For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@Spiritwriter says it so well. It's hard to feel alone - we are here with you as much as we can be. I'm sending a hand hold.

I wanted to make a list of thoughts I have since losing my mum - MY MUM - seems so strange still to type it.
I wonder if anyone else does these things or has these thoughts?

• I struggle with photos taken before she died because I know she saw those photos and if I'm in the photo I seem like a different person.
• I find it hard going to familiar places for the first time since it happened as it's almost like erasing something.
• I whisper to her in desperation when crying - hope that's normal to do.
• I cry when my kids do literally anything new.
• I struggle to look at household appliances like the iron or something.
• I tell myself 'off' when i am upset because I know she wouldn't want me to cry.
• I struggle with the idea that she doesn't feel anything now and holds no memories in her head.
• I find it hard to be motivated at work

Hoping these are all things you've heard or experienced before.

@kittlesticks

I can relate to 7 out of your 8 things on your list. I hope this helps to know that you are not going mad you love your mum as I do mine. Since loosing my mum it now feels like am half the person I used to be. I can imagine that you feel the same.
In the earlier weeks or months I never used to take any pictures on my phone. I would normally be taking pictures of the kids and sending them onto mum. I never wanted create any new memories without mum. I still feel like that but I have so slowly started taking pictures of my kids again as I know I'll regret not having any recent pictures of them but I have no one to send them onto so they stay here on my phone.

@Ttc42nearly43 I'm so glad you phoned your dad. You are his daughter and he will want to be there for you. I do hope you get some sleep. I know exactly what you mean about sleep bringing some gap from the pain. I also understand about your worry, about losing other loved ones. So normal, so understandable. Just sit with it. Just watch the feelings and let them change naturally.

@kittlesticks please be kind to yourself. Your mum wouldn't want you to tell yourself off for grieving! Your grief comes from your love. Do carry on speaking to your mum. Do call on her. XXX and remember...the idea you have of her having no memories now...is your current idea. It's an idea.

Sending you both love. Xxx

[quote kittlesticks]@Spiritwriter says it so well. It's hard to feel alone - we are here with you as much as we can be. I'm sending a hand hold.

I wanted to make a list of thoughts I have since losing my mum - MY MUM - seems so strange still to type it.
I wonder if anyone else does these things or has these thoughts?

• I struggle with photos taken before she died because I know she saw those photos and if I'm in the photo I seem like a different person.
• I find it hard going to familiar places for the first time since it happened as it's almost like erasing something.
• I whisper to her in desperation when crying - hope that's normal to do.
• I cry when my kids do literally anything new.
• I struggle to look at household appliances like the iron or something.
• I tell myself 'off' when i am upset because I know she wouldn't want me to cry.
• I struggle with the idea that she doesn't feel anything now and holds no memories in her head.
• I find it hard to be motivated at work

Hoping these are all things you've heard or experienced before. [/quote]
I feel, or have felt, many if these things (barring the appliances)

I'm on holiday now and this time 13 fucking months and a few days ago we were here - at the same place - but my mum was still alive. It's still so hard.

For those of you who have also lost a pet ♥️

My beautiful cat (12 years old) was PTS on 14th September and one week later my mum died. I can't think about my cat without it leading to my mum.... mum knew how utterly devastated I was and yet a week later I was dealing with the sudden death of my mum 😢💔

I was the same. I didn't take photos after my beloved dog Molly died. Which was all very sudden and unexpected although she was 13.5.
I just had no joy in taking pictures. And I felt guilty about that.
Then of course it all took an even bigger nose dive with mum. A horrific nightmare really.
I just didn't have the joy in taking pics. It slowly came back. Slowly.
And that's what I did....and still do...slowly, in my own time, I do what I need or want to. Sometimes it's a need, rather than a want.
My dad has said the same about photos. I know he thinks and wonders how long he has left etc. And what's the point in taking photos if he's not going to be here for long
But the thing is...we do. For ourselves, for our children, for whatever reason. And if we don't feel like it that time, it's okay. And if we do one time feel like it, that's okay too.

Thanks for the reassurance that it's all normal. The appliance thing may just be me - I think it's a childhood memory thing of seeing her using things.
Time for another day - sending everyone strength.

Thank you everyone for your support last night. This morning I feel just awful my eyes are all swollen and I could cry any minute but am trying to hold it together I have the kids to drop off at school and a full day training in my new job. I look like shit and have an awful headache but hopefully no one will notice. Thanks again for your comments xx

Sending strength, @Ttc42nearly43.

That photo thing - god, so true for me too. I used to do a 'photo a day' challenge on Instagram and mum loved looking at it. Whenever anyone likes the picture you get a notification so I used to know she was browsing the site and had looked at my picture that very minute. It felt as though we were together even though we lived a distance apart. She so looked forward to seeing what I'd come up with and when we spoke (at least twice every day) she used to ask me eagerly whether I'd done it yet.

After she died I just completely stopped doing it. I can't bear to any more. Though up until then I'd been quite seriously into it, and thinking about how I'd plan and interpret the theme was a real pleasure. I barely even look at the site now, but I am trying to ease back into taking the odd photo.

Morning everyone.
Thinking of you. Was thinking of us all together last night, and feeling the energy of all our mums on the other side.
We do all stand together.
Lots of love @Ttc42nearly43 hope your headache eases. Drink plenty of water and take some good deep breaths when you feel shaky. I'm thinking of you.
@kittlesticks absolutely it is normal. Absolutely. One of the things that helps me, is knowing how normal this pain is. How universal it is. And for those who don't yet know it, or understand it, one day they will. It is perhaps a bleak thought, but it's one that has helped me. Don't beat yourself up.
@Brillig I can see how that would hurt, and see why you stopped. I personally find it hard to comprehend how some people seemingly carry on as normal, posting away, posting all their diary like updates on FB. That's not for me. It's so completely personal and deep. My activity has changed. Maybe in time it will change again, I don't know, but grief is a big challenge and if we can't be gentle with ourselves in that instance, then...well.
I don't feel like doing anything exciting at all with the children, so I'm grateful they play together and I sort of float through the day and somehow get to the end of it. Moment by moment. Too much to think of anymore than each moment.
Tight squeezes to you all. X

[quote kittlesticks]@Spiritwriter says it so well. It's hard to feel alone - we are here with you as much as we can be. I'm sending a hand hold.

I wanted to make a list of thoughts I have since losing my mum - MY MUM - seems so strange still to type it.
I wonder if anyone else does these things or has these thoughts?

• I struggle with photos taken before she died because I know she saw those photos and if I'm in the photo I seem like a different person.
• I find it hard going to familiar places for the first time since it happened as it's almost like erasing something.
• I whisper to her in desperation when crying - hope that's normal to do.
• I cry when my kids do literally anything new.
• I struggle to look at household appliances like the iron or something.
• I tell myself 'off' when i am upset because I know she wouldn't want me to cry.
• I struggle with the idea that she doesn't feel anything now and holds no memories in her head.
• I find it hard to be motivated at work

Hoping these are all things you've heard or experienced before. [/quote]
Yes all of them. The one about her holding no memories now in her head makes me desperately sad. That everyone she loved, those she felt close to, the happy times - all gone. I also occasionally find myself thinking about her heart no longer beating. It’s quite morbid but I think quite normal when we lose someone.

Before mums dementia really progressed she loved looking through our photos. Even with dementia she loved looking at them. So I understand about photos too

@Ttc42nearly43

I feel so alone I can't call anyone in my family for fear of upsetting them even more and my husband tried to comfort me for a minute but he doesn't know what to say to me anymore

I’m sorry last night was so hard. These times are “normal” though - and I think they can be a good release. The only way to describe how I feel when I am like that is bereft. Totally and utterly bereft. Hopeless, alone, disbelieving. It’s awful.

@Ttc42nearly43 thinking of you today. Sending love to everyone. @QueenHofScotland reassuring you know you've felt the same.
I feel so drained tonight. Like every last emotion has left my body. I just want to call my mum. Tell her my news and ask her what she's up to this weekend and does she want to meet up with the kids for coffee. I miss her so utterly.

@kittlesticks I feel you, I just want to spend time with her, the best friend I'll ever have, gone.

I wish we all lived close and could meet up and form our own grief group!
There is one in my town with a fb group too they seem friendly enough but I haven't plucked up courage to go to the in person meet ups not sure if I will

@kittlesticks and @mrssunshinexxx I am feeling the same too.

Hi everyone.

I have been reading for a little but not writing. My mum died in horrible circumstances over a period of 12 weeks and it has been really difficult to come to terms with her dying and now death. It was not expected and was the result of surgery complications. Rollercoaster of hope and disaster all the way.

I was the only one permitted to visit in hospital due to COVID and I just don’t know where to even begin with healing, let alone processing how sad I am for my amazing mum.

My house is still full of hospital paperwork, tags and stuff. We have just had the funeral and I just feel totally lost.

Hi Mummylin - i'll never ever forget the way you helped me through the early days when I lost my daddy...He was elderly, it was a short illness with some god-awful emotionally traumatic moments whilst we tried to keep him comfortable. You were incredibly patient with my raw searing grief and my endless rhetorical questioning of how/why/what would I do now...I've found being a "daddy's girl" without a daddy unbearable... It's two years next month and I'm just arranging the second Taoist blessing service for him. I've had some counselling - I've been told i've got "complex bereavement" - somehow I'm still in shock that he left, we thought he would get better...It's the endless ache and the loss of my "greatest cheerleader" - I've got "good" lovely things in my life - but carry the huge suitcase of grief around with me... just hoping it will get lighter.
Am sorry for all who've lost a parent... xx

@notnowdennis so sorry for your loss that just sounds awful. On the flip side I never encountered a hospital re my Mum who died 2 months ago. She simply collapsed and died, a heart aneurysm we knew nothing about.
Having said there's a huge contrast, there are no good sides to this situation, it still feels a lot like there's been a mistake and the world I now live in is 'wrong'.
Feel free to talk to us on here. So sorry you find yourself on this chat.

Thank you @kittlesticks it is surreal, isn’t it? I have that feeling of ‘wrong’ too, like leaving your house knowing you’ve forgotten something, but not knowing what, or like someone has rearranged all my memories in my head.

I keep going to phone her and tell her about this completely crazy experience.

@Mother87 you hit the nail on the head I'm sure we all have good even great things in our life but to think that those things will ever replace or refill the space of a parent is just pointless. I wish other people understood that. You are allowed to be happy and sad at the same time it's horrible to live like that but they should be thankful it's not them x

So sorry @notnowdennis please keep chatting if you want to. It's just so difficult and you are in a very understanding place here x

[quote mrssunshinexxx]@Mother87 you hit the nail on the head I'm sure we all have good even great things in our life but to think that those things will ever replace or refill the space of a parent is just pointless. I wish other people understood that. You are allowed to be happy and sad at the same time it's horrible to live like that but they should be thankful it's not them x[/quote]
Yes it's made me seem "surly" and a fun-sponge which I wasn't particularly before... Had all the usual stresses/strifes, but for me, there's an overwhelming negativity about all sorts of things because dad's not here (in my head/when talking to mum - I "work hard" at presenting the best fact iycwim as it' isn't actually my aim to spoil things for others!) it's like a reel going round in my head... Like, that's great/lovely/exciting but....

And Dad was SO interested in EVERYTHING I did, where I went, my 'daft' shoes - he did everything in my house, fixing stuff...Mum sort of is, but not the same... He used to walk round the shops where they live telling everyone about this and that - he was soooo 'proud' of the smallest things... We live in darkness half the time now because the bulbs/batteries/vac bags etc aren't regularly re-stocked. I know I could/can do all these things of course - but he did so much to keep the wheels turning and I was his raison d'etre... We travelled tonthe other side of the world to his home country - if I had a Singapore dollar for everytime someone suggested that I go "home" - whilst the idea of going without him seems pointless and simply traumatic...
No one else will ever see me that way, of course - and I know that's how it is.. but still...

A grief group is not a bad idea... I know i'd sit and waffle and cry but...

@Mother87 it's totally life altering but also I hope you take some comfort from that special relationship you had. Some people never get what we on this thread have had not that it makes it any easier. when my grief allows I try to be grateful for having the best mum I could wish for for 27 years no one will ever care about me or be invested in my life like she was we didn't go a day without some kind of communication.
Since my mum died my dad moved on very quickly and moved another woman in so I don't have any relationship with him some people won't understand or think I'm in the wrong personally I think he should of waited, sat in his grief , put his children and grandchildren as priority for a while for me it just feels like he has replaced her how could it feel any differently x

Hello to all and @notnowdennis, 'rollercoaster of hope and disaster' encapsulates my experience of losing my beloved mum too.

I find that's the hardest thing, going over and over it in my head. She was rushed into hospital after I rang 999 and at one point someone in A&E reception told me I could take her home, she was fine. Turned out when I was finally allowed to see a doctor that they must have muddled her up with someone else and she wasn't fine; she was very ill. And that was just the start of it. It all just went downhill from there.

I'm so tired today, just feeling totally exhausted by everything. I'm working and can barely find the energy to do anything.

@Brillig I'm not working today so i've got both kids. I've been snapping at them both so much I feel terrible.
I feel such PAIN over what I've lost. That bond, that love. The pain is everything at the moment. It's everywhere.
Are you in work or working from home?