For Anyone Needing Support After Losing a Parent. Very Supportive Thread (September 2021)

[Crunchymum]

Hi guys,

New thread here for when the other one gets full.

Lots of love to you all.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/bereavement/4162017-For-Anyone-Needing-Support-After-Losing-A-Parent-Very-Supportive-Thread

I found new year much harder than Christmas, just felt like I was leaving my dad behind, it was definitely more emotional. I'm coping okay, back at work, and feel like I can actually do my work now. I'm back sewing (I sell stuff on etsy) but sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be doing normal everyday stuff, I should still be thinking of my dad all the time and how much I miss him so very very much (and now I am crying) but then I know my dad would never ever want me to sit around sad and miserable. He'd want me to live my life. But gosh I ache to give him a call or text him, or receive a joke from him on WhatsApp. It would have been hisburthday next week, not sure how that's going to feel.

@Testarossa44 - Like you, I found new year harder than Christmas. We set the table for my Dad where he sits every year and we poured him a drink and had a candle lit for him all day. But it was so painful looking at his seat at the table being empty. I kept telling my mum he was with us and that he would be, and I really hope he was. We had a lovely meal and my DC enjoyed getting presents from Santa, but my older son who was so close to my Dad didn’t enjoy Christmas much this year. He wasn’t bothered for it at all, which I found heartbreaking. My mum was a wreck too. New year’s Eve I felt very low, and also New year’s day because I always make dinner for my Mum and Dad on New year’s day. This year I just had mum over for dinner but before she arrived and while I was cooking with a glass of wine, I just couldn’t stop crying. I feel like my thoughts on Dad change all the time and it’s always something that tortures me. I mean that I still think about my Dad morning to night, but what I’m starting to really struggle with is that I know how much he didn’t want to go and leave us. He’d want to still be here. I’m not religious at all in any way, but when my Nan passed a few years ago I knew that she’d want to be with my Grandad because she was always waiting to be reunited with him, if that makes sense. She would have been happy to go. Dad was such a shock to us and I just feel so desperately sad that I know how much he wouldn’t want to be in another place unable to be with us. He led such a busy and active life with so many friends who all miss him so much, a wife who can’t cope or bare life without him. People say to me that your dad is watching and he’s with you, and God I desperately hope he is by my side every day and I talk to him when I’m alone, but I know how much he would ache to be with us too. That hurts me.
I’m so glad that you’re coping ok and that you feel you can work again but I’m with you on the aching to see and speak to your dad. What date is your dad’s bday? My Dad’s is early Feb and I’m dreading that as well. My DC keep asking what will we do for Dad’s bday and I don’t know what to say.
I don’t know if this is normal but I still feel the shock and disbelief that Dad is gone. I feel like I haven’t processed any of what’s happened and it hits me in waves. My sister is still not talking to me either, and hasn’t since the day after the funeral.
It’s still early days for you and for me. How is your mum coping?

@LucyintheSky21

Bless you, and absolutely no explanation needed. I completely and utterly understand, we all do. You come and go as and when you need. There is always somewhere here for a chat but there is no obligation. Christmas is always a difficult time but the first Christmas is indescribable. You get through it, in whatever way you can.

@Testarossa44
My mum always said Christmas was for the kids but New Year was for the grown-ups. She made Christmas magical but she always let her hair down on NYE. She used to outlast all of us . I dreaded that first NYE without her. I didn't want to exist in a year she never got to see. I sobbed at the turn of midnight. It was awful. This NYE wasn't quite so difficult but the turn of the year is such a huge marker of time - it marks another year without my mum. That will always make me sad.

The firsts are all so bloody difficult, I hope you are able to do something fitting for your dad when his birthday comes. It doesn't have to be anything huge, but something that gives you comfort

@Crunchymum - thank you so much. I have missed the support on here I must say and I really do struggle with people in real life not understanding. I have plenty of friends but no-one really understands what I’m going through. On here I know that we all share the same feelings and we can all relate to the loss that each of us is feeling xx

Dad's birthday is next Wednesday. I'm working, but don't think that is going to help. My sister has taken the day off and is going to go and be with mum. I going to send her some flowers, and also go to mum's for the weekend. So bloody hard.

@Testarossa44 - that sounds nice, sending your mum some flowers and spending the weekend with her. My Dad’s is 4th Feb, a Friday so I think I will go to Dad’s grave at the cemetery like we did on xmas eve. I could also get mum some flowers. It will be a difficult and painful day for you all next Weds whatever you do but your dad will be with you and watching over you. That’s how I try to think with my Dad xx

Hi Everyone, how are you all holding up today? I have been trying to read back some of the posts you all posted when I went missing for a bit. I’m so sorry for you all going through what you are, and I understand it too of course because I’m in the same boat. Some of, or most of what people have said resonates with me identically so I just felt I had to come on now and say that. In particular, @Lucillesbigsister- reading what you said just struck an immediate chord with me. It’s 3 months on for me or just over 3 months and I’m at the stage now where I feel and think to myself ‘ok, enough’s enough. It’s been long enough now without Dad. It’s time for him to come back’. Like he’s gone somewhere but coming back soon. I know exactly what you meant because I really feel like he’s coming back soon and we’ll all be able to sigh a big sigh of relief that all of this is over. I’m 40 and two young kids (Dad went just two days after what should have been a special big bday for me) and I don’t seem to have accepted it. I say that out loud to people such a lot, I’ll say ‘I just can’t believe he’s gone’ but I think people must thing I’m mad. I don’t know at what point we realise that they’re not coming back but I can’t face that right now. I find people ask less and less how you are 3 months on, it’s as if you should have moved on by now. But I know I’ll never move on. Like @mrssunshinexxx said as well, I have photos and pictures of Dad now all over the house. He’s in the lounge in two places, even going up the stairs there’s a big canvas of him, at the top of the landing and in my bedroom. He’s smiling too and looks the happy healthy man he was. I don’t know when realisation hits but I also know that I don’t want it to. Sounds stupid but I feel like I’m almost clinging on to the hope that this might not be final or the end, he’s just somewhere for now but coming home soon to relieve us all of this pain we’re in. Does this sound mad or do people feel the same?

@LucyintheSky21 I think most of us feel that way from time to time. Even now, 5 years after dad died and 2 years after mum, I still feel that pinch from time to time.
You are ( unfortunately) not alone. It's normal.

@LucyintheSky21 you sound like you are really struggling, do you think some counselling may help you. My sister is getting some, and she's finding it's helping, she went via her gp. I don't feel I need it. I was so distraught in the beginning, I barely stopped crying, I was angry, stopped eating, my emotions and feelings were incredibly overwhelming. But I think 'letting it all out then, is why I'm coping now, I didn't hide anything about how I was feeling. My dad's gp came to see us just after, and ahe said to allow yourself to feel what you feeling, that it helps in the long run. But she also said to take things slowly, that it can take up to 6mths for the initial pain and shock to subside, and up to 2 years for some to feel like they can actually living their life again.

@LucyintheSky21 it doesn't sound mad at all. Nearly 20 months for me and I do the same I tell myself she's on holiday. When I walk through town I picture her every time I turn a corner it's awful

Thank you so much for your replies @mrssunshinexxx @Testarossa44 and @ImperfectAlf

I have just done the school run. I thought I was coping. Some days I think I am and others I’m not too sure. I honestly don’t know if counselling would help or not. My initial thoughts are that I’d like to be able to cope without it, I’ve never had any so I don’t really know how it works. I think I will give it a little longer and see, but it could be worth looking into. I don’t want to start with antidepressants but counselling I would definitely consider.
Like you @mrssunshine, I imagine him waking down the road with a paper in his hand or walking up the driveway when im at mum’s house. It’s very hard. It’s still such early days though, I know.
@mrssunshinexxx - has the situation improved for you at all with your Dad? If anything, things have worsened with my sister. Or should I say, it’s no better. I still haven’t seen or spoken to her since the funeral.

@LucyintheSky21 How are you doing today?

@LucyintheSky21 Well, don't know what happened there!
I meant to add... my sister and I (she's younger) are still finding our feet again after mum's death. Navigating the relationship is so tiring at times. Both of you are grieving. Things are said that can't be unsaid no matter what the apology later. It's tough. I get you

Hi @ImperfectAlf,

I feel slightly brighter today but that’s because I’ve been out food shopping and I’ve had places I’ve needed to go so it’s kept me busy until now but it just comes in waves for me. I know it’s very early days. How long is it now for you?
Did you have a good relationship with your sister before this happened to your family? For me, I really thought that families would come together and support each other especially sisters and brothers etc but my sister moved house about 6 years ago, not a million miles away by any stretch but she wanted to move near the seaside. There was no real reason, she didn’t have to move. But moving meant that her and her children saw less of mum and dad. We (me husband and my two boys) have always been very close to my mum and dad and spent every weekend together and through the week I’d seen them a couple of times, days out in the summer and holidays etc. Just so close and in a bubble together through lockdown. It’s just been such a shock as dad was fit and well and healthy and two days after my birthday he has a heart attack. I just honestly can’t believe it has happened. But my sister was there for me and mum and we were all together until the morning after the funeral when my sister decided to send me a string of hurtful messages which I can only put done to guilt and regret that she didn’t see that much of my mum and dad and that my kids saw them more etc. Its all so insignificant now, my Dad loved us both and all his grandkids equally. She’s not supporting my mum at all as she’s gone distant. She’s not been to see my mum even over xmas despite my mum asking her to come. So I’m still doing whey thing I can to support my mum as well. My mum is not coping well, she came for tea last night but she had tears rolling down her face during the meal and she is just broken. It’s heartbreaking for me as well that she’s as broken as that. I am broken too buy I know it’s much harder for my mum who loves with Dad and was married to him for 47 years.

@LucyintheSky21 I can't remember what I last told you but he sent cards again over Xmas for my children signed off from him and his girlfriend. I also saw his girlfriend was advertising my mums things on a fb sale and swap site you honestly couldn't make it up

@mrssunshinexxx - Oh that’s dreadful that she’s been advertising your mum’s things, I honestly don’t know how you’d deal with something like that. It’s heartbreaking for you. And cards from both your Dad and his girlfriend, that seems really insensitive. He could have just signed them from himself. I’m so sorry. Other than the situation with your Dad, how are you coping with things?

They are a pair of insensitive arseholes- well suited. @LucyintheSky21 there's also talk of my dad and his 2 brothers having a meeting about putting my nan in a care home (my mum was the one who looked after her etc) she can look after herself but js losing her memory my mum always promised her she would never go in a home and my mum would have her live with them. Seems my dad has forgotten this. Disgraceful. My health visitor has referred me for bereavement counselling I'm open to giving it another go I first had it when she had just died 6 weeks previously and it was far too soon x

@mrssunshinexxx

I’m so sorry that you’re having to deal with all of this on top of your grief for your Mum. I feel awful for you, because it’s painful enough just getting through each day without your Mum, without added dickhead behaviour from family members. I know my situation with my sister is different to yours with your Dad, but I can relate to how insensitive your Dad is being with how my sister is being with both me and my mum. She hasn’t supported mum or me and has kept distance and anytime she does speak to my mum on the phone or in a text message, she says insensitive bizarre things like ‘Mum you should be getting on with life now’. It’s been 3 months! I could slap her. She hasn’t been to see my mum since the day after the funeral when she went back home. She lives an hour and half drive away, has a car and works from home. Has kids but all quite grown up and independent. Didn’t even manage to see my Mum on Boxing Day or for any of the days over Xmas or new year.
As for your Nan, that must be so painful for you. My Mum cared for my Nan before she passed 4 and a half years ago and my mum also promised my Nan that she’d never ever see her in a home. And it would hurt your mum I’m sure if your Nan was to go in one when she knew it was against her wishes. Your Dad should have complete respect for what your mum did for your Nan and what she wanted for her. It must be terribly hard for you. Can you intervene at all? x

@mrssunshinexxx

I recall reading you're post about ur dad's new partner selling your mum's belongings I was utterly shocked to read that sorry I meant to respond at the time. It amazing what people think is acceptable behaviour. Are there any of your mum's items that you wish to have yourself do you have some sentimental items of hers that you can keep? Are you maybe able to approach your dad and tell him how these adverts are making you feel and ask them to stop maybe?

It just doesn't seem right for her to be selling anything of your mums. If it were me i'd be raging and totally devastated at the same time. Do you know if you're dad is aware that you know about his new partner selling your mum's stuff maybe they both don't know that you have seen the posts online?

If you can and I know it will be so difficult please try to see past these belonging even just for your own sanity. Whatever this woman is selling of your mum's she never had your mum in her life she was never lucky enough to have known such an amazing person. No matter what she sells it will never take away the fact that you had the love of your mum for so many years. I know not enough years I feel the same way as my mum died young too but try to hold onto that love that your mum gave you and the love you gave her in return.

Sadly it sounds like your dad has made up his mind about this woman and she's in his life whether you like it or not. As tough as that is unfortunately we can't change other people's behaviour as much as we wish we could especially when it causes us so much pain. It doesn't make it right or that you should accept how he is choosing to live his life. You will have built up a lot of anger and resentment emotions that you really did not need to deal with along with the pain of loosing your mum. My circumstances are different but in a way also similar. I feel that my dad cares more about alcohol than me. He's off it (for now) with the help of his GP. Help that I got him although I wouldn't grudge him any help. I know alcoholism is an illness. It's like your dad with this new woman he will do what he wants to do and to hell with what anyone else says. I feel like am on an emotional rollercoaster. One week my dad is ok the next he's drinking so heavily sometimes falling and injuring himself. Addictions are a form of self harm and he seems to be blinkered only seeing what's important to himself.

I hope this time around the counselling will help you process how your a feeling. I have my last week with Cruse Bereavement next week it's a bit scary not having that support anymore but I know that the helpline is away there for those darker days.

Sometimes I just need my mum to tell me that everything is going to be ok god I miss her so much xx

@LucyintheSky21 it's disgraceful that your sister is saying that she should be getting on with her life really actually cruel your poor mum and you I can imagine you want to slap her I would to! As sad as it must be for your mum to not have both her daughters rallying around from what you say on here your sister doesn't sound like the right support for your mum. Keep doing what you are doing for her she will never forget it. I couldn't of done more for dad initially but it almost cost me my marriage and he leaned on me so heavily when I look back I think how could you do that to me when I was so heavily pregnant and grieving so deeply myself. I'm not sure what I can do re my nan I don't feel like it's us as grand Childrens responsibility I wouldn't expect my children to look after my parents I think it's their job it's just a damn shame soon as mum dies this is what they think is the right thing to do.

@Ttc42nearly43 thank you for your message it's almost impossible to live without them it I literally ache for her. She was incredible.
Your dad is being equally as selfish as mine it sounds like his coping mechanism to just get blind drunk but what he doesn't realise is the sheer worry and anxiety this puts on your for his health and how worrying about how truly miserable he must be. If im honest im scared to bump Into him or write a letter because he really wouldn't want to read or hear the things I feel and want to say. I don't think I've said this on here before it's very painful for me and something I need to visit with a counsellor. From how dad replays the day mum got poorly and went into hospital I totally and utterly blame him for not noticing and taking her sooner. Which then could of led to her surviving . He made up the crappest excuses saying she kept telling him she was fine even though her bloody speech was jumbled and that he couldn't lift her (she was on a deckchair in front garden a tall lady but slim) and I just think fucking pick her up or drag her under her arms supporting head doesn't matter about her legs dragging on floor if it's Gunna save her life or shout and scream for a neighbour / passer by. I was 34 weeks pregnant and a small 5ft.5 but god I would of got her in my car if my life depended on it and got her to the hospital . The ambulance took 50 whole minutes to come for her that time could of saved her life if he hadn't of fucked around !! Sorry for swearing I have so much pent up everything I'm up feeding my newborn tears streaming down my face I feel like the worst person in the world I wish it had been him and not her every day

@Ttc42nearly43 no they don't know I've seen the stuff for sale I've blocked her now but it took every ounce of me not to comment and ask her how the fuck she thought that was appropriate

Hi @mrssunshinexxx

I agree totally with @Ttc42nearly43, it amazes me how people behave and what people think is appropriate. Your Dad’s girlfriend is a disgrace doing that selling your mum’s things, I’d also be fuming with rage and deeply hurt. Your Dad allowing this as well, assuming he knows. It’s a very sad situation. I’m glad you have blocked her. As for the relationship with your Dad, he leant on you in the beginning and you were there for him despite being pregnant, and this is how he treats you back in return. As someone else said, it does sound like he’s not getting rid of the girlfriend any time soon but she’s clearing only a coping mechanism for him and nothing more. You can’t replace someone you had all those years with and that life with and children. He’s just found a shoddy replacement (I hope that doesn’t sound bad), I’ve known people do this before, wait ten minutes and they have found someone and they try to give off the image that they’re ok and moving in with life, but I don’t believe for a second that they are. It’s outrageous, I’d be so hurt. I wish I could find something comforting to say to you but can only say that I’m thinking of you.
I am going with my mum to see a solicitor today at 11am and I am dreading that as it’s just the last thing we need, to see if we need probate etc xx

@mrssunshinexxx

You are not the worst person it sounds like you have a lot of pent up resentment and you are greiving the loss of your lovely mum plus you have just had a baby so please cut yourself some slack you are allowed to feel angry about what has happened.

I hope you don't mind me asking and you don't need to share but did the hospital say that the outcome for your mum would have been different with a quicker response time. Am asking as am in a somewhat similar situation where am waiting on a independent medical report as I blame my mum's GP and care home staff for their delayed responses. I hope this comes back as a clear no that the outcome for mum wouldn't have been any different. Am not sure I could handle being told that had they called NHS 24 on that Sunday then my mum would still be here. But I have to know that's why I have instructed a medical negligence solicitor.

Hugs to you all starting another day. My 6 year old has just tested positive for Covid which is just brilliant news we are going to be like caged lions with the kids self isolating over the next 10 days xx

@Ttc42nearly43 - I just wanted to say so sorry about your little one testing positive. It seems to be rife everywhere. I got it before Christmas but luckily neither of my children or husband did, by some miracle.

@mrssunshinexxx - sorry, I know I posted to you before but I posted too soon and wanted to say that I really do think the counselling again might be good for you with how you feel towards your dad and the feelings you have built up. I’m considering it myself at the moment as I feel dreadfully low and I’m still going over it in my head all the time over and over. What I’d give to see my Dad again and for it to be how it was just over 3 months ago xx

Hi Everyone, just checking in to see how everyone is doing today.

@Ttc42nearly43 - How is your little one doing? I hope not too poorly and hope no-one else has got it. I was very lucky when I had it that neither my two children or my husband caught it from me but I kept windows open and wore my mask in the house etc. It seems to be everywhere at the moment.