I lost my baby.

[LuluF91]

I'm hurting and I don't know what to say. This is the first day since he passed that my family have left. My baby was just 3 weeks old, 8 weeks premature and died in my arms after I had fallen asleep with him. It was horrific to wake up to. I can't forgive myself and I don't think my husband can either. My heart aches. I feel physically sick...we can't confirm the date until we get him back from post mortem. I'm dying inside and would kill myself if I hadn't already got a toddler to look after. Is there anyone our there lost their baby this way? Where do I go from here?? I hate myself for what I've done.

This wasn't your fault. I have fallen asleep with mine before, as has every parent out there. Please try to be kind to yourself, I can't imagine the hell you are going through. Thinking of you all.

I am another mother who fell asleep in bed with my DCs when babies. It happened because I was so exhausted and because when you have babies you become an overstretched machine, especially if you already have a toddler (as in your case).

What has happened to your family is an absolute tragedy and I'm so sorry you are going through this. But it is not your fault. Thus situation has been visited upon you and it's not fair.

As someone else posted, your baby died beside you but that does not mean he died because of you. Hopefully you will get more clarity on this. But whatever happened you are a loving, conscientious mother and I am so sorry this has happened to you. It is not your fault.

Sending lots and lots of love. Echoing all the other comments - I've accidentally fallen asleep with both of mine and it's only a matter of luck which meant they're both fine and your little boy wasn't. Please know that we would love to hear about him if you'd like to talk about him xx

I’m so sorry for what you are going through, unbelievable torment and heartbreak for you all. I have lost a baby, not in the same way, I was not holding him and he was older. I have been in contact with a woman whose baby died at a similar age and in this way on the lullaby trust support group, it is in Facebook. She is active on Facebook and I’m sure would be happy to chat if you feel up to joining the group at some point. Sending you strength and care to get through the next unbearable months.

I had premature twins and my husband and I both fell asleep with one on each of us. The tiredness is overwhelming . It's not your fault and was a tragic accident . So sorry for your loss

I'm sorry I haven't responded but I have read everyone's responses..and overwhelmed with kindness. It has eased the guilt somewhat that most parents have fallen asleep with their babies. I still blame myself but something in that helps.

My marriage is hanging on by a thread. I have a traumatised husband who is blaming me. He has said the most cruel and unkind words that I killed his son, I suffocated or choked him to death...I just don't know what to do at this point. This is not who my husband is and he has mentally cracked. I have emotionally shut down for the sake of our toddler and he is totally breaking down. I feel the weight of the world is crushing down on me. I'm terrified to leave my husband alone due to his mental health but my family aren't here to support me as they've had to go back to their lives a few hours away.

I am so sorry for your loss, please don’t blame yourself, sometimes things happen that our out of our control. Seek support to help you through

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to imagine how you feel. It's every parents worst nightmare. I wish I could help in any way but all I can do is say I really hope you and your husband get the help and support you need and keep going day by day as your other child needs you. X

I am so sorry Can you go to any family with your toddler for a few days, maybe together with your husband so you can all be looked after a bit? Have you got access to immediate counselling help? If not, then please call your local crisis team for help and tell them how you’re feeling. You both need professional support and shouldn’t be trying to cope on your own.

My heart goes out to you; I’m so sorry for you all having to undergo this terrible experience and this terrible tragedy. Sending you all the most of love, hope and good thoughts, OP

I'm so so sorry. You are not to blame. Please reach out to the Lullaby Trust, they have amazing people who can help you through this.

I’m so sorry OP and I’m so sorry your husband is lashing out- this is just tragic all round.

I think most of us have fallen asleep holding our babies . I very much hope and believe you find that there was nothing you could have done to prevent it ,and that he died peacefully in your arms rather than alone in his cot.

OP I’m so very sorry for your loss. You are absolutely not to blame for this. Your husband is understandably struggling in his own way. Give each other time. My heart goes out to you all.

I'm so sorry this is happening.

Can you persuade him to reach out for medical help here?

@ThreeLocusts

Please OP you've got to stop blaming yourself. Him dying while you were sleeping is not the same as him dying because you were sleeping.

You don't know yet what he died of and the tests may come back inconclusive. Please don't jump to the worst possible conclusion, you can't afford self-hatred with a toddler around.

Don't they say that newborns take cues from people nearby for their breathing? Your deep sleeping breathing might have helped him. I've shared the bed with all of my newborns to no ill effect.

It's bad luck that your husband said what he did just before you realised what had happened, but that doesn't mean it's correct.I hope you find healing.

Wholeheartedly agree. Don't blame yourself, the fact you fell asleep doesn't mean that is the cause at all. Sorry for your loss.

Bless your heart.

Have you got the post mortem results yet or do you know when you will? I'd hope that they will give the cause as SIDS or something related to your little ones prematurity to put to bed your guilt and the misdirected anger of your husband.

Please let us know 💐

Oh I am so sorry. My heart breaks for you. You and your husband must both be hurting so much. I'm one of the parents who has fallen asleep with a newborn- and my husband has as well. I imagine in your shoes we'd each blame the person who the baby was with - but so unfairly, as it could have been either of us or anyone. It is NOT your fault. Whatever the postmortem says, please do not blame yourself. It could have been any one of us. And your husband is lashing out but I'm sure he's struggling desperately too. Is your toddler in nursery? Can you put him in for extra days to give you and your husband some time? Definitely speak to lullaby trust. You should not be left to deal with this alone. I am so so sorry. Please keep posting on here if it is any help at all.

How are you coping op?

I'm so very sorry

This is the brutal reality of child loss, please don’t imagine it is something you have caused.

The pain is so intense and overwhelming that it literally drives parents crazy - and very often apart.

What you and your husband are experiencing is grief in its most elevated state.

Honestly, my heart breaks for you all, for you, your husband, your toddler and your precious baby.

You don’t have to bear this alone, there is support and it just may be the lifeline you need. X

Sending love and deepest sympathies , OP.

I think you need to get someone to come back to help you. Parent? Sibling? Best friend? If you were my friend/sister/daughter, told me even half of this context, and said that you needed someone to help with your toddler, or even just to sit with you or your husband, I would be there within minutes. I’ve dropped everything for my sister over much, much less, as have various people for me.

Humans weren’t designed to navigate trauma alone, and if you and your husband are currently at a place where you marriage is cracking (which is totally normal under the circumstances and doesn’t mean it’s permanent), then you need someone else to help both of you through this.

I’m truly sorry for your loss.

As everyone has said, this really isn’t your fault. I had prem twins and an 1& month old. I fell asleep more than once with one or the other in my arms. We all do it. For you this was a tragic accident. I’m so very sorry for your loss. 💐

I had it happen with all the "right things " I could think of, in a cot, everything.

I think there are two different pains, guilt, and losing your baby.

Once you've got the report, the guilt will gradually go, and maybe you can take some solace in the fact that he was with you, and that actually being in your arms was a blessing iyswim.

It will take a long time for you to come to terms with losing your child. Yes, having another older child is the only distraction sometimes, just take it one step at a time.

Feeling physically sick is a shock thing I think, and you need to keep eating very small snacks of nothing else. Even something like squash would be good.

You and your dh need someone to talk to, and quickly, because you need to make sure the blame thing is stopped right now.

Your not going to get through this as a couple unless you can support each other.

Btw, have you already been in touch with your GP? They may offer you a prescription if some sort, which would be sensible. If you feel at any point you are thinking of harming yourself, please PLEASE just get help.

3 days is still so recent.

I'm so sorry, it is the worst situation possible, and ultimately, the only thing that makes it bearable is time. Allow yourself to just float through the hours, days, weeks, and in tiny tiny stages, you will feel better able to cope.