Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Monkhouse2022 I felt like that about counselling but I did find it helpful to have someone say all these feelings are valid someone away from my immediate circle someone neutral. I honestly didn’t think it would help as it’s just telling someone else and then sitting there nodding etc but it was helpful. Would you try a session and see how you feel or is it a totally off the table? Did you have a bereavement midwife available to you and if so do you still have that resource? Mine is still available and I can text her about worries or to see if my results are back etc. going over and over trauma in the mind can be a way of trying to process it maybe you’ll find one day on your walk you don’t think of that so much or thinking of it will become a tiny bit easier. Ttc and any new pregnancy will be filled with anxiety for all of us and anyone who had been in this situation so don’t feel alone in your thoughts there but you can only take one day at a time.

@MomLostInTheClouds yep every month a few days before my period starts I’m hyper vigilant around my body is that a cramp is that boob sore that kinda thing.

I agree a loss like this does rock your whole world and make everything seem so different and really make you reassess everything.

Will check the dr and supplements out….

Gp has agreed to run some basic bloods for testing my baseline hormones and thyroids due to my age and menopause looming. First step I guess is to get these sorted.

I’ve read if ttc take low dose aspirin 75mg after ovulation - does anyone know about this also wisdom of the womb tea.
I’m clutching at straws, think I lost my ‘last golden egg’ 8 weeks ago. @MomLostInTheClouds I have tried to write pros and cons of ttc and cons far outweigh pros. My anxiety and fear now is off the scale but ttc is one way of giving me a purpose.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm really not sure about aspirin - even though I'm about to take it from 12 weeks pregnant next time. GP claims it's not good for the pregnant, especially in the first trimester and I've also read some studies that support her claim. But my consultant and Professor S. do advice using it...and many mamas take them early on to improve blood flow, prevent clots and later on, to support the placenta.

Mamas, share your experience and your knowledge.
From which week you started aspirin and what was the outcome?

Well, if ttc gives you a purpose, like it does for me, I'd go for it.

I feel so bad today "making" a baby, oh lol, I feel I owe my kids more time, more attention and more me...Dunno..

I know a story of one woman who had late miscarriage inside her bathtub at home.
Then she had her rainbow baby, a beautiful boy. Once when he was 4 and his mommy was bathing him, he suddenly looked at her with a serious expression on his face and said: “You know, mommy, I have died inside this bathtub once”.
I hope your baby comes back to you with the next pregnancy @Monkhouse2022 . Please don't lose hope.

And I wish all of you, @MomLostInTheClouds and everyone else who commented here, much happiness. You are all so strong and brave.

I'm so very sorry. It's tragic and heartbreaking. I don't think they often know why these things happen. I'm so sorry for your loss. So very very sorry.
Take time to grieve x

@Vie8126 I do have a bereavement midwife and can call her anytime or she can come visit which is good. Atm counselling is off the table due to finances but somehow I really dnt think it is going to help but thanking you for your advice - you all mean well and more importantly understand.
@toucaninjapan what a lovely story. I can only hope my little girl comes back as a rainbow baby. I wish I could say ‘pray’ but lately I have started to question God.

@Monkhouse2022 sometime the Bereavement midwife can refer for funded counselling and definitely signpost to some local support if you would like some. Have you spoken with you GP and tried ADs at all? I completely understand how you feel as do we all on this thread. It is just a hell of a place.

Hello my lovelies,

How are you all doing?
@Vie8126 are you any better? Any counselling? Any good news?
@Monkhouse2022 are the days any better? Walks little longer? Any updates?

I've been thinking about you angel mamas...and I always wonder where all our babies are.

Few updates...

*Got to know I have a slight bladder prolapse.

🤔What's interesting is that everyone was fobbing me off when I was mentioning that I still feel some heaviness down there. I've heard I'd just given birth and it's normal, but we know ourselves down there and I knew something wasn't quite right!

Even private gynecologist who examined me didn't "notice" anything... but I went again and of course my worst fear was confirmed!

Lol, again gut instinct was telling me to do pelvic floor exercises (just in case) and take collagen orally, and oh lol, just now my GP told me so too...

*Another interesting thing is that I've recently received a letter from my consultant summing up our follow up appointment at the beginning of August.

I was puzzled to see that he suspects I have a short cervix (?? we didn't even speak about it and incompetent cervix was only mentioned as one of possible causes of miscarriage/ premature birth??).

He also recommended 400ng progesterone and a stitich. Again shock 😲...Before he wasn't willing to go with the stitich and like Professor S., dismissed me having IC, but now this letter ruined my hopes and peace of mind. ..

*It put me down because this week we were actively ttc!
I'm freaking out and... regretting?... with prolapse and short cervix that would be ...a hell lot of anxiety to say the least.

Anyways, in 10-12 days I'll know...
And honestly, as much as I wanted to be pregnant before these "exciting news" put me off.
Now I'm double petrified and feel like I should leave thoughts about new pregnancy for good...and just enjoy what I have (my 2 lovely boys)...
@Vie8126 lol my GP also told me that I have 2 children already so I shouldn't be that worried... (??????!!!!!!!)

Yeah...
Just wanted to share that sometimes a dream to have a baby is too scary and might never come true...

@MomLostInTheClouds I am ok, I have taken a step back from counselling for a short period. I think the pressure of trying to think of a subject had me really over analysing a lot of normal things in life and had me on the edge. Still no results from GOSH. Had another period which greets me each month with mixed feelings.

I am glad you pushed to find out re the prolapse. We know our bodies and know when something isn’t quite right. Pilates is good for the whole of the pelvic floor and deep core tissues if you could give that a go?

sorry to hear you didn’t have good news but a positive is there is a plan. History doesn’t have to repeat itself and it is normal to face pregnancy after loss with all kinds of emotions typical of what you are feeling. I have the same thoughts do we don’t we….I don’t get a consultant meeting until the results are back so we are just stuck in no man’s land. It is frightening and daunting to go down a journey that didn’t end well previously and caused so much grief but it will be a different journey so keep that in mind.

@Monkhouse2022 how are you feeling?

@MomLostInTheClouds @Thankyou for checking up on us. I feel somewhat a little better. I’m keeping up with my walks yet find myself still thinking about my little girl but it is only natural.
We are trying again but its such a mix of emotions. In my 2ww but I’m not hoping for any miracles to happen.
Sorry to hear about your prolapse but you are getting answers which is a good thing and people/medics are taking note. Let them do all checks at least you get an health MOT done in relation to fertility.

@Vie8126 as mentioned I’m doing ok and thankyou for asking. You ladies really don’t know how much this group chat helps me and I am grateful to you all.

I think we are all consumed with anxiety and fear of the unknown. What we have been through is devastating and to build yourself up again is going to be a mission but we can only try. Great big hug to you all x

keep us posted on updates x

@Vie8126 and @Monkhouse2022 so glad you're here as well as other angel baby mamas reading this/observing this thread.

Thank you for kind messages and support. I also find this place very therapeutic.

Life goes on for us...I know...

And I'm sending baby dust...again and again.

Today I've been looking at my baby's foot and hand prints and his photos from the hospital and I couldn't stop crying 😢 ...

I'm missing him!

I would have been reaching 33 weeks today...

It's one of these days when I again don't understand why it needed to happen.

I'll be back soon to tell you if AF came or whether maybe there will be a 🌈 baby...

Sending ❤

@MomLostInTheClouds I would have been 36 weeks now it’s hard going through these next few weeks. Spent time wondering how our ds would have been as a big brother to his little sister. I don’t think we will ever understand the why’s.

good luck this month both of you I have a while to go to 2ww but feel we have given it a better shot than previous months so far. Keep posting and updating xxx

I think we are still at that stage where we think about how far we would be in pregnancy. I would be 29 weeks as of today :(
I had a call today from health visitor from hospital asking how my pregnancy is going, I had to explain to her I lost my baby end June due to hospital negligence and wondered why she was not informed. Just that one phone call made everything come back into my mind like it was yesterday and it did upset me.

@Monkhouse2022 that's so insensitive to call you and ask you about pregnancy. I thought they cancel all appointments and put notes in the system (my bereavement midwife, who has been really amazing, did that for me).

Please, try not to worry and I bet the calling person felt embarrassed...
Long walk today?
Have you noticed acorns and conkers?
I love this season.

I hope that when we pass our due dates this thinking and app reminders will be off.

I'm adjusting to new reality now. This year I have my both kids at school and first time since 10 years I have nobody at home (but the cat) to take care of.

I'm working from home so it feels so silent, so strange...now I focus on self-care and I've always been waiting for this moment. But now it makes me feel uncomfortable! My baby boy was about to change it soon, and I feel so guilty again that my body failed both of us.

Yeah, I have my bad days back...

I guess it's just grief how the mood fluctuates (and my pregnant friends make things worse).

@MomLostInTheClouds I do a long power walk daily. Tbh its my way of getting my own time to think of my little girl and shedding a few tears from time to time. Today for some reason it hit me hard, maybe due to that recent call from health visitor brought it all back with such rawness.
I hope that each one of us can find the strength to get peace from this though I am a long way off. Still full of rage, anger, grief.

Ladies, I am really battling myself to try not fall into a dark place. This morning I decided to once again open my keepsake box which the hospital gave me which has my little girl’s scan pics and pictures of her when she was delivered my heart is broken. I feel broken. Can’t stop crying. I am
hurting so much. Keep thinking about what she would have looked like etc.

@Monkhouse2022 We're here to listen!

I'm really sad that you're also going through this...

I feel you even more coz I have my dark days back too, which I've recently mentioned.

Good, open your keepsake box as many times as you need to. I also do it very often. Maybe it makes us live through this pain again, but at the same time keeps us close to our babies.

I came home after the school run, seemingly ok, so started cooking. Suddenly I burst out crying and I cried and cried and cried for 30 minutes remembering my baby died...

I will never smell my baby...
Never see his eyes...
Never feed him...
Never put his Teddy clothes on him...
Never wrap him up in a coala blanket we bought...
Never take him for a walk...
Bathe him...
Comfort him!

He will only live in my heart and when I will be no more, the memory of him will be gone. As if he had never existed...

Being a grieving mother is having that hole in your heart forever and knowing the word NEVER better than before.

And it's this constant fear that tomorrow is not to be taken for granted.

And when you see your other kids sick, is praying whole night to god to leave you your living kids by your side coz you won't take any loss anymore.

Maybe it's the season that makes us more depressed or the fact that our due dates are getting closer?

Or maybe it will always be like this and hit us every now and then?

@MomLostInTheClouds I know exactly how you feel, the pain just hits you and that’s it, it all comes flooding back.
I would be 29 weeks this week due date would have been end November.
I personally think this is how it will be going forwards.
I am suppose to be getting response to my medical negligence complaint next week. Really don’t know how the hospital will gloss over the fact they forgot to request urine sample at antenatal app, how they didn’t give ultrasound to check baby at antenatal app etc. Its like a knife to my heart what the hospital has done. They have blood on their hands for not saving my baby. I no longer sympathise with NHS, I have such raw anger. I lost my baby due to incompetent professionals …. Period.

@Monkhouse2022 Oh dear, your experience with the NHS was really bad and tragic...I know, and I'd be as angry as you if it had been coz of them.

Maybe getting response from them would give you some peace?
Maybe there'll be apologies?

Sending hugs ((()))

BTW, yesterday my friend hugged me so much seeing me in tears again, that it made me feel better. Hug somebody today too. Even a Teddy (I always hug my teddies from the hospital, like a child).

In your case it's more "the incompetent NHS syndrome" than incompetent cervix...and that's why I'm so afraid that despite having the recommendations for future pregnancy they might miss something, fob me off, not catch it in time and that it'd happen again.

In my case everything was so rapid, as you know, that I cannot blame anyone (they did all the exams and followed all guidelines for low risk pregnancy which I was).

I can only blame my body...

I was supposed to practice self-love and was just doing pelvic floor exercises, but instead I want to shout at it and tell it I hate it for losing my baby and being weak (weak cervix, weak pelvic floor, slight prolapse).😡

Stupid pathetic body of mine...

@Monkhouse2022 how are you feeling now? I joined this thread feeling lower then I ever had I’ve been there and I know the feelings. It’s overwhelming and horrible and distressing. I don’t have any advice one day at a time one minute by minute that’s all I am doing. It’s increasingly hard coming up to the due dates. Sending you so much love.

I text my bereavement midwife yest re our results from GOSH as it’s been 18 weeks and I was told 16 tops still no results. She has emailed gosh and asked for an update and a timeline for the results. They are still saying covid!!!! So frustrating.

@MomLostInTheClouds the fear is horrible it’s the horrible things happen to other people and you live in your bubble ans everything is good then the terrible thing happens to you. It’s like everything else in your life is now fair game to these horrible things. I have stayed awake all night many nights since worrying about accidents car crashes etc etc almost playing them out in my head. The fear. It’s petrifying.

Ladies, ... I'm in pieces...

Is it PMS before my period (I don't think we conceived this month coz I feel strong cramping and backpain)?

Is it me being more alone in these days? And the things coming back to me over and over again?

Or is it just grief that gets intensified at times?

My friend took me for a walk and we ate nice things, talked, laughed, but when I came home I just burst into crying again and sat with my boy's photos staring at the sky...

I thought I was OK.

I thought I got over it. Everybody thinks so...

But I miss him so bad...@Monkhouse2022 😔 like you miss your girl...

It came to the point I feel physical pain in my heart thinking of it...

I came here...
It's my safe place to share all that pain...

@MomLostInTheClouds Let it all out on here….. we are here for you.
This is the only place where I can feel a bit better as I am around ladies who feel same pain as me.
I am so sorry to hear your period may have started but it could possibly be a sign of ‘implantation’.
Don’t think the pain of losing our precious baby is ever going to go away or even ease. We had hope and dreams for them and it was taken away from us in a flash.
Big hug x

@MomLostInTheClouds its grief that’s how I felt when I found you all here. I thought I was ok but a few drinks with friends and a conversation around our girl and boom I literally lost the plot. My behaviour was terrible my actions worse. How my dp never left me I don’t know. I didn’t know where it come from felt confused upset embarrassed. Grief is a horrible emotion.

My girl would have been here almost by now. My childminders dil was pregnant at the same time and had her baby today was painful saying congratulations. In regards to ttc you are never out until you are out so you never know. I had intense pains last night god knows what that was about think I have a good 7 days to period due. My cycles are getting shorter convinced it’s the big M on its way which means I’m going to be out for good. It’s all so bloody shit and sad. I am sorry we are in this position sorry we don’t have our babies sorry the grief is so bloody hard to navigate and predict. Sending you big love ❤️ xxx

@Monkhouse2022 @Vie8126 thank you for so much support and understanding.

I've just picked kiddos from school and feel better when they're around.

Grief...
I guess this is what it is...

And only some days trick you to think positive.

Yeah, maybe these pains are implantation. But last 2 months my periods were shorter, very painful and the pain usually started 2-3 days before. Just in case I bought First Response - at least in testing I find some fun by the end of each cycle lol...I'll test tomorrow 😅...and I wasn't supposed to do it...but this hope...this need...is there...

Love you all.

Take care and I'll let you know if I got bfp...soon.

@MomLostInTheClouds ill be thinking of you tomorrow you never know xx