For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

I don't know how I'll get through anniversaries, christmas this year with out dad and then his birthday in January. I had a massively vivid dream about my dad last night, it was a nice dream, he came into my room, we chatted and hugged, and he said it was just his time, one more hug and then he was gone. This was preceeded by another vivid dream about our family dog visiting in a similar way, we lost him in June. When I woke up I just lay there crying, knowing dad and Mack have both gone. It's just horrible that realisation every morning, that its another day without them, another day taking me further away from when I last saw them.

@Brillig I was an absolute mess leading up to the anniversary. I felt it building for about a month to be honest. And yes the day was as utterly shit as I expected it to be (I worked, didn't even do the school run so saw nobody.... we had already decided as a family we were not going to mark the day, inline with my mum's wishes)

The good news is I've felt much better since. I think that is how it will fall for me now? Sad times and better times. Its still hard and when my mind wanders I can feel that incredible pain and loss of the early days but I do also feel a bit better now I've done the whole year? All those awful "firsts" have been done.

I felt a huge pang last week as my oldest is going on a residential this school year and I remembered my mum making sure she posted a letter to get to me every single day whilst I was away on my residential over 30 years ago. This was in the late 80's and she had a newborn, toddler and older child but she wrote the most funny, sweet and heartfelt letters and got to the post box everyday to make sure I got her beautiful letters every day of the week I was away. This is who my mum was!!!

And shit now I'm crying again - but only because I was lucky she was so awesome.

(And the letters are still at my family home when one day I feel strong enough to read them again)

That strikes such a chord with me, @Crunchymum. My mum had to Into hospital a couple of times when we were kids (planned surgery, nothing life-threatening), and one time she worked it so that DSis and I had a tiny little gift to open each day she was away. Just really insignificant things, stocking-filler type presents, but it meant we had something from her every day.

The second time, she bought each of us a scrapbook, a huge load of pre-printed scraps - like Victorian cut-outs - and a big pot of glue with a brush. So that also kept us busy and happy with a 'project' to do. This was long before mobile phones and we didn't have a car so we couldn't have visited her; she'd have known we'd be separated for a week or 10 days.

She was that sort of mum, really engaged and thoughtful. Your mum sounds just the same.

That has brought a tear to my eye too.

Massive hugs @Brillig

How lucky we are to have had such love, thoughtfulness and tenderness in our lives.

I'm already planning the silly things I'll write to my DC1.

It's so great that you still have those letters for when you feel ready to read them, @Crunchymum. I'm sure you're a fantastic mum to your little ones in your turn.

Hugs back to you ❤️

@Crunchymum this is one not sure if positive is the right word but from losing but all the things I want to do for my children through their life and for them to have after I'm gone. My LO is only 15 months but every month for her first year I wrote her a letter and put in her memory box and I've just written her another one with all my feelings 4 weeks before her sister is due I will do the same for all my babies I also print out 'proper' pictures every 8 weeks I love looking at my childhood pics just wish ky mum was in more of them rather than behind the camera x

@Brillig @Crunchymum your mums sounds totally awesome and so loving what wonderful memories and women x

Some lovely memories here. Thanks for sharing those.

I haven't dreamt of my mum, but my husband's mum died about 15 years ago and he dreams of her sometimes. Usually they have a conversation and then he says to her oh no, this is a dream, you're dead aren't you. And she replies yes, sorry, I am dead. How sad !

I'm back home now for a couple of days, worried sick about leaving mum alone though. I spoke to my dp about what he said on the phone, and how it made me feel, he did apologise and said he'd never meant to make me feel like that, he'd meant it in a funny way to try and make me laugh, but he'd obviously been off the mark, clumsy effort bless him. Think he's just struggling to know what to do/say etc. He suggested going out for a couple of hours, wasn't keen, but think it did me good, we had tea out too. I felt guilty for doing something normal, thought I should be home grieving, but then kept thinking dad wouldn't want me curled up crying on the sofa. Its weird as I can contain the emotions for a little bit, but then break down and end up sobbing. When it hits, it's so so painful.

Sometimes you need a distraction.

I'm friends with a chap online based on our love of crime fiction. When I messaged him to tell him my dad had passed away his response was 'Do you want to tell me about it or talk about drugs and crime fighters?'

In abstract it's a bonkers reply but it was just what I needed (the drugs is a reference to the novel.im writing btw)!

Today was rough...I forced myself to go to the supermarket and everything I saw reminded me of dad. I picked up some posh ginger beer and realised the last time I bought it was for dad's birthday a few weeks before he died.

Been feeling horrendously anxious all day and mum has called in tears. She lived with her mum until after she and Dad married and had me, so she's never lived on her own and can't bear it.

Had the most awful day, I came home yesterday, leaving mum alone, and she fell out of bed last night, bashing her face on the bedside table. She managed to call my sister (who is local) she went down to sort her out. She refused to go to the hospital, despite my sister trying to persuade her. We are so worried about her. She wouldn’t cook last night as she said she couldn’t be bothered, she had cheese on toast instead. She’s diabetic and very unsteady on her feet as well. My dad did literally everything, cook, clean, shop, laundry, he really was amazingly capable, but it’s left us with a mum who doesn’t want to do anything, or can’t. I did shout at dad earlier for leaving us with this mess. We are pleading with her to let us get her some help as me and my sister are on our knees trying to cope with her, but she’s really resistant. My sister is phoning the doctor tomorrow for help/advice with the situation. I’m feeling I can’t grieve properly for dad through worrying about mum. Though I did have a good cry in bed this morning. It’s all a bit shit really.

@Testarossa44 I've been in exactly the same position which is what caused my 'crash and burn' a couple of weeks ago.

Mum was in a horrendous state when I visited her today...she just spends so much of her time on Facebook reading depressing memes and quotes and crying and just won't accept any suggestions of things that might help her.

Admittedly she's 82 but practically she's still quite capable, although like your mum she's also diabetic and can't/won't eat or drink properly.

A few weeks ago I was on the phone to her when she passed out. I shot round, called 111 who sent paramedics. Like you I was on my knees and they insisted on taking us in, talking about how we were struggling and trying to get us more support.

Absolutely nothing has come of it and if it did I'm not convinced she'd engage.

That's my fear, she won't engage with it, I know we can't force her to do anything. I feel like I've shut my grief away in a box to deal with later. Just want to rewind the last few weeks to when everything was fine.

@Testarossa44 my dad did this to me put on me so much when I was so so vulnerable myself weeks off having my first child when I lost my mum I won't ever forgive him for it. Sorry I know that doesn't really help you but when someone doesn't want to help themselves and not even for their children there is nothing you can do to make them. Please try to look after yourself too x

@Testarossa44

I would be speaking with your mum's GP and also call your local authority social work department just explain the situation and as for advice they will likely send through a notification to your local office. Am not sure where you are in the UK am in Scotland so I know how the system works here but I imagine that most local authorities are similar. You can ask them for advice and what supports can be offered. Main factors to consider is trying to minimise risk for your mum. Does your local council have a community alarm service they could install a falls detector, also would your mum consider a care at home assessment for support at home, is there power of attorney in place if so this is helpful but would only be activated if your mum is deemed as not having capacity to make her own decisions by a medical professional. Your GP can help with medical care for your mum but social care needs to come from the local authority social work service. They can also put you in touch with support services for yourself and your sister. I do hope that both your mum, to you and your sister get the help that you all clearly need but the GP is always good starting point to sign post you to other professionals you can also ask the GP to contact social work with your concerns.

Does anyone else worry about future losses? I think about who I have lost that I love so very much. My mum in March this year, my dog 3 years ago to heart failure he was my boy, miscarriage's 4 in total 1 just last year and now I think about who am going to loose next. I worry about my dad who has his finger on the self distruct button and has been drinking heavily lately. I think how will I cope when my dad goes how will any of us cope. This will break me am sure of it my mum's death broken me am slowly trying to claw my life back when it was shattered into peices with her sudden death.

How do you manage your life without your parents? Am a grown up I know that with a career and 2 children but I still need my parents. Then I look at my other dog nearly 13 and think that one day she will be gone too. It so scary to think about the future and what lies ahead.

I went for my weekly visit to mum at the cemetery today to replenish her flowers and came away most upset because mum is now there and she is alone in the plot but someday she won't be alone and that scares the crap out of me.

@Ttc42nearly43 I worry about me or dh dying young and leaving out children I worry about dying in labour I'm due in 3 weeks it's all linked to the loss of my mum I never worried about this type of thing before

@Ttc42nearly43 I think that's completely understandable.

My greatest fear is not so much so much losing mum, but how it will happen.

My dad had a fall and broke his back in Jauary 2019 and although he recovered inasmuch as he was able to potter about at home, he was never the same again and after his younger brother died last February he basically gave up. He wasn't well for nearly 2.5 years and I lost him slowly over 15 months.

I just cannot imagine being able to go through that again emotionally or practically. I managed to do all sorts of personal care for Dad, as well as sitting with him, finding stuff to watch, reading to him etc.

I could deal with the hard stuff because we're so similar and he was a very easy patient and even then at the halfway point I was referred to the community mental health team for suicidal ideation and self harming.

My mum can be incredibly hard work and wouldn't cope mentally with being bed-ridden at all. The thought of it is utterly terrifying.

@mrssunshinexxx

I think that when you loose someone you love so very dearly it does indeed make you question your own mortality and the others around you. It's horrible isn't it, for your situation, you need to keep your stress levels to a minimum. Impossible I know right now but try if you can to look at only the positives in regards to the birth you will be bringing another one of your babies into the world. Another part of you and indeed another part of your mum too. With new life brings hope. This is good and you will do great keep telling yourself that you will be ok you are stong you are your mother's daughter and you will bring her grandchild into this world without anything bad happening like she did with you and you will make her proud.

Will you let us all know how you get on.

Thanks @Ttc42nearly43 your message made me cry. I hope I can do it and it be smooth and I just want to get back to my other little one ASAP I have serious anxiety it's the first time we have left her for more than an hour x

@mrssunshinexxx

You will be fine try to enjoy what is coming I know it seems impossible to see through the haze of all of the sadness but there are good things coming for you and your family a new life this is amazing and you are very fortunate in this respect. I have given up on being a mum again am too old now nearly 44 am grieving this along with grieving my mum too. Hold your head up high and tell yourself "I can do it" and you will.

Will look forward to hearing how your birth went x

Really sorry to hear that it must be very difficult to accept @Ttc42nearly43 I will definitely update got 3 weeks or so to go but I really hope she comes sooner. X

@mrssunshinexxx

I know every month it's a disappointment am nearly at the end of my last packet of preconceive vitamins am not buying any more have been trying since an early miscarriage in March last year. I never told mum I didnt want her to be upset she knew I was wanting another baby and she had an inkling that something had happened as she was questioning me about it. I would have told her by now am sure of it but she's gone now. It is maybe time to stop all the ovulation trackers and vitamins it's not use when my age is against me. The biological clock ticking is very real.

@Ttc42nearly43 my sister is calling mums gp this morning. The issue we have is if mum isn't willing to accept help we can't make her, and right now she is being stubborn about it, though she has agreed to a lifeline alert system for if she needs help. It's still over a week till the funeral. I am dreading that day, it's so final and I don't want my dad to be gone. I'm scared for the future.