Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@Vie8126 @Monkhouse2022 thanks for being here and for kind words.

Today is not my day.

AF made me emotional and I'm just hiding my tears from kids and hubby.

As for hubby, I feel so much anger and resentment towards him.

He is never there for me.
Doesn't support me and understand.
I have feelings of hate for him.

I wish he left me and divorced me.
He's not what I need and I hate it too...

@MomLostInTheClouds men deal with grief differently and I don’t mean to sound rude (so pls forgive me) maybe your husband is grieving and prefers to bottle it up and carry on with his everyday life simply to keep normality for the sake of the children.
My husband does not freely talk about our exp nor about our little girl its only when I open up and share he talks but even then our SO will never truely understand how we feel. I asked my husband straight up why is he not in an emotional state like me and he said he is hurting just as much but both of us can’t be down in the dumps at home its not good for our little boy as they will pick up on it so he is letting me be while he tries to keep his chin up and keep our little man happy as he is far too young to understand. I really hope I have not spoken out of turn my friend or offended you. We are here to listen and support like you do so well for us. You both seem to be the only two who totally understands my grief, my pain, my great sad loss.

@MomLostInTheClouds you are grieving, I said horrible things to my DP I have felt all the things you say then I swing back to love and hating being alone. Are you having the same swings of emotions? Men deal with things so differently and the one thing it showed me is that we grieve differently are two such different people. Normally when someone is grieving in a partnership one person has the monopoly on the feelings like it’s one of his parents or relatives or yours. A child well that’s so different it affects you both just as hard and just the same. My dp didn’t stop working even worked the afternoon of her funeral. Albeit from home. He didn’t talk to me for fear of upsetting me. So I felt like he was over it. When her tiny coffin arrived at the chapel I went to hold his hand and he pushed me off. It made me resent him all the stress we have had from his ex wife I blamed him for and told him it was his fault and I hated him for it. Ofc my feelings swing still depending on where I am in this journey. I just wanted you to know that I understand your feelings towards your DH and that this is likely very much part of your journey xxx

I'm back...
2nd day of AF and I'm less emotional and a bit back to being myself.

I shouted at my husband yesterday so much that poor thing (who never says sorry!) even apologised and hugged me😆...

Today upon hearing I'm on my period he looked really disappointed 😞.

I think we both taught it'll be as easy as last time (and all our 3 times - 1 month and baby...)...

@Vie8126 lol, how's the test?

I've thinking about you and I hope there's a line (they say not to read the test after 10 minutes, but I also sit with mine, put flashlight, stare - just to see the lines which never showed for me this month).

I have a gut feeling maybe you're the lucky one this month!

And I still hate my husband today lol, but yeah, it fluctuates...love, hate, love, hate... or both at the same time.

@Monkhouse2022 I'm not offended dear. I'm glad people show me a different persepctive... when you're emotional (like I've been lately), there's little logic in my words and actions, and somebody else's opinion may actually make you see things from a different angle.

Yeah, and I know he also had his dark days after loss...but as I said, he never talks about it and only cried with me one time...

He's a provider, he has always been, and he has to think and plan things related to our household. But he's also very traditional thinking this is enough, like he just works and that's it. He's not there for me to talk or listen, to watch a movie, go somewhere...always too tired, on the phone and I feel like I'm a single mother if you know what I mean.

It's like we live together, but I do everything on my own and around the house plus my work, plus kiddos.

I wish he gave me a helping hand, took care of me when I'm in pieces (even bring a cuppa or cook), but it's wishful thinking.

I imagined as a young girl that married people do things together, but since 12 years I'm left to myself...

Since like a year I decided I'm fed up and started to go shopping myself, meet friends, go swimming and go to places to cheer myself up and live.

Tbh it's hard to live with a man whose main question everyday is: " what did you cook today?"

I sometimes prefer to avoid him, but when you want a baby... it's hard, innit?

Bear with me...
I've been pain in the neck in these days, but I'm just trying to learn how to live again after my world crumbled...

And these dates...so many things planned for my son's due date and instead of going to the cemetery, I'll have to be around people at my kiddos school ...

@MomLostInTheClouds I am so pleased to hear you feel a little brighter today!

haha ah the test situation well I’m sure you will see the funny side. Did the test yest looked chucked it into the drawer to deal with ds. Came back to shower and had a look blue cross was hmmm. Went into town picked up a boots early test straight to the grotty toilet thought I saw a line starting but just a very very faint one. My friend saw the faint one too was like hmm maybe the start of something. Anyway… told dp who then picked up a coop early yest did that last night obviously as well why wait haha negative. It didn’t stop there oh no because pay day never stops a woman on a serial testing mission in fact it actively encourages it. So I was in town again today so bought the elusive FRER and went straight back to the grotty toilet and yeh well that was negative. Unlikely to stop there it was a two pack….come and physically restrain me! I’ve been cramping all day and my period is defo about to come so I’m not sure why I am still literally pissing money away I think I’ve finally cracked.

we have a big day out next sat with friends which involves a bottomless brunch and an overnight stay but if I was pregnant we wanted to cancel the overnight stay and just come home and Sunday is the last chance to get a free cancellation. I know it sounds ridiculous in the grand scheme of things really.

I feel you with the dp issue, mine is working from the moment he wakes up until we go to bed 7 days a week and has just started a degree. I must be nuts to want to add another small person to it but I do want to. Can you bath ds can you do this for ds but he is always bloody busy! Do you all get fed up of thinking of dinners? Eurgh my pet hate.

what are you doing on your sons due date? I’m not sure what to do for dds

@Vie8126 you cracked me up! At least you saw something sometimes on your tests lol...wait wait wait...they always say you're out once you get AF.

I was also buying and buying and testing...and should have been physically restrained too (splashed out good £30 amidst cost of living crisis!).

And I'm left with AF, sore boobs (why?!), no sanitary towels (it was the last thing in my head)...

As for the 3rd of November, Thursday, I'll be at school, but during the weekend I'm hoping to go to the cementary with balloons, cake and "celebrate" the birthday of my 3rd son (that would never be) with my boys.

Tell us what you came up with for your angel.

Long long time ago an astrologer told me I'll have 3 sons...and I keep on wondering if the living ones are only included (and we'll have 1 more living ones or if that's the total with my angel son...grhrhr.

Have fun my dear.
No more grotty toilet.
Wait to cave yourself in if AF won't show up.

@MomLostInTheClouds honestly I’ve pulled them apart shone a light thru them even sat them on a lightbulb to take photos I’ve inverted them…you name it I’ve done it. And shit I forgot sanitary towels too so I won’t have any either. I dread to think what I’ve spent on pregnancy tests this month I’ve had to go to different shops so I’m not recognised as the crazy lady with a handbag full of negative pregnancy tests LOL. I don’t tell dp about my testing issues either as far as he knows there was 2 but there’s actually been 5 in the space of two days god help me. If I didn’t have that poxy blue cross on the clearblue I’d be sane (ish) I’ve even written an email of complaint to clearblue….I told you I’m nuts. Sore boobs do you do that weird jig when your coming up to AF to check if they ache like I almost jump up and down to see if they feel heavy and tender or is that literally just me?!

aw your celebration sounds lovely! My dd is 12th October so not long. We don’t have a place so I am a little at a loss. I’ll likely talk to her and cry in the bedroom if I’m honest. Tried to get my ds some winter clothes today and was just faced with girls clothes why are the boys sections so small in comparison.

I am positive we will all get our rainbow 🌈 xxx

@Vie8126 since today you'll be "the crazy lady with a handbag full of negative pregnancy tests"...

I laughed so hard, my oh my...almost cried.

Naah, my boobs never hurt, only when pregnant... so I guess "I'm the old crazy lady feeling pregnant every month" oh lol...

@Vie8126 hoping you got a bfp !!!!

Feeling very low and depressed. Keep looking at my little girls pics when she was born, breaks my heart. Her due date in November. Just thinking about it gets my stomach in knots. People say time heals it doesn’t seem to be the case for me.

@MomLostInTheClouds @Monkhouse2022 I got a bfn on frer yesterday with fmu. Still no AF convinced myself I’m menopausal now or AF just tricking me.

Cannot believe we’re nearly in October my girl would be almost be here now. Spend my days wondering about her and what life would be like with her in it. Instead her ashes are by my bed.

@Monkhouse2022 I think we're in the same (dark) place right now.

😟 I mean I thought I was quite ok with my grief, but last few weeks I'm completely down. I put it down to autumn and the 3rd of November (his due date) coming.

When was your daughter's due date in November?

For me this time would be like reaching 35 weeks, and I keep on thinking...

🤔 my bump would look like, how big would he be, how would I have given birth to him and with whom would I leave the kids, and how would he look like!, and when would I take him for his first walk, and how would my boys react seeing him (alive), and how would I organise shopping and morning routine with 2 school children, and millions of things like that...

My socials and TikTok are full of reels with those chunky newborn babies and then I burst out crying and sob in despair longing for my boy.

Guys, do you get physical pain grieving?

I literally feel 😩 pain in my heart when I cry, sometimes it feels like tearing me apart...these emotions are strong while I thought I healed a bit...but not at all...not at all!

@Vie8126 when was your daughter's due date in October?
Well, sometimes instead of the cementary I wish I'd had my boy next to me... the vision of him in that cold grave and little white coffin haunts me and gives me chills...he should have been in my arms!!!!

Bfn until AF is in town can still turn into bfp...
Keep on updating us.
I hope you'll soon tell us that you've got it.

I also feel menopausal event though my gp tells me I'm not and that I'm still fertile and my results are good...

But I feel like 92 years old - ladies I swear, yesterday after swimming 🏊‍♂️ I had pain in virtually every part of my old body...

It made me freak out and wonder how something as old as me can carry a human for 9 months...

Oops, I did it again...
I said no tests, no efforts and here I go again...😑
First time using ovulation sticks even!🤔Am I this desperate?
Obsessed?

@Vie8126 oh you said you're due date is 12th October. I've just re-read. Sorry, silly me.

Shopping spree for boys' winter clothes and shoes gave me depression...everywhere baby clothes, Gruffalo, Disney themes, Winning the Pooh...I felt the urge to buy, buy it for my baby that will never come...and be!😥

Yeah @Vie8126 and girls' departments are much better! So much glitter and chique and choice! My son was ready to take pumpkin 🎃 shape dress for Halloween coz there were no trick or treating pumpkin costumes for the boys lol!😜

Anyways!
I'm crazy!
With these sore boobs😫 , random nausea (finishing my period so maybe got food poisoning or dunno what?!), and ovulation coming soon, I'll be testing even more and more and more...

Told you, need to restrain me ...
If only my husband had seen this...

@MomLostInTheClouds we are mad testing ladies it seems. I did my last frer with fmu and a clear negative still no period. I don’t know what is going on. Was in bed last night with terrible cramps. I’m convinced I’m peri menopausal now. I have a drs call Wednesday and going to ask for my bloods with them as midwife has been giving me a radio silence. Should I test again? I literally don’t know.

All I could get my boy for Halloween was a skeleton Onesie and he is too big and walking really for that but it will do.

Oh my dp doesn’t know what I’ve spent on tests either. But you know we’re in the same boat us girls so talk away about all the weeing on sticks here it’s our safe manic testing space!

@Monkhouse2022 how are you doing how was your weekend? We don’t even have our photos yet still with the elusive bereavement midwife I don’t really want to keep chasing her I feel like a burden but we want our photos.

Hey Ladies, sorry I have been a bit quiet I have been reading your posts but Im just stuck in a rut feeling hopeless. Spoke to my MW to refer me for counselling so hope to spk to someone soon. My little girl was due mid November. Just thinking about it now gets me all teary. My wknd was ok. I feel like I am constantly negative on here but I can’t help the way I feel….. broken!

@Vie8126 I think maybre stress is delaying youtr AF but do spk to your gp maybe they can do tests.

@Monkhouse2022 dont feel alone you have us to share with we understand. It’s such a hopeless place to be in. I feel like a horrible limbo I’m not sure what I feel is going to change after my due date but it feels like a significant marker. Trying to get through the days with a smile so everyone thinks I’m ok but really I feel the same broken. It’s never going to happen again for us I just know it I know my body isn’t going to let us have another dc and it’s like some horrible double whammy. Not only did we loose our dd but any chance of another child full stop. Don’t worry about not being positive here either this is a place you can share your thoughts. Sending you love xxx

@Vie8126 thankyou. Im in same boat, lost my baby girl and think that was my last golden egg which makes it even harder to comprehend all this.

@Monkhouse2022 good to hear from you😘you were on my mind and I kept on wondering if you're any better.

And if not, it's OK!
Guys, it's really OK not to be OK.

I've recently discovered it myself...
Since I was a kid I was taught that I should be super happy, super positive and when I was sad or depressed or couldn't cope, my own mom called me "mental" and shouted at me/mocked me to pull myself together (sometimes you don't know how! And I'm so glad you're trying to get some counselling. We're curious to know if it helps).

Now I'm allowing myself to feel.
To cry.
To feel sad.
To miss.
To hope.

As for the last one, I'm like both of you...

I feel it was my last chance to have a baby, and my body wasted it (before getting pregnant was a one-month thing, and now getting pregnant and staying pregnant seems to be out of my reach. I see all these people with small babies and I'm like: how come it seems so easy for them to have babies while for me it's like the highest mountain ⛰ 😳 and I can't even carry to term...).

@Vie8126 you're not a burden. Don't feel to delicate and fight for your things, chase. I also had to chase my letter of recommendations for future pregnancy and my results, and had to contact my Bereavement team every week lol, but it's for you. Get it, even if you have go call them 10 times (I have calling anxiety lol so texted and emailed a lot too).

And yeah, if you're gut tells you something is off and maybe you're peri-menopausal (which I don't think so), try to explain to your GP and I'm sure they'll run some tests. Look, with my prolapse I had to see 3 doctors, and only when I asked and pushed for further check up, they confirmed my biggest fears...

We spoke here that we're not nuts.
We have instinct
Our bodies know before we know.

Keep us updating.

And are you still ttc this month ladies?

I was so positive after buying my tests, but my husband is so busy that I'd have to chase him lol to get the job done...

Ufff...

Get this feel to feel what you feel and work on these feelings...whatever they are.

Man...
I was in a hurry and auto-correction screwed my post...last sentence was
Get this week to feel what you feel...

@MomLostInTheClouds my mum says a lot of similar things. Get up face the day wash your hair and put your makeup on apparently it makes everything fine. She doesn’t like the idea of counselling she thinks it’s ‘messing with your head’ when my marriage fell apart (he cheated) she told me to go home and clean my windows and I’d feel better?!

I know, I’m a very apologetic person I’m constantly apologising for everything hence why I feel awful for chasing all the time.

My GP did give me the form for bloods previously but I lost it and couldn’t make the bloods appointment as had broken my foot so will get them to do the paperwork again and get them done. I also have call anxiety lol so I always text!!

Well when AF turns up and that’s over and done with yes we will continue without birth control and see what happens. We don’t get much chance if I am honest ds hasn’t been sleeping and been in bed with us and we’re both shattered. But yeh AF still not showed I am trying to not think about it trying to not worry etc as know that will just delay it more. So I doubt it very much but if I were to have somehow been lucky this month, I wonder if as mt cycles are super short at 24/25 days I am testing too soon as that would only make it 3 weeks not the standard 4 with a 28 day cycle? Im teaching and having my mind whirl a thousand miles an hour. How am I meant to wait out the rest of the week? What would you ladies do?

@Monkhouse2022 good luck with the counselling I really hope you find it a positive experience and it can be arranged for you soon.

@Vie8126 them mothers...?!
What are they even thinking?

Will we be the same for our kids?
God forbid!🙄

You're counting it right I guess and sometimes when you're super early, frers won't even do the job and I read millions of stories of ladies getting a bfp on 15, 16 or even 20 dpo.

I'd test every 2 days as hcg spikes every 48 hours, and what was negative 2 days ago can be a bfp later on. How many dpo are you? Standard cheapies detect 20-25miu so might be too early and possibly only frer (6.5miu) would do the job.

Unless you feel AF coming, then save your money lol (last time I felt nothing and was so bloody hopeful and splashed like a boss on all possible tests!).

And my husband will be away soon and we also quarreled (I can't bear him, I told you guys) so how in the world will I get to it during my ovulation?!
Another month wasted probably...

S* happens...

@Monkhouse2022 isn't this true?

@MomLostInTheClouds I am reaching I meant not teaching haha.

I hope you didn’t quarrel over anything major. It’s horrible I hate arguing and confrontation.

Ick I hope not! My oldest son can be quite down at times and I defo do not tell him to ‘pull himself together’ I try to guide him to solutions so I hope I have learnt from it to be honest.

Oh if only I knew when I ovulated wouldn’t that make things simple. I have no clue. Nothing says I even did tbh I’m trying to remember if I noticed any of the usual signs and remember thinking ooh ewcm I’m ovulating but could quite easily have been a different month. I have another clearblue In my possession (just don’t ask how LoL) I’ll do it first thing tomorrow I guess if it doesn’t show. It all feels like a cruel trick my body is playing on me on top of my due date next month.

when does he go and when roughly do you think you’ll ovulate?

@MomLostInTheClouds such a fitting statement about grief.

Ladies if you are going crazy over ovulation etc…. I have gone one step further/mad, spent £60 on CB ovulation test kits and also ordered CB fertility monitor (all whacked on credit card of course).
Although nothing can replace my baby girl I want to try everything for nxt few months in ttc.
Its like I am focussing on this like a project so not to dwell on my grief. Get the feeling its all going to blow up in my face but Ive got to hold onto some hope. We all do x

Ladies, ladies, ladies,

I'm laughing through tears...we're all the same... we all do the same things...trying to keep our sanity after our loss.

Ovulation, cycle tracking, conception, testing, pregnancy - last big fat project before we're menopausal and before it's really too late to hold this little bubba in our arms.

@Vie8126 according to my app (Meet me) I'll be ovulating on the 5th of October and he's "unavailable" from 4th to 9th...all my fertile days...broken down isn't a word.

He frowned when I shouted at him that he doesn't even have time to "make a baby" and my bloody biological clock wouldn't wait for his days off!

He thinks I'm crazy 🤪 I saw it in his eyes before he spat out that he doesn't want trouble and children anymore. Like he means it.

He killed me and my big hopes...I can basically trash my ovulation sticks!

BTW, screw this ovulation! I always knew when I have it (mucus, sex drive, very specific cramps), but in this cycle no mucus, nothing (?!) and like I wasn't ovulating or my body is so unregulated that I've lost trust in it and what it's doing, and when.

I also woke up scared last night.
I had a dream in dying coz of some pregnancy complications. I was so scared I'm leaving my kids! (Told you, my older son was already afraid to lose me after that tragic home delivery).
I started to think I don't want to be pregnant anymore...coz the fear will eat me alive, literally...

Like I get sings...that it's not for me.

And these comments I've heard today..."You won't try anymore, will you?"

@Monkhouse2022 I hope your "mission will turn all possilbe" with all these extra aids. Fingers crossed. I know it gives the sense of purpose. It was keeping me alive last month! Now I feel I lost my sense of life and there won't be a baby ever.

Jesus Christ, if I could, I slam my head against the wall coz I just can't take this tension 😫...

@Vie8126 I'm sure you have there more than just 1 clear blue oh lol 😆 use it. I'm waiting here for results, as anxious as you. Grotty potty time lol.

Baby dust for you 💓 💗 💕 💖

And for me whole chocolate cake to soothe my pain...October will be barren.