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Find bereavement help and support from other Mumsnetters. See also your choices after baby loss.

Original poster

My partner killed himself today

216 replies

ForgedInFire · 30/07/2021 20:45

We have 3 young children. One is only a baby. My username is after his favourite TV show and he was so excited to watch a new episode just last night. How is this possible. I haven't told my kids yet and I don't know how I am going to

OP posts:
Lifeispassingby · 30/07/2021 21:48

Forgot to add, we told his daughter that he was very ill but no one knew and so couldn’t help him to get better. (We had to tell her that he took his own life because it was likely to be in local press and there was a chance she would find out at some point)

feb2022 · 30/07/2021 21:50

OP I'm so sorry your going through this sending my love and strength to you & your family 💐

SurferWoman · 30/07/2021 21:52

So sorry Daffodil

thepeopleversuswork · 30/07/2021 21:52

So very sorry you have to experience this. Wishing you strength over the coming days.

DingleyDel · 30/07/2021 21:52

There are no words. I’m so very sorry. I just wanted to say I lost my father to suicide when I was a young teen (also had younger siblings) and there is life for you and your kids after this terrible event. You will feel happiness and ‘normality’ again in time. I would also recommend the charity survivors of suicide. Flowers

IndiaMay · 30/07/2021 21:54

I'm so sorry for your loss, I lost a close family member to suicide 6 months ago and found the SOBS (survivors of bereavement by suicide) website a great help. There is a helpline, a forum for bereaved survivors and also virtual meetings you can attend.

Its amazing once you are bereaved in this way how many people come out and talk about similar situations and the one thing that sticks is that about 90% of the bereaved say they didnt see it coming, the deceased person was doing well and had plans for the future. You couldnt see it coming, there is nothing you could have done as sadly your partner had made up his mind. Please try not to dwell on this.

I have also spoken to someone who attempted suicide and found solice in the fact that they said they didnt think of it at the time as ending their life or who would be left behind, they just wanted to quiet the pain for a little while and their brain didnt quite compute what would happen beyond that. Maybe it will help you.

Finally, we have a young family member (9) who was close to the deceased. We told them they ended their life and they were poorly in their mind. They couldnt their illness see it but they had it in their mind and sadly it made them take their own life. She has interestingly not asked how yet. We felt it wasnt something we could hide from her as family members and friends were coming in and out the house talking about it, everyone in her classes parents knew (small community) and we didnt want her catching snippets of conversation or finding out in the school playground. It might not be for you but we felt this has been the easiest way which doesnt leave her feeling like there is a dark secret she doesnt know. It has worked for us and we talk about him openly and with love.

CarryOn1 · 30/07/2021 21:55

I'm so sorry OP.
Was it definitely suicide?
Sorry to ask that. Just if he was happy and making immediate and near future plans, promises to the kids, it seems strange. My deepest sympathies.

Evenstar · 30/07/2021 21:55

Winston’s Wish are excellent, depending where you are in the country there are smaller local groups like Daisy’s Dream, based in Berkshire but they cover surrounding areas who offer activities and support.

When you feel able www.widowedandyoung.org.uk/ can offer a lot of support and things like meet ups in your local area. They do have a dedicated support group for widows who have been bereaved by suicide.

Definitely be honest with the children that he has died, there is a very good book called “Is Daddy Coming Back in a Minute” which explains sudden death in simple terms for very young children. I would recommend explaining it in terms of Daddy being ill, I think it may be too soon to discuss suicide in detail given their ages.

I am so very sorry for your loss and please keep posting here if it helps.

Lobo · 30/07/2021 21:56

I'm so sorry for your loss and sending lots of virtual hugs.

Seven years ago my children's father took his life after several years of being ill. At the time we had been separated for nearly a year.

I found the books below really helpful

Grief in Children, Second Edition: A Handbook for Adults

A Special Scar: Peoples experiences of suicide

Winston's Wish had a book aimed at children specifically related to suicide that I used with my eldest.

I found that by keeping it simple and explaining to my children that there dad's chemicals in his brain got mixed up it made him poorly. I kept it brief, simple and truthful as my children were 7 and 2 at the time.

No doubt at present you will be in shock for me I found reading the Grief in Children book helped me prepare myself for telling the children. I read it through out the night before I told the children the next day x

Notmoresugar · 30/07/2021 21:57

So so sorry for you all (flowers)

Terminallysleepdeprived · 30/07/2021 21:58

@ForgedInFire couldn't read and run. I am so sorry for your loss.

froggybiby · 30/07/2021 22:03

I am so sorry for your tragic news. I am glad you have people around you xx Big hugs.

littlepinkwinky · 30/07/2021 22:03

I'm truly sorry. Let everyone help you, you must be gentle with yourself. If you can't face food, bananas will keep you going for a while. Keep your fluids up, your mouth will be very dry. I'm so very sorry.

Friendofdennis · 30/07/2021 22:04

I’m so sorry

MrsPerfect12 · 30/07/2021 22:05

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

waitingpatientlyforspring · 30/07/2021 22:05

Op, I am so sorry. I have no experience so no idea what to say. My DH suffers with depression and at times in the past I've worried this will be the outcome. Early lat year I had counselling to try and help me understand him and I hoped help me stop getting so far. What I was told is that there is very little you can do, when people feel this way they will hide it and will try and pretend all is well. Please don't feel amy kind of guilt that you missed the signs. He will have tried his best to hide them from you.

MrsWorriedMother · 30/07/2021 22:06

No words. Just so sorry for you and your family. Just want to wrap my arms around you all and get you through this.

waitingpatientlyforspring · 30/07/2021 22:07

Oh, and I heard a mum in a similar position framed it to her kids that their dad was ill in his head, that is was an illness he died of rather than something he chose to do yo himself.

NorthernBirdAtHeart · 30/07/2021 22:08

I’m just so very sorry for your loss, all of you Flowers

Notashandyta · 30/07/2021 22:08

So, so sorry.

We have kids a similar age and I can't imagine your pain.

Please look after yourself.

Zandathepanda · 30/07/2021 22:09

I hope you can take from this thread that the feelings you have and will have are common to many who have experienced this type of bereavement. I found some other people in real life may say some thoughtless things because they don’t understand. Winstons Wish has been mentioned a lot and we found them good too Flowers

DrRichardBurke · 30/07/2021 22:09

@waitingpatientlyforspring

Oh, and I heard a mum in a similar position framed it to her kids that their dad was ill in his head, that is was an illness he died of rather than something he chose to do yo himself.
Which is exactly what depression is. It's not a choice of a well mind.

Sorry for your loss OP

Misspacorabanne · 30/07/2021 22:10

I'm so sorry! Sending you strength, and a hand hold. Your in my thoughts. Flowers

omgthepain · 30/07/2021 22:10

@ForgedInFire
I'm so very sorry to read this
Sending love ❤️

me4real · 30/07/2021 22:10

So sorry for your loss @ForgedInFire Flowers Please look after yourself. xxx

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