For Anyone Needing Support After Losing A Parent. Very Supportive Thread

[Mummylin]

Luckily I was keeping my eye on the thread so it would of been ok. Hopefully this new thread will once again bring comfort to newly bereaved.
To the newest posters, I wish you all the best in the coming weeks / months.
And to the longer term posters, thankyou for being such a support to each other. 💐

It's been a while since I've been here. I lost my mum to covid in January.

Sorry for all your losses. It's a hard road to navigate.

I just wrote a longer post and lost it...forgot his MN does that...so annoying.

Anyway... I'll try and summarise what I wrote. The unique grief from a covid loss, living in a covid world filled with reminders is very difficult.
Hearing people talk about "getting back to normal" or gaining weight...or not going on holidays. I wish they were my only problems. My world has turned upside down...so much beyond words.

Going through the trauma of doctors updates...oxygen levels...damage to lungs..watching my mum die...seeing the numbers on the machine go down to zero...while I was in PPE...so very traumatic.

There is a support group specifically for covid bereaved, where people "get it". I've pasted it below for anyone who needs it.
www.facebook.com/groups/covidlosssupport/?ref=share

@clpsmum wow that is a really tough one I'd be feeling the same way as you wondering why I wasn't told the day before. Could you maybe ask your mum gently why she never called you yi maybe there was a reason such as she may have been concerned that she would worry you or she was not able to believe what she was told. She's maybe feeling bad about not calling you earlier too? I'd choose the right time when you can speak to her comfortably.

My condolences on the loss of your dad xx

Another one who wishes they could have done more.

My mum had a deathly fear of hospitals and the medical profession in general (quite literally in the end) and she stopped seeing us all when she was really poorly as she knew she'd have been frogmarched to the hospital the second we saw her. My dad was there day in day out so it was more gradual for him but it was only the day before she died she permitted one of us to go round. My sister knew she was awfully ill but she also knew my mum couldn't be forced. I remember speaking to my sister the Sunday - we had a virtual glass of wine together and began an action plan of how we'd try and help mum.

I sent my mum an email the day she died telling her we'd help her and support her and not force her into anything. Me and my sister got the fragility of her mental health but my brothers didn't.

As things transpired my sister walked past our parents on the Monday and saw an ambulance so let herself in. My mum had asked for an ambulance to be called - utterly out of character. But of course when the paramedics arrived she refused to cooperate. They did her oxygen (fine), BP (fine) and heart rate [high but she was mid panic attack at this point] She refused blood sugars and refused to go with them when they offered to take her for a full once over. They'd have only had to look at her to know she needed a hospital but she was stubborn until the end.

Dad went out for a walk (pissed off she wouldn't engage with the medical professionals) and sister spent an hour getting my mum from her bedroom to the living room. Mum collapsed not long after saying to my sister "I am going to die" and my lovely, brave sister reassured her and cuddled her whilst calling my dad to get the fuck home

Dad was already there and my sister called another ambulance and they both performed CPR on my mum until the paramedics came and took over. The crash team got her heartbeat back several times but she could never maintain it. They pronounced her dead, with my dad and sisters agreement, just as me and my 2 brothers arrived. I knew things were bleak but until I saw her dead on the floor, I thought she was still alive.

Sorry.... just needed to get that out.

The worst thing for me is that mum dying when she did was the best thing for her. She would have hated to die alone, in hospital or on an ambulance (probably what would have happened if the first ambulance had taken her)

Her cause of death was heart failure but she also had cancer of all the main organs and tissues. She must have hidden it so well (or else it happened so fast) as the coroner had to do extra tests to ascertain where the cancer started. Mum didn't know about the cancer... she knew she was bloody ill but she never had a diagnosis and as things transpired she essentially dropped dead. That would have been her wish but my God how much did they poor woman suffer??.

@Crunchymum

Sending a big handhold. That was brave of you to face all your worst memories and fears and I know how hard it must have been.

Wow @Crunchymum that made me sob and sob so sorry :( it's just the worst thing in the world. Seeing my mum
In the coffin will be the hardest thing I ever do I'm
Sure or I hope it is

@Crunchymum @clpsmum so sorry to read both your stories. I would also struggle so much with those memories. @Sisterlove I'm so sorry you lost your mum to covid.

My story is quite different but I know it's not unique. My mum had a heart aneurysm and the coroner basically explained to us that she would have been dead before she hit the ground, so she went from fully alive and well to gone in a second. She had no health issues we knew about. I wasn't there, it was just Dad. I couldn't comfort her or share any last thoughts but it was all so fast (three seconds or so I've heard) that there wouldn't have been time for that.

My challenge is to try to rationalise spending the rest of my life without mum when she was the biggest presence in it until the moment she was gone. I miss her so much. It's been 2 months. It's like someone has removed part of my body and left me mortally wounded but nobody can see.

Sending you all so much strength for the weekend. I find that the worst time of the week.

@kittlesticks as you know our stories are very similar she was here and gone in less than 12 hours but unconscious the whole time and no one allowed with her becayse of bastard covid. We had friends round last weekend for dinner and got talking about mum like we always do and my husband said ' sometimes I think losing her mum is much harder than it would of been for her to lose me ' I feel awful but I couldn't correct him because it's true she was everything to me

@mrssunshinexxx I was thinking this too, it feels like the person who made me 'me' is gone and now I'm not going to be 'as good' as I was before. It's just so awful I'm not even sure how I've got through these 8 weeks.

I had a horrible dream about my mum last night. I dreamt that me and my kids and dad went on holiday to Cyprus. I used to live there years ago and mum loved visiting me there. We spoke about going back after lockdown. I dreamt that we found mum lying under a table and she was dead but could talk and she was asking us why did we go without her. I woke up with such a pain in my chest I tried to get back to sleep but the pain was too much I had to get up. My niece is wanting to go to Cyprus next year I said I'd think about it but maybe the dream was trying to tell me that I would regret going. Cyprus is full of memories of mum and I have so many photos of mum there with me and the rest of the family. Cyprus was her happy place but for me it just feels filled with painful memories.

@Crunchymum

My goodness that must have been do difficult to share I can imagine that you go over and over the moments constantly wondering if there was anything else with could have been done. It's only natural and I used to do that A LOT but I do it less now as I know that torturing myself won't help and it will only lead to me hurting even more that I'm already.
I think I've said this to you before but my mum had huge mental health issues and as a result was in care for 10 years before she passed away. Mum also hated hospitals and would only get in the ambulance once I said I'd leave my house at the same time and meet her at A&E. I seen her for 5 seconds then the doors were literally closed on my face I couldn't go in because of Covid.
My mum was terrified in hospital she really was and when the nurses would give her personal care in bed she was screaming it was awful to witness they used to let me stay so mum could hold onto me but once mum was moved into a side room I was asked to leave the room as there was little to no space but I waited right outside the door and could her mum shouting until eventually she was so near to dying that mum never made any sounds except her breathing it was so rattly it was awful to hear. All these memories will stay with me forever. When mum was more awake she was scared she was going to die. Like your sister I reassured her but at that time I thought that she was going to get better as it was just day 3 on her hospital admission.
A good friend of mine her dad passed away in very similar circumstances to your mum very quick and even though they got his heart started a few times it didn't last as he died in the ambulance outside the hospital. No one was allowed to be there with him and it was the ambulance crew total strangers who help his had when he took his last breath. I know this was very difficult for her and her family not to have been there but they all feel that it was better for him to pass away as he did instead of going through invasive tests at the hospital.

I find my grief just sort of sits there all the time it never leaves it always like a black cloud over my head sometimes it gets worse and other times I can find some joy in other things in life such as my kids.

I worry about my dad dying he is 10 years older than mum and getting frailer as the years go by. I wonder how I will cope loosing him as I barley managed to surface from loosing my mum.

Hi everyone, I posted here just after my mum suddenly died three weeks ago and have been reading everyone's posts. I was in denial fir a while and, because I didn't see my mum everyday I could kid misled it was a horrible dream. But now we are deep in funeral planning the heartache is really deep. The funeral is next week, just before my 40th birthday and I'm just not sure how on earth im going to make it through. I have 3 under 8s who are blissfully unaware because of their age and that it nice but also not because they are so demanding and obviously don't understand my grief. I'm freelance with wonderfully supportive clients but my work still needs to be done somehow. I wish I could hide away for a couple of months. I have so much guilt for not seeing more of her over the past 2 years - but of course COVID has taken that from so many of us. I'm just so so so sad.

@bangwhistle hugs. Allow yourself to be sad because this is just as bad and sad as you think it is . Think we will all feel the same re covid and not seeing them enough my mums wouldn't come anywhere near me because I was pregnant I was gutted I remember the last time I saw her I said can't we just hug and she said no no we have the rest of our lives to hug let's keep you safe for now ' no more hugs.
wow grief is so shit.
I think it's ok to cry in front of your children yes you don't want to scare them and they need to function but you will be grieving flr the rest of your life and as they older they will see and understand that kids seeing emotions isn't a bad thing x

@bangwhistle
I can remember those early weeks the pain is unbearable it not just emotional it's physical too. I lost over a stone when my mum died I couldn't eat for weeks. My life literally just stopped when mum went into hospital I dropped everything to be by her side and leaving that hospital after 9 days and mum was gone was the hardest thing I have ever had to do but like you I have 2 kids under 8 and they needed me. I was a mess for months and was off work from about 4 1/2 months now 5 1/2 months later I can function better now and am slowly getting back to work but the pain never goes away I think I have just sort of got used to it being there all of the time.
Guilt was a huge feeling for me too in those first 3 months or so but am gradually letting that go as it's not helping me by holding onto the what ifs and maybe's but it's a strong feeling one that can't be easily dismissed and is very real.

Mum's funeral had to be the worse day of my life but I knew I had to get through it for mum. I wrote her something and wanted to read it out during the service but I had forward planned with the minister that he would read it out for me if I wasn't able and unfortunately I just couldn't. My daughter was there aged 7 and how brave was she there by my side comforting me. My husband didn't want her to go but I spoke to the minister again and he told me that she had as much right to be there as anyone else and I have to say I agreed with him completely. My son age 5 was given the option but he chose to go to school to see his friends.

You'll get through the day there really is no other option but to go through it. Sadly it's not the end it's just the beginning. We are all at various stages on here and are here for you when you need us.

Just coming in again while I have a moment.
So sorry to hear so much struggle here.
@mrssunshinexxx I am so sorry. Please take it easy as much as you can.

I know what you mean...about the 'being further away'. That's what really got me. But...I think a lot about time now, and meditate, and it helps to realise that time doesn't create distance. Not when it comes to love. I absolutely know what you mean. Absolutely. I can hardly believe it here myself some days. Like this minute I actually can't.
So...I sort of stick with that.
I'm working on zen. And my mum did, too. And now I really do believe that she is okay and so I listen to her. This does not stop my grief, not at all. But it really does...help. ANd I don't do it to try and help myself, if that makes sense. It's just how I've changed and am growing, and it helps.
I practice loving kindness and it helps. And also....I really, really, really know that's what my mum wants me to practice.

There is so much to process. So much.
@crunchymum if it's okay, may I ask about your mum? Because my mum struggled with increasing anxiety, too. It was linked to her condition, and was a vicious cycle. It's one of the hardest things to process. Watching them suffer, but then also suffer with the anxiety.

@Spiritwriter

I forgot to thank you for responding to my post a while back. I read your comments about zen and meditation this really interests me if you could share a bit more if that's ok. My mum wasn't spiritual but she had religious beliefs and in her personal documents I found a diary a of prayers most of them about me and my kids and thanking God for her grandchildren I have this book with me now. Am sadly not religious but meditation gas interested me in the past. What am finding difficult at the moment is the dreams about mum they are harsh and upsetting last night I kept going in and out of sleep and kept returning to the same dream I was like I couldn't get away from it and it was not a nice dream unfortunately

@Ttc42nearly43 I am so happy to talk with you more about this. And certainly if it will help in any way.
Your mum's book is a real gift. What a wonderful treasured blessing. Hold onto that! And maybe in time, add to it, and gift it to your children.
How beautiful.
I am sorry about your dreams. I do understand. I have aways been a big dreamer, and have suffered with some dreams myself about mum. Though some have been comfort. And one was clearly a message.
I am not religious. But I have my own practice, and my own relationship. That might be the best way to describe.
What would you like to know or what can I share?
Xx

@Crunchymum any update on your work emails ?

@bangwhistle I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum nearly 9 weeks ago now. I'm 37. My kids are 2 and 4. I think the initial shock kept going for me for a long time, probably right up to the funeral.
I've now got to a very low point where I'm starting to understand that my mum has gone and I would say every day I'm struggling, but some days I can navigate better than others.
Days with structure - work etc are better for me but I know it varies person to person.

Thank you to everyone who posts on this thread. Your messages help me to realise I'm not alone.

I wonder whether any of you have that 'untethered from the world' feeling that I have? I just feel that the universe which so abruptly ended my mum's life (she had a sudden death) is now caring a bit less about me, so I'm finding it hard to care about my place in the world. I hope that's going to repair itself in time because before this happened I considered myself to be a decent person who cared about the world around me.

@Spiritwriter please feel free to ask anything about my mum / her MH issues. I'm very open and happy to discuss it.

Mum suffered anxiety and panic as long as I can remember. It was linked to a specific trauma (her mum died and she gave birth to my sister on the same day. This was 30+ years ago and her mums death wasn't sudden). She refused medical intervention for her MH, after being put on prozac in the early 90's.

She had huge health anxiety but this manifested in her not engaging with medical or health professionals (as opposed to her worrying about her health. She was the opposite and I don't think she has seen a Dr since having my brother in 1990!!) She only saw the dentist when her teeth literally crumbled away [she had dentures fitter but never went back after that as far as I know]

She had periods of being well and I had a wonderful childhood. Mum managed lots of normal things like UK holidays with us all [4 kids.. and my dad] when we were little and they took my younger siblings abroad a few times etc. She had friends, she worked at some points etc but little by little her MH got worse. Covid was the end for her. She couldn't cope and become virtually agoraphobic.

She would never have willingly sought medical help though... for anything.... it makes me so sad but that was her and when I think about her like that, I am glad the emotional pain she felt is now over.

She wrote in her general diary, not long before her death, that every waking moment was filled with panic (and she didn't sleep well). She kept many journals detailing her MH struggles but none of us have read them, I don't think I want to. It would break my heart to know the depths of despair she must have felt. Her death is one thing. But the pain she suffered due to her mental health is something I wish I could have helped her with, made her feel better. But she didn't engage. I'd have been by her side if she'd asked for the help. She never did.

@mrssunshinexxx how are you feeling?

Work is still dealing with the cyberattack so I haven't explored it yet 😳

@Crunchymum so so sad mental health is the cruelest thing why does it have to happen. To lose her mum and be in labour is serious trauma I was bad enough giving birth 6 weeks after I was hallucinating and through my mum was stood in the corner of the room it was hideous . Ah hopefully they get it sorted,
I had my oxygen levels checked on Friday and they were ok I just feel the same no worse very fatigued no taste it smell and a hacking cough oh and. 13 month old who is up coughing all night unless I hold her upright to sleep with a temp he glad when it's all gone x

@mrssunshinexxx so sorry you're suffering with symptoms still. Wishing you a restful night x

Thank you @kittlesticks ❤️

@Ttc42nearly43 - sorry I meant to reply to your recent comment. You had mentioned your mum's MH. I think it just add another layer of complexity to it all? For me, I those last 18 months but particularly Covid my mum had no quality of life. She was so deeply caught up in her anxiety and depression, she was beyond help (and that is definitely how she would have seen it too) so on some level we all feel a little relief. Her pain is over now.

As she also had cancer, she would have been very close to not being able to "manage" (don't get me wrong she was a mess.... had lost a load of weight, had very swollen feet and ankles, hadn't left the house in months, hadn't seen us kids in months) but she still wasn't at the stage of needing pain relief - or even actually asking for medical intervention. She was still cooking dinner until a few days before she died she wasn't eating herself though she had to have a breather when taking taking stairs etc. The signs were there but she hid a lot from us, mainly with us kids she didn't see us and used Covid as an excuse. She told my dad she'd dropped something on her foot when he noticed it was swollen and she didn't disclose her swollen feet to the first paramedics who saw her that day. She was that bad. But she would have hated to die, alone in hospital. I know that nobody wants to die that way but for her it would have been the worst thing ever. As things stand her death was "good" for her. She went suddenly (albeit probably in considerable pain in the weeks leading up to it and terrified as she would have known she was quite seriously ill) she went at home, she went with my calm and beautiful sister the person you'd most want in a crisis and my dad, she went before the cancer took over completely and she'd have needed medical intervention. We all got to spend several precious hours with her after she died. For her it was about as good as it could be. For us it was shocking, unexpected and life changing.

Your black cloud analogy is very apt. I still have moments of joy and happiness but I also live under a cloud of grief and loss and sadness.

It will be 2 years since my mum died on 30 September. I can’t really believe it’s that long, I miss her so much everyday. Ive posted on this thread a few times, and read it regularly. It is a comfort to know I am not alone in feeling so sad, but I am so sorry for everyone’s loss.

I am still struggling to clear my mum’s flat, even after all this time. Mum loved her home and it was such a happy and special place for me, it’s heart breaking to have to sort through her things and get rid of stuff. It sounds ridiculous but I see her personality and love for us in so many banal objects - like little things she bought and put away for her grandkids for Christmas & birthdays. I have just taken down her bedroom & living room curtains today - she made both sets herself, they are lovely and I can remember the joy she had shopping for the material, making & hanging them. Totally bonkers!! I know I need to finish clearing her home as it’s such a painful process for me that prolonging it is just prolonging the pain, but it is very hard to do all the same. Also my brother is losing patience with me!

@Ttc42nearly43 I absolutely know what you mean - how do we cope with life’s big challenges now. I had a cancer diagnosis a couple of months ago - hopefully early stage & v treatable, but all the same I just want my mum here to hold my hand.

Anyway, just felt the need to post today. Love to everyone - wishing a little bit of peace to everyone on this thread.

@Spiritwriter

I suppose am just looking to be more at peace with what has happened am not sure if that will ever be possible. I wish I could reconnect with mum but she seems so far away now I was wondering if medication would help?