For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@Ttc42nearly43 sorry, I've been tied up with the children all day so only coming in now. I do mean to go back through the thread when I can on my computer, but I don't get to do that as often as I'd like.
I hope you can find peace. I didn't think I ever would. And I've had a big cry again today. Then decided to yoga while I was crying. Meditate.
I do connect with my mum, too.
Can you explain what you mean? About the too far gone, and the medication? I don't want to misconstrue.
If I can help in any way, I will try xxx

@Amup just to say hi and I'm sorry to hear about going through your mum's flat. It must be so hard, we aren't there yet (my mum died very suddenly and unexpectedly 9 weeks ago) she was healthy as far as anyone knew.
I know at some point I will have to go through her things with my DDad. I'm still in the terrible pain really. I can't even contemplate opening a drawer.
If you have time, take it. Sending you lots of strength.
@Ttc42nearly43 when you mention medication, I asked my GP about it - she said she thought I should go back
To her if I can't contemplate life etc and feel like things are just so extremely hard after 3 months. I'm planning on making an appointment around that point. I've been so low the past few days. I feel so angry, so robbed of my mum.
I feel like nobody understands how wonderful my mum was and how impossible it is to lose her. It's like someone is physically taking something from my body.
It's awful and shattering and it feels like my life has been blasted away from me, and I'm watching it all fall apart.

@Crunchymum that is so difficult. I am so sorry. This is the thing with grief... it's not just the loss, is it? It's the whole bundle of suffering, everything.
How is your dad? He has seen your mum every day, and also seen and heard how she didn't want any of their children to see her. A difficult position. I feel for all of you. Including of course, your mum.
Sending you all lots of love.
@Amup I don't think it is bonkers at all. What you explain sounds perfectly reasonable and understandable. Those curtains sound wonderful. My mum also made curtains. I have some in my home she made. Things like that catch us. At times they can cause sorrow, at other times they are precious, solid embodiments of their love, attention, detail, joy, etc.
Also, I am so sorry for your diagnosis. I see why you would want your mum to hold your hand. Absolutely. I hope it is early, treatable, and will become nothing but a memory in some time.
Take your time with your mum's home. Take your time. We don't need the 'stuff' to remember them, or feel them, but they can serve very easily as precious portals.
Sending everyone love, and a big hug.

[quote Spiritwriter]@Ttc42nearly43 sorry, I've been tied up with the children all day so only coming in now. I do mean to go back through the thread when I can on my computer, but I don't get to do that as often as I'd like.
I hope you can find peace. I didn't think I ever would. And I've had a big cry again today. Then decided to yoga while I was crying. Meditate.
I do connect with my mum, too.
Can you explain what you mean? About the too far gone, and the medication? I don't want to misconstrue.
If I can help in any way, I will try xxx[/quote]
Sorry spiritwriter this was a typo I meant to type meditation if this would help me they to find a bit if peace in my mind and to try to find a closeness with my mum. At the moment it doesn't feel like there's anything that can help. My feels so far from me right now even when am sitting at her graveside my mind can't get my head around the fact that she is there now and not alive

@Ttc42nearly43 I'm so sorry, I didn't get a notification when you answered. Phone is funny like that.
Ah, I see. Yes, I would absolutely say to start practicing meditation. I personally would recommend it. And be kind to yourself.
I would recommend loving kindness practice. That is for YOU.
And I would recommend Pema Chodron's books. I devoured them one after another.
I started really with accepting how awful it really is. Simply accepting that. Accepting the grief with no intention of making it go way or ease. Just simply being with it.
I am blessed in that I have received messages from mum (I know lots of people are sceptical but that's ok. It's a personal path) so that has helped. But honestly...it also doesn't take away the pain in here and now. How that helps is that I can listen to her guidance and also, so importantly, know she's okay now. I understand this isn't for everyone, but it's what I can share from my own life. My mum knew I connected with Spirit and I would do work for her, so I'm glad that she knows she can reach me.
This is putting it simply
But yes ...please be patient and try and be in each moment.
I tormented myself running through mum's story line. That caused me a lot of pain and distress.
I can't say I'm over this in any way. I think I am changed. And that's ok.
I know what you mean about the surreal aspect. Not believing it. Same. On and off here. My son says the same. And to be honest...to share something personal with you....my mum reached to me while I was in a moment of deep distress, and she clearly communicated...'death is an illusion.'
I am sharing this here and am aware that this makes me vulnerable. But if it can help in any way, in any way...I have to share it.
I don't try and figure anything out anymore. I stay in the mystery.
Much love to you.

I’ve missed lots since I first posted and haven’t had a chance to go back and read everything sorry.

I wondered if anyone struggled with their own MH after they lost a parent?

My mum died 8 weeks ago and my previously controlled health anxiety has been out of control since. I worry about different health conditions every day. Sometimes I worry about multiple conditions, sometimes a different one in the morning and a different one at night. It’s having a huge impact on my sleep.

Mum passed of sepsis and I had a UTI last week that I was convinced would progress to sepsis. I was in total turmoil and spoke to my GP about it because I was so worried.

Hope everyone is doing ok.

I’ve had days recently where I haven’t thought about my mum as much. Previously she dominated my every thought. I think my preoccupation with health stuff has prevented that a little. It’s not a bad thing - I think of her every day and we talk about her a lot.

Someone mentioned sighs - I desperately want to believe in them. On holiday last week we set the DC challenges when we were out driving - like finding things. One of the things was a purple car, and a lime green car. We had done lots of other colours already and we wee trying to make them more difficult. All at once we were surrounded by 5 very purple cars then a lime green one. DD1 said “that’s because I asked gran”. We then set a challenge to find a light pink car. Today I was driving home from the shops and the whole way home I was thinking about my mum. I had one of those “I can’t believe that’s it” moments that come now and again. Like disbelief that it’s over and I won’t see her again. DD1 was in the car with me and we were both quiet - me driving and she was just looking out. Then she said “mum there is a light pink car behind us”. DH thinks it’s pure coincidence but I just can’t believe it is!! I had been thinking about her so much and it appeared.

Hi @QueenHofScotland my mum also died 2 months ago. I'm so sorry.
I connect with so much of what you've said.
My mum suddenly died having previously been fit and healthy. I also struggle worrying I will die of the same cause. When I feel stronger I'm going to try to be checked out and find out if I have the same weakness in my heart.
I have two DCs they are 2 and 4. They know why I'm sad but I don't think they are sad, I don't want them to be so that's ok.
On signs, yes I've had some things happen that I think 'that HAS to mean something' and it does comfort me briefly.
I feel anxious about facing life and it's challenges without my mum. @Spiritwriter I'm finding your posts really comforting to read and I would love to hear my mum or feel like she was with me. I would love to be able to do that but I'm struggling to connect with her.
I think maybe all of that is just blocked by pain. Pain is my main emotion/state really.
Sending everyone lots of strength x

I’m so sorry @kittlesticks 😞

My mum wasn’t fit and healthy so her passing wasn’t a huge surprise - we certainly weren’t expecting it at that point though if that makes sense. She was getting better, my sister had just visited her and been told she was making progress. Then she died when my sister left the hospital. That’s been hard to process.

I too am also finding comfort in your posts @Spiritwriter. I too am struggling to connect with my mum. My sister had a dream where she felt mum had come to her. I was jealous that she didn’t come to me. I’ve even found it hard to bring her into my dreams.

Just catching up with the latest posts. Hello to the new posters and I'm sorry everyone is finding it especially hard just now.

I was terrified of dreaming about mum for ages, I didn't want to face the thought of her, it was too painful. I always dream very vividly about people I know and I had a dread of reliving her last couple of days. Because of that I didn't sleep well for months. I did have one terribly upsetting dream and woke up and was just in floods and floods of tears.

Now though I often surface in that half-asleep time of early morning and while it's not exactly a dream, she feels so real to me, I can see her in my mind's eye and she's there. Then I have to face all over again that she isn't anywhere, that she doesn't exist, and it just seems too incredible for words that she isn't in the world any more. I still see books she'd like to read and hear scraps of stuff on TV that make think 'oh, Mum would love to know that...'

But the absolute realness of her in those few moments can reassure me that in some sense she'll always be with me. There are still two messages from her on the answerphone and I listened to them a few days ago. Just a few words but they were the complete essence of her. I couldn't ever delete them; I've even made copies in case they accidentally get wiped.

All the same, I share that 'untethered from the world' feeling, kittlesticks. Somehow it's as though I don't quite know what I'm doing here any more. I can't motivate myself to do anything useful or productive beyond the essentials. And quite soon it'll be a year since she died. I just can't believe it.

@QueenHofScotland i think something might be going on with me I feel lower and sadder than ever and I'm heavily pregnant with a 13 month old I love my children and am totally. A hands on mum I give her all the affection and attention in the world but I can be reading her a book and I just burst into tears or rockin her in the middle of the night and same. I feel at the moment as I'm not enjoying anything and it's not something I feel safe to even say to my husband in real life for fear or judgement and he won't understand no one will becagse how can you unless you are living this agony

@mrssunshinexxx please do talk with us here if it helps. You have so much going on and support is what you need. I wish I could hug you.
Please don't give up, sweetheart.

@mrssunshinexxx I agree with Spiritwriter , it's not good that you're feeling so very down and can't express it to your Dh. Having Covid isn't going to have helped and I'm sure that feeling rotten will lower your mood even more.

Please perhaps think about seeking some help? You really need to be able to express your sadness freely without feeling you're being judged in any way. Sending a virtual hug your way.

Thanks both @Brillig @Spiritwriter I just can't put it into words life just feels like it will always be miserable without my mum

@mrssunshinexxx I know. And you don't need to put it into words. We know.
May I ask ....if I may be so bold ...how much of the misery is caused by other things or people in your life? In no way am I saying that the grief isn't horrendous. I know it is. But...are there any things you CAN change in some way that are making you unhappy?
Because that's a place we can start from.
Please keep talking. Or coming in. Finding what helps. In any little way. X

Sending you a hug @mrssunshinexxx it's so hard and being heavily pregnant with a toddler is a whole challenge in itself. You do have huge strength. I know what you mean about feeling it will always be this way. I'm thinking of you.

Thank you @kittlesticks it was just so sudden I no you understand this
@Spiritwriter we were having a lot of issues with in laws and my dad but I've gone NC with my dad which is definitely the right thing and haven't seen in laws in about 3 months. I don't know how to explain it my husband works away so that probably doesn't help I'm starting to feel really anxious about the birth aswell when wanting a baby we don't think about getting them out !
No question too bold don't worry x

@mrssunshinexxx it sounds like you have very little support, which can't be helping. Especially your ILs. It just magnifies the loss of your mum and the impact it's had.
How is the pregnancy going and how are you feeling - since your covid diagnosis? How have friends been helping or supporting you?

@mrssunshinexxx good to hear from you and glad it's okay to ask.
If I may be so bold again....I can understand your misery for sure, and it sounds like there's a lot going on there that isn't directly related to your mum. But stuff that your mum would support you through. And of course, stuff that may not have happened, i.e. your dad.
I hope you can take some moments to gain clarity to see you through these challenges. I know you don't have a spiritual view, but I feel certain your mum will be very closely next to you. Sometimes we can't see or feel through the veil.
I wish I could help. Don't give up sweetheart, and keep taking it moment by moment, making the right decisions for you each time.
I hope you can open up to your husband some x

Yeah you've hit the nail on the head @Spiritwriter none of this would of happened if mum was still here . I'm just really struggling to get my head around her being here one day then not the next it was so fast and unexpected there is no good way flr this to happen but I can't help but feel if I knew it was coming I would of found it easier to accept. I think about seeing her in that coffin every single day you shouldn't have to do that at 27 and then plan her funeral and see your dad move another random woman in it's all just too much. @kittlesticks I have a few really good long term friends and they have been there for me but everyone stops asking over time or has there own stuff going on x

@mrssunshinexxx I hear you. It's only been 2 months for me and most friends have stopped asking now.
I am lucky to have two best friends who ask all the time tho.
No you're right you shouldn't have had to deal with your mum's funeral at 27. It's an injustice.
@Spiritwriter thanks for your comforting posts.

Today is a bad day I have been crying a lot tonight just feel so sad. My sister's dog died today she's been in the family for 14 years. I would be calling mum now to speak to her about this and mum would know what to say to comfort everyone i miss her so much

@Ttc42nearly43 I'm sorry it's a bad day. It's so tough when something happens and you want to talk to her.
I'm dreading those moments - there will be plenty.
Thinking of you x

I feel so alone I can't call anyone in my family for fear of upsetting them even more and my husband tried to comfort me for a minute but he doesn't know what to say to me anymore

@Ttc42nearly43 oh, I'm so sorry. So sad. Journey well, sweet fur friend.
I know how this hurts, I really do. I lost my beloved girl last year, six weeks before my mum. It hurts.
Just keep on crying, hugging your husband, keep on talking. He doesn't need to say anything, just listen. Just giving you that safe space to outlet your grief.
Just let the sadness flow. I will sit with you in spirit and hold you close to my heart.

Thank you everyone I have just called my dad I maybe shouldn't have but I needed to speak to someone who loves mum as much as me but he is sad too everything seems so hopeless right now. I might try and sleep if I can as the tears just won't stop so maybe if I can sleep then I can get away from this pain for a while. I have work tomorrow and am hoping that I won't still be crying in the morning. Am struggling with death being so final one minute mum was alive and now she's not it's the same for little Jenny she is now gone too I feel like am loosing everyone. Am worried how will I cope when my dad does and my dog who is 12 now I just can't go through anymore loss I don't think my body could bare it