Trying to cope with late miscarriage at 18 weeks😪

[MomLostInTheClouds]

Hallo there,

I've been here for a while and read hundreds of similar stories like mine...
It helped me not to feel so alienated with my loss (never knew there's such a thing like late miscarriage!), but still - it hasn't soothed my pain.

I literally can't understand what had happened (it's raw, just 2.5 weeks ago, with burial on last Friday and follow up appointment with the consultant still to be scheduled after my bloods and placenta results come back; we didn't opt for PM).

I'm 39, have 2 healthy boys (thank God, they keep me sane!) and generally healthy. Before getting pregnant I had my bloods done too and everything (but low vitamin D which I supplemented) was fine. I used to be treated for hypothyroidism, but my TSH and whole thyroid profile came good too. I also lost some weight before (I have always been big, but managed to stay fit and did my zumba workouts religiously).

Got green light to get pregnant and couldn't believe it happened so fast. In a month we saw 2 lines! I was over the moon imagining a little dumpling joining our family, reorganised the rooms up to have space for nursery and dreamt of a newborn's smell...

Everything was like in the 2 previous pregnancies: intensive morning sickness up to 13th week, food aversions, fatigue, etc. The only thing different was yellowish discharge, but since I had no itching, burning or any other symptoms, I was told it is normal.

I was putting on weight, bump was becoming more visible and I could feel his first flutters. What a feeling!

Wednesday, 1st of June (International Children's Day)... things started to get weird.

I woke up very tired and in the night felt pain all over my tummy and found it hard to breathe - like pain in my lungs. Put it down to sleeping too long on the right side and getting bigger. Went to the toilet to find light pink discharge on my panties. Again, a bit puzzled, but when I wiped, there was nothing so again, tried not to worry and spent time with kiddos watching cartoons, playing, eating. Seemingly a normal day of a pregnant tired mommy...

Now I think that it wasn't normal as my gut feeling kept on telling me I haven't really felt baby flutters in a long time (put it down to feeling under the weather and being busy with kids). Then period like cramping started to creep in making me unable to stand. I also felt some pressure in my pelvis which was quite familiar from previous pregnancies, so again, went on with my day. By the evening, I was knackered and went early to sleep even though I wiped a lot of brown discharge during my last toilet visit.

2 am. Sharp abdominal pain and literally labor like contractions coming and going made me jump out of the bed, get dressed and grab my pregnancy file. I ran down to my husband to arrange going to the hospital. Just wanted to visit the toilet thinking it was a sudden bowel movement... but after sitting there for 2-3 minutes, no pushing... a baby and blood popped out of me. I could not believe it. Shaking I looked down and felt the umbilical cord and another gush of blood. Then I just remember my husband calling for ambulance and being rushed to the hospital with a paramedic holding my sleeping bundle of joy.

The reality hit me in the hospital bed. I was struggling to deliver my placenta when my little boy (perfect!) was brought to me in a tiny white basket covered with a crocheted blue blanket, and when they started to take his foot prints and our photos, and handed me a memory box. Holding this memory box and my wee boy on my chest shouted out loud to me that IT IS OVER!

Why?
Why... how?
So fast...?
With few warning signs?
In 1 day?
All over?
All my hopes, dreams...taken away.
Buried.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME?
WHAT DID I DO?!

Was it because I have a cat?
Did I get toxoplasmosis? (Was cleaning her litter box)
Was it that Mc Donald's meal I had few hours ago?
Or was it the last coffee? (I SHOULDN'T HAVE DRUNK COFFEE!)
Was it my age?
My weight?
Some other infection in the womb?
Placenta?

...

There are days I still feel pregnant.
I still rub my tummy.
I see my baby in front of my eyes and cry everyday.
I see his little coffin.
I see his little clothes (his first clothes for the hospital arrived just the day before! He was supposed to leave the hospital in them...Alive!)
And I don't know when I'll get over it.
Even if I should get over it.
When I laugh, I feel guilty.
But for my kids, I smile and wipe my tears on my sleeves so they don't see me down.
And I feel terrible to be wanting another baby, to even try to ttc again...
If I could, I'd love to be pregnant now...(?!)

Don't know how to cope, really.
The feeling that I should have gone to the hospital just to check, hunts me and produces 'what if' scenarios in my head.

Venting here...
Trying to calm down...while waiting for my results (and maybe some answers; hoping it won't be 'one of these bad luck cases').

Feeling 100kg lighter.

Anyone else going through this?

@MomLostInTheClouds

My story of loss and how it started and how happened is very very similar to yours. I lost my son in February of 2021, prior to my loss I had carried 3 healthy pregnancies to term. I was also 39 like you.

Much like you I thought of every possible thing that could have caused it, the glasses of Prosecco I’d had when I didn’t know I was pregnant, the Pate I had eaten at that time too, cleaning the cats litter tray, the paint fumes from decorating our house to lifting something heavy. My bereavement midwife assured me that it was none of those things, but I just thought how can she know that!

My son was tiny and perfect, I decided against a post mortem as I just couldn’t bare the thought. I did opt for the placenta to be tested and so had histology done. The wait for the histology took a little over 3 months for me and nothing was found. The only thing was the umbilical cord which was a 2 vessel cord (should be 3) but 2 vessel cords are capable of supporting a pregnancy to term, they can sometime indicate certain conditions but none were found on the histology results so essentially I am still the dark as to the loss of my son and what caused it. I have just had to try and accept that I will never know.

I did go on to fall pregnant a short time later and with twins too. I was absolutely terrified, my loss, my age and the fact that I was higher risk just because it was twins. I would love to say that my pregnancy was straight forward but I had bleeding from the start, and a few episodes of big bleeds that was not only triggering but convinced me I had lost my babies. My bereavement midwife was excellent in getting me extra care and scans. I think I was at the EPAU 4/5 times prior to my 12 week scan and they say me again when I had another bleed at 15 weeks. I also had regular cervical 3 weekly scans from 16 weeks to keep a watchful eye on that and then later growth and Doppler scans to check on the placenta and cords. I can’t fault the care that I received. I was then booked in for a planned c section at 37+1, I couldn’t face the risk and uncertainty of labour despite having previously had 3 good labour/births.

I am now very very lucky to have 7 months old twins born safe and sound. Looking back I was such a wreck throughout the pregnancy. I didn’t plan much for their arrival as I could never let myself believe that it would happen. I didn’t have their cribs, or bouncy chairs or anything bought/set up. I had it all sat in my Amazon prime basket and didn’t check out until I was in recovery after my c section and the twins were safely here. I of course had clothes and car seats but only because they were necessary to have for in hospital and the journey home. I do wish I had enjoyed my pregnancy more especially as it was my last, I requested to be sterilised during my c section as I had just turned 40 and knew I could never face the possibility of going through pregnancy and another loss again.

Going through a late loss is hard, it’s all consuming at first and the grief and sadness so overwhelming. It’s hard too when you don’t get any answers and that just seems like another thing to come to terms with.

Pregnancy after loss is a difficult and tricky road to navigate too. I definitely missed the optimism and innocence that I’d had with my pregnancies before my loss. You know loss happens but it’s removed from you, and is something that happens to other people until of course it happens to you. Then you fall pregnant and whilst it’s difficult a small but strong ray of hope burns away and scared and frightened though you are, you hope that lightning won’t strike twice and the overwhelming chances are is that it won’t, and you just have to hold on to that.

I am so very sorry for the loss of your son, I think about my son every single day, he is never far from my thoughts and I am sure the same is true for you. What I can tell you is that while it will always be sad, the passing of time has made it much easier to think of my son now, I can think of him fondly and remember him without shattering into a million pieces and for that I am very grateful.

@Lillygolightly I'm not sure if I should first say sorry for your loss or congratulate you on all your kids and lovely twins. 😊

My dear God, why our boys got wings?
Why?!

Our stories have so much in common that it literally hurts!

That night haunts me all the time and I wake up in the middle of the night and think it over and over and pray and cry and pray...

In the daytime, I'm trying to hold on and smile...

Reading about your bleeding and twins pregnancy gave me chills. I tried to imagine what you went through and I wanted to tell you that I'm proud of you and of how brave you were...
You were given double the gift of love after your loss. How amazing is that!

I'm so happy you completed your family and that you will never have to go through this again. I'm sending lots of ❤.

By the way, My Amazon Baby Wishlist is still there (like was yours before twins)... with a basket full of baby staff (pram, car seat, etc.).

As I wrote before, I just got him some clothes before with my kids (they chose onesies for their brother), bottles, nappies... just to close them secretly in one of the drawers which I sometimes open and smell, and cry... My youngest son chose him kitty sockies for his arrival, and I love to touch them even though I know he would never wear them.

The dream that my 🌈 baby might wear them one day keeps me optimistic even though I don't even ttc, or talk openly about it with my husband. We just mentioned it long time ago and I think we just leave it to luck. I'm just so hurt that I'm afraid to plan and prefer to assume that nothing good can happen than to feel sorry that it didn't happen. If that makes sense...

Today I fixed my second tooth (root canal treatment) and again heard that my increased CRP coz of dental infection and cold could have really caused it...or at least contributed to inflammation, and it contributed to miscarriage...

I maybe believe in this theory, as unbelievable it may sound, since it's the only thing in my case that had been pointed out as for now.

So yeah, I'm on the mend.
Looking forward for the future.
And definitely if anything happens or I'll get to know some more, I'll get back here...

My friends don't get my grief...
When I told them, some stay silent, some tried to cheer me up or talked nonsense... I'm not angry with them. I myself would find hard to talk directly to somebody who lost the baby...

@Merryhobnobs So good to hear from you! I've been going through your story and so many things were too familiar...

I just think you were lucky to have your husband next to you... Funnily, my husband usually has night shifts, but strangly few days he stayed home.
I thank God he was there exactly that night, and he also called the ambulance, and stayed with the kids while I was rushed to the hospital and bled heavily. I was so alone. With my cold sleeping wee boy on my chest. I cherished that night with him as I knew we wouldn't meet again...

You mentioned that your body probably "ejected" your baby, and it might also have been the case with me. I had high CRP, dental infection and cold, and now I'm told that all that inflammation also could have made my body to "eject" an otherwise healthy baby boy.

I'm happy your baby is with other kids and will have his leaf. My boy was buried next to sleeping babies and I like to imagine they play together...

And such a happy ending... you got your 🌈. You're brave too. Strong and amazing.

Your story made me smile and gives me (and possibly other ladies here) lots of hope.

Thanks for sharing!😃

I don't know if anyone would find this helpful, but there's nice research about periodontal infections and late miscarriages (between 12 and 24 weeks of gestation).

Basically "Oral infections can trigger the production of pro-inflammatory mediators that may be risk factors for miscarriage."
The bacteria gets to mother's bloodstream and can prompt different immune reactions in the expectant mothers which could even lead to miscarriage, preterm labour or stillbirth.

Scientists have recently found that there is especially one type of bacteria living on the gums that can initiate chronic inflammation, and lead to the process mentioned above.

After being told that my bad tooth and severe periodontal infection (root canal treatment done recently) were likely to have caused my late miscarriage, I read a lot, googled the latest scientific studies about it, went through related research and here I come...

Sad, angry, surprised...

I knew there was something going on with my tooth, but never ever would I have thought this can lead to this!

Here I am... an educated woman, in the 21st century that was completely unaware of the consequences of having a bad tooth on her pregnancy/or rather its loss...
😐😥

@MomLostInTheClouds oh wow I never knew that. Torturing ourselves with the ‘what ifs’ is not going to help, I’m still battling with myself too. However your message/advice about this will hopefully help another and avoid miscarriage.

@MomLostInTheClouds

Thank you for this information, it’s definitely something I hadn’t considered but perhaps should as I also had a bad tooth with a crown that had broken. As it was during lockdown and having moved to a new area I wasn’t registered with a local dentist. The tooth never caused me any pain, but given that the nerve had been taken out during a previous root canal I may have been unaware of any pain/infection.

I’ve been working to pluck up the courage to request my medical notes as I know they may answer some questions I have, but at the same time I’m also scared so I just keep sitting on the fence, and to be honest I’m not sure if I’ll ever manage to get off the fence at all.

Hi

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my first little girl in November 2019 at 19 weeks. My waters broke at 18 weeks and then I went into labour a week later. I'd had a tiny amount of bloody discharge the day my waters broke and then contractions until my water broke, at which point the contractions stopped.

At the time, I was the same as you, no explanation at all for what happened. No sign of infection in all their tests and placenta was fine too. I also decided not to opt for a PM as when we saw her, she was just perfect and I just knew there wasn't anything wrong with her. With no explanation other than, it must have been an infection that they just couldn't detect, the doctors told me that when I would fall pregnant again, they would watch me more closely.

I fell pregnant again 3 months later, obviously a hugely anxious pregnancy but I just took each day as it came and told myself everyday that I would be bringing a baby home this time. I fully convinced myself of this and so when I ended up back in the hospital at 22 weeks after experiencing the same tiny amount of bloody discharge and was being told that my cervix was opening, I couldn't believe it.

They then diagnosed me with an incompetent cervix, slightly different to a short cervix, mine was still very long but just too weak to hold the baby in. So I did actually experience contractions when it started to open, rather than the completely painless opening they told me is normally the case.

I got an emergency stitch placed which they told me they didn't think would work as my cervix was 5-6cm open and very soft, they said best case scenario, I would make it to 24 weeks but that that was unlikely. 6 weeks later, at 28 weeks, I did go into labour and gave birth to my second daughter. She spent 7 weeks in NICU before she came home. She's now about to turn 2 and doesn't seem to have any lasting effects.

Don't write off the idea of a weak cervix, I believe mine was caused by a previous D&C damaging my cervix. Your own could have been weakened during previous births. Just make sure they explore every avenue if you fall pregnant again and don't necessarily just let them 'wait and see'

@Lillygolightly that's interesting 🤔 considering I was in a similar situation. I had a tooth fro which the filling came out multiple time (also last time during Covid) , but since I felt no pain, I just thought I'll fix it one day...

Days turn into months and years and I wasn't even aware (no pain?!) it got rotten on both sides and infection reached the root (visible on xray). It was very severe, until now I'm on antibiotics and also have another tooth to make...😥

So these dental things can be tricky... and my dentist also instructed me that every woman should visit the dentist before and during pregnancy to avoid such tragic outcomes...

But my instincts (I'm not a medical professional) is telling me it might have been incompetent cervix too (as @northwesternskies mentioned it) and low progesterone.
Thank you for telling me that you actually had contractions. In the hospital they tried to convince me it happen without contractions and is painless...(?).
Anyways, I read hundreds of stories of other women with weak/short/incompetent cervix and low progesterone, they all sounded far too familiar (of course in my case periodontal infection is an extra factor).

I honestly plan to go private too to talk my concerns over, evaluate the risks and then see if I would put myself into this situation again 🤕.

Pregnancy after such loss would literally drive me 🤪. I'm a 'born worrier', and as I was reading your story @northwesternskies I just prayed to read further there was a live birth!
You're also amazingly strong that you went through this and I'm over the moon that your lovely 28 weeker was OK and now is a healthy toddler. Ufff...

You're amazing ladies. 👏

I yearn for a baby.
This feeling makes my daily life miserable and I only think when would be my time to get pregnant again (I was told to wait min. 3 months, also because of chronic infection in my tooth).
I feel my family will be complete with one more baby. 😋

It's funny that my first son came to this world because my husband wanted a baby so bad, second son was our decision and third (👼) was supposed to be for me. It's just now I got the real maternal instinct. Before I never even thought I would have kids. And I feel like life played a trick on me.

Ladies, just got back from my daughter’s funeral. She was in a tiny box, I wouldn’t let her go. It was so difficult ….. I just cried uncontrollably. Asking her to forgive me for not looking after her. I want my baby back. I didn’t want the curtains to close I wouldn’t move and held onto her little box tightly. Feel so lost, so numb 😭

@Monkhouse2022 I’m sorry, that’s so sad. I went through the same thing in March. Its so painful. Sending you so much love and strength to get through this.

I got his ashes a few weeks later. We still haven’t decided what to do with them. They are in a box by my bed and I like knowing he is next to me. Sometimes when I’m dusting our bedroom and I have to move the box out of the way I say hi to him!

@Monkhouse2022 Oh love, ((((hugs))))😥I feel your pain! Seeing your baby girl in a box being buried is heartbreaking. Please try to take care and be kind to yourself.
Cry, if you need. It clears the soul and washed the pain.

I remember myself crying and standing next to my baby's open grave with his little white coffin inside. I also felt like I failed him and didn't manage to carry him...

It's a picture that never leaves your head. It's stuck there like a slide.

My baby boy was buried almost a month ago, we visit him a lot in the cementary, and trust me, it's easier now (doesn't mean less painful and I still tear up), but you learn to live with that.

I'm so sad everytime I buy him teddies, memorial boards or bagdes, windmills and butterflies for his grave thinking that these should go in his cot...

I'm happy I have him there at least. When my mom miscarried a baby like 30 years ago at around 5th month like me, these babies were medical waste and the mothers weren't able to see them or bury them.

@LuckyMoonstone That's sweet that you keep him close to you and talk to him. I talk to my boy when I pray...and when I go to cementary.

@LuckyMoonstone

My baby boys ashes are also right next to my bed, he sits with his memory box and with our Aching Arms teddy. I also have my little clock and it’s permanently set to the time of his birth. I’ve been searching for an urn for his Ashes, I’ve been looking for over a year and nothing ever feels good enough. I hope I can find something someday as I don’t want him in that little card board box forever.

@northwesternskies I wanted to thank you for your post about your weak cervix and telling me not to write it off.
My gut was telling me to search more about it and so I joined Incompetent cervix UK on FB.
To my surprise, I've found there hundreds of stories like mine and self-referred to the leading specialist in this field - Professor S.
We're having consultation soon as it is actually quite possible it might be short or incomplete cervix and the stitch might also be the solution in future pregnancy. 🤔

Can I ask which stitch did you have? Mac Donald's or low or high shirodkar?
How was the procedure? Painful? Scary?
And life with it? Bedrest?
Was your stitch actually a failed one (early labour) or what did they tell you after?

I'm so 😱 😨...

I’m glad you’ve looked into it. I’m on that Fb group too, it’s been great to know that I’m not alone. I think it’s so shocking that most women have to experience 2 second trimester losses before the NHS will diagnose IC and allow for an early stitch to be placed. I don’t see why stitches couldn’t be placed at 12 weeks if there’s even a slight chance that IC is possible, after 1 loss.

I think my stitch was a Macdonald. Although I’m not sure which one I’d get if I were to get a preventative stitch in future.
For my procedure, I had a spinal anaesthetic so I couldn’t feel what they were doing. It was definitely scary but that was more due to the fact that my stitch was an emergency stitch and my water bag was bulging out of my already open cervix and so was a much riskier surgery than if it had been done earlier in my pregnancy before my cervix had started to change.
Afterwards, I was on strict bed rest for a few days but after about a week, the doctors encouraged me to get up and about a bit more. But personally, I didn’t really want to because I was worried about doing too much. The doctors did say though that next time, when I get a preventative stitch, they wouldn’t expect me to need any bedrest.

I personally don’t see my stitch as a failed one because in general, emergency stitches last on average for 5 weeks as they are usually placed after your cervix has already started to open whereas preventative stitches tend to get women to full term because they take the pressure off your cervix before it starts to soften on its own.
The way I see it, without my stitch, my daughter would have arrived at 22 weeks and probably wouldn’t have made it but instead we got her to 28 weeks and she’s still here and thriving.

The doctors seemed fairly confident that the next time I fall pregnant, a preventative stitch placed around 12 weeks should get me to term. Obviously I’ll be hugely anxious throughout but I have to just trust the stitch and have faith.

@northwesternskies you're very lucky that your stitch kept your baby inside till 28 weeks and yes, the baby is here! (BTW, I didn't know that emergency stitches last to 5 weeks only though.)
You're in that group too so you know how many of us aren't this lucky, and the fact that it usually takes 2 losses (or more!), as you said, is outraging.

Of course I still haven't received the placenta and genetics, but my hospital keeps on talking about infection and infection only - not really explaining how it got there (but we know that with IC it might have come through open cervix).
I know that my bad tooth could add to infection levels too as it spread to my blood, but find it difficult to believe that it was the only reason.

IC is overlooked, but I won't let them fob me off and would advocate for next baby and ask for a preventative stitch.
Let's see what my hospital will say and how they will react to Professor S.'s recommendations and pre pregnancy plan of action that we plan to make...

My hospital suggested no plan by now, but I'll update everyone soon (after all my appointments)...

For now, I bought colorful windmills for my boy's tiny grave and can't wait to visit him in the cementary.

I try to live a healthy life preparing my body for pregnancy and taking all possible recommended supplements that ever existed on planet Earth 😆...

Take care ladies.
Have great summer holidays.

Hello beautiful ladies,

How are your summer holidays going?

As for me, time somehow stopped... it's been the longest 2 months of my life (since I lost my boy exactly 2 months ago).

I had a zoom meeting with Professor S. yesterday and debrief/follow up appointment today in the hospital to plan for future pregnancy.

I'm in a worse place than I had been before. As you know, throughout this time intrauterine infection was the suggested cause. It turned out there was no infection in the placenta and only in the blood (my bad tooth), but both doctors claim that in the end it wasn't enough to cause loss at this late stage.

Placenta was perfect, no blood clots (also suspected), and bloods as we already knew - all clear... even sugar was perfect.

Both suggest incompetent cervix isn't the case either (as I have 2 boys, no infection was there and with IC there usually is as the opening leads in bacteria in) and refer me to preterm birth clinic and rainbow clinic since 6 weeks (consultant-led care) if I get pregnant again.

Of course progesterone, baby aspirin and cervical scans since 12 weeks and stitch if indeed it would come out as the cause.

I'm puzzled, I hoped for some answers and all I heard was that it's one of these mysteries....

Any one of you experienced something like this?
Was left with no answers?
No medical explanation?

I desperately wanted to put my loss down to something.
Now I'm afraid that it can happen again as there is no cause of loss whatsoever...or maybe there's something sinister not yet discovered.

I feel like doing it again is so risky...
But human nature is tricky and tells me to try again.

@MomLostInTheClouds I bet even though it has been 2 months it still feels like yesterday when such an awful tragedy happened. Big hug to you. It has been 6 weeks today since I lost my baby girl at 17 weeks.

Just like you I am hoping answers from the post mortem but I feel its going to be either inconclusive or nothing could be detected. Im pretty sure it will be the latter as my miscarriage was down to hospital negligence. Investigation ongoing.

I too am thinking whether or not I should try again but I want to give myself a few months to heal. I feel risks are too high now with me and future pregnancy (age related) I have an appt with Professor S too and hope he might give an angle on my situation.

No doubt you are feeling lost like me. Everyone is getting on with their lives but here I am stuck and can’t move forward with the constant ‘what ifs’.

I wish I had answers for you but I understand where you are coming from x

@Monkhouse2022 ...I'm again so sorry...I'm so terribly sorry for your loss, my loss and for any loss any mom had to ever go through...early or late...

I've started to be kind to myself and as pathetic as it may sound, I feel sorry for myself too...

We, moms of babies born sleeping, feel each other and we feel our pain.

Yes, this pain...it's always there, 3, 5 weeks or 2 months later...just some days are busier/better and some are just full of grief pouring out of every part of me.
Then I put this amazing song on YouTube -"Precious child" and cry...I cry until I feel better. Do you know it?

I'm glad you'll talk to Professor S. soon. He will surely shed some new light on your case. He's amazing and kind, and I do trust him and believe I'm not the IC case (at least not straightforward; as he said it's very unlikely, yet I'll be watched closely from 12 weeks with cervical scans coz we want to cover all the bases).

And yes, be prepared that sometimes PM and placenta and bloods show nothing.
Write to us here if you get to know anything...I'll be keeping my fingers crossed for you.

Today somebody told me that God wanted to give me a lesson with my loss and since I'm so depressed and no explicit medical issues are behind it, I started to think about this other side...spiritual one. Who knows?

I've learnt to kiss my boys longer, hold their hands to sleep, smile to other moms and kids outside, give more love and attention and kindness to everyone...

And when I was leaving maternity I told my boys that we will bring the baby home...one day...😳

One day...

Quick facts I've learnt from my appointments:

Omega 3 fatty acids (especially DHA), vit. C, D and E and folic acid of course lower the risk of premature birth.

Any infection within the body increases the risk of body activating white cells and pro-inflammatory mechanisms that can contribute to preterm labour.

There is no food that can fix IC, but collagen and coenzyme Q10 (ubiquinol being more bioavailable) help bodily tissues regenerate and heal faster (including cervix).

@MomLostInTheClouds you are not being pathetic, you are allowed to feel sorry for yourself. So glad I have ladies like your goodself for the support I need.
I just listened to that song and what a beautiful heartfelt song, brought a tear to my eye.
I do or shall I say did believe in God but lately wonder why God would do such an awful thing. I cannot understand how a baby can be taken away so soon esp when we have a good heart and are a good human being - why do we get punished like this.
Thankyou for the heads up advice. I am already taking omega 3 tablets and I have been taking ubiquinol for almost a year - I believe it helped me get pregnant 3 times (first 2 were early miscarriages).
I will keep you posted on my developments and pls do same x

Hi sorry to jump on this thread. I experienced a similar loss at 20 weeks this year .. completely out of the blue and quite traumatic. Its something I never expected especially after having had a previous first trimester loss. Tentatively starting TTC again but I'm scared it either won't happen as quickly as it did the last two times and then even if it does happen . .. the same thing will happen again. Its really hard being surrounded by people with straight forward pregnancies . And the grief is like nothing I've ever experienced

@MoMomLostInTheClouds i just came across your thread and couldn't read without replying.

Firstly I'm so sorry for the loss of your little boy. What did you name him? Welcome to the club that none of us want to be members of 😥

I lost my sweet Matilda on 30 August 2020 at just under 19 weeks. All bloods, placenta and PM came back clear. "just one of those things" although I suffered from bleeding throughout the pregnancy and was diagnosed at 14 weeks with a subchorionic haemotoma. I was told this would resolve itself and cause no long term issues. This has been blamed for our loss it didn't resolve, it grew and my consultant thinks it unfortunately grew between my placenta and the uterine wall.

Matilda was born alive and lived for 2 hours. Due to this we had to register her birth and her death. Hardest thing ever. We had a funeral for her and we have her ashes. We have a little shelf at home with a Teddy on, her ashes and some candles and the reading we read at her funeral.

We were also gifted a bear from Aching Arms charity which I found very comforting. We have donated a bear in Matildas name also so another bereaved parent will receive one in her name. You could look into this if you wished.

We decided to ttc quite soon after (around 8 weeks as my recovery was delayed due to retained products and I had to have emergency surgery) and my son was born in August 2021, almost a year to the date of matildas birth.

His pregnancy was filled with anxiety and so many mixed emotions, grief, guilt etc. I was monitored closely and had cervical length scans every 2 weeks just in case but thankfully they were always normal. Medically it was an uncomplicated pregnancy and he arrived safely and is coming up to his 1st birthday.

I'm still in pain from losing Matilda. I have so many unanswered questions, I feel so many feelings of guilt and failure. I believe this will never leave me. Every time I look at my son I wonder if she would look like him. Every time he reaches a milestone I wonder when she would have reached the same. I hurt myself with these thoughts every day.

There were lots of incompetencies with the NHS surrounding my care with matildas pregnancy, birth and after care and I did make a formal complaint which was listened to and when I was on the ward having my son, one of the nurses from the EPAU dept came to apologise to me about how things were handled which made me feel even more guilty that even a year on she was clearly harbouring some sadness surrounding my care and how she dealt with me knowing I complained about her department. However this did leave me feeling some kind of closure surrounding their care. They're humans after all.

I also received some counselling via the lead bereavement midwife. Please dont be afraid to reach out for this if you feel it would be beneficial to talk through your emotions. Everything you're feeling is normal. There is no wrong way to be or feel.

Xxxx

@Seekingher you're always welcome in our club. And I'm so glad you're here. I feel exactly like you about ttc. This fear, doubts... in my case obsession...
And we haven't started yet and postponed it till November/December as Professor S suggested. If it was up to me, I'll start today!

Yes, these uncomplicated pregnancies and pregnant women... they drive me 🍌. I was going with my son to reception to prepare him for school in September and when I saw all these moms-to-be with big bumps (mine would be also that big), I put my sunglasses in the class to hide the tears. Not that I'm not happy for them, but it constantly reminded me of my loss and what could have been, but never will be...

Please, write about your new ttc adventures... we want to be part of it, support you, and I'm sure many of us will also try to update everyone about our new pregnancies... (that made me feel guilty already, but let's sprinkle some baby dust and wait for the 🌈) !

So sorry for your loss 💐

Ladies I am sorry for your losses. Its coming upto 7 weeks since I lost my sweet angel at 17wks. My heartaches. Hopefully post mortem results should be back soon though I feel in my heart she was perfect and it was ALL hospital fault for their negligence I lost her and thats what makes it harder everyday to live with.
The pain I feel is intense I just want my baby girl in my arms.
@MomLostInTheClouds are you referring to Professor Shennan? If so why did he suggest you wait if you dnt mind me asking?!