soothes the loss.

On the 3rd of November...our angel 😇 boy would have been 2!

I wonder how he'd look like...
How his voice would sound...
Would he already talk?

😓

@Lillygolightly you can add my 😇 boy with blue 💙
HASSAN 2.06 2022

@MomLostInTheClouds my older boys don’t live at home so it’s hard!! They absolutely adore their little brother but are living their own lives with work girlfriends holidays and friends.

Not really time to myself I am at work Monday to Friday and he is at nursery 8-6. The guilt is real. The weekdays are a blur of nursery drop offs and school drops with my DD. Oh we have potty trained over the summer so no more nappies! I have been trying to get to the gym lunch times blast some music and have some time to me solely on me!

I absolutely don’t mind, we were both married before so I know the feeling. My divorce was long winded, hard and took a toll but I’m so glad I did it my ex husband and I share the 3 older kids. We get on there’s no arguments or rows or heated discussions we both just try concentrate on them and the fact one day we will stand in a room and watch them marry or enjoy a grandchild’s birthday together basically that they never have to choose mum or dad to any special event for them. My life for a long time was single parent to 3 it was easier in lots of ways you get your own routines can do your own thing on contact days/weekends. I’m not encouraging you to divorce of course just that sometimes the scary is not all that scary and I was devastated when my marriage was over and absolutely terrified but I survived and lived my life 🥰 (my children were a lot smaller than yours 8, 4 and 6 weeks!)

Basically life is too short to live it being unhappy 😘

@Lillygolightly my boy too please Arthur 04/05/22 💙

Hi ladies,

How is everybody?

I just wanted to come here and let you all know that as we are at the start of Baby Loss Awareness Week the Ribbon Display is now up, and as you have shared your babies names I thought I would share this here so you can see 🤍

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/4iLCgWBMrL3exhZk/?mibextid=WC7FNe

Sending love to you all ❤️

@Lillygolightly
I cried...myself to sleep!😪

Thank you!😍

Is it also such difficult time for you?

All memories come back to me...
It never hurts less...
Will it ever hurt less?

Sending love and prayers to all angel baby mamas 💗

Hi @MomLostInTheClouds

I was surprisingly ok doing the preparations for the Ribbon Display, and when it came to actually hanging the ribbons yesterday, but after making the video and then watching it back for the first time I was suddenly overcome with a tidal wave of emotions and bawled.

All the memories come back to me too, it still hurts just as much, and in some ways if not more…because the more time that passes the longer it’s been since I held him in my arms. Grief is complicated 💔

Sending so much love to all of you ❤️

@Lillygolightly beautiful video beautiful display! Thank you for sharing 🥰

Tough one here felt low all week, ds 3 came home from nursery and asked for a baby not a doll a real one mummy please can we have a real baby - broke me. It’s a huge struggle this week ladies sending you all love.

Just read through this thread from beginning to end, the strength you you mammas is truly heartbreaking and overwhelming - bless you all 👼

Morning lovlies...

Do you still remember me?

I don't know why and I don't know how, but suddenly all of you came to my mind and decided to check on all of you (and see if you didn't freeze lol!).

@Lillygolightly @Monkhouse2022 @Vie8126 @LuckyMoonstone and the rest of you who are still here.

How have you been doing?
How are your relationships, kids?
Any new babies?

My lovely god-sent daughter is feisty 2.5 year old chatterbox.

She's so pretty and smart and more that I could ever ask for.
She's giving me hard times with her terrible 2oes, but it's still best what I could get.😍

I bet all your kids are so grown now...

Suddenly my eldest is an argumentative teen, my middle one is almost 8 😑 and he was just a toddler playing in the garden sandpit while I drank my coffee in the sun, and my rainbow's baby hands are half the size of mine...

Oh, time is the biggest stealer...🙄

How have you been doing?
How are kids? Any new arrivals?🙃
How was BLAW this year for you?
Hiw are your relationships? ( I'm still with the same boring old man...15 years hit.)
Career-wise...are you in the same place?

I'm giving you warmth and 🫂 hugs before another magic Christmas 🎄 ✨️ 💖!

Hope to hear from you soon!

Lol...and me repeating the same questions shows best my mental state...thoughts rushing, peri-menopausal brain fog... please, indulge me 😫.

How are you dealing with it?
I've started red light therapy to handle my pains and wrinkles...yeah...it's this bad 😋...

Hi @MomLostInTheClouds lovely to hear from you and read your updates.

My twins are very soon to be 4!!! I honestly just can’t believe how fast it has gone. They recently started nursery only going 3 days a week 9am to 3pm and it’s given me some much needed rest. They have taken to nursery so well and have made friends easily and it’s also been truly lovely to hear the staff say such nice things about them. We are all on countdown for their birthday in a few days which they also share with their big sister, she will be turning 8 and they are turning the same age as she was on the day that they were born which feels somehow extra significant.

As much as it’s nice to be getting back to myself a bit, I am sad that the baby and toddler days are almost over. The twins are fully toilet trained now, no nappies, no bottles, no cots….I guess I feel I am still missing a baby, which of course is just me missing my beautiful boy. I still think of him all the time and I always will.

BLAW was emotional as always, I wanted to organise another Sands Ribbon Display as I did last year, but was too poorly to do so. I did manage to do a remembrance video with the names of all the angels so at least that’s something. It did make me realise I had some complicated feelings about it though because on the one hand I was sort of relieved that the ability to do it was taken from me, but at the same time I also felt sad and guilty that I didn’t get to do the display. It was super emotional last year and I cried countless times when I was putting it all together but I was so proud that I did it. Hopefully I am better health next year!

In other news my eldest turned 21!!! I can’t believe I have a proper adult child. It does really make me realise how quickly their childhood goes by. Time is a thief indeed!

I hope to hear from the others, would great to hear how you are all doing 💐

Love to all ❤️

@MomLostInTheClouds so good to hear from you!!

2.5 wow!!! How quick has that gone!

I am ok, youngest started school in September! Like @Lillygolightly I am sad the baby days are over. We recently moved house and had to get rid of all the baby items, was a struggle. The older kids are 25,21 and 17 and each of their birthdays this year has had me reminiscing over the smaller days. Not sure if it’s age or what but I feel like I’ve blinked and they are all grown. BLAW I wanted to include little one on the local ribbon display but I missed the announcement and couldn’t get his name on as was too late. I struggled as the first year I missed it and felt like he was forgotten. I beat myself up a lot. I find myself thinking a lot about what sort of little person he would be now, he would have turned 3 this year and how my ds would be with a younger sibling. I guess that comparison will always be there the eternal ‘what if’

DP wise we actually got married this year! Career wise I started another new job and facing a promotion. It’s been a full on year!

As for Peri don’t it’s a killer! Feel like my face is melting 🫠 not sure when I got so old when I still feel 20 odd.

Congratulations on the marriage @Vie8126

Peri is also kicking my butt, the itching oh my god the itching!!! It’s a shocking regular reminder that I’m in my mid 40s and not mid 20s!!! There are times I still feel like I should be supervised by a responsible adult….how is that adult supposed to be me!!! 🙈🤣

My DH also wants to get rid of baby stuff, I have let go of many things especially the big stuff but on the clothes I refuse and have hidden them! I actually would quite like for them to go to my eldest daughter if/when the time comes. Either way I can’t bear to part with them, they are precious to me.

For the next year BLAW I will pop a message here and I will happily include any names in the ribbon display I organise and I also make a remembrance video that I post so everyone near and far can view.