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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I lost my baby.

187 replies

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:16

I'm hurting and I don't know what to say. This is the first day since he passed that my family have left. My baby was just 3 weeks old, 8 weeks premature and died in my arms after I had fallen asleep with him. It was horrific to wake up to. I can't forgive myself and I don't think my husband can either. My heart aches. I feel physically sick...we can't confirm the date until we get him back from post mortem. I'm dying inside and would kill myself if I hadn't already got a toddler to look after. Is there anyone our there lost their baby this way? Where do I go from here?? I hate myself for what I've done.

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 27/03/2022 22:08

This is a tragedy OP not your fault - I am so sorry, please be kind to yourself Flowers

Josette77 · 27/03/2022 22:11

This is not your fault.. I am so deeply sorry for your horrific loss. 💔

SpaceFarce · 27/03/2022 22:14

I have two babies and have fallen asleep with both of them on multiple occasions, sometimes waking in a panic and thankful that I got lucky. This is not your fault - it’s a horrific accident and I hope you can find a way to forgive yourself.

I’ve also had a stillborn baby boy and wanted to end my life if I couldn’t live with him. I kept going for our older child. Time doesn’t heal, it doesn’t get lighter… but you get stronger and better at carrying it. One day you will smile and laugh again, as unbelievable as it sounds right now. So much love Flowers

BurnDownTheDiscoHangTheDJ · 27/03/2022 22:15

I’m so sorry for your loss @LuluF91. As others have said, we’ve all done it and you got tragically unlucky. I’m so sorry.

Kohi36 · 27/03/2022 22:24

Heartbroken for you. My eldest was a 28 weeker. Would only sleep in close proximity to me for a very long time. I understand this exhaustion. You were doing your best to respond to his needs. His passing may completely unrelated to co sleeping. My son was in the nicu for ten weeks and in that time many babies were sent home too early and ended up back in nicu within days. Was your son been monitored by a doctor weekly on discharge? Any sickness since discharge? Please don't blame yourself. You did nothing wrong. I hope you find peace. Sending hugs.

findingsomeone · 27/03/2022 22:31

I'm so sorry to hear this news about your baby OP.

You haven't done anything wrong. As for 'everyone knows not to fall asleep with a baby' life isn't that simple! So many babies won't sleep if you put them down. So many mums and dads are so earth shatteringly tired they nod off despite desperately trying not to. I've been there. This is not your fault. It's a horrible situation, and I'm so sorry you're experiencing this xx

Makeitsoso · 27/03/2022 22:36

I’ve fallen asleep with all my babies at one point or another. Anyone I know well has admitted the same. Please don’t blame yourself. You have been tragically unlucky and deserve only love and empathy.
I’m so sorry for your loss.

HeArInGhandsgirl11 · 27/03/2022 22:39

Sending virtual love and hugs. This is so sad

AlsoNotAGirl · 27/03/2022 22:45

Oh you poor love, many of us here will have fallen asleep with our babies, we were lucky, you were desperately tragically unlucky

Rainbowsandstorms · 27/03/2022 22:48

Oh my goodness, I’m so sorry. This isn’t your fault, it was an accident. I’m so heartbroken for you. So many of us have been so exhausted and nodded off. This isn’t your fault, it’s clear to see how much you love your baby, sending you so much love.

ThreeLocusts · 27/03/2022 22:50

Please OP you've got to stop blaming yourself. Him dying while you were sleeping is not the same as him dying because you were sleeping.

You don't know yet what he died of and the tests may come back inconclusive. Please don't jump to the worst possible conclusion, you can't afford self-hatred with a toddler around.

Don't they say that newborns take cues from people nearby for their breathing? Your deep sleeping breathing might have helped him. I've shared the bed with all of my newborns to no ill effect.

It's bad luck that your husband said what he did just before you realised what had happened, but that doesn't mean it's correct.I hope you find healing.

Loginmystery · 27/03/2022 22:58

I’m so terribly sorry for your tragic loss. I always slept with my baby but I was lucky and no tragic event. I think most people sleep holding babies especially tired new mums.

I actually know two people who this happened to. Both fell asleep and the baby died. One is a good friend of mine and the other a more recent acquaintance. My friend was in a state of shock and walked around in a daze at first. She didn’t know what happened but woke up to find her baby in her arms had died. It seemed to be an unexplained cot death. She has had to carry on and has other children but I imagine it’s a shock you’d feel for a very long time. We actually don’t talk about it because I feel she doesn’t want to. It was over 15 years ago now. Outwardly she has managed to get through this and has a happy life but of course this is years down the line.

The other lady I met a couple of years ago. She is a very happy and kind person. I was in a training group with her and she very candidly told us the story of falling asleep and accidentally smothering her baby. She said she had come to terms with it being an accident and did not blame herself. She said she was understandably paranoid now about parents co sleeping but also understood that it’s very normal to sleep with your baby too. Her tragedy was many years ago. Possibly 20-30 years, so again, a lot of time passed to process the shock and grief and to speak about it fairly unemotionally.

Please don’t blame yourself. It’s absolutely not your fault. It’s a terrible tragic accident. You will be in shock, in grief. It’s a dark time but you will get through. Think of your little toddler and take a day at a time. I’m so incredibly sorry for you and your family. I hope you find some peace of mind very soon. I’ll say a prayer for you now.

Lillygolightly · 27/03/2022 22:59

I’m so so so sorry for your loss. I also lost a son but during pregnancy, so different circumstances but I have NEVER felt anything so crushing in all my life, the guilt was intense, the sadness and devastation just raw and like you if it weren’t for my older children I would have gone to be with my son.

I wholeheartedly recommend joining SANDS & Tommy’s both charities have support groups and were such a huge help to me and they still are.

You are not to blame (though I know you will blame yourself anyway but try not to) your son is so very loved and he knew and felt that and he was in his mummy’s arms a baby’s most favourite favourite place to be!

Sending you strength and love FlowersFlowersFlowers

Mama1980 · 27/03/2022 23:00

Oh op I'm so sorry for your loss. This is in no way your fault. Please please please don't blame yourself. I have two ex micro preemies I fell asleep with both in my arms numerous times, they just had to be held and I was exhausted. You did nothing that every mother hasn't done at one time or another.

grey12 · 27/03/2022 23:02

I could bet (and I never do!) that it's not your fault one bit!!!

But you need to remind yourself that your little angel was in the best place in the whole world for him!!! Your arms, listening to your heart, was his happiest, favourite spot!

Sending you prayers and hugs ThanksThanksThanks

Shelaydownunderthetable · 27/03/2022 23:03

I’m so sorry, OP. It’s not your fault. So sorry Flowers

navydear · 27/03/2022 23:08

Oh lulu, please please please be kinder to yourself, you don't deserve this and your don't deserve to feel guilty about anything.
You mothered and nurtured and loved your baby to the very end. You lovingly slept, whilst cuddling your sleeping newborn in a haze of new mother exhaustion and new mother love. You've done what all loving mothers have done, there is not one of us who can say we havnt fallen asleep with our babies in our arms or our beds.
You simply cannot prevent new mother exhaustion, it is not possible. What happened was completely out of your control. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you will get through this, you have to, your other baby needs you and you are not alone, unfortunately there are many mothers who lost their babies through many different circumstances but your circumstances were not caused by anything you did wrong, you just loved your baby xxxxx

GrandRapids · 27/03/2022 23:16

This is terrible I'm so sorry. I also co slept as I was so exhausted and there was just no other way. Please please try not to blame yourself

candlesandpitchforks · 27/03/2022 23:17

Op what's was his name ? Would you like to describe him to us ❤️❤️❤️ he sounds like he was very loved .

I lost my son too. It feels like yesterday but somehow the sands of time have past.
I have no advice or any good words for you only to take it very slowly and very gently. If I could take away a fraction of the pain I would.

This wasn't your fault, we have all done it (and just been so very lucky), try to move forward with the emotions grief will show you. I know part of you probably wants people to berate you but we all know nothing we could say would make you feel any worse than what you already do and we know that we all could have been in your shoes but it was just roll of the dice we weren't.

it's worth getting twin teddy bears, one for you and one for him so that you maintain the connect when it comes to say goodbye at the funeral.

Get some counselling. Don't plan to far ahead. One step at a time even if it's one minute at a time. ❤️❤️❤️

Redsquirrel5 · 27/03/2022 23:24

Please don’t blame yourself. Lots of mums co sleep with babies and it is so easy to drop off when feeding as you are tired.

My friend’s baby died.
She got up thinking her third child had overslept, but he had died.
She was a midwife.
My baby was born the day before. I always remember him.

Chilesstanton · 27/03/2022 23:30

I’m so sorry and this is so unfair what’s happened. MNers can be extremely unkind so I hope you take it at face value that every single person here has said it is not your fault!! Give yourself grace.

AgathaMystery · 27/03/2022 23:33

I’m so, so sorry. As so many other women have said, we have all fallen asleep with our babies. We will never know your pain but I’m so sorry Flowers

oakleaffy · 28/03/2022 00:02

@LuluF91
You have done Nothing wrong.

My lovely In ~Laws lost a baby shortly after her birth, due to a medical condition, and it wasn't their fault, nor is your Baby's dying your fault.

He could have had something wrong that no one knew about, he was premature, he would have possibly have passed away anyway, wether to not you were holding him.
It absolutely isn't your fault.
Mothers fall asleep holding their babies all the time.
They have them in their beds with them.

Please don't blame yourself.

So sorry for the loss of your baby .

NewtoHolland · 28/03/2022 00:10

Oh Lulu.
My heart breaks for you
I echo all of those who have said it could have been me..I have fallen asleep with all 3 of my babies at some point.
It is not your fault, this is a tragic set of circumstances that I expect could have occurred even if he was in a cot on his own. Instead he was where he felt most loved, in your arms.
It wasn't your fault.
Sending love and comfort

Ratatoo · 28/03/2022 08:23

I'm just echoing everyone else saying it's not your fault. Be kind to yourself, I'm so sorry Thanks