For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

We had a day out today. Went to the coast, it was lovely. I just have this awful awful guilt whenever I do anything remotely enjoyable, like I'm betraying my dad by not being sad about him leaving us. Anyone else feel like that?

*sad all the time

Would your dad want you to be sad @Testarossa44?

Would he want you to put your life on hold and never have any moments of happiness or joy?

Guilt is so wrapped up with grief and I remember it well. The sheer horror that I'd found something funny or enjoyed something after losing mum. It does wane with time and now when something positive or joyful happens, I think "mum would have loved that" (which is a different sort of sadness)

Don't feel guilty for taking any respite you can get from your grief x

It's my youngest DC birthday today and I'm feeling pretty sad. For many reasons but mum had now not seen half of her birthdays and that feels like a horrible 'landmark' to pass.

I guess I've just gone down the route of thinking about how my kids will never really remember my mum and another Birthday is just a stark reminder of how time passes and takes me further away from her being alive.

I'll perk up once the kids get home but yeah today is a bit shit.

I know my dad wouldn't want me to feel sad, or put my life on hold. I just feel guilty that I'm moving forward without him, that he's getting left behind, that I can't share with him what I'm doing. It's what I'm finding the hardest part. Especially as it Would have been his birthday tomorrow.

Birthdays are hard, especially the first one. I hope it goes as well as it can

@Testarossa44 - I will be thinking of you tomorrow. It’s also my Dad’s bday coming up early Feb, I’m not looking forward to that. I spotted the big Roses Easter egg today in Tesco’s that I bought my Dad last year. All so painful.
What will you do tomorrow?
I don’t find enjoyment from much these days, but I do know what you mean when you say you feel guilt if you find any enjoyment in anything you do. I completely understand that and can relate to that. Your Dad would have wanted you to enjoy the coast, he will have been with you the whole time and maybe it was that which enabled you to enjoy it. I know we can’t see or hear them but I do believe they are with us, they can see and hear us. I believe my dad was with us all of Xmas day and that that’s how we got through it xx

I've got to work tomorrow, but I'm going to mum's at the weekend, my sister has taken tomorrow off to spend the day with mum, so she won't be alone.

@Testarossa44 - I hope you manage to get through the day tomorrow, I know how hard it will be. And I see the same as you do, it’s the hardest thing knowing he won’t be there for things you do and day’s out etc. my youngest DS has his bday in June and we always have a small ish family bbq party for him which my dad loves. I won’t be able to do that this year. So many things. Sending you a hand hold for tomorrow xx

Hi everyone,

Sorry I've been absent for a while. Just been plodding on through Christmas/New year etc as I'm sure you all have too.

New year was strangely harder than christmas, which took me a bit by surprise.

Anyway, just wanted to say I've been thinking of you hope you're all doing OK. (Or managing as best you can.)

It's strange to think that mum will have been gone for 6 months in a weeks time. Half a year. No idea how that has happened...

Hi @Saz345 - don’t be sorry, I was off for a while as well during xmas and new year. How are you holding up? It’s strange how many people on here have said that same thing about new year being harder than xmas. I certainly felt that. I was drafting xmas and it was incredibly hard without Dad, but I felt desperately low on New Year’s Eve and even more actually on New Year’s Day when you think it’s the start of a whole new year and Dad won’t be part of that. I still just can’t believe it. Six months is very early days and I know exactly what you mean, you can’t help but wonder where those six months have gone. It will be 4 months since Dad for me on the 24th Jan so just a few more days and I ask myself all the time how have we got from end of September to nearly end of January. I don’t know how.
Can I ask how you’re coping? You’re not much further on than me time wise. I have better days and worse days but the better days are the ones where I try not to think too much about it but today I’ve felt lost and so desperately sad. I miss my Dad so much xx

@LucyintheSky21I'm doing ok thank you. I think the thing with new year was that I felt like I was leaving her behind. Which is weird because technically she has been 'left behind' since she died but I've never really thought of it that way.

I have good days and some not so good, and I do enjoy doing things now. I feel like I still need to deal with what actually happened, but that's a separate issue. I'm due to start counselling in the next few weeks, so hopefully that will help.

I'm in a weird place where I feel OK generally, but thinking about the fact she really is dead is hard. Its so final. I have a lot of doubt/regrets. I've also found out a lot about her life that I didn't know since she passed, and she's been through so much shit - yet was still my kind lovely mum. Right to the end, even though she was confused and scared. It's not fair.

I guess I keep going because, to put it bluntly, what's the alternative?

I'm still keeping myself busy to avoid over thinking, making sure I get out each day and make plans etc. Finally doing some of that self care stuff my HV/gp told me to do ages ago. It wasn't viable then but i think it is helping now.

I'm sorry you've had a bad day today. I hope tomorrow is better for you. I know it can be so consuming when it hits.

Big hugs

@Saz345 - Thank you, every day is different. Like you, I have days that are better than other days. You sound like you’re coping as well as can be expected. I’d say that I am coping, what you said was very bang on and fitting really. You said about keeping going because of no alternative, and there is no alternative to coping and getting through each day the best that you can. You just have to keep going whether you feel happy inside or not.
My poor mum is having to go through probate as my mum and dad never did a will so that’s unfortunately something my poor mum is having to deal with at the moment and I’m helping her as best I can.
I wouldn’t say I’m at the stage of enjoying much though yet. The last time we went out for a meal for example was the night of my birthday, and Dad was rushed into hospital the next night. So I haven’t felt like doing anything like that. We did take the kids to the cinema in November before xmas but I ended up crying at the end of the film as someone died (it was ghostbusters) and it really upset me. I don’t feel up to doing things like meals out. During the week it’s school stuff and shopping and house work for me and I’ve been getting out for walks when I can and on a weekend we get my mum out with us for a walk. These are walls we usually did with Dad. I just think it’s better to get out than stay in too much as you tend they too dwell more on things. In my head I still can’t believe he’s really gone and that’s the bit I’m struggling with. It just feels so final and I can’t stop and think too much about that. I have to believe I will see him and be with my Dad again eventually. I hope the counselling helps. Let us know how you get on with that. I’m still avoiding that for the moment.
What did upset me today was hearing the sad news about Meatloaf. He was 74, exact same age as my Dad and it said he passed with his wife and two daughters round him which was just like our story and that brought a tear to my eye this morning.
Sending hugs to you as well xx

How is everyone else doing?

Hi, not read the full thread yet but condolences to all 💐

I lost my dad on June 10th last year. Also happens to be my birthday.
He was 74 and had the odd medical issue but nothing serious. He'd felt off on the day he died and had an episode of shaking which he did sometimes have, but I'd spoken to him twice in FaceTime and he seemed ok.
Later on the evening my brother called to say that my dad had asked him to call an ambulance as he had chest pain.

I drove over and paramedics were there and had done an assessment and found nothing wrong, normal ecg, good blood pressure etc.

My dad at that point looked exhausted and confused and had been sick. The paramedics were umming and ahhing whether to take him in or not.

He suddenly said he didn't feel well and wanted the toilet. He was adamant he needed to go and so myself and my brother tried to help him but he collapsed at the bottom of the stairs struggling to breathe. Paramedics said he was just having a panic attack 🙄 but then realised it was more than that, he'd stopped breathing.

I watched them perform cpr on him for around 20/30 minutes but he'd gone I could see it.

My dad was adamant he didn't want a funeral. We debated what to do but in the end wanted to honour his wishes and so we didn't have one. His body went from the funeral home to the crem and was cremated.

I know it's what he wanted and we did have 2 get togethers to remember him but without a funeral i feel like I'm in limbo. It's hard to explain but I feel like I'm waiting for something.

We were so close and I just feel so lost without him.

@TheOriginalNutty -

Hi there,

So sorry for your loss. I can totally understand how lost you feel without your Dad and how much you miss him. I lost my Dad on 24th September which wasn’t my birthday, but two days after. I had to respond after reading your story as bits of it are like my story of my dad. You will struggle to read all the posts. But, I wanted to reply because my Dad was also 74 and with no health conditions.
Similar story, my mum rang me Thursday evening (23rd Sept) to go round because she’d had to call paramedics because Dad too had chest pain. He thought it was indigestion. Turned out he’d had a heart attack. Like your dad, they did CPR on my Dad for a while, nearly an hour but like you, my mum said he’d gone that night. They got him breathing again, with a tube and he lasted until the next afternoon about 3.19pm when they took the machine off and said he was dying.
I won’t ever celebrate my birthday again because I’ll always remember that the next day he went into hospital. And two days after he died. And he’s left my mum who is broken, me and my sister devastated and the grandkids. I know how you feel. Your dad just went 3 months before mine, I find it hard that I feel no-one understands apart from my mum. If you want to talk more about it and about your Dad, there are some lovely people on here and I find it helps to share how we all feel and what we’re all going through. I have looked a few times to see if there’s any local bereavement groups as I thought it might help to go to like a support group where people have lost a mum or Dad and can just talk and have a cup of tea together, it helps talking to people who have been through it/going through it, but there doesn’t seem to be anything. There’s counselling but that’s a bit different and I haven’t gone down that route yet. I’m just muddling through each day but we saw so much of my Dad, I feel lost and I can’t help but feel 74 is so young to be taken. Sending you a hand hold.

@TheOriginalNutty

Sorry, I forgot to say, that waiting in limbo.. I’m not 100% sure if that’s because you had no funeral or not because I feel like that. Me and mum constantly feel like we’re waiting for something, I feel like when will this be over and How long til dad comes back. I think it must take a very long time until you can accept what’s happened. I know you never get over it, but I wonder at what point you realise this is it, they’re not coming back. I’m not there yet and it’ll be 4 months on Monday. x

Hi @LucyintheSky21 , so sorry to read about the loss of your dad and yes such similar stories.

I totally get the thinking ok when is this over so they can come back. I often find myself thinking that exact thing almost like ok ha ha very funny is he coming back now. It's so strange.

The only thing that really gives me any comfort is that he died quickly. My dad was a very independent man and still up and about working on his cars. He would have hated to be in a situation where he had become ill and not able to do things for himself, drive a car etc.

My brothers are now living in my dads house (1 always has) and they have kept my dads dog too. It's lovely but I feel so jealous that they are there every day as I feel slightly better when I'm there.

WRT your birthday please don't never celebrate it again. I don't know about your dad but mine would hate to think that I'd done that. He'd want me to live my life to the full in his memory💕

I agree a group for people grieving would be a good idea. Not sure if there are any by me, I'll have a look. I was offered grief counselling by work but wasn't sure so didn't take it.

Hi @TheOriginalNutty

Your Dad sounds like mine, he too was a very independent and busy man. He was married to my mum for 47 years and did everything together, but my Dad was always fixing cars and was into motorbikes and he liked doing his garden. Motorbikes we’re his passion and had been for all his life. He was out with his friends on Thursday all day riding (23rd sept) and it was that night he started with the chest pain. He had so many friends too who all miss him terribly.
The only thing that gives me relief as well is that my Dad wouldn’t have wanted to live being unwell or unable to do things. The hospital said after he passed that it took paramedics a while to get dad breathing again and that we couldn’t be sure that no damage has been done through lack of oxygen and he wouldn’t have wanted to live like that if he couldn’t do all the things he enjoyed. So I’m glad it was quick and he wasn’t suffering for weeks or months but what I can’t get my head around is that he was fit well and healthy and all fine on Thursday morning. How then does someone just have a heart attack that night from nowhere, and bang the next day they are gone?! I just can’t get my head around that and why he was taken or why he has gone. Here one minute and gone the next. It must be the same for you. And I think the shock and the suddenness just makes it so much harder to deal with. He was 74 but looked young and was such a young dad and grandad. He was younger in himself if that makes sense, even though 74 isn’t old at all these days. I have two young boys and they both adored my Dad. I would normally be round at my mum and dad’s on a Saturday and we’d always get a takeaway together, we’re going round soon but now it’s just mum. Like you, I like being there in his house but it hurts so much him not being there. I just don’t think I’ll ever get used to Dad not being here. Re my birthday, I turned 40 on 22nd September so it was a special bday or meant to be but it will always be the case that it’s my birthday and the day after my dad was rushed into hospital. I honestly won’t acknowledge my bday this year. I know my dad wouldn’t want that but how can you celebrate a day that’s meant to be happy and a day your dad should be there. The hard thing for me is that when it was my bday on the Weds, I went out with my husband and my two boys just bowling and for a meal, but my Dad had said that we’d all go out again on the Sunday for Sunday dinner (a treat from my Dad) and it would be all of us but with my mum and dad as well, and we of course never got to do that. We did so much with him, I just can’t believe we won’t again. It’s agonising isn’t it? People keep mentioning grief counselling to me as well but I’ve not done anything about it, I feel sceptical about talking to a stranger. I know I’m a group we’d all be strangers but at least all going through it so can relate. I did mention on here about a meet up before Xmas but it can be difficult if people are all over and quite far away. I’m in West Yorkshire.
I think it’s nice that your brothers have moved into your Dad’s house, or one has but nothing are living there. And it’s good you feel comfort when you’re there. I do because all dad’s things are there in the same place but I find it so strange without him there. It’s actually Dad’s bday in two weeks time and I’m dreading it. Do you live far from your dad’s house and are you all supporting each other?

Sorry for the typo’s @TheOriginalNutty - I meant to say, I think it’s nice that your brother’s are both living in your Dad’s house. It will always be your Dad’s house, like my mum and dad’s house will always be ‘mum and dad’s’. I still say it and I won’t suddenly just start calling it ‘mum’s’.

I still call my dads house dads and I always will
I live about a 15 min drive from there so I can pop over whenever I like which is nice.

My dad also had lots of friends and locals that knew him and they are all devastated too. He was loved so much more than he realised. He left behind 2 sisters and a brother and they are all really struggling to come to terms with things too.

It is just so surreal to have them here and fine one minute and gone forever the next. Logically I know that this can happen but my brain is still puzzling over how on earth is it possible for them to be taken so quickly.

My dads birthday (and Father's Day) was a week after he died and we asked people that had already got him a card to still send them and that was lovely to see so many arrive.

I'm not sure what I will do on the first anniversary of his death and my birthday but possibly going to get a tattoo done relating to him that day x

@TheOriginalNutty

We’ve not long been back from my mum and dad’s house but it just feels so awful without my Dad, there’s just no getting used to it. All the time it just feels like we’re passing the time until he comes back from somewhere, and someone says ‘Right folks, it’s all been a terrible joke’.
Your Dad really does sound a lot like mine, leaving behind so many people friends and family who thought so much of him. I think my Dad had more friends than I do.
I think that was a lovely thing you did asking people to still send the birthday cards to your Dad. It must be crushing for you that it falls on Father’s Day as well. I always find and I don’t know why, but don’t you think when you’ve lost your Dad you’ll go into a card shop and suddenly every card that jumps out at you from the shelf is a ‘Dad’ card. I noticed it at Christmas. It’s the same with everything I suppose, this week I saw that Easter eggs are in the shops and staring straight at me was the big Cadbury’s Roses egg that I got my Dad last Easter. He loved chocolate so I always got him one of those large eggs.
I think a tattoo to remind you of your Dad is a nice idea. Dad was buried, so the plan is to go to the canyon his bday (two weeks time) but we will all cry and struggle to get through the day. I may get mum some flowers but I can’t decide if that’s a nice idea or not. I just wish we could make things like this disappear and go back in time. x

@TheOriginalNutty - we will not be going to the ‘canyon’ on my Dad’s birthday. I meant, the cemetery.. My phone at the moment has a habit of doing that. x

Been a super tough week, should have been dad's birthday on Wednesday. I found it so hard. I'm at mum's now until Tuesday. While it's comforting to be surrounded by my dad's things, it's also incredibly upsetting knowing he won't use those things anymore, I'm sat in my childhood bedroom having a cry because I don't want to upset mum. Feels sometimes like he's popped to the shop, or is out playing golf,or out for a pint with friends and he'll be back in a bit. But then I think he'll never be back, that I'll never see his face again, and bloody hell that hurts. I just miss him so so much.

@Testarossa44

So sorry to hear that you’ve had a tough week, I can imagine how hard it must have been for you on your Dad’s birthday. I have that to come in just two weeks time. What did you do on Wednesday?
We would always have gone out for a family meal for my Dad’s bday and either me or my mum would have made Dad a bday cake. At the moment I just plan to go with my mum and my two boys to the cemetery on the morning on my Dad’s birthday and I reckon the rest of the day will just be a write-off. I cousins bring myself to do anything to celebrate it without him here. I do have a candle though and am going to light it on the morning and have it lit all day. How did your mum manage to get through the day?
My mum is really struggling, as we all are but so much worse for her being on her own. Like you, I try not to cry too much in front of my mum and try to be strong for her but it’s very hard. In some ways it’s comforting to be around your Dad’s things as I know I feel that. We haven’t touched any of Dad’s things but it hurts too to think he won’t do this or that again with them. I don’t think it’s getting any easier, I must say. I share completely how you feel, I miss my Dad so much, I know that doesn’t help you but I do know how you feel because I’d give anything to bring him back. Me and mum were saying the same thing today as you, it’s like he’s just at the shops getting a paper or out on his bike. x

I had to work on Wednesday. My sister spent the day with mum, so she wasn't by herself, they went to the cemetery together. I'm going by myself before I go home on Tuesday. I worry about mum being by herself, but she does help in a charity shop twice a week, so that helps, as at least she's seeing people. Generally she's doing okay, but I know she's struggling on making decisions about household stuff as it's something that dad always did.