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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I lost my baby.

187 replies

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:16

I'm hurting and I don't know what to say. This is the first day since he passed that my family have left. My baby was just 3 weeks old, 8 weeks premature and died in my arms after I had fallen asleep with him. It was horrific to wake up to. I can't forgive myself and I don't think my husband can either. My heart aches. I feel physically sick...we can't confirm the date until we get him back from post mortem. I'm dying inside and would kill myself if I hadn't already got a toddler to look after. Is there anyone our there lost their baby this way? Where do I go from here?? I hate myself for what I've done.

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 27/03/2022 20:03

I am so sorry op.

Genegenieee · 27/03/2022 20:06

Oh I'm so sorry what a devastating loss, really so sorry. I fell asleep with both my babies feeding, you will have been exhausted. But you don't know if this was even a factor or not, given your baby was premature it could have been a number of reasons including perhaps that he should have been in NICU a bit longer.

An awful tragedy - is there a member if your family or a friend who you know will be the best person to see at this time. The person you'd want to run to in a time if need like this. Could they come to stay, to give you some solace?

Genegenieee · 27/03/2022 20:07

@LuluF91

Everyone is so kind. I wouldn't blame anyone if they wanted to berate me as everyone knows not to fall asleep with the baby :( it terrifies me even looking at my toddler sleeping now...he keeps me going but I'm so scared of making a stupid mistake with him too.

The funeral is a struggle. We are keeping it very small but I'm getting caught up in the details. His clothes etc...I want to keep what few things meant anything in his short little life. I thought I had an outfit picked out now I'm over thinking it. Its so hard but he deserves at least this to be done right for him.

Is there anything you have two of, so he can wear one and you can keep the other
RandomMess · 27/03/2022 20:08
Thanks
PurplePetalPip · 27/03/2022 20:12

I don't have any advice, but couldn't not say something. Like a previous poster said, I think countless mums have fallen asleep in the same way - you were just so unfortunate that this happened to you. I know when I was in those early days the exhaustion would just take over me and I fell asleep in dangerous positions sometimes. I would wake and panic but thankfully he was always ok. I'm so so sorry it wasn't the same for you. Please try and find a way to forgive yourself - your family need you. I hope in time you can find some peace x

Cecilia2016 · 27/03/2022 20:12

I’m so sorry OP x

theotherfossilsister · 27/03/2022 20:14

I'm sorry. This is awful but not your fault in anyway xx

BoodleBug51 · 27/03/2022 20:15

I'd keep the clothes you've got, and find an outfit that's really easy to dress him in. That way you can keep the ones he's worn.

I also kept a notebook of my feelings/what happened at the time. I barely look at it nowadays as it still breaks my heart years on, but I'm really glad that I did get it all down on paper as I think my mind blanked out a lot of it. They're very precious memories to keep hold of even if they're painful, if that makes sense.

DrEllie · 27/03/2022 20:17

💐 ❤

Its947 · 27/03/2022 20:17

Please, please, please this is not your fault.
I know nothing will make you believe that at this time. I can’t imagine what you are feeling. I am sending you so much love, my heart hurts for you so much. It’s not your fault, it’s not your fault.

SouperNoodle · 27/03/2022 20:19

This is not your fault OP. Those first couple of months are absolutely exhausting and I don't know a single breastfeeding mother that hasn't fallen asleep holding her baby, myself included.
I am so so sorry for your loss and you will be in my thoughts xx

Gompurtz · 27/03/2022 20:20

I'm so terribly sorry- please know that this isn't your fault.

use257 · 27/03/2022 20:20

This is not your fault, this is not your fault one tiny little bit.

DoobryWhatsit · 27/03/2022 20:22

This was absolutely not your fault. Most mums fall asleep holding their baby at some point, and no harm comes of it. The main danger comes from dropping the baby or rolling on top of them, neither of which happened here- you simply holding him was very unlikely to have been a factor. Babies can die from SIDS whilst lying in a flat, empty cot. Sending you so much love xxx

Perpop · 27/03/2022 20:23

I am so so sorry. This wasn’t your fault, I hope you can recover. Sending you love & light.

tothemoonandbackbuses · 27/03/2022 20:28

I’m really sorry,
It’s not your fault, you don’t know if it would have happened anyway.
I’ve fallen asleep feeding both of mine I think most mothers have at some point

Afterallsbeensaidanddone · 27/03/2022 20:31

That must have been horrific for you. I am so sorry for your loss. Not your fault at all.

ParkheadParadise · 27/03/2022 20:31

So sorry for your heartbreaking loss.
It definitely wasn't your fault.
Dealing with guilty feelings is so hard please talk to someone about how you feel.

Sweetmayday · 27/03/2022 20:31

I'm so very sorry xxx

Purpleavocado · 27/03/2022 20:31

So sorry, this is not your fault 😢 sending you best wishes x

MissMaple82 · 27/03/2022 20:32

This was a terrible terrible accident, it could literally happen to any one of us!!! You must not let the guilt consume you. I can distinctly remember my eyes dropping on many occasions whilst feeding my baby in my bed in them very early days. Your not the first mother this has happened to and sadly you probably won't be the last. Get all the help and support you can. Once the funeral is over with I think things will begin to, not necessarily get easier but the grieving process finally begins. Like you said, right now you're in that horrid limbo land... I'm sorry for your loss 🧸 💐

Mif4 · 27/03/2022 20:32

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

niki26 · 27/03/2022 20:34

I'm so sorry for your loss - this is absolutely heartbreaking. I absolutely cannot imagine what you are going through but I do know that it is not your fault and I'm so so sorry x

Nelliephant1 · 27/03/2022 20:36

You have done nothing wrong at all, I defy any mum to say that hand on heart, they haven't dozed with their baby. I definitely did on countless occasions.

It may be with your son being so early that whatever the cause, it couldn't have been detected. It won't take the grief away but maybe ease the guilt that yiu naturally feel but really and truly should not.

I hope that the results of the post mortem brings you peace. Do you know how long it will be before you get the results?

LifeIsHardAlways · 27/03/2022 20:37

So, so sorry, there just isn’t the words. Everyone has fallen asleep holding their baby, I know I did multiple times. Until they’ve done the PM, you don’t know the cause of death, it could be SIDS, in which case it would’ve happened even if he was in his cot.