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Bereavement

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For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

996 replies

Crunchymum · 18/09/2021 08:45

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

OP posts:
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Testarossa44 · 11/10/2021 11:12

Well my sister called the gp surgery, the receptionist wasn't very helpful, said we shouldn't be ringing on her behalf without her permission, but she would pass the message on to her doctor anyway, and she might call. I cried on the phone when she told me, we just don't know what to do, where to to turn to for help, we've never had to deal with this before, mum being so stubborn isn't helping. We need help and nobody seems to want to offer us any guidance or support at all.

Brillig · 11/10/2021 14:07

@Testarossa44 I’m so sorry you have this double burden to carry, it’s so hard for you on top of grieving for your dad.

Could you make an appointment to see the GP for yourself, and talk this through with them? It’s affecting you directly and as people often say, you need to help yourself before you can help others.

It could also be well worth trying to discuss it all with a bereavement helpline such as Cruse - have you tried that, or considered it? Often it can be a bit of help just to talk to other people about things.

I’m truly sorry you’re having to go through this Flowers

mrssunshinexxx · 11/10/2021 17:10

So sorry @Ttc42nearly43 life can be cruel in many ways fertility issues can be massive I have been lucky so far but who knows what the future holds

Testarossa44 · 11/10/2021 17:29

The dr called and is putting in a referral for the outreach nurse to call and see mum and do an assessment, she isn't happy about it though. To add to our awful awful situation, my brother in law collapsed when he was out walking the dogs and had a seizure which caused him to stop breathing briefly. He's in hospital at the moment. Life us being so bloody cruel to us right now.

mrssunshinexxx · 11/10/2021 18:19

How stressful and worrying! @Testarossa44 hang in there you are doing amazingly x

Brillig · 11/10/2021 18:46

Oh gosh @Testarossa44, you’re really going through it - big hugs Flowers

Crunchymum · 12/10/2021 11:41

Sending you lots of strength @Testarossa44

I know it's so clichéd to say but this will pass. In the meantime allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

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Crunchymum · 12/10/2021 11:47

I just wanted to pop in and say it was dad's birthday yesterday. Last year we were just a few weeks after losing mum / planning her funeral. We even wrapped up the gifts she had bought him Sad

This year we kept it low key but my youngest brother managed to organise us all to come round for a surprise cake. It worked really well and was the first time all the grandkids (13 of them!! The youngest is just a few months old) were all together.

Things like this are so bloody bittersweet though. Because mum wasn't there. And she'll never be there again.

It was the first time I'd been to the house since Christmas actually. I find it so hard to be in the house that oozes my mum. Yesterday wasn't too bad.... no tears (they have been today) and it was lovely to all be together. But it's my mum's house, it has her everywhere.

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Spiritwriter · 12/10/2021 14:21

hi, i did answer you @kittlesticks but then saw a new thread. I've been awol a while so missed the new thread.
Hugs to all struggling.

Ttc42nearly43 · 13/10/2021 07:37

Oh my goodness Facebook photo reminder from 6 years ago with mum holding my son as a baby with a huge smile on her face crushing to look at 😭

Crunchymum · 13/10/2021 13:30

Oh gosh @Ttc42nearly43

It just blindsides you sometimes Sad

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Spiritwriter · 13/10/2021 13:45

Those FB reminders are bittersweet. Can be crushing. My dad kept getting Google photo memories. He had to switch them off. I think it's best we choose our own time for this sort of reflection.
Hugs to you.

Testarossa44 · 13/10/2021 17:51

I've had some memories come up and its soul destroying. I've been struggling today. We went and paid for the memorial garden this morning, and then we got a email of the eulogy to check, it tore me to shreds reading it. I went out to the shed for something and I just broke surrounded by all his stuff, I sat on the floor and sobbed into his golf bag. He loved his golf, so hard knowing he'll never play again.
We got mum a lifeline alarm put in today, one of those with a pendant button, so at least we know she can get help.

Ttc42nearly43 · 13/10/2021 19:08

I know it's just awful I had a good cry walking the dog this morning am probably well know in the area for walking around with tears streaming out of my eyes. Mum's headstone went up today am anxious to see it will drive up to the cemetery tomorrow I have some beautiful flowers for her. Gosh I should have bought her flowers more often when she was alive how I would have done so many things differently had mum got out of hospital she would have had flowers every week from me and so many hugs and kisses. I find myself searching for someone in my life like a mum figure I feel like I need a mum my mum of course no one can replace her not in million years. Am probably seeking her my own mum but as she is no longer here am looking around to see if there is anyone else that I can turn too. There isn't tho and I know that sounds crazy but there's this huge gap and I have no one to fill this gap. Does that make sense to anyone?

mrssunshinexxx · 13/10/2021 20:05

Yes makes total sense to me @Ttc42nearly43 no one will ever replace them ever but I wish someone would take me under their wing type thing? Also wander around with the pram crying a lot, you aren't alone x

Ttc42nearly43 · 13/10/2021 20:28

@mrssunshinexxx

Yes that's exactly what it feels like searching for some to take you under their wing someone who can help ease the pain if only there were that someone for both of us ♥️

mrssunshinexxx · 13/10/2021 23:20

Think we are searching for something impossible though and that's the issue sadly @Ttc42nearly43

Testarossa44 · 14/10/2021 12:47

The death certificate finally arrived today, made it seem so much more real. At least we can get on with something practical, so much paperwork though. Enclosed was the tell us once service, for cancelling passports, dvla etc. While it’s a good service, it does make me feel like we’re slowly wiping any records of him ever being here out. It feels like he’s being wiped off the face of planet. It’s horrible.

MintyCedric · 15/10/2021 00:58

Horrible day here.

Decided to clear out my baking cupboard and found half a packet of Butterscotch Angel Delight.

Dad, who had never had a sweet tooth, absolutely loved it when I made some for him a couple of months before he died. He also loved my homemade macarons so I made him Butterscotch ones for his birthday, hence the half empty packet.

Felt really teary but cracked on...then had one of those 'everything that can go wrong will go wrong afternoons' and completely lost it. Ended up sitting in my car ugly crying and howling down the phone to a friend.

LightandAiry · 15/10/2021 11:57

Hi Minty I feel for you. Reminders just come up all the time. I lost my Dad 3 months ago....had a stressful time at work yesterday, then went to my Mum's to get the family home where I grew up photographed to go on the market. Just waves of sadness coming over me and I had to come home. Feel very sad and jyst crying. My Dad was poorly for a long time and I have been coping relatively well until now.

MintyCedric · 15/10/2021 13:49

Thanks @Lightandairy...that must've been really tough. Mum is still in our family home...she is constantly talking about whether or not to move but she's been doing that for 20 years and never managed to make decision so I don't see it happening now. I have mixed feelings about the place these days as it has so many stressful times and bad memories associated with it.

My dad was unwell for a long time too and dies at the end of May...it's very strange to think of the world revolving without him in it. He was such a lovely man and deserved so much better than the end he actually got.

When I see old men pottering about their business I get quite irrationally angry that he isn't one of them.

LightandAiry · 15/10/2021 16:09

@MintyCedric I know what you mean.

Weirdly it has hit me that I will never see him again. I just feel overwhlemingly sad and so embarrassed at not being able to cope at work. It just spilled over.

Really sad seeing them ill for so long. It's a tricky one whether to leave the family home or not. Is it too big for your Mum on her own?

Ttc42nearly43 · 15/10/2021 18:52

@Testarossa44

I remember receiving my mum's death certificate I haven't looked at it since I had to take it to the bank to close her bank account. There are many things just lying un dealt with. Mum's hospital bag with her toiletries still inside is in my cupboard in my bedroom. Mum's wheelchairs are at my dad's and all of her belongings in boxes and suitcases. I think that probably they will remain like that for years. I don't want to put anything out so these personal possessions of mum's just lie there untouched.

I was thinking last night that it's been just over 7 months since I seen my mum alive. In my whole life the longest time I have gone without seeing my mum is 4 months when I was in my 20's and worked abroad but we spoke often and wrote to each other. I think about getting older and in 10 years time it will be over 10 years since I seen my mum alive it seems impossible to imagine going through life that long without seeing her.

We are in Dubai we arrived yesterday we are staying with friends. I did no planning for the holiday arranged absolutely nothing and had no excitement about the impending trip. It's horrible how grief can strip you off emotions.

I had a really difficult couple of days before we flew out a mixture of guilt for going away and needing to talk to my mum about the holiday she was always interested in everything me and the kids did.

Sometimes I find myself blankly staring just feeling this overwhelming sadness sitting on my shoulders all of the time making it impossible to feel any happiness.

My friend have an itinerary of excited thing to do while we are here but I just feel flat like a deflated balloon. Am either over emotional and upset or totally numb like a robot.

MintyCedric · 15/10/2021 20:27

@LightandAiry it's a decent size 3 bed semi, but open plan, no downstairs loo and front and back gardens so a bit challenging to keep on top of.

She often asks if I will move in there when she 'goes' and I'm really not sure. It's in a better position and worth more than my little house but I need to spend £5-10k to make it liveable for me and about £50-60k to get it how I'd like it and I'm not sure whether it's worth it.

Testarossa44 · 15/10/2021 21:23

@Ttc42nearly43 Its the personal possessions I'm struggling with too, I feel just awful and so sad moving things from where dad left them. Mum wants all his things keeping, I don't know if she'll ever want to sort through them to be honest, but I'm fine leaving them as is too. I've had to sort out selling dad's car today, that's been tough, but mum doesn't drive, so it's no good to her just left sat in their parking space, dad specified it was to be sold if he went first, so I know it's what he wanted, but still bloody hard to deal with.