For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

@mrssunshinexxx must have been incredibly hard dealing with all that while heavily pregnant and as a new mum. Such a stressful and emotional time anyway but the added worry of your dad, rows with dp and grief over your mum must have been so hard to bear. You must be a very strong lady.

@Mummylin yes I'm trying to tell myself he just doesn't think but honestly I am pissed off tonight. He is sulking like a child when I need comfort and support. I'm past the point of wanting to speak or engage with him because it just feels like he doesn't get it. He just wants an easy life. Well sorry but it's not going to be easy for me for a very long time. What sort of grown man behaves like this?

Have you got children @DazedandConfused27 sorry it's hard to remember everyone's home life on here.
Thank you, she made me a strong woman she was the strongest

@mrssunshinexxx yeah I've got a ds aged 9. Dp isn't his bio dad but we have been together 7 years. So a long term relationship. He helped with ds while I was visiting dad but overall ds homeschooling and general care comes under my remit which is fine.
It's just his attitude and behaviour that I can't get my head around. My family have always been incredibly close and dp (having always had a fairly strained relationship with his family) clearly doesn't understand how painful I'm finding this.

Glad to have found this thread. I lost my mum in 2015 and it was so difficult. I’d just got round to managing to live with it when my died dad. That was only in Nov 2020. I still can’t believe it. I’m so in denial even tho I was there with him when he passed. None of it makes sense. I think my brain just can’t deal with the truth as it’s so overwhelming

Hi all, I haven't commented on this new thread yet so just leaving my mark.
Thank you @Mummylin for the new thread.
Im more of a reader than a writer, I like reading everyones the comments rather than write my own thoughts up, but they really do help me all the same ❤️ I'm still here in the background (hope that doesn't sound wierd)

@DazedandConfused27 Really sorry about your dad. I was quite annoyed with my DP in the first few weeks, he gave me great support for a day or so, but he sharp got back into his own little world. Everything was annoying me, kept playing his music loud like normal, singing songs etc, laughing at things on his phone... I just kept thinking... WHY ARE YOU SO HAPPY? When my life feels like it's all came falling down on top of me, do you not care that I'm sad????!! He even made a comment one time about wanting to get life back to normal, I was fuming! Looking back i don't know what I expected of him to be honest, he knew my Dad, but not well. Did I expect him for him to mope about like his life ended too? At the time, probably. There's only so much they can think to say to you, it's all about having them listen to you, hearing all your feelings of guilt, anger, emotion, acceptance. I must admit, I hold back saying some things that come to my mind, as I feel like I'm annoying him still. I direct them to my mum instead now sadly (she wasn't with my dad at the time -thankfully). No one understands though, apart from you guys 💜

Hope you all okay xx

@rttcbabyno1 thank you for that thoughtful reply. What you say makes a lot of sense. I was livid last night (sorry for the ranting!) but have woken up a bit more ambivalent today. Like you, I think I will just direct any feelings elsewhere. He probably isn't being deliberately useless but I can't expect him to feel the same way I do.
What I do expect is a little more thought and compassion though, not stupid petty rows over what to watch on TV and sulking like a child. I just really don't need that kind of atmosphere when I'm already feeling rubbish.

I'm sorry for your loss too and don't think it's at all weird that you prefer to read rather than post. For me the venting to people who actually understand what I'm going through is a lifesaver but everyone is different and we all just cope in the best ways for us.

I can relate to a lot of what's been said. You feel like your world has ended, yet everyone else is carrying on as normal. My DH has been fine, but his life goes on. Then I remember how I was when his mum passed. .it's not the same when it's not your own mum or dad.

DH does hug me when he sees my sadness. Asks if I want a drink or something to eat. My appetite has gone. I've lost 20 pounds in this time as well.

I step outside and see life going on...the masks are a reminder of the horror that took my mum. There's no escape from it.

Like Dazed said I just want to go away from everything and wake up in a time when covid is over and I forget that it took my mum.

I feel my dad just isn't bothered about life without mum. It's so hard.

Dazed please don't feel like your spamming the board, although I felt like that in the last thread. We're here for each other.

I'm thinking about bereavement therapy for myself. Not yet. Maybe in a monthor two.

I step outside and see life going on...the masks are a reminder of the horror that took my mum. There's no escape from it.

I get this completely as covid took my dad in April. Mum had it too and I think it weakened her a lot, though ultimately it was the cancer that got her. But without covid maybe we would have had longer with her, and she certainly wouldn't have had to spend her final year hiding away (and wouldn't have lost her husband).

Dazed That's really shit about your DP. He sounds like my ex who had no emotional maturity whatsoever. Can you try telling him bluntly "I've been though something very traumatic and would appreciate if you could stop picking fights and just be a bit more sensitive around me. I need support." Don't know if that's something he would respond to, but my ex needed everything spelled out in black and white. It's very wearing I know. Do you have friends who you could call?

mrssunshine that must have been so tough when you were about to have your baby, it's just cruel

Thank you all. I did have a chat with dp over the weekend and he has apologised and admitted he doesn't always know what I need. Things are a little better between us now.

The funeral is this week and I am dreading it. I suffer from anxiety and am convinced I will have some sort of attack before or during. Day to day I feel as if I am functioning a little better but I can't shake off the sadness and I know the funeral is just going to be the most horrible, heartbreaking day :(

Dazed My mum's funeral happened a couple of days ago (I'm in Ireland where it happens quickly, within 3-4 days of the death). I was dreading it and I felt sick the night before and that morning, but honestly once we got out the door it was ok. It sort of felt like an out of body experience. We got through it and felt a lot more calm afterwards. If you're feeling really anxious your GP might give you some xanax which you could take the night before.

Glad to hear you've cleared the air with your DP.

@DazedandConfused27 so glad you've patched things up, it really helps to talk, they really don't know what to do to help. Mine says the odd thing that upsets/annoys me now and again, earlier today in fact. He said I was 'waffling'... because I keep talking about the same thing over and over apparently, and not making much sense. It sounds awful and I was angry at the time but i know where he's coming from, I'm just giving myself unnecessary stress...

Aww you will be okay at the funeral, I know exactly how you feel though I had bad anxiety over it too. I was too focused on everything going right than what was actually going on, and not concentrating on myself and processing it all. I second what @Cherrycee says an 'out of body experience', that summed it up perfectly. It's a bit of a blur now if I'm honest. I felt no different afterwards... I still feel like my dad is with me now, like nothing has changed.

I feel like covid had a part in my dads death too. I do believe he may have attempted to take himself to hospital if didn't exist. He had a heart attack, and he told his girlfriend he thought something was wrong with him in the days just before (I was told afterwards). He was always very careful with covid and avoided any unnecessary risks, told me to stay away from the hospital when my grandad was in there earlier in the year. I really hope this wasn't the case though 😞💔 x

Just catching up as I have not been about much lately. I've been so busy with work and home schooling, it's been a welcome distraction but the moment it all stops I feel so lost?

My mind has been running back to the day mum died a lot lately? I can't even pinpoint why? I just see it all so clearly. It's not a bad thing as I think as deaths go my Mum had a "good" one and I know categorically it would be exactly how she'd have wanted to go.
I just can't unpick why I am so fixated on it at the moment?

It is coming up to my parents wedding anniversary - the last picture ever taken of my Mum was their last anniversary (they went out for dinner - which was unusual as Mum had quite severe MH issues and going out for dinner wasn't her thing!). It is a lovely picture - I am going to frame it for my dad and pop it into him on the day.

It was about this time, on a Monday, many weeks ago now, that she collapsed and stopped breathing. I always find myself watching the clock on Monday's - I am so aware of the time and then I feel relief when it gets past certain time as I know then she was gone!

Grief is the weirdest, craziest, strangest thing?

Yes the dreaded Mondays. Both of my parents died on a Monday morning (Mum was only last week) so this morning was very hard. With Dad I got the call at 9.30am to say he was seriously ill and to come in ASAP, he only lasted an hour after that. I found 9.30 on a Monday really hard for a while afterwards, and I would feel really anxious if my phone rang around that time. It did get better though.

Oh gosh @Cherrycee

I am so very sorry. About both your mum and your dad.

It’s strange, isn’t it? Monday for me too. Just over 4 months today since my mum died. It was 5:45 in the evening and the weird thing is that, when my DSis went back into the house a few weeks later, the clock on the mantelpiece in the room where she died had stopped at that time. I’m not a believer in any sort of message or anything but it made us both pause for a moment.

Still missing her very much.

@Cherrycee I’m sorry, I’ve just re-read and realised how very recently you lost your mum. All my best to you

O lost my dad at the beginning of this month to covid, the funeral is next week. Lost my mum 15 years ago to cancer. Also lost my brother 5 years go. Just me and my sister now. Feel quite alone and very anxious about losing my husband and children. I feel silly talking about it as people are very sympathetic but no one really gets it (amongst my friends in real life). I’m finding myself becoming super hard one minute and full of regrets the next. Im waiting for a counsel appointment to come through. I’m not sure what I want from this post I just feel able to write that down here without fear of making other people uncomfortable

I'm so sorry to all those who have lost parents and it is so hard in current times.
I lost my Dad last November after he had been ill for all of 2020. He was so worried about catching Covid and his last year wasn't the best.
The stress of it all took such a toll on my Mum and she was utterly heartbroken. My Mum collapsed on 21/12/20 and spent just under a month in ICU and sadly passed away on 15/01/21.
My heart is broken. My Mum was 63 and due to retire in May this year.
I can't believe I'm never going to see them again. They were such a huge part of my life. I spoke to my Mum every day. Would see my parents most weeks. They helped with my children and were so close to my oldest daughter.
I'm just so so sad. I wish o had had the chance to speak to my Mum one more time.
I've been off sick since my Mum collapsed and just mentally don't feel ready to go back yet.
I feel we moved straight from my Dads illness and his death to panning his funeral and then straight to dealing with my Mum.
I feel I'm dealing with the loss of both them of them now.
We have to deal with their home which is so sad.
Thanks for the thread and a safe place to come to for support.

Hoping you don't mind me joining. My mum passed this morning of pancreatic cancer. So sorry to everyone who's lost parents.

I’m glad you found us @Shockedandspeechless, I saw you’d posted on the previous thread. Hugs to everybody. @KimKsButt, I think it must be very common to start feeling preoccupied with worry and anxiety. I find myself worrying about my DH and thinking that he’s all I’ve got left now my mum has gone. I’m sure it’s normal, although it’s not very pleasant.

Sorry, am a long time watcher & never really post.

Sorry not read the whole thread bit plan to try and catch up.
Definitely understand the anxiety and worry.
My husband had a pain in his side the other day and had to go to see the Gp, who sent him the the hospital who took bloods and wanted him back the next day for a scan.
I was in full blown panic. Both my parents have in the last 3 months died in hospital. I just wanted him to get out. He's ok, hospital think Kidney stone. My son saw he had had bloods taken and asked if he could die. Think we're all a bit traumatised.

@Spiritwriter x

I'm so sorry @terraclutter that you've had to deal with losing both parents in such a short space of time. You must be utterly bereft.

You must take as much time as you need (and your work will just have to deal with it)

You'll find strength you never knew you had, and you'll need it. At least your parents are together again ❤

Keep well

@terraclutter I am so sorry for your losses, as I am to everyone. Xx