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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I lost my baby.

187 replies

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:16

I'm hurting and I don't know what to say. This is the first day since he passed that my family have left. My baby was just 3 weeks old, 8 weeks premature and died in my arms after I had fallen asleep with him. It was horrific to wake up to. I can't forgive myself and I don't think my husband can either. My heart aches. I feel physically sick...we can't confirm the date until we get him back from post mortem. I'm dying inside and would kill myself if I hadn't already got a toddler to look after. Is there anyone our there lost their baby this way? Where do I go from here?? I hate myself for what I've done.

OP posts:
surreygirl1987 · 27/03/2022 20:37

Oh god. I'm so desperately sorry for you. I have fallen asleep with my son in my arms- both my sons when each of them were babies. Nothing happened but that was just chance. Also, I have known babies to die of SIDs just in their cot, going along with ALL the safe sleep advice. It does happen, no matter how hard you try to follow the advice. I can't even imagine how awful you must feel, but please please don't blame yourself. It could have happened to any of us. I don't think I know anyone who hasn't fallen asleep with their baby at least once. You were just desperately unlucky that the worst happened. I'm so so so sorry.

supercalifragilistic123 · 27/03/2022 20:37

Please please stop beating yourself up. Your baby was born premature and premature babies are far more likely to have apneas (stop breathing).
This is not something you have done, it is a cruel fact of nature due to your baby's underdeveloped central nervous system.
I am so sorry for your loss Flowers

tigerbird · 27/03/2022 20:38

Oh my love, my heart goes out to you. This wasn’t your fault. Many very premature babies have health issues that are not immediately apparent or visible. You have had the most awful, tragic accideb

tigerbird · 27/03/2022 20:39

*accident. Please try not to blame yourself. Reach out for as much help as possible. Do you have access to a dedicated baby loss counselling service like Petals? xxxx

DaphneeBridgerton · 27/03/2022 20:44

Could have happen to so many of us who had no option but to sleep with their baby on them due to sheer exhaustion. It’s not your fault. Sending you prayers - please try to forgive yourself

Flatbrokefornow · 27/03/2022 20:48

I am so, so sorry. I can’t even imagine how devastating that is.

Please do your utmost to be kind to yourself. Your baby died, and that’s terrible, but it doesn’t mean it wouldn’t have happened if you had acted differently. It’s a horrible reality that some babies do die, and we don’t fully understand why. I wonder if you could take comfort that your beautiful baby died in their sleep in your arms? They knew so much love and contentment there. I’m sorry if there’s no solace there. Perhaps one day there will be.

I have fallen asleep holding my baby, too. Many, many mothers do. I’m so sorry. Babies shouldn’t die. Have you been able to contact SANDs? I’ve had friends who found them invaluable. I hope you can grieve in whatever way seems right to you.

fortheloveofcheesecake · 27/03/2022 20:49

I'm so sorry for your loss. Please be kind to yourself, this was not your fault. Sending love to you all.

MagnoliatheMagnificent · 27/03/2022 20:49

So sorry for your loss.
This charity may be able to help: www.tommys.org/baby-loss-support/neonatal-death-information-support

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/03/2022 20:53

Bless you. This was not your fault. Flowers

Pointlesspolice · 27/03/2022 20:54

OP please don’t blame yourself…every mother will relate to the shear exhaustion and have dosed off holding their baby ! I dropped my newborn whist feeding him because I fell asleep. Sending you my thoughts and best wishes and please be kind to yourself.X

kagerou · 27/03/2022 20:55

It's not your fault

I slept with my tiny prem baby in bed with me countless times since she was born. I really doubt there's any mum out there who hasn't done the same either through choice or exhaustion.

Sadly prematurity increases the risk of sids more than anything else does. By breastfeeding and giving close kangaroo care you gave him the best possible chance of reducing those risks.

As for falling asleep the majority of sids cases involving co-sleep also involve those under the influence or those falling asleep on sofas so its questionable weather it does pose a risk by itself at all.

Please please be kind to yourself, you did not cause this. You were just with him when it happened. He was loved and not alone.

Summerfun54321 · 27/03/2022 20:55

Billions and billions of mums have slept with their babies like this. Please don’t blame yourself 💐 this horrible tragedy has happened to you and your family, you aren’t to blame.

strawberrycheesecake1989 · 27/03/2022 20:55

Words don’t do it justice but I’m so sorry for you loss and wish you and your family nothing but the best for the future. Please be kind to yourself xxxxxxx

Maharajah20 · 27/03/2022 20:56

What @BeingATwatItsABingThing said. Your baby was wrapped in your arms and in your love when he passed. 😇

Mummacake · 27/03/2022 20:58

Please don't blame yourself Lulu 🥰 He was just too precious for this world. What is his name? Sending love to you all ❤️

BrutusMcDogface · 27/03/2022 20:59

I am so, so sorry. This was not your fault. I hope that in time, with counselling maybe, your husband will start to realise this. He’s grieving and raw at the moment but it really was not your fault.

I co slept with all my babies. I’m sorry this happened to you but it could have been any number of reasons.

Take care of yourself Flowers

clarysageandlavender · 27/03/2022 21:00

THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT.

I'm so terribly sorry for you. I hope you will receive a lot of support to process your tragic loss.

Sadly premature babies are at greater risk of stopping breathing 😓 nothing you did or didn't do could change that.

I hope in time you will all be able to believe this.

Go gently and kindly with yourself. Honestly I really feel for you.

Enough4me · 27/03/2022 21:04

I'm so sorry this happened to you, we all have accidents and even in separate beds this may have happened. Your family need you and you deserve some peace and joy in your life Flowers

MistyFrequencies · 27/03/2022 21:08

Oh you poor poor thing. I'm so so sorry for your loss

MysteriousMonkey · 27/03/2022 21:12

So sorry for your loss but please don't blame yourself. I don't think this was your fault. Plenty of people (myself included) fell asleep with their babies, maybe it was sids and would have happened anyway. At least this way your baby went to sleep feeling warm, safe and loved.

DeadButDelicious · 27/03/2022 21:16

I very rarely talk about this because often it's just too hard but I wanted to share my story with you because I know how that guilt feels.

I lost my first daughter at 20 weeks pregnant, it was a huge shock as I didn't actually know I was having her. My life at the time was a whirlwind, the time I would have had morning sickness coincided with a brutal bout of Norovirus that took me a few weeks to shake off, I am overweight so there was no 'bump' to speak of and so so when I lost her it was a complete shock. I gave birth to her alone in our bathroom, sadly she had already passed. I was consumed by guilt. Guilt at not knowing, not noticing, not putting together all the clues, which with the benefit of hindsight were there, as far as I was concerned it was my fault, completely my fault and I spent a long time hating myself. I still do on my darkest days. The post mortem results revealed that she had a partial chromosome deletion and some development issues that meant even if I had known about her there was nothing to be done.

You did nothing wrong, I don't think there are many mothers who haven't fallen asleep whilst feeding, I know I did with my second. My heart goes out to you, I know how that guilt feels, it was literally only the thought of my dog being sad that meant I didn't try and do something after losing my first. I wanted to follow her so badly, to be where she was. Does your hospital have a bereavement midwife? Mine was an absolute angel and handled literally everything I couldn't. I do hope that you can access something like that. SANDS are a wonderful charity as well. Once again, I am so very, very sorry for your loss and I know I for one would be honoured to hear more about your precious baby if you choose to share it. All my love to you. Thanks

MuggleMadness · 27/03/2022 21:16

Oh sweetheart, that's so incredibly sad. Very traumatic for you too. My heart goes out to you. Premature babies have a much higher rate of SIDS, sadly it may have happened if he was in a Moses basket/cot. Unfortunately all you can do is wait for the PM. Hopefully that will, at least, relieve your guilty feelings. If only everyone's love could bring him back. (((Biggest hugs)))

Keep posting as much or as little as you want to xx

ScheisseMinelli · 27/03/2022 21:16

Not your fault. I am so, so sorry this has happened. Sending love x

NellWilsonsWhiteHair · 27/03/2022 21:18

Sending so much love. I'm so sorry for your loss. It really wasn't your fault - it could have been any one of us - you and your lovely baby were just heartbreakingly unlucky. xxx

LaundryandDirt · 27/03/2022 21:22

Sad It’s not your fault. RIP little one.