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Bereavement

Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

I lost my baby.

187 replies

LuluF91 · 27/03/2022 19:16

I'm hurting and I don't know what to say. This is the first day since he passed that my family have left. My baby was just 3 weeks old, 8 weeks premature and died in my arms after I had fallen asleep with him. It was horrific to wake up to. I can't forgive myself and I don't think my husband can either. My heart aches. I feel physically sick...we can't confirm the date until we get him back from post mortem. I'm dying inside and would kill myself if I hadn't already got a toddler to look after. Is there anyone our there lost their baby this way? Where do I go from here?? I hate myself for what I've done.

OP posts:
kateandme · 25/04/2022 03:57

Op if u can.ask,beg a loved one to come and help.you all need some crisis care at this point.there lives can wait,mine would if a family member or friend needed me as you all do.or is there a local aid,charity,church,gp u can be honest with.someone needs to hold up your poor family right now before in all implode.

oatmilk4breakfast · 25/04/2022 06:08

I’m very sorry for your loss. You and your husband need help. Please reach out again to family or friends or the charities mentioned here. Samaritans will listen for however long.

Beautiful3 · 25/04/2022 06:52

At least your baby had that comfort of being cuddled by mum, before he passed on. You didn't do anything wrong, at all. You love your baby. We have all fallen asleep, holding the baby. Know that he is still here in spirit and is very happy.

Swayingpalmtrees · 25/04/2022 06:57

I have fallen asleep from sheer exhaustion with my baby more than once, so has my husband. There can't be many parents out there that hasn't op. I even fell asleep for a few seconds driving the car, it is not, and you must believe us, your fault.

You have done everything possible for your baby, and could not have love him anymore than you do. Please gather every ounce of support in real life that you can. I hope the bereavement counselling brings some comfort. Flowers

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 06:57

So sorry op

Swayingpalmtrees · 25/04/2022 07:02

Please can you just copy what you have written in your latest post, as it is now and send that to every family member and friend that you have. For the sake of your toddler, you really need urgent help and support, your dh especially.

Please call the GP as well, as he needs someone to intervene and perhaps prescribe some medication to get him through this, the GP will come out to you if you tell them the circumstances.

Please do those two things this morning if you do nothing else at all.
My heart goes out to you. We are all here op, we are holding your hand.

WilliowGreen · 25/04/2022 07:21

Oh sweetheart, this is not your fault. Flowers

SaintJavelin · 25/04/2022 07:58

Oh OP I am truly sorry for your loss.

Please, please ensure that you and your husband access counselling.

Koigarden · 25/04/2022 07:59

I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s not your fault. My babies have all slept with me and I’ve fallen asleep with them 100’s of times in my arms. Its impossible to. Say but don’t blame yourself x

Haveatakeaway · 25/04/2022 08:05

I'm so so sorry. Please believe that this is not your fault. Apologies if the funeral has already taken place, but at my sons funeral I bought two of the same sleepsuits, so he has one and I have one. The hospital also gave us a tiny beaded bracelet for him to wear, and Dh and I have the same.
my heart is breaking for you and your family, I know getting help is so much easier said than done, but please reach out to anyone Flowers

autumncrisp · 25/04/2022 08:22

I'm so sorry for your unimaginable loss. 😔

Riverlee · 25/04/2022 08:25

Sending hugs. Hope you’re getting the support you need.

apricotlane · 25/04/2022 08:35

I am very surprised to hear he was at home after 3 weeks despite being 8 weeks premature. I can only think this would have added dramatically to the risk. I'm not sure the hospital isn't partly responsible her for letting him go home so early.

I'm so sorry that you've had to have that happen. He was obviously so so vulnerable, it can't have been your fault in that way.

Yellownightmare · 25/04/2022 08:43

I'm so very sorry for your loss OP. What a tragedy. I'm sure premature babies' little systems are more fragile and sometimes they are more likely to die from natural causes than other babies. It's not necessarily anything you did wrong. And in any case many of us have fallen asleep with the exhaustion of newborns.

Please try and get your husband to have some counselling. Blaming you is not going to help either of you, and certainly not your toddler who needs both of you. Flowers

Smellyoldowls22 · 25/04/2022 08:49

All your baby knew was love and comfort.
Wishing you so much strength and love, OP.

Comfortablynumbertwo · 25/04/2022 08:51

No words will bring comfort now but in time I hope you come back to this thread and re-read the comments. This could have happened to me. I’d be surprised if any mum could say it hadn’t happened to them too.I know I fell asleep feeding. You are not to blame, please try to be gentle to yourself.

Rrrunrunrunrunrun · 25/04/2022 08:56

We have all (or most of us) fallen asleep holding a baby, but have been fortunate not to have had the same outcome.

Your husband is lashing out because he is grieving. When my baby died I blamed DH. He was with her in hospital and didn’t notice some things that if seen sooner, could have meant earlier intervention. As soon as I arrived I was screaming for help but it was too late. I will always wonder what if, but also know the outcome would likely have been the same.

Our marriage survived but only when survived because I stopped blaming him and it’s been over three years for us now. Please reach out to family or friends. Not only are you grieving the sudden loss of your baby, you are also suffering with the extreme guilt.

If you ever want to chat please PM me. I thought I would never see the light again, but it’s there I promise.

SexyPortugese · 25/04/2022 08:58

I'm so sorry for your loss OP. I thankfully never fell asleep holding my baby but I so easily could have done, I know so many people who have, it's a toxic mix of exhaustion and having to be still in a comfy place when you're feeding them endlessly, especially when you're trying to breastfeed and can't get much rest or share feeds. It's awful and you're not alone and not the first person to go through this.

This was a horrible accident, it wasn't intentional, you were trying to do the best thing for your baby by tending to their needs holding and feeding them, and your body simply was too tired to stay awake, that isn't your fault.

Perhaps you could reach out to the Lullaby Trust for support? They do a lot of work to raise awareness of the risks of bedsharing/falling asleep with baby/how to practice safe sleep, but they also support parents who have gone through loss as a result of unsafe sleep. In time I hope you can start to try and forgive yourself. You didn't do it deliberately. I'm so sorry.

October2020 · 25/04/2022 08:58

My baby was born at 32+0 and came home 5 weeks later. I knew all the guidance on safe sleeping for prem babies (as in, don't do it), and I had awful ptsd so I was manically anxious about it... and both my husband and I fell asleep holding her, a LOT. That early tiredness is brutal. It won't help your grief in the immediate at all, but I hope you eventually find some peace that this was a terrible accident and you are not alone in sleeping with your baby.

In a practical sense, I would beg anyone you can to come and stay with you to support you and your husband, and definitely seek counselling support from the organisations people have already suggested.

pbdr · 25/04/2022 09:16

I'm a GP and mum to a 6 month old girl. I have been absolutely obsessive about safe sleep/SIDS risk reduction from the beginning... yet I remember well waking up in a panic on the sofa to find my baby asleep in my arms. She was fine, I got lucky, but the sleep deprivation with a newborn is so extreme that no amount of caution can guarantee you won't unwittingly fall asleep. Almost all parents do at some point.
The only difference between you and I is that I got lucky and you were dreadfully unlucky. You are a good mum, both to your toddler and your baby. This is something that happened to you, not something that you did. You are blameless.
I'm sorry your husband's grief is being directed towards blaming you, I hope when the rawness of the situation has passed that he is able to think more clearly.

Fruby · 25/04/2022 09:18

Do not blame yourself. You cannot help falling asleep with your baby. You have done nothing wrong.

I am so sorry for your loss. You will grieve your baby forever but always remember there will be light and happiness to life aswell.

apricotlane · 25/04/2022 09:24

Why was he sent home so early - what age would this have made him? 32 weeks? Is that normal? Surely there's something to be said about their decision...

catsoop · 25/04/2022 09:51

apricotlane · 25/04/2022 09:24

Why was he sent home so early - what age would this have made him? 32 weeks? Is that normal? Surely there's something to be said about their decision...

Do you really think this is helpful???

Jesus Christ!!

EveryFlightBeginsWithAFall · 25/04/2022 09:57

My 8 week prem baby came home after 10 days, perfectly normal for the majority of them from what I saw

apricotlane · 25/04/2022 10:00

It's a question. Calm down. The OP said it was said to her that they never come home as early as he was sent home. If there's been any issue surely that's worth querying. We've all said how very sorry we are!