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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

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Original poster

I lost my baby.

187 replies

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:16

I'm hurting and I don't know what to say. This is the first day since he passed that my family have left. My baby was just 3 weeks old, 8 weeks premature and died in my arms after I had fallen asleep with him. It was horrific to wake up to. I can't forgive myself and I don't think my husband can either. My heart aches. I feel physically sick...we can't confirm the date until we get him back from post mortem. I'm dying inside and would kill myself if I hadn't already got a toddler to look after. Is there anyone our there lost their baby this way? Where do I go from here?? I hate myself for what I've done.

OP posts:

DarlingDarwin · 27/03/2022 19:19

Oh Lulu that sounds so terrible. I’m not sure what to say really other than that we have all fallen asleep holding our babies - you were clearly tragically unlucky. Are you and your partner getting some counselling support?

Rainallnight · 27/03/2022 19:20

I am so sorry. Poor, poor you. I have no special advice to offer, I didn’t want to read and run. Do you have any real life support? I’m sure there will be specialist charities who could offer you support.

pepinanalilyplant · 27/03/2022 19:23

I so sorry Lulu. I hope you are getting some support.

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 27/03/2022 19:26

You have got nothing to forgive yourself for. I’m so so sorry this has happened. Speak to your doctor and they can give you lots of information about charities which can help you and your husband. Thinking of you and sending love x

BoodleBug51 · 27/03/2022 19:33

My second baby was stillborn, OP, and it was only my toddler at home that kept me remotely sane. Waiting for all the post mortmem/blood tests was horrendous, and even worse when it came back as no determined reason. I couldn't get my head around a baby dying with no reason why.

Just take this time moment by moment, try and drink sweet tea if you can't face eating. It does get better, I promise, but it doesn't happen overnight. And it's not your fault. These bloody god damned awful cruel things happen, and there's no rhyme or reason most of the time. Put any blame out of your head, I wasted so many years of my life playing the blame game. I'm so very sorry for your loss

Original poster

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:35

I hate myself. He truly was a miracle and fought his way through NICU amazingly and failed him and destroyed my family. We have been referred for counselling but I feel in limbo until we have the funeral. As far as my husband is concerned he came home from work to me fallen asleep and literally woke me up saying "don't sleep in the bed with the baby it's dangerous" to us both realising he was dead. From then it's a massive blur of attempting CPR, police, paramedics...it has been so traumatic. Yet I was never treated badly or suspicion. It would have been easier to have been put to jail. Not everyone knows...my husband was literally getting congratulated on the new baby last night and couldn't bring himself to say.

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Original poster

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:37

@BoodleBug51 I'm so, so sorry. It's so unfair.

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Chocomelon · 27/03/2022 19:37

OP I'm so sorry. I lost a baby and it is awful but Mumsnet was a gear support to me. SIDS /cot seat does happen and the outcome may have been the same whether the baby was in bed with you or in their cot.

Would you like to tell us about your baby?

Tronkmanton · 27/03/2022 19:37

You have not done anything wrong. We’ve all fallen asleep with our babies in our arms, intentionally or not. My premmie would not sleep if he wasn’t in my arms. You were tragically unlucky. I can’t imagine what you’re going through and hope you have some support in real life. Sending

Chocomelon · 27/03/2022 19:38

Also I meant to say my baby was stillborn and I blamed myself for a long time. You must try not to blame yourself. Easier said than done. Losing a baby is hard so ugh as it is.

LatteandaCake · 27/03/2022 19:39

It is not your fault

Please please don’t ever think it’s your fault. It was an accident or it could have been due to other factors you just don’t know at this point in time but one thing that’s certain is it is NOT your fault.

Please reach out to your gp or health visitor and get support.

Sending you so much ❤️

bellalou1234 · 27/03/2022 19:40

I'm so sorry for your loss, heartbreaking.. xx

Original poster

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:41

@Chocomelon he was just an absolute miracle. He was so early and he powered through NICU, surprising all the nurses and doctors. I was literally told they never let a baby out at his age but he was doing so well that there was no benefit to him being there.
It feels like all my fault that I exhausted myself to the point that I did and had been determined to breast feed. If I had bottle fed it may not have happened. I will never know and I just thought I was doing what was best but couldn't continue using the pump because I couldn't get enough that way!

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Puddlelane123 · 27/03/2022 19:41

I am so incredibly sorry for what is an unimaginable loss. I will add to what I hope is a chorus of people telling you that this wasn’t your fault, it was a tragic accident and your precious baby who knew and felt your immense love would not want you to add guilt and blame to your grief. Be very gentle with yourself. I follow a youtube mum from New Zealand who lost her 8 week old daughter in similar circumstances and she talks about all the accompanying emotions and the grieving process. Her name is Judea Arthur - might be worth a look.

BoodleBug51 · 27/03/2022 19:42

Oh Lulu, you poor darling. That's just horrendous. No one of any sane mind would blame the exhausted mum of a newborn baby for falling asleep with the baby feeding/in your arms/in your bed. I can't count how many times I did. There but for the grace of god go any of us. And there may be a hundred different reasons why he died.

We waited 6 weeks for the post mortem which we had with the Consultant, and longer for the cell/genetic tests which came by letter about 3 months down the line. I'm pretty sure that under these circumstances, you'd get a response much quicker.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 27/03/2022 19:42

How utterly heartbreaking! I am so sorry this has happened to you and your family.

Your baby would have felt your love whilst in your arms.

WTF475878237NC · 27/03/2022 19:44

I'm so sorry. What a terrible thing to happen to your little baby. All you can do is take it hour by hour for now I think and try to keep your toddler in focus when you feel like giving up. You can survive this. You can also contact charities like Lullaby for support - as PP said you're not the first mum to have fallen asleep with a baby, that's why the guidance around not sleeping with a premmie exists sadly.

JovialNickname · 27/03/2022 19:47

It's not your fault, it was a tragic, terrible accident. My heart goes out to you and your husband. I echo the previous poster who said your baby would have felt your love whilst in your arms

Namenic · 27/03/2022 19:47

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I have fallen asleep with baby in arms or in bed and it could have been me. You were trying your best to cope.

TheFnozwhowasmirage · 27/03/2022 19:48

I'm so so sorry. Please do not blame yourself. I'd put money on there not being a mother on here who hasn't fallen asleep with their baby in their arms or next to them at some point. New motherhood is exhausting,and babies love to feel close to their mums,it's incredibly beneficial,that's why kangaroo care is initiated in neo natal units.
Can you tell us about your lovely son? What was his name?

Chocomelon · 27/03/2022 19:51

OP you will never know "what if" and you could drive yourself mad thinking all those things. As others have said, we all have fallen asleep holding our babies. Having a young baby is exhausting. You were just very unlucky for this to happen. It shouldn't have happened.

I'm sure your gorgeous boy knew how loved he was.

I hope the post mortem results come back soon and give you some answers and that you are able to get some closure from the funeral. I found planning the funeral was the last thing I could do for her and it was a nice day as much as a thing like they can ever be nice.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 27/03/2022 19:54

Another one sending you heartfelt good wishes. Most of us have fallen asleep with our babies in our arms in the exhaustion of those early months. Please try to be gentle with yourself.

BingBangB0ng · 27/03/2022 19:58

I’ve fallen asleep in bed with my baby in my arms. This didn’t happen because you did anything different from what many, if not most, mums have done. The exhaustion is real and we’re biologically programmed to get sleepy with feeding.

You got extremely, extremely unlucky. You are a victim of horrendous misfortune not guilty of anything. I’m so sorry for your loss.

ladydimitrescu · 27/03/2022 20:00

This was not your fault, this was horrific luck and desperately unfair. I am just heartbroken for you. Please do not blame yourself.

Original poster

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 20:02

Everyone is so kind. I wouldn't blame anyone if they wanted to berate me as everyone knows not to fall asleep with the baby :( it terrifies me even looking at my toddler sleeping now...he keeps me going but I'm so scared of making a stupid mistake with him too.

The funeral is a struggle. We are keeping it very small but I'm getting caught up in the details. His clothes etc...I want to keep what few things meant anything in his short little life. I thought I had an outfit picked out now I'm over thinking it. Its so hard but he deserves at least this to be done right for him.

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